Author's Notes: I apologize before hand if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes. English isn't my native language and, also, this work is un beta'd.
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Light Colors
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At first, you thought it was Souda.
Of course, you could never really tell. Naïveté surrounded the magenta haired boy whenever he expressed himself, especially surrounding his obsession over the "soul friend" concept. The word sent a strange feeling down your spine, an unbearable twist in your stomach and constantly nudged your throat. You started wondering why such a strange feeling took over your senses so abruptly. The despair it caused inside your heart made you restless, frantically looking for an answer before you got sick of such feeling. All you could think of was that maybe such despair would bring a greater hope, but since it happened inside of you, all you could think about was that it would never end since it was happening to you.
A piece of garbage like you could never be cured of the despair that lived inside your body.
But, if that was the case, how were you supposed to be a stepping stone for hope if you felt such despair by thinking it might be Souda who caused it? That a symbol of hope would make you feel such… funny sensations inside.
"Are you sure you're not overthinking, Komaeda-kun?"
Little did you know or, in fact, you've never imagined you would be spending your free time with Nanami, watching the waves of the ocean. Such relaxing melody was straining your ears due to the restless pounding of your heart. She looked at you, lavender eyes shining brightly under the sun. You thought that, sometimes, they appeared to be pink instead. Nanami blinked three times, waiting for an answer.
"My apologies, Nanami-san." You said apologetically, closing your eyes. You drowned yourself in the smell of the ocean breeze and the texture of the white sand between your fingers, occasionally feeling a seashell with your fingertips. "I really don't want to burden such a wonderful person as you with trivial matters. Trash like me only has trashy thoughts, after all."
"Komaeda-kun, if you start spurring all of this nonsense I will leave." She pouted. "You've been skipping meals… I think. I haven't seen you in the hotel's restaurant for a whole week."
"Worrying about my eating habits… I really don't deserve your kindness, Nanami-san." Opening your eyes, you felt a sting. The sunlight was too harsh, too bright. It crumbled your view, the same way these feelings tore you apart. "Gathering materials leaves me very tired so I prefer to go to bed early."
Lies.
That's one good thing you were good at.
Putting up a façade.
"But even skipping breakfast…?" Nanami pointed an accusatory finger, "I'm concerned about you. Hinata-kun's also worried. He hasn't said anything though since he's a bit too blunt with his words… I think."
You wince. You hug your legs with amazing speed. You want to run away. You can't. You just stay there, mouth completely shut. The beating increases.
You picture Souda again.
Your mind draws Hinata's smile, while looking at Souda from afar.
"Komaeda-kun, please." She took your right hand, and cupped it with both of hers. "Sometimes … maybe… is good to let other people know what your thoughts are. I believe I'm a good listener…"
"Nanami-san, I'm really grateful for just sitting here with me instead of making your talent shine brightly by playing a game, I mean it. A worthless human being like me doesn't deserve such kind treatment, and I wonder what bad luck will come out of this… that's why… I can't." Filled with hesitation, a smile was automatically plastered upon your face as a defense mechanism.
"And if you see as this conversation as bad luck instead?" Her words were unexpected. She was thinking outside the box. Such reasoning coming from a symbol of hope made your heart flutter in a different way, driving those painful feelings away for brief seconds. "I mean, you weren't expecting me to approach you today, right? If you had any plans I ruined them, right?"
Following her line of thinking, you pondered. Yes, you were planning to spend a peaceful afternoon at the library, perhaps reading about who knows what but, nevertheless, you had a plan and Nanami interrupted such thing from happening. Maybe opening up to her wasn't good luck of having someone to listen to your problems. It could be bad luck having to tell her such things, since you would be talking about trivial things. You considered that what you felt had minimal importance to other people. So maybe, just maybe, telling her such useless things, such unimportant matters might be your bad luck affecting Nanami.
Since, after all, who would take into consideration the thoughts of a pile of garbage?
"Very well, you win this time. As expected from the Super High School Level Gamer. Winning at your own game." Taking a deep breath you wondered how to start. Words. Words were incapable of leaving your thoughts.
How should I start?
The question echoed through your head.
"Don't think too much about it, Komaeda-kun… I think that if you keep overthinking it, your head might overheat as game consoles do." Nanami looked at the sky, her index finger slightly below her chin. "Do you mind if I start playing something? It could help you relax a bit if you think I'm not listening, right?"
She smiled.
You had to control yourself the need to thank her for the second... or maybe tenth time?
"You see, Nanami-san… I've been… having some unusual sentiments lately." Transforming it into words was an ordeal. "Every time I… gaze at this certain individual, pain overcomes me."
Hearing the sound of her game coming out of the pink handheld console relaxed you. As an automatic instinct, your mind believed she wasn't listening. You knew perfectly well that once she poured her concentration into a game, she disconnected from the outer world.
Blip. Pew, pew. Swish, swish.
Bad luck. Yeah, it was back luck.
"It's… painful." You continued, focusing your greyish eyes towards the sparkling turquoise ocean. It was beautiful. Light colours mixing into a single entity, shining like a prism. "I know that an insignificant person like me deserves nothing of the sort. Such painful and… hurtful thoughts should be canalized towards me… not to another being."
In the bliss of your feigned innocent gaze, there lied an incompletely hidden temptation of hurting that someone. Well, not technically hurting them but, the never ending wish of having them disappear always lingered in your mind. If by any chance a mutual killing game started (though you didn't know why you thought of something so specific), you wouldn't be able to contain your urge to eliminate them, even if it repulsed you by not being for the sake of a bigger hope.
It just invited a bigger darkness towards your confused heart.
Because those who have punishments yearn too much. You deserved to be a stepping stone, to be used by others and poured your best intentions to be useful for that even if they didn't understand and labeled you as insane. Even still, you yearned for someone's love, not wishing to die alone.
Blip. Pew, pew. Swish, swish.
Even if the world shined with bright colours, everything faded away in the greyness of your eyes.
"It's not that I constantly watch them but, my luck brings me upon situations that always end up that way. As you say, I might be overthinking but," You clenched your chest, wondering if your heartbeat might kill you in an instant, "Is it wrong for me to wish that they looked at me in the same way they look at them?"
Nanami turned her game off, in the middle of the battle with the final boss.
For the first time, you doubted your luck. Lucky? Unlucky? Only time will tell.
She had stopped a final battle.
Nanami had done an outrageous thing towards her Talent for someone as pathetic as you.
"Komaeda-kun." She turned around, determination in every fiber of her body. "I'm not good at games that involve feelings. That's why the only games I can't seem to beat are dating sims. Nonetheless, I'm going to try and make a guess. It would be like a game… I think."
"If you see it like a game, you might guess correctly. As the Super High School Level Gamer you should be able to do it." You said happily, in a cheerful tone. You were being useful. Maybe it was good luck after all.
"I… I think it might be jealousy."
"Jealousy?" An imperceptible sigh escaped your pale lips while you cross your arms, somewhat unamused. "Am I deserving of feeling such thing?"
"Everyone has the right to feel jealous… it's a basic human feeling, and everyone is programmed to feel it."
"Nanami-san, you talk as if we weren't human beings. Then again, trash like me—"
"I'm not finished, Komaeda-kun." A stern voice came out of Nanami. