Man once sang to me
Look at you saving the world on your own
And I wonder how things gonna be
'Cause the time here it passes so slow
In a city of devils we live
A city of devils we live
Find somebody to learn
Boy you gotta love someone more than yourself
I can feel the fire of the city lights burn
It's hard to find angels in hell
On most days, Matsuda Tatou was the first to come and last to leave. On most days, he would come in with a cheery smile on his face and a bag of donuts in hand. Most days, he would get the coffee started so that Aizawa and Yagami and Mogi would have something to drink. Most days, Matsuda was there.
But then there were days when Matsuda was the last to arrive, but still the last to leave. On those days, his appearance would be disheveled, face flushed as soft pants escaped his lips. On those days, he would bow low and explain that he had overslept, his alarm didn't go out. On those days, Yagami or Aizawa would reprimand Matsuda and tell him he should be more responsible.
And so Lawliet - or, as most knew him, L - unconciously fell into a routine that Matsuda Tatou would be there every day, early or late. And when Matsuda didn't show up early one day, L hadn't worried.
"He's just late," he told himself . But six turned to eight, and then ten, and still no Matsuda. And then, L began to worry. He would keep glancing at the clock on the computer, keep resisting the urge to turn around at every little noise that happened behind him. He worried, but he said nothing.
The next day, there was still no Matsuda. L was beginning to find it harder to concentrate, though he couldn't figure out why. Thoughts began to form in his head, what if Kira got Matsuda? What if Matsuda is sick? What if Matsuda is lying in an alley somewhere, bleeding... Eventually, he settled on the least worst of them all; he's just sick. But still, shouldn't he had called in?
The third day with no Matsuda, L had gone to Watari.
"Watari, have you heard from Matsuda-san?" he had asked innocently, blinking big brown eyes at the older man.
With a soft 'hmm', Watari replied, "No, I haven't heard anything from him. Shall I go investigate?"
And L had said yes, but "don't let the others know." Because if the others - especially Yagami-kun - knew that L was worried about Matsuda, it could pose a threat to Matsuda. For the younger man's sake, L couldn't make it known that he was concerned.
On the fourth day, Watari had come back with nothing. The police they were affiliated with hadn't gotten a call from Matsuda saying if he had gone on vacation or anything like that. Thoroughly upset, L had almost missed Mogi's low voice talking to Aizawa.
"Matsuda-san emailed me last night," Mogi said. "He said he wouldn't be able to come to work for a while."
"What?! Why? We need him!" Aizawa had exclaimed in a loud whisper.
"He didn't say. Just said he was 'taking an indefinite leave.'"
"Indefinite leave?! I've never known him to take a day off before, even when he's sick... and why'd he email you, anyway?!"
Mogi had shrugged, and noticed L looking at them. He silently went back to work, and Aizawa, realizing it as well, also resumed working.
That day, L left the HQ. No explanations, no further instructions about what people should do during his abscence. Nothing. He just got up and left, and the others, assuming he had to use the bathroom, said nothing.
It didn't take long for L to reach Matsuda's appartment, a small one by the HQ. L's first impression was, Surely Matsuda-san earns more than this... followed by, Is it even safe for Matsuda-san here...? Nevertheless, after getting Matsuda's room number, L had gone up the stairs and found himself in front of apartment twelve. Staring at the graffiti-colored door in shock, L took a moment to recover before knocking on the door. A muffled groan, and then feet padding on the wooden flooring. The handle turned, and the door opened.
"Kishimoto-san, I... Oh. Ryuuzaki-san," a rumpled Matsuda had said. L was silent, taking in the sight of his coworker. Red-rimmed eyes, greasy hair, an odd smell with a thin cloud of smoke... Was Matsuda leaving work to make drugs? Sell them?
But Matsuda had opened the door wider, bowing and apologizing for being so rude, he hadn't expected anyone to come, and sorry for the mess, and it was then that L noticed a small shrine for the deceased in a corner, the odd smell coming from there. Incense, L realized suddenly. That's what the smell was.
Following Ryuuzaki's gaze, Matsuda laughed nervously, running a hand through his oily hair. "My... my parents," he said. Giving a shuddering breath, he added, "My father, he died of a heart attack. And my mother commited suicide right after. They were really in love, so..."
He laughed again, only this time he couldn't stop, and he lowered himsef onto his couch, shoulders shaking and hands covering his face. Ryuuzaki, unsure of what to do or say, stayed by the door. What was he supposed to when someone was laughing because their parents were dead? If Matsuda didn't care, then why hadn't he come to work? Unless...
Unless the laughter really was crying, and Matsuda did care...
"I'm sorry for your losses," Ryuuzaki said, biting his lip. Matsuda peered at him between two fingers, before shaking his head.
"It's my fault anyway," Matsuda said. "They wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for me."
"That's ridiculous. What happened was not-" L started, trailing off when he recalled Matsuda's words.
"My father, he died of a heart attack..."
Heart attack. Kira. The investigation.
No wonder Matsuda thought it was his fault.
"What happened was not your fault," L said again after a moment. He walked over to Matsuda, kneeling down in front of the man, and took Matsuda's hands in his own. Staring into Matsuda's own brown eyes, L repeated, "What happened was not your fault."
Eyes wide, Matsuda gave another shakey laugh, more tears forming in his eyes. L didn't like seeing Matsuda cry, he realized then. And so he did something about it.
Keeping Matsuda's hands infolded within his own, L stretched up to kiss at Matsuda's eyes, blinking at the saltiness of tears. But he continued to give light kisses, his own eyes closed, and when he opened them he saw that Matsuda was staring at him, his eyes dilated, face close to L's own. Letting his head drop so it was against L's, Matsuda sighed.
"Look at you, saving the world on your own. And then there's me, doing nothing..." he murmured softly.
"Matsuda-san, you're doing something," L said, keeping his eyes locked with Matsuda's. "I may be saving the world, but you're saving me."
Actually wrote this a long time but was down or something and wouldn't let me update.
Title is from Yellowcards 'City of Devils', as is the beginning lyric thingy.
Reviews are loved muchly and stuff. :'D