Author Note: Hello! I'm fynghariad and this is my first ever Stargate: SG1 fic.

I have been a very dedicated and loyal fan since the age of six (which, terrifyingly is eighteen years ago) when I watched Children of the Gods on my Dad's lap before bed. I have loved science fiction for twenty years, having been obsessed with Star Trek: Next Generation (Sir Patrick Stewart, you sexy mofo) and SG1 just ticked every box. I loved this show completely and utterly before I really understood it. This is, without a doubt, my favourite show in the whole world. I used to watch it religiously and every episode always felt exciting, and even now I still feel scared, excited, nervous or annoyed alongside the characters, even though I know what is coming. I remember running to watch it in my Dad's room on his second sky box when I was at college and it was on Sky One cause he never saw the point in rewatching them, and I'd record them for when I got home if I was out, and I have been doing just that with Netflix over the past year (over and over - I think I've done it twice now) and am currently introducing my fiancee into my world. I am completely, utterly lost in all that is SG1. And I love it.

I couldn't stop thinking about what happened after Threads the first time I rewatched it last year, and I know it has been pondered over by us shippers for years, but I'd like to add my take.

All and any criticisms are very welcome. This has been written for about a month and a half and I keep changing the odd word here and there, and I just want it gone now.

Please, enjoy. And lemme know what you think? There is a little more already written at the moment, and I kind of feel that there is more to come.

Song - Ja (Yes) by Silbermond - Ich bin verloren in deiner Mitte - I am lost in the midst of you

Sam sighed and sat back in her chair, scanning over the computer screen at the notes she had just typed. As she read, her fingers reached for her coffee and she took a sip, letting a small ironic smile to slip on her lips; the weight in her chest was still heavily leaning on her heart, but throwing herself into work slowly gave her it that tiny bit of strength to support itself.

She would never have a life that wasn't this place, she scoffed softly to herself.

Technically she should be at home as she still had a week of compassionate leave, but she felt that there was no reason not to be here, especially as there was plenty to do. Her desk, which was never anything but covered in paper and artifacts at the best of times, was currently overflowing. There hadn't been much time for her to catch up on paperwork before now.

The last week had been a blur; the unease at there still being no communication from Daniel and the entire missing Gou'ald situation, introducing Pete to her Dad, getting a house, embarrassing herself in front of a CIA agent and her CO, losing her Dad, ending her relationship with Pete, telling Mark both things, almost dying because wait, Anubis!, getting Daniel back, her Dad's funeral... it all seemed to mesh together and she didn't quite know how she should feel.

So she did the only thing she could think of to make it all go away and didn't leave the mountain and threw herself into reports and equations and the ever present threat of electrical burns.

She carried a deep sorrow for the loss of her father and was going through the stages of grief like any other person would. Their relationship had never really recovered following the death of her mother, though no one's fault. She had remembered truly loving her father as a young girl; loving to sit on his knee whenever he was home and have him tie curls into her hair, and his stories at night, and 'best part of the day loves' with a hot chocolate as he told her about flying over oceans and cities, and then remembered them drifting apart and Sam always thought that she needed to do better just to get his attention, to prove herself to him and show him that she was a Carter. Since she was a young adult, she had always felt that maybe her father wished she had been a he and that nothing she did would quash that disappointment. Yet, Sam had always been inspired by her father and had been proud to follow in his steps; he had always been so strong, loyal, smart and proud and the seed of exploration and knowledge had been planted by him long ago; no matter what happened, she was her father's daughter.

The past six years, since the Tok'Ra blending, Sam had been able to get to know her father. The man who had always been a stranger, but, really, was the reason for being who and everything she was. And he was just fantastic. For the first time ever, she knew that her father was proud of her and more than that, sometimes he was in awe of her. She had often believed that his feelings in connection to her were merely an obligation to him, however, he had made it obvious through his demeanor and actions and flat out telling her that she had always had his approval and that he had always known that she was going to be formidable and amazing, though he had admitted that he never knew how incredible she actually was and still could be until they served, fought and lived side by side. He looked at her with such pride and love, that Sam couldn't even believe she had doubted it. The word father - dad - meant more than the title. It meant everything that it had done when she was still a little girl, and even more.

