Title: Old Friends, New Lives - Part 1
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: Sergeant
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything. Don't sue … no money. The lyrics are from "My Sacrifice" by Creed and they own it.
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback: Would be appreciated - good or bad.
Spoilers: A teeny tiny one for Goodbye, Farewell and Amen. But it shouldn't ruin the ep for you if you haven't seen it yet.
Summary: BJ heads to Chicago on business and runs into someone he never expected to see again.
A/N: This fic is dedicated to Snarky. I missed you and am glad you're back! Also? Don't kill me … this fic is only half-finished. BUT, I wanted to get it posted because maybe that will kick me in the butt and get me to finish it. Oh, and even though I'm from the Chicago-land area, I don't necessarily know where everything is. sheepish grin Enjoy!
I just want to say hello again.
"I really don't want to go," I cringe at the sound of my own whiny voice.
"BJ, would you listen to yourself? You sound like a ten year old boy who's just been asked to take out the garbage."
"Going to Chicago for a medical conference isn't exactly the same thing as walking to the curb with some trash, dad," I pause and glance down at my hands. They are trembling slightly. "You know I don't like to fly. I haven't since I came back from Korea."
"Well, you're the one who decided to go into thoracics. You're the one who needs to learn all of those fancy new techniques." My father shakes his head at me. "You're the one in this partnership who decided that a small family practice wasn't enough for him."
"I get your point."
"You could've stayed a GP. If you had done that, well, you'd be staying right here. Safe on the ground."
"Dad!" The more he talks, the more frustrated I get. "I'm going. Stop already."
"It's about time you decided to grow up and act like the forty-five year old man that you are."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I stand and walk to the door of my father's office. "I'm gonna head home. I need to pack."
"Are you going to call Peg?"
"Please don't start on that. I'm really not in the mood."
"Just because you're divorced, doesn't mean that you shouldn't at least tell her you'll be gone for a week. And what about Erin?"
"I'll make sure I call Erin," I say shortly and glance back at him through the doorway. "You do realize that she's almost seventeen, right? She'd rather hang out with her friends than spend time with me, anyway. I'm sure that my being gone for seven days won't make or break her schedule."
"Still …"
"Goodbye, dad. I'll see you when I get back."
The first three days of the conference are pretty uneventful - and actually, they are downright boring. Introductions. Doctors patting themselves on the back for being so brilliant. More introductions. It's enough to make a sane man want to put a gun into his mouth and pull the trigger.
As I'm sitting through the final session of the day, my mind begins to wander; taking me back to a conversation I had with Hawkeye when we were in Korea. We were in the mess talking about what we weren't going to miss once we went home. Hawk told me that I was the only thing he'd miss and I said that we'd see each other in the states. That there would be medical conferences. He had looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I could picture either of us at a conference. We'd both laughed softly and agreed that, no, we couldn't. Then Hawk had gotten all serious - trying to get me to say goodbye. I stormed out on him, not wanting to talk about the fact that we'd be separating. Possibly forever.
On our last day, we said we'd see each other again. I'd even promised that we would. Things didn't work out that way, and after only two years of phone calls and letters, we'd lost touch.
Shortly after that, Peg and I began to have problems. I've never known whether the two things were related to each other or if it was coincidence. I guess it really doesn't matter much now. After three and a half years of struggling through therapy, Peg decided she'd had enough. She left me.
It wasn't a bitter divorce and I didn't blame her for it. In the end, I agreed to give Peg full custody and in turn, she'd let me see Erin whenever I wanted. And that arrangement worked out fine. For a while.
About a year after the final papers had been signed, Peg got remarried. Things changed completely after that. We fought almost every time we had contact. I began to see Erin less, and started to devote more of my free time to learning everything about thoracic medicine. I didn't even realize it at the time, but I'm sure that I chose to study that particular field because of Hawkeye.
And now, here I am. In Chicago, sitting through this mind-numbing, ego-boosting chatter.
With a sigh, I glance down at my notepad. A sharp, quick laugh escapes me, disrupting the lecture. Several glares are shot in my direction, but I ignore them. While reminiscing, I had sketched a picture --
-- of the still.
