A/N- This fic is mainly to cure my writer's block. Sheer random insanity is all this is.
Disclaimer- Tortall and its characters belong to Tamora pierce.
The Tortallan Characters take Dance Lessons(Muh-ha-ha-ha!)
There was a big fancy-smanshy ball at the palace in Corus, Tortall. All the lords, ladies, knights, pages, squires, merchants, dukes, duchesses, barons, baronesses, and a bunch of other really important people were there. People were laughing, talking, shoving their faces full, some doing all of the above, dancing, and basically everyone was having a good time. Everybody except the following:
Alanna of Pirates' Swoop and Olau (knight)
Keladry of Mindelan (knight)
Nealan of Queenscove (knight)
Raoul of Goldenlake (knight)
Cleon of Kennan (knight)
Numair Salmalin (mage)
Veralidaine Sarrasri (wild mage)
And Joren of Stone Mountain (dead knight who was granted probation for Midwinter Week)
Why were these people so unhappy?
Alanna teed of because Jon kept trying to hit on her. Kel was depressed because she really loved Neal- not Cleon. Neal was downcast because he had a major crush on Kel, but she was going out Cleon. Raoul was unhappy because his girlfriend, Buri, was off risking her neck to kill Scanrans. Cleon was unhappy because Kel was depressed. Numair was drunk, so he wasn't exactly unhappy. Daine was unhappy because her Numy was getting drunk. Joren was- well Joren was being his usual Jorenishtic self. That's a reason good enough.
But there was one reason all of them were sad.
None of them knew how to dance.
King Jonathan III was watching all these individuals with great interest. He was trying to figure out what exactly it was that was troubling them all- especially Alanna.
Then it hit him. Hard.
"OW! ASHLEY!!!!!"
"Sorry Jon. *mutters, 'yeah right'*
"I heard that."
"Good. Stop hitting on Alanna."
"But she's supposed to be mine!"
"Jon, if you have a problem with George being married to Alanna, talk to Tammy about it. I'm only following orders."
"You've met Tamora Pierce?!?!?"
"No."
"Then how's she telling you what to write?"
"Highness, let's get one thing straight. I only follow orders from one person: me." Han Solo appears from nowhere.
"Hey! That's my line! Kiss me Wookie!"
"Han, go back to the Falcon and stay there." By this time it's impossible though, because almost all the court ladies are surrounding him.
"HALT!" Everybody stops.
"I love being the writer. Now, everyone go back to what you were doing. Han, you better go back before the twins go and blow something up."
"OMG! You're right! Kiss my Wookie!" and he disappears into thin air.
"Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. Jon just figured out why everyone was generally unhappy."
"Right. Attention my loyal subjects." Everyone keeps on talking.
"Hello? Anyone listening?"
"NO!!!" everyone yells.
"Well, could I have your attention?" No one pays head.
"Everyone please be quiet!" Talking continues. Beside him, Thayet gets up and yells:
"Everybody shut the he** up!" Everybody is quiet. Jon stares at her as she smiles sweetly at him.
"Uh, thank you Thayet. I would like everyone to take their attention to the follow individuals:
Alanna of Pirates' Swoop and Olau (knight)
Keladry of Mindelan (knight)
Nealan of Queenscove (knight)
Raoul of Goldenlake (knight)
Cleon of Kennan (knight)
Numair Salmalin (mage)
Veralidaine Sarrasri (wild mage)
And Joren of Stone Mountain (dead knight who was granted probation for Midwinter Week).
Now these individuals have a problem. None of them know how to….dun! dun! dun! know how to dance!"
Everybody in room shrieks, some keel over, while others suffer fatal heart attacks. (A/N- I love Monty Python. But there aren't any Flying Circus episodes in awhile, so I am very saddened.)
"Now you must help your dear friends in desperate need! We must either
a) Somehow get Kevin Bacon to come and teach these losers some grooves or
b) Teach them ourselves." Nobody answers because they are still in shock.
Meanwhile, our friends above are turning beet red of embarrassment and plotting in their minds ways to kill Jon.
"Ashley?"
"Yeah Alanna."
"Could I borrow the list of unfortunate individuals that can't dance?"
"Sure." I hand the list to Alanna.
"Thanks!"
"Anytime." Alanna looks over the list.
"Ok! All these people come over here!
Keladry of Mindelan (knight)
Nealan of Queenscove (knight)
Raoul of Goldenlake (knight)
Cleon of Kennan (knight)
Numair Salmalin (mage)
Veralidaine Sarrasri (wild mage)
And Joren of Stone Mountain (dead knight who was granted probation for Midwinter Week)." They all go over there.
"Ok you people," Alanna whispers "we have to kill Jon somehow, or at least get some good revenge."
"Yeah! OMG! I have never been so embarrassed!" pipes in a near-nervous-breakdown Daine.
"Wha-are-weee-gooing-tooo-dooo?" says an extremely drunken Numair.
"What if we get Thayet to help us? Everyone knows except Jon that she only married him for the money. She would help us anytime." whispers Raoul.
"I could get the Black God to help us." Joren says evilly.
"Daine could get those squirrels from Hitchcock's movie to poke Jon to death." suggests Neal.
"Those were birds genius!" Cleon retorts
"Hey, that could work." Kel says, quite unexpectedly.
"Yeah, it could!" Alanna says, now grinning evilly.
"I could get some squirrels from the forrest…yeah, this COULD work!" Daine says, now having collected herself "Oh Numy! We're going to get revenge!"
"Wha-ever-yo-sa-y-deaaaaaaaar-" and then he keels over.
"When do we do it?" Kel, the always sensible one asks.
"How about at tomorrow's ball?" Neal says.
"Good idea. Let's go." Alanna replies as the group disperses, now all wearing identical grins to Alanna's.
That was weird. I'll put up another chapter sometime today or tomorrow. May the reviews come from you.