And it hurt that he was gone - really gone.

The funeral, though, had been more for Mark than for Sam. Unlike Sam, Mark didn't get a chance to say goodbye and she tried as much as she could to be there to support him through the day, knowing that Jack, Daniel, Teal'C and General Hammond would be able to handle everything and everybody else. She had approached the day and planned it with a stoic determination; nothing had been overlooked, everything went off without a hitch, and her father got a send off that he would have been embarrassed by but made everyone there know exactly how much they had lost- all Mark had to do was try and move through the day. He had taken the loss harder than she thought he would (a part of her bitterly chastised herself - father and son, after all!) and she felt guilty that she had had a whole relationship with her father that Mark never could have done; the tears she spilt as they laid the coffin in the ground (Mark would never have approved the cremation, so she had got a beautiful solid oak wood coffin and put her father's ashes inside it; it looked silly really and her father would have scolded her for wasting money) were more for the fact that Mark never knew his father, than for her own pain. He mourned his father because he was his father, but he didn't know what a good man he was, what a kind, generous and honourable man he was. And that sliced through Sam because Mark really deserved the chance to know him, too.

She had managed to keep it relatively together up until the wake at her house. Mark pulled her to one side in her kitchen and pressed the folded United States flag that had been thrust into his arms as son of the deceased. His eyes red rimmed, "I don't know why they gave me this. I don't want it and he would have wanted you to have it. You shared this with him, not me and it wouldn't be right", and she let herself feel the pain of his loss as she was reminded of what they had shared. She sobbed freely into Mark's shirt as he held her close against his chest and her fingers clung to the material squashed between their bodies. By the time they had pulled away, she felt as exhausted as he looked. She had smiled weakly before pressing a kiss to his cheek in thanks.

And now, the day after the funeral, she had come back to work like nothing had happened. Almost. She had noted Jack and Daniel's surprise as she walked into the control room that morning. Daniel had told her that it didn't matter what new piece of tech had been bought back, she should be at home. With a soft smile, she stated that Mark had left that morning and she would rather be doing something than sitting in her bungalow staring at nothing. The world hadn't stopped spinning. It seemed to appease him and Daniel gave her a short hug before telling her to stop by for lunch. She stood for a moment cataloging the concern and pride etched into her CO's face, before nodding curtly, "sir", and turning to talk to Walter about the daily gate diagnostic.

Now, almost three hours later, her concentration had waivered and her mind wondered.

She had found herself at her CO's house after seeing the house that Pete had purchased for them. She really hadn't been completely aware of what she was doing when she got into the car, turned the key and put her foot on the accelerator, and that was very unlike Samantha Carter. Samantha Carter planned things and thought things through and took calculated risks. She didn't jump into her car and run to her boss when things got too hard. Well, she wasn't that delusional. She knew that she had run to Jack hoping that the icey hold on her heart at Pete's gift was justified.

And while seeing Ms Kerry Johnson there looking very comfortable around him and in his house wasn't exactly what she had thought she would find, it had been enough to confirm that even if he didn't care about her more than he was supposed to anymore, she did. And it wasn't fair.

She was, has been and is in love with Jack O'Neill. Nothing could stop that; she had almost married another man in an attempt to run away, but Jack O'Neill was no safe bet, and he was the only man she had ever truly wanted.

Pete was definitely safe and while she had loved him (really and truly), it had never compared to what she felt for Jack. Pete was white picket fences and beautiful gardens, a safe and long career, kids and grand-kids and big family Thanksgivings and Hallmark Christmas Cards. He was everything that she thought she needed. Samantha Carter had never wanted any of that if she was really honest with herself. And yes, he had made her feel special, and she wanted to skip and dance and hum because it was fun. It was fun to be the centre of someone's world but he was never the centre of hers, and when she looked closer, it wasn't her that was the centre of his.