The speaker thankfully ends his presentation and I'm finally free for the rest of today. I stand and stretch my tired body. I exit the facility and inhale deeply, eagerly anticipating my trip back to the hotel. The sun is shining brightly - the air is temperate and comfortable. A six-block walk will allow me some time to unwind.
I get about a block away from the convention center and realize that I've left my jacket on the back of my chair. Oh well, I think. It's not like I had any pressing plans anyway. With a shrug and a smile, I turn on my heels and head back.
I re-enter the lecture hall and see my jacket hanging where I had left it. With a low chuckle, I stride down the aisle to retrieve it. I turn to leave and notice a man sitting near the back of the empty room. His head is bent very low - forehead resting on one hand, arm blocking the view of his face. All I can tell about this man is that he is very slender, has a head full of salt and pepper hair, and is completely engrossed in something that he has in his lap. I stand there and study him for a moment.
There's a vague familiarity about him. That hunched-over, focused-on-the-task-at-hand look that he has about him. An overwhelming desire to talk to him fills me. I almost decide to ignore the feeling, but then I remember something my dad said to me when I first mentioned this seminar to him.
"Maybe your friend will be there."
"What friend is that, dad?"
"That doctor. The one you were so close with in Korea. What was his name?"
"Hawkeye. Hawkeye Pierce."
"Yeah, that's him. Wasn't he in thoracics?"
"He was, but I doubt that Hawk's gonna be at that seminar."
"Why not?"
"It's not his thing, dad. It's not usually mine, either."
"You're always saying how you should contact him again. Well, maybe he'll be there."
I glance back at the lonely figure at the back of the auditorium. There's no way it could be Hawkeye, could it? I decide that I've got nothing to lose and with a shrug, I approach him. He doesn't even lift his head when I walk up.
"Excuse me," I say quietly and tap him lightly on the shoulder.
"Mmmmm hmmm?" comes his soft response. He glances up at me and when his clear blue eyes meet mine, my heart stops. I almost fall over in shock.
"Hawk?" I can barely get his name out. "Is that you?"
"Oh my, God!" He jumps out of his chair and all his papers flutter to the floor. "BJ! BJ Hunnicutt!"
Hawkeye grabs me and wraps me in a tight embrace. I slide my own arms around him and squeeze back as hard as I can.
"I can't believe it," I whisper against his hair. "I just can't believe it."
"Beej, is it really you? I feel like I should pinch myself. Or pinch you. To see if this is a dream."
"It's not a dream, Hawk. I'm here. And so are you." We untangle ourselves and step back from each other. I can't keep the smile off my face. "What are you doing here?"
"I know what I'm doing here, Beej. I'm a thoracics specialist and this is a thoracics conference. What are you doing here?"
"I guess I'm learning how to be a thoracics specialist," I say with a smirk.
"You mean I was actually a good influence on someone?"
"Looks that way."
"Well, that's not going to be good for my reputation."
"Don't worry. I won't let it get around. Your secret's safe with me."
"Thanks." His smile grows. "Let me take a look at you." I take a few steps away from him and twirl in a little circle. "God, it's so good to see you, Beej. It's been, what, fifteen years since we left Korea?"
"Something like that, yes."
"I'm sorry we lost touch."
"Hawk, don't apologize. I let it happen, too."
"So, how are things with you? How's Peg and Erin?" I feel myself go tense at the mention of my ex-wife's name. Hawkeye, perceptive as he always has been, notices my discomfort immediately. "What's wrong? Did something happen to Erin or Peg?"
"I think I'm going to need a few drinks before having that conversation."
"Okay. I know the perfect place. Not much to look at, but they make a killer martini. Drier than the desert in a drought. As long as you don't mind a short cab ride."
"Not at all."
"Well, then, let's go."
"I'm all yours, Hawk."
Hello my friend, we meet again
It's been a while, where should we begin
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh, I remember
"This place sorta reminds me of Rosie's," I take a slow sip of my drink. "Minus the war, the shelling, the rats."
