Disclaimer: I do not own Squaresoft or any aspect of Final Fantasy 7, 8 and 9. No offense was geared toward Squaresoft in the making of this humor fic.
Other Stuff: Warning- some strong language, almost all people in this fic are out of character, but hey, isn't that what makes it funny? Mild Dagger/Rinoa/Tifa bashing, and who can blame me for bashing Selphie and her endless stupidity? Don't get me wrong, I love every Final Fantasy game, I just wanted to do something lighthearted. This is just a warning for those who take things too seriously. Enjoy!
FINAL FANTASY VIII MEETS FINAL FANTASY IX
What if the cast of Final Fantasy VIII actually did fall into a warp hole in the white void at the end of Final Fantasy VIII? It may go something like this...
Zell: ::running in place:: "Be careful not to fall into a warp hole!"
Quistis: "Especially you, Selphie!"
Selphie: ::gives an angry look:: "Hey, what do you take me for?"
::Quistis and Zell look at each other with exasperation::
Selphie: "Besides, all I can see is white, it's not like I know where I'm-....... Ooooooh.... shiny..."
Irvine: "Selphie, stay away from the light-..."
Selphie: "What harm ever came from heading towards the light?"
All: ::smack their foreheads::
Zell: "Selphie, don't touch the light!"
Selphie: "I just want to get a closer look... aaaaah!"
::All get sucked into a warp hole, goes to first person mode where it shows the trademark "tunnel sequences" from Final Fantasy VII, VIII and IX, fall onto a strange ground::
All: "OOF!"
Quistis: ::slowly clambers to her feet, looks around the unusual area:: "Where are we?" ::Notices many houses, all with... strange curves... a rat kid runs by:: "AAAH! Rat boy! Kill it! Kill it!"
Rat Boy (aka Puck): ::stares at the woman:: "............" ::looks her over....:: "........MOMMY!!!" ::runs away::
Selphie: ::climbs to her feet:: "Aw, how cute, I always wanted to see a rat child..."
Irvine: ::to Zell:: "Do you think she notices we're on a different planet?"
Zell: "Selphie?" ::looks over to her to notice her playing jump rope with two kids... rather joyfully:: "...Nah."
Quistis: "Selphie!" ::walks over to her:: "Now's not the time for games."
Selphie: "Aww, but I almost won a potion... you have no idea how addictive this game is... it's like these kids thrive off my losses in this game of jump rope... but... can't... stop... playing..."
Quistis: ::looks at two little girls holding each end of the jump rope... each with rather devilish eyes::
Little Girls: "WE WANT YOUR SOUL..."
Quistis: "I think you better come with me, Selphie..." ::drags her away from the jump rope::
Irvine: "So where are we?"
Zell: "Yeah, this place is definitely too colorful for my tastes... I miss the drab prisons and caves of our world..."
Selphie: "Well one thing's for sure... we're definitely not in Balamb!"
All: ::smack foreheads... again::
Zell: "Thanks for stating the OBVIOUS, Selphie!! I can always count on you to make things BETTER! Oh yeah, and THANKS for sending us through that WARP HOLE!! Cuz NOW look at what you got us into!!!"
Selphie: ::blink blink:: "... You're welcome!"
Zell: ::Falls over::
Quistis:: "Let's ask some locals."
All: ::walk around aimlessly, staring blankly at the strange architecture and the... large amounts of short people. When all of a sudden, a young boy runs into Quistis::
Quistis: ::looks down at the stranger:: "... EEEEEK! Monkey boy! It-it's a MONKEY BOY! KILL IT! Kill it kill it KILL IT! WAAAAH!"
Zidane: ::Looks up at the woman in hysterics::
Selphie: ::Walks over to Zidane:: "And how old are you little boy? Would you like some candy?"
Zidane: ::stares at Selphie straight in the eyes... wait for it... wait for it...:: "I'm 16 you bitch!"
Quistis: ::quietly:: "...Wow... you're awfully short for a 16 year old..."
Zidane: "What!?"
Quistis: "Uh... heh... I said, you're awfully... shmort... for a... smixsmeen... mear...uh... mole........."
All: "..................................................... ::crickets chirp::
Zell: "So where are we?"
Zidane: "In Alexandria. Say, have you seen a black mage anywhere around here?"
Irvine: "A black what?"
Quistis: "He said black mage. They're those things that are in almost every other Final Fantasy game except Squaresoft was too cheap and instead included junctioning."
Selphie: "But I like junctioning!"
Irvine: "You would."
Selphie: ".........................." ::stretches arms out and runs around like an airplane while singing,:: "Train, train take us away! Take us away! Far away!..."
Quistis: "No, we haven't seen a black mage anywhere."
Zidane: "Dammit... Well, I might as well take you all to the nearest inn... seeing how you have no idea where you are and all..." ::walks off::
Zell: "Hey, Irvine, I'll bet their beds are, like, really tiny, eh?" ::Nudges Irvine::
Irvine: "Shut up Zell."
Selphie is by herself... clueless as to what's going on... like always... when she notices a strange figure...
Selphie: "Oooh! Pointy hat!" ::runs over to the person and touches his hat:: "Hee hee... pointy..." ::the dark figure turns to her with glowing eyes:: "EEEEEEK!.... What the... What are you?" ::the figure is silent... Selphie gathers that this person is a black mage:: "Do you have a name?"
Vivi: "What good is a name? Who am I? What is existence? Why do we seek to build and build physically and emotionally when we know the inevitable is always bound to happen? Why? Why? What IS life?"
Selphie: "...............My name's Selphie. I'll call you SHMORGENDORFER!" ::prances around Vivi, singing:: "Shmorgendorfer, Shmorgendorfer, wonderful wonderful Shmorgendorfer! La la la! La la la la la la la!..."
Vivi: "...Nobody understands me..."
Zidane: "Here's the inn. You have Gil, right?"
Zell: "Gil? What's that?"
Irvine: "You numbskull! WE have gil too!"
Zell: "Oh riiiight..."
Quistis: "How much?"
Inn Keeper: "100 gil will do."
Quistis: ::reaches in purse, mumbles...:: "...what a ripoff..."
Zell: ::runs to bedroom:: "Hey, Irvine, you gotta see this!"
Irvine: ::goes to bedroom, thinks...:: "Wow... Zell was... right... these beds ARE tiny..."
Selphie: "Say, Shmorgendorfer, where are we exactly?"
Vivi: "For the last time, lady, my name is not Shmorgendorfer?"
Selphie: "Then what is it?"
Vivi: ::reluctantly:: ".... it's Vivi..."
Selphie: ::blink blink:: "....... AAAHAHAHAHA!!! That's even more ridiculous than the name I gave you! AAAHAHAHAHA! I like that! Vivi!!!"
Vivi: "I think I'm having an identity crisis..."
Selphie: "AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! 'IDENTITY CRISIS'! THAT'S RICH!!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAA!"
Vivi: "What's so funny?"
Selphie: "I had no idea you were so silly! Heh heh... Vivi... ha...."
Vivi: "I have powers beyond reason, you know."
Selphie: ::examines Vivi's size... scales up and down...:: "AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"
Vivi: "Don't I strike fear in your heart?"
Selphie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! THAT'S SO CUTE!!! "
Vivi: "I... have no friends..."
Selphie: "AAAHAHAHA!!!"
In another part of Alexandria, a great beam of light appears from nowhere, when suddenly Squall appears from the light...
Squall: ::face down on the ground, slowly picks himself up:: "Wh... where am I??" ::takes a good look at the town:: "What the F---!? This isn't 'THE PLACE...' Now how is Rinoa gonna find me!?" ::notices Puck, the infamous rat boy run by, Squall grabs a hold of him:: "Excuse me, ugly rat boy, are you a demon spawn of Ultimecia whom I am supposed to slay?" ::Grabs gunblade:: "Enguarde you worthless piece of shit! You and your horrible leader have RUINED my LIFE! It's time for you to die you horrible rat demon!"
Puck: "..............MOMMY!!!!!!!!!" ::runs away screaming::
Squall: ::confused, puts his sword away:: "Well... that took care of him..."
::another beam of light spreads on the Alexandria ground as Rinoa appears::
Rinoa: ::picks herself off the ground...:: "???...." ::Turns to Squall, with an angry face:: "...SQUALL!"
Squall: "Umm... I love you?"
Rinoa: "....You... love me?.... Well if you really DID love me you would've gone to that PLACE! Remember!? The place WE agreed to meet at!? I had to spend HOURS trying to find you in that STUPID field! And now... we're in this... psycho village!? And what's with all the bright colors!?"
::Just then, they notice a strange black mage (aka Vivi) run by, Selphie not too far behind::
Selphie: ::chasing Vivi:: "VIVI! VIVI! HAHAHA!"
Vivi: ::running away from her:: "Stop following me! It's too hot to run around in a robe 3 inches thick!"
Selhie: "VIVI! HAHA! IDENTITY CRISIS! AAAHAHAHA!!!" ::runs past Squall and Rinoa::
Squall: "...........What the heck was that?"
