Hey everyone! :)

This is going to be a collection of Misffle AUs, and while there's always the possibility of some of them needing two parts, they will more or less all be oneshots, but of varying length and covering virtually any kind of AU.

I have a substantial list of potential/planned ones already (from ones I had saved on tumblr), but I'll certainly consider any good suggestions I get given via review.

1 - Distress Call

'i called the wrong number and started talking about my life and you only interrupted me after a few minutes of me revealing some pretty personal stuff and now you're invested in my life troubles' au

Missy was almost home - thankfully, given that it had started to rain - when her phone rang. It wasn't a number she recognised, meaning that it was likely she had no interest in talking to whoever was on the other end, but by pure automatic instinct she swiped across the screen and brought it to her ear.

Before she could get a single word in to inquire as to who the hell they were and why the hell they were calling her, the person on the other end had launched into a full and utterly hysterical rant, making Missy blink with surprise.

"John, I did something bad. Like, really, properly bad. I should have told you when it happened, but then it all went wrong and I felt so stupid. I'm a terrible person and I deserve to feel like this, I do, but I also can't bear it so I have to tell you. I cheated on Danny, John. And it wasn't just anyone, it was Nina. She just turned up and wanted to get drinks and I shouldn't have said yes but I did because I was bored and it was Nina but Danny was away for that conference so she ended up coming home with me and it just happened-"

While the woman on the other end stopped to let out some kind of half sob, Missy took a moment to process everything she'd heard so far. Talk about a personal crisis of crushing guilt. It wasn't an emotion Missy tended to deal in, and listening to how it had clearly poisoned this other woman, she knew it was a good call on her part.

It was only one extra second before the woman was off again, preventing Missy from interrupting as she had been considering doing.

"And I know I was terrible at it, John, but I did love him, I did, Nina was a stupid whirlwind of a mistake from my past and she left the next morning telling me she'd just wanted some fun while she was in town and that she was headed back to France. Oh god I'm such an idiot. I'm such a stupid, selfish idiot. He doesn't know, John, he has no idea, but I have to tell him, I have to not lie, but I did already, he came home and I'd already cleaned the sheets and I smiled and I lied and oh god I really did it I really cheated on Danny-"

A few more sobs came out.

"But the worst part is that I'm a little bit glad, and I don't know why, because I loved him, but that's just it, somehow it's already past tense and it's like I'm glad that I have a reason to let it all fall apart, like it wasn't quite right but I didn't know it until now - what the hell is wrong with me, John? How can a part of me be happy that I did this? Why am I so completely fucked up?!"

Finally, there was an opening and Missy was able to speak.

"Well, to be perfectly candid, dear, it sounds like you've managed to find the most backward and subconscious way to get yourself out of a situation that was apparently making you just a teeny bit more miserable with every day that passed. But I could be wrong."

There was a few seconds of silence and then some spluttering on the other end.

"I - you're not John."

"Wonderfully astute observation, that is, well done," Missy drawled as she reached her house and made her way up the steps.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, I must have misdialed-"

"Well, obviously," Missy remarked, rolling her eyes as she unlocked the door even though the other woman couldn't see it, "But don't apologise. My day was quite boring before I got a call from a hot mess of a stranger in a state of apparent bisexual crisis."

"Right," came the unsure reply.

Missy discarded her coat and bag while keeping the phone at her ear. Once that was done, she sighed as she resigned herself to staying on the line. "Look, what's your name?"

"...Clara."

"Clara," Missy repeated, letting herself weigh the name on her tongue and rather liking the sound of it, "Well, Clara, I'm Missy."

"Um...hi?" There was a pause. "Are you Scottish?"

"Yes."

"Are you in Scotland?"

"No. London."

"Oh. Same."

"Hm. Central?"

"Close enough."

An idea nagged at the edge of Missy's brain. To anyone else it would be utterly mad, but that was sort of her forte and things such as rationality just weren't her priority. This Clara had intrigued her and that wasn't something that often occurred.

"Look, this is probably going to sound completely bananas, but then I am completely bananas so that's probably why," Missy began after taking a rather deep breath, "But if you need someone to talk to about all this like right now we could meet in town somewhere for coffee. Could be good for you to vent to a complete stranger who isn't going to judge you since she's already heard most of the problem."

Stunned silence occupied the other end of the line.

"I - thanks, I think, but that does sound a bit nuts because I have no idea who you are, and I'll be fine if I just call John. So, um, thanks, but I'm gonna hang up now."

Strangely disappointed, but not overly so, Missy just smiled. "Alright then, poppet. Good luck with this fine wee mess of yours."

For a second she thought there was going to be a reply, but then the connection dropped. Missy shrugged and started humming as she slid her phone into her blazer pocket and made her way to the kitchen with the intention to make herself some coffee. She'd just gotten out a mug when the phone rang again.

"Hello?"

"It's me," Clara's voice said, awkwardly, and Missy's eyebrow lifted. "I, uh, couldn't get a hold of John. And you know what? Coffee sounds really good right now and you're right, I really don't want to talk to anyone I know because I just don't think I could bear it so if the offer's still on the table, I'm buying."

"Don't be a moron," Missy said sharply, and heard Clara inhale sharply, "Day you've had, least I can do is buy you coffee."

The breath was let out. "...oh. Okay."

Missy sat in the coffee shop they'd agreed on, sipping at her own bitter and black coffee while she waited for Clara to arrive. She'd told her to look out for a dark blazer, razor cheekbones, and blood red lipstick.

A very pretty diminutive brunette came through the door, and her brown doe eyes landed on Missy almost immediately.

"Missy?" She asked as she approached.

Missy just held out a fiver. "Order and come back." Her lips curled into a small, satisfied smirk when Clara frowned a little but did as she was bid.

This day certainly had taken an interesting turn. Helping out a hopeless case to relieve boredom was one thing, but now the hopeless case was beautiful as well as vulnerable and that was a combination Missy found hard to resist when mixed in with subconsciously selfish and possibly self-destructive.

"Thank you," Clara said as she came to sit down and handed Missy the change. Missy pocketed the coins and surveyed her properly in the meantime, noting that she was likely twenty years younger than herself, with cropped brown hair and those impossibly large eyes of deep chocolate. They were watching her curiously.

"So, who's John, anyway, and why isn't he picking up?" Missy asked.

"My best friend. He's just hopeless sometimes. He's probably busy investigating the lifecycle of a certain species of dragonfly or something and just totally forgotten that something like his phone even exists."

"Well, in all honesty, this particular problem seems like it could use a more feminine touch of advice."

"...you're probably right," Clara admitted, but frowned at her slightly as she sipped her coffee, "But in all honesty, why are you wasting your time helping out a complete stranger? You don't look like the type."

"I'm not," Missy replied, tapping her fingernail against her own cup, "But I heard enough of your story to intrigue me. It doesn't happen often, I was bored and didn't have anything else to do, and I can't abide boredom. So why not help you and get some answers for my many questions?"

"Curiosity and boredom," Clara repeated, with apparent disbelief, "Seriously, that's it?"

"Isn't it enough?" Missy retorted. "It was a bonus that you ended up being so very pretty, certainly, but you were interesting even before that."

An absolutely delightful blush coloured Clara's cheeks at her words. "Um, I really have no idea what to say to that."

"Say nothing to it, just tell me the rest of the story."

So Clara did, and Missy learned how she and this Danny had been dating for about a year since meeting through teaching at the same school, how he had been awkward but sweet and they had stumbled their way through a horrific first date and somehow ended up in a relationship against all odds. How Clara had thought she was happy but now realised had been slowly becoming bored with Danny and the life they had been building.

Not a terribly interesting story, so Missy only half paid attention and put the rest of her focus into examining every inch of the other woman's face, body, and clothing.

"Does that make me a terrible person? Getting bored of him?"

"No, it makes you not boring," Missy said, eyeing her intently and enjoying how the younger woman shifted under her gaze. "Which is good, because I don't do boring."

"But what do I do?"

"Well, you have to leave him, poppet, I'd have thought that was obvious. Probably after telling him the truth since you seem all concerned about the morality of the situation."

Clara's eyes held reservation and melancholy. "But what if that's not what I want?"

"Sister, even I know it's what you want, and I've known you all of an hour," Missy said with a snort. "You want something new. You need it like you need air, there's just a part of you that can't accept how malcontented you were before."

Clara swallowed hard. "You're right."

"Of course I am," Missy said simply, "Besides, you have to break up with him immediately or else I won't be able to ask you out without that pesky guilt of yours getting in the way."

It shouldn't have been possible, but Clara's eyes got even larger. "I - what?"

"I think you're breathtakingly beautiful and surprisingly not boring, and you've looked at my lips and breasts a combined total of fifteen times since you first saw me," Missy told her, examining her nails in a show of feigned disinterest. "I know you're not heterosexual because it was sleeping with that Nina that got you into this mess in the first place."

Clara's mouth had fallen open, but the alarm in her face told Missy that she had hit the nail on the head. The older woman leaned across the table to rest her hand on Clara's forearm with a deliberately light and teasing touch.

"So go to your boyfriend and break up with him, then come and have dinner with me," Missy murmured, her voice low and seductive as her fingers ghosted over the skin of the other woman's arm, "And I promise you'll never be bored again."

Clara, with slightly parted lips and dilated pupils, just stared.

"Okay," she whispered a moment later.

Missy smiled. "Good girl."

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought! :)

-MayFairy

Next time:

Hogwarts AU - i am headboy/headgirl, and i've been asked to give a presentation on safe sexual practices, and you will not stop asking me uncomfortable questions to embarrass me, please stop, i know you know the answer to that, we did it last night