Hawkeye nods and glances in my direction. An uncomfortable silence begins to settle around us. It's very unnerving because there has never been an uncomfortable moment between us. Not really.
"So," I say in an attempt to fill in the gap before it swallows us entirely. "How are things in Maine?"
"I actually don't know. I've been in Boston for almost five years now."
"Boston?"
"Yeah. After my dad died …"
"Oh, Hawk. I'm so sorry. I hadn't heard."
"Don't be sorry. He died peacefully in his sleep. Just like he'd always wanted."
"When?"
"Six years ago."
"What happened? A stroke?"
"Yep. It was a massive one - killed him instantly."
"Well, I guess if you're gonna go, that's the way to do it."
"Yeah," he pauses and finishes his martini. "After he was gone, I decided I needed a change of scenery. So I moved to Boston. I've been at Boston General for just over four years now. Charles and I …"
"Charles? Emerson Winchester? The third?"
"The same. When I decided I was moving to Boston, I looked him up - gave him a call. He mentioned that they were looking for someone in his department. They hired me immediately. I didn't even interview. I got the job based on his recommendation alone. Anyway, we've been co-chairs of the cardiovascular/thoracics department since last year."
"Well, I'll be damned. You and Charles, together again. Has he changed at all?"
"Not really. He's still an egotistical snob. But it's much easier to stomach when you're only working together and not living, eating and breathing five feet away from him."
I laugh and order another round of drinks.
"What about you, Beej?" He glances at me out of the corner of his eyes. "Had enough yet?"
"Peg and I," I sigh deeply and turn my eyes to my martini. "We're divorced."
"What happened?"
"You know, I'm still not entirely sure. Things were never the same once I got back from Korea. I was having nightmares a lot. Sullen. Distant. Peg couldn't understand why I was acting the way that I was. Why I needed some space for myself from time to time. And I couldn't understand why Peg couldn't understand. Things were okay for a while, but once you and I lost touch, our marriage went downhill. Fast. It was like the one outlet I had to channel all of my issues about Korea into was gone, and I started to pull further and further away from her."
Hawkeye begins to speak, but I hold up my hand to silence him.
"It's not your fault, Hawk. Like I said, I let our friendship fade, too." I take a sip of my drink. "Anyway, we tried therapy. Three and a half years of it. Didn't take. She filed and we got divorced. I let her have full custody of Erin, but Peg being Peg, let me see her whenever I wanted. Then, about a year after the divorce was final, Peg got remarried."
"Uh oh."
"Yeah. We started fighting whenever we saw or spoke to each other. My relationship with Erin became strained - partially because of the situation, partially because of her getting too old for 'daddy'. Needless to say, we don't have much contact anymore."
"Beej, I'm really sorry."
I nod and refocus on my drink. The silence begins to surround us again, but this time it's the familiar silence that we've always shared between us. I glance over at Hawkeye and notice that he's running his finger along the edge of his glass. I feel a smirk curling the corner of my lips.
"Something else on your mind, Hawk?"
"What makes you think that?"
"That," I answer, pointing to his fingertip sliding over the smooth glass.
"My finger?"
"Hawkeye, when we were in Korea, you would always do that when you were thinking about something."
"Really?" I nod in response. His eyes shift to his hand and he watches himself unconsciously trace the edge of the drink. "Huh. I guess I never noticed."
"Well, I think we all had something - some sort of tick, that we used to transfer our stresses to while we were there. Mine was darning socks. Yours was … that."
Hawkeye doesn't respond and keeps running his finger around his glass. Once and a while, he dips the tip into the gin and when he places it back on the rim, a soft humming fills the air. Something about the sound is making me very anxious. My skin begins to prickle with goosebumps.
"So?"
He jumps at the sound of my voice, his hand dropping to the bar and away from his glass. Now I know he's got something on his mind, and I have a sneaking suspicion that is has to do with Korea.
"Would you just spit it out already," I say with a grin. "That humming is making me crazy!"
"It's nothing," he replies and lifts his hand again. Before he can reach his glass, I place my hand over his, and hold it against the bar.
"Do you think I don't know you, Hawk? Do you think I can't read you like a goddamn book?" I tighten my grip on his hand. "It's obviously not nothing, so just tell me."
"I was," he swallows roughly and glances around the almost-deserted pub. Then, he turns his eyes to mine. "Thinking about Korea. About that night."
That night. I remember it clearly.
We'd had a rough day in OR. Both of us had lost a patient - no they weren't just patients. They were only kids. Eighteen, nineteen at the most. After we finished for the day, we'd filled up a couple of hot water bottles with gin and had taken off to hide. And to get stinking drunk. We wanted to be away. To escape. Even if it was only for a few hours. Just beyond camp, we had found a small cove situated next to the pond. It was early morning - two or three a.m. probably - and the sky was still pitch black. We were completely hidden. Invisible.
We began to drink. And drink. Until we were both numb. Or at least, I thought we were. I lost it. Broke into sobs that shook my entire body. Hawkeye had grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me. He held me and stroked my back until my shaking subsided. Then he'd pulled away slightly and brushed away my tears with his fingertips. I opened my eyes and met his. Through the darkness, I saw such passion, such wanting, reflected in his gaze, that it almost knocked me over. I reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt and held on tightly. Hawkeye moved his hand to the back of my neck and he pulled me forward.
Our mouths connected in a bruising kiss. Lips, teeth, tongues - all moved together. Heated. Breathless. I clung to him as if I were a drowning man and he was a life-saving raft. My body began to respond to him. Blood and heat rushed into my groin and I became fully erect. I jerked away from Hawkeye, shoving him back in the process. Jumping to my feet, I brushed my hand over my swollen lips.
"I can't do this, Hawk."
"Beej …"
"No," I had said and turned away. "I'm sorry. I want to, but I can't."
Those were my last words to him that night. I had rushed off into the blackness, leaving my best friend behind. Sitting there, all alone. To Hawkeye's credit, he'd never brought it up. We never spoke of it. We went along as if nothing had even happened that night.
But I always knew, deep down, that it would be discussed. Somewhere, somehow, it would be resolved. And it seemed like now was going to be that time.
"Yeah, I think we should talk about it," I say and finish off my drink.
"I've thought about it a lot over the years."
"Me, too."
"I still don't know what I was thinking."
"You were trying to make me feel better. You were probably trying to make yourself feel better, too."
"Yeah, but you were my best friend. My married, male, best friend." Hawkeye is starting to ramble non-stop and it brings a smile to my face. It's so - him.
"That's true," I manage to interject.
"And I'd never done anything like that before. Not even with Trapper." I stiffen at the mention of the man's name, but Hawk doesn't notice and keeps rattling on. "And I always knew that he would've been willing. He made it perfectly clear to me. On more than one occasion."
"Okay," I say and order two more drinks.
"It was a mistake, BJ." His voice cracks and he clears his throat. "And, I'm sorry."
"Hawk," I place my hand under his chin and turn his face toward mine. His eyes swim with unshed tears. I know they won't ever fall, and that's okay. "The only mistake that night was made by me."
"What?"
"I should have stayed with you." As I pull my hand away from his face, I trace my thumb over his bottom lip. The air around us begins to buzz with static. "I never should have walked away."
"Beej," he starts, but I shake my head and he stops speaking.
"I'm done talking about this, Hawk."
My friend's eyes cloud over with confusion and his face falls. I feel the corner of my mouth lift into a grin.
"I may be finished talking," I say and stand. I finish my drink in one long swallow and toss some money onto the bar. "But, this conversation is far from over."
The glint returns to Hawkeye's sky-blue eyes.
"Are you suggesting a change of venue?"
"Yes, I believe that I am."
"You sure?"
"Are you," I ask carefully, tilting my head to the side, but not losing eye contact. I can hear the challenge in my voice.
"Let's go," he answers, tone matching mine. "Where to?"
"I'm staying at the W on Adams."
"I'm much closer."
"What're we waiting for?"
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
In an instantIt feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind\
Let's find peace there
TBC