Rinoa: "I don't know... but at least we know everyone else is here, so let's find them."
::they walk around the town::
Squall: "Is it just me, or is everyone else... very short?"
Rinoa: "They're just kids! How cute! Let's ask this young boy if he's seen the rest of the group..." ::walks over to a boy:: "Hello little boy... My name is R-I-N-O-A... Can you say that?"
Zidane: "I'M 16 YEARS OLD! GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"
Rinoa: "Six....teen?"
Squall: "Have you seen the rest of our group?"
Zidane: "The stretched out ones? Yes, they're at the inn."
Dagger: ::runs to Zidane from a distance:: "Zidane? I heard you yelling, is something wrong?" ::looks at Rinoa:: "Who's this?"
Rinoa: "My name's Rinoa..."
Squall: "My name's Squ-..."
Dagger: "Rinoa, huh?" ::thinking to herself with a sly grin:: "I am so much hotter than this stretched out chick..."
Rinoa: ::studying Dagger, thinks to herself:: "Oh, I am SO much hotter than this super deformed freak..."
Dagger: "And who's the guy?"
Squall: "Uh... the name's Squall..."
Dagger: "Mmm... Squall..."
Rinoa: ::notices Dagger checking him out:: "Hey, eyes off him, he's MINE!"
Dagger: "Oh really?"
Zidane: "Dagger?"
Squall: "Uh, Rinoa... I think..."
Rinoa: "Hey! I can handle this myself!" ::Turns to Dagger:: "What are you, 10!?"
Dagger: "Hey! I'm Queen of this place! You can't go around struttin your stuff thinking there won't be consequences!"
Zidane: ::thinks to himself:: "Dagger... I've taught you well..."
Rinoa: "Well if you're so ROYAL, why don't you GROW UP?... about 2 OR 3 FEET!"
Dagger: "Aw BRING IT ON YOU SLUT!"
Zidane: ::thinks to himself:: "Whoa... I never taught her THAT word..."
Rinoa: "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME!?" ::rips off cape:: "COME AND GET IT YOUR ROYAL BITCHINESS!"
::They jump at each other in a cloud of smoke::
Rinoa: "AH! Let go of my hair before I cast FIRAGA on you!"
Dagger: "Ooof! Well at least I don't have to DRAW my magic you junctioning whore!"
Both: "Ouch! Ah! Leggo! Stop it! ARGH! OOF!"
Zidane and Squall: ".............................................."
Squall: "So.......... you from around here?"
Zidane: "I travel.... you know.... never stay in one place...."
Squall: "Oh. I see......"
Both: "........................."
Rinoa and Dagger: "OUCH! STOP IT!!! UUUAAAAAH!"
Squall and Zidane: "...................................."
Squall: "Well I suppose I'd better get to the inn."
Zidane: "I'll come with you."
::both walk away::
Dagger: "BLIZZARA!" ::Icicles rain from the heavens::
Rinoa: "OW! That hurt you freak! Quetzecotl!" ::Psyduck emerges from the ground:: "What the-!"
Dagger: "Haha! You slut! You don't even know how to SUMMON your own beasts!"
Rinoa: "For your information they're called GUARDIAN FORCES!"
Dagger: "WhatEVER! I SUMMON BAHUM-..." ::Dagger pauses and looks around to notice the entire town of Alexandria staring at her and Rinoa:: ::nervously gets to her feet, leaving Rinoa on the ground:: "Uhh... and that concludes act one of 'I Want to Be Your Canary.... part 2....'"
::silence for about 10 seconds::
Citizens of Alexandria: ::start applauding:: "Encore! Encore!"
Little kid: "Mommy what's a SLUT?"
::applause quickly stops, silence for about 10 more seconds... Vivi appears from nowhere, Selphie still chasing him::
Selphie: "VIVI! VIVI!!! AAHAHA! NO FRIENDS!! AHAHA! WHAT'S NEXT!? SUICIDAL!!! AAHAAhaha....ha..." ::slows down to look at Dagger and Rinoa:: "...Oh hi Rinoa!... Who's the kid?"
Dagger: ::Steam shoots from ears:: "AAAARGHH!!!!!" ::attacks Selphie::
Meanwhile, back at the Inn...
Irvine: "I can't get an ounce of sleep... this bed is cramping up my legs... stupid tiny people..."
Quistis: "Well Zell seems to be sleeping just fine... it doesn't help that he's snoring though..."
Zell: ::drooling:: "ZZZZZZ..... Hot.... Dogs...." ::smack lips:: "Me... want..... Hot.... Dogs.... ZZZZZZ..."
Irvine: "Zell can sleep through anything..."
Squall's voice: "Quistis? Irvine?....... zell?"
Quistis: ::Jumps out of bed:: "Squall? Is that you?"
Squall: "What are you guys doing here? We were dragged to this horrid place by you guys!"
Irvine: ::jumps out of bed, still wearing his cowboy suit::
Squall: ::examines him:: "... you wear those clothes to bed?"
Irvine: "Sorry I forgot to PACK! And besides, it was Selphie that 'dragged' us here. She fell into a stupid warp hole."
Zell: ::in other room:: "HOT DOGS!"
All: ::jump, startled,... back to conversation now::
Squall: "Well, we gotta find a way out of this nightmare." ::all look outside from the inn to see the two jump rope girls with posessed eyes::
Jump Rope Girls: "JOIN US."
Squall: ::Slams the door... shudders::
Quistis: "But how are we gonna get out of here? We're giving ourselves a bad name!" ::looks out the window, sees Selphie... Rinoa AND Dagger all pulling each other's hair::
All: ::look at Squall::
Squall: ::sighs:: "Okay, I'll break it up.::
::All go outside::
Squall: "Uh... Rinoa... ahem... Ummmm.... Rinoa?"
Quistis: "RINOA!"
::The girls stop fighting::
Rinoa: ::with a black eye:: "Yeees?"
Quistis: "We're getting out of here." ::Drags Rinoa by the arm::
Rinoa: "I'll get you... when you least expect it!"
Dagger: "Try it! But maybe you should get a new wardrobe, it looks like that tank top you got from your 1st birthday doesn't fit anymore!"
Rinoa: "Well I'm sure it fits you just fine!"
Dagger: ::mutters:: "...bitch..."
Quistis: "C'mon Selphie, you too." ::drags Selphie by the arm::
Selphie: "Bye Bye mokey boy!" ::looks at Vivi, who is blankly staring into a fountain:: "Bye bye....VIVI!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Vivi: ::covers ears:: "no... make the voices stop..."
Quistis: "Now, how are we gonna get back to our world..."
Squall: "We're gonna need someone who specializes in all forms of magic..."
Dr. Tot: "Did I hear 'specializes in magic?'"
Selphie: "Yeah, so STOP EVESDROPPING!"
Quistis: "Selphie shut up! He could be our way out!"
::all turn to Dr. Tot... silence befalls all::
Squall: ::thinking:: "That's the.... biggest nose I've ever seen..."
::all stare at Dr. Tot, trying to contain laughter::
Dr. Tot: "I specialize in magic..."
::still holding breath...::
Dr. Tot: "I've studied magic for many years..."
::all still holding laughter...::
Dr. Tot: "In fact, I taught Garnet, or Dagger, the many ways of the Eidolon."
::getting harder to contain...::
Dr. Tot: "I can remember the day when I started studying magic..."
::look at that nose!::
Dr. Tot: "It must've been... sniff... the day my beloved wife died..."
All: "AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!:
Dr. Tot: "What's so funny?"
Squall: ::wipes a tear from the laughter:: "haha... ahem... that's... very tragic, sir."
Dr. Tot: ::gives a look of uncertainty...:: "Okay, I can get you back. Follow me." ::all go to secret chamber:: "ok, what's the name of your planet?"
Irvine: "Umm... our planet doesn't have a name..."
Dr. Tot: "... doesn't have... a name?"
All: ::shake heads::
Dr. Tot: "God... our world only took 1 year to make and even IT has a name... Ok, here's what you do, you all must hold hands, and think of your home. Don't think of anything else, or it may not work right."
All: ::hold hands::
Dr. Tot: "Are you thinking of your home?" ::raises his hands and begins reciting a magic spell::
Squall: "What a... curvy town..."
Zell: "HOT DOGS..."
Quistis: "Why am I always the mediator?"
Rinoa: "That prissy bitch..."
Irvine: "I wonder what everyone's thinking of?"
Selphie: "Vivi... HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
::Everyone is engulfed in a white light as they are transported home....::
All: ::pick themselves up from the ground::
Irvine: "Uh... this place looks a little TOO drab to be Balamb..."
Squall: "Yeah..."
::A woman in a... very, very tight white tank top runs by... and stops in front of Rinoa::
Rinoa: "I think someone forgot to get dressed this morning..."
Tifa: "Is this girl wearing enough clothes?"
Squall: ::Looks up at a sign that says 'MIDGAR' in big letters:: "Uh, guys, I think we're on the wrong planet..."
THE END