He wanted Samantha Shanahan - he wanted to mould her into his wife. Clearly, Pete didn't respect her like she did him, didn't think her job was as important as she tried to get him to believe; he certainly didn't give her the benefit of the doubt, didn't think she was as capable as he… all those misogynistic things that she had spent her life fighting.

It had hurt her a lot considering Pete's own history.

He had spoke of how his wife had left him because she couldn't stand not knowing when he would be home, what he would be doing, where he was… When Mark had mentioned Pete's career and he had spoken of it himself, she had hoped he would have some inkling of what to expect from sharing his life with her and when she got the chance to share it (because he wouldn't trust her and got himself hurt), she found out, very quickly, that things were not right. It wasn't right for her to be off gallivanting the universe if she was his wife; surely she'd be better suited in the labs or something, he had tried to argue before abruptly shutting his

mouth with a pop at her threatening eyes. And then he had tried it again. And again.

And the more she thought on it, the more she compared Jack and Pete. 'Cause, if there is anything that she knew without question, it was that Jack respected her, trusted her and god, would never push her. She had fought and earned every bit of recognition he had given her professionally and personally, and moreover, he had always believed in her. She had lost count early on of the amount of times he had praised her work and her intellect, her courage and her skill, how many times she had looked to him for a thumbs up or an encouraging look and there was one waiting for her, how many times had he told her that she had all the time in the world… Jack had never expected anything from her other than what she could, would or was able to give (even with the obvious tensions between them, even when they were still painfully evident while she was with another man, even when he knew that she felt, wanted, needed and craved the same); whereas Pete wanted her bend and twist and jump through hoops just to prove her place his life.

Based on all that information, she had no choice but to end her relationship with Pete. As a scientist it was clear to her that she didn't have all the ingredients to make a stable reaction. She may have loved him, and he loved her, but she was not going to sacrifice any part of her just to be with someone. She was a strong and capable woman would didn't need a man to make her whole; she had never wanted that, never. And hell, if she seriously considered changing her life in any way for Pete then she should turn around and go to Jack and try and tell him that she is willing, waiting and his.

She had been terrified that Pete would try and brush her off and tell her that it was only because of her Dad, but instead he had looked straight at her, looked right through her and told her "I hope you get what you want."

That hurt.

Her memories and feelings for Jack were as dangerous as the man himself, and they were not prepared to skulk away and hide in a convenient locked room because they were told to. Just because he did, why should they? Instead, they took up residence in the centre of her heart and her mind and her gut and refused to accept any argument to move them; in the same way that they had done when she realised that they were there in the first place.

Jonathan O'Neill ruined her, and no man can come close.

Everytime she looked at him, she wanted him. Not in a 'I need you to fuck me right now' kind of way (although, that was admittedly always on her mind); but in a more … well, everything kind of way.

She wanted everything with him, and it went deeper than mutual attraction and lust. What she felt for him was as alive as she was, and the pain of wanting and deliberately trying like trying to stop breathing.

The man infuriated her beyond belief almost everyday, and sometimes she found herself asking why? He was arrogant and ignorant, cocky and selfish and rude and brash and so annoying. And sometimes he'd speak with his mouth full.

And what made everything worse was that even then - even when she wanted to push him away, kick him in the balls and tell him he was an idiot - she wanted him. Like a torrid, sickening cliched romance novel.

There was nothing for it; it didn't take her long to reach the conclusion that there was no way out of the situation, that she was stuck pining after her CO until something changed or one of them ran out of luck. The latter being more likely, of course.

She had told people before the funeral; not wanting to deal with something like that on a day about her dad. Teal'C had merely raised an eyebrow when she told him about ending things with the police officer. Daniel, however, had profusely apologised about Jacob and his not being here to at least give her a hug (with Sam brushing him away, "thank you, Daniel. I'm just honoured I got the privilege to get to know him before he died."), and pointedly asked her if there has been any reason for her ending things with Pete, with that look in his eyes.

Sam had shied away - having known Daniel for so long, she recognised that look. Even now, he was more concerned with feelings and attitudes rather than rules and regulations.

She didn't answer. Instead, muttering under her breath that it wasn't important right now, she grabbed her books and walked to her lab.

Only now, just a couple of days later, it felt like the most important thing. Her father had told her she still had time to have everything she wanted. And she didn't want to let him down again. She didn't want to let herself down.

Sam frowned as she her mind ticked and whirred, she wasn't ready to give up on her career. She was very well aware that if she retired her commission, she could be with Jack in a second. But she didn't want that. She had never wanted that. She wanted to be General Samantha Carter, the stars on her shoulders as she sat behind that very desk that Jack did right now. All her years of work were going to pay off. As ambitious and audacious as her father, she knew that she could do it. Jack knew too, and she was very sure that, just as her mind told her on Prometheus, he would never let her give up that dream for him.

So how could she still have her career and him?

Was it even possible to have her cake and eat it too? Even if they could somehow bend the rules (which she knew had some merit, but give their situation - just look at their history, for Christ's sake - she felt that they were incongruous), could she even make that decision anyway; her rational mind telling her that despite how she felt, she was an Air Force Colonel. The regulations were ingrained into her.

She had fought for this position for her whole life. Every brick that had built her reputation was strengthened by her commitment to the Air Force; it was literally her life. She could never quite fathom how any version of her wouldn't have the itch to fly. That was what set her apart from every other Sam. She loved the Air Force as much as she did Jack and she was sure that being with him would amount to a cheating.

And hell, what did it matter if she could forget the rules… Jack had Ms Johnson now.

The phone ringing jolted her suddenly, the screwdriver lying next to her falling to the floor with a clatter. She huffed and placed the coffee mug carefully on the table, then she picked up the tool from the floor, scowling as the phone continued it's shrill sound.

"Carter."

"Not interrupting am I, Carter?" Jack's voice tickled in her ear.

It hadn't helped her much that every time she had been on base since her father's death, Jack had been checking up on her almost hourly; in person, by phone or even in a short email. If his figurative presence in her mind wasn't enough to remind her that she was hopelessly intoxicated by him, his voice and face and shoulders and -

"No sir, of course not. What's up?" she asked.

Damn it.

"General Hammond is here, Carter. Wants to see us both." The words came quickly and officially.

The smile dropped from her lips. "I'll be there right away."

She placed the phone back in it's cradle before brushing her hands over her front and turning sharply on her heel and out of the door.

As she made her way, she tried to figure out why General Hammond would visit them. Both herself and Jack had sent their reports to him about what had happened Earthside; that the gate had activated as they had predicted, that they had set and then deactivated the self-destruct after the threat just disappeared and then Daniel had appeared. Teal'C and Bra'tac had also submitted reports and they had started organising supplies for the increasing number of Jaffa. She had seen him at the funeral the day before and there had been no sign that anything was wrong.

Her knuckles rapped softly on the door, checked her watch and grasped the handle, closing the door behind her as she acknowledged her CO standing on the wrong side of his desk.

"Sir."

"Colonel, you remember General Hammond." he smirked at her, his hand stretched to the man sitting.

"General, sir, good to see you."

Sam smiled warmly; the SGC felt a little emptier without him and while Jack was in fact the perfect replacement, she missed him.

"Samantha," Hammond started, a small smile on his lips. "Jack."

"Sir?" two voices chorused, cautious as to the General's familiar tone while in the base.

"This conversation is going to be off the record. Sort of. Take a seat, I'll explain."

- tbc