June 16th, 2016

I think this is the first time I feel completely lost. I do not know what to think, what to do or what to feel. All I know is that I love him. I never really thought I would love someone the way I love him. I have forgiven him more than I have forgiven anybody, just because I love him. I have given my body, heart and soul to him just because I love him. I have changed my ways even, just for him… and I do not regret anything.

I still think he will come to my door saying sorry, that he was wrong, that he still loved me and it was all a tricky confusion of his mind. I still think there is time to imagine anything, to believe that he will appear at any moment… to even believe that he is looking for me. Sometimes I would like to tell him to his face that he will not longer be for me, but something inside me screams that he still is, even if he is not here.

I wish I could sleep with him once more. Just sleep… in the more innocent sense of the word. I want to kiss him goodnight, turn off the light and lay by his side. I want to be there, hearing him breathing the same air. I want to share the same blanket and warmness while he falls asleep. I want to hug him and feel his arms around me. I want to be the last thing he sees at night and the first that he sees when waking up. I want to start and finish each day telling him how much I love him. I want him for me and I could go on an eternity explaining why.

But he is not here anymore, and though I had hoped he will return, those hopes vanish every day a bit more. I have not heard from him since he left that awful Sunday, and as days go on, I fear that he does not even think about me anymore.

I fear he has another one making him smile. I fear he is not really confused but just sad of ending something beautiful out of his lack of love. But above all, I fear that he returns and stays with me forever, lying to me and himself.

I cannot keep but thinking that I loved him, and I did not care what anybody could say. Not even him. I love him with all my heart and I do not know how much time I will still do so. It may well be a century.

I miss his eyes… his laughter. I lost everything of him; his love, his jokes, his smile, his soul… my soul. He took everything with him, my heart included.

So here I am, thinking about him under the shadow of doubt, trying to make up the foolest excuse to go and find him, throwing away the words I am swallowing just to tell him how much I need him.