Title: "On Being Captain Sparrow"

Author: Phoenix Archangel

Rated: PG-for language

Disclaimer: I don't own Jack Sparrow, or PotC. I don't own South Park. I claim First Mate Stan, though. And Crewmember Cartman. (Word to the people: First Mate and Crewmember are also real).

This story is based on actual events, ones that really, truly happened. I myself was Captain Sparrow. Some of it is quite impossible, but please ask for the story-not all is as it seems. This is the Captain's Log. (Go ahead, ask me how it happened-I'd love to explain it to you.)

Captain's Log: Day 1

We set sail today from Tortuga. The First Mate and I cast a look over the vast expanse of water laid before us. Crewmember Cartman was aft, steering the vessel. Our journey through the Caribbean Islands had begun. The sun was bright, the vessel sound and the outlook bright.

Day 4:

We've been drifting steadily over the past two days. Tempers are flaring, but we're still a jovial bunch. Crewmember wants to pull in a bit closer to the islands. He's an experienced chap. The water here is deep and green. It's filthy looking, and warm. There's a lot of seaweed. First Mate keeps making passes at me.

Day 7:

Despite our efforts, we've drifted again; farther this time. Not sure how far out we are. Few leagues-can't see land now. Crewmember is annoyed. He's down below now, figuring out how to push back to land.

Day 13:

It's tranquil out here in the open ocean. I'm looking into the green waters as I write. I worry about getting back, but not so much. I went for a swim with First Mate and Crewmember. They find it a bit funny that their Captain doesn't swim well. Been a bit hungry. We're pulling into shore for provisions. We'll make land by nightfall.

Day 17:

We took on provisions-drink and such. First Mate and I remained on deck, while Crewmember splashed about down below. The currents here are strong and we've been blown out to sea quite a distance. I'll finish my drink and have a sleep now.

Day 19: You'll never believe how far we've gotten from the Caribbean in just 19 days. We're in Australia due to a storm that almost took our lives. It went as so…

Crewmember was down below, while First Mate and I were up on deck. Our hearty jollyboat The Water Penis came untied and washed overboard. First Mate swam to retrieve it, knowing how much it meant to us. He'd gotten quite far away from the vessel, and nearly drowned. Would have missed him terribly-he gives great massages. Crewmember went out to bring him back in our second ship (usually tied up behind us), aptly named The Captain Jack. First Mate was exhausted but alright. Then the storm came. We were tossed in the air, slammed into the waves, and finally stopped today.

We're near a coral reef off the coast of Sydney. Dangerously close. I need to break off with you now. The Black Pearl needs her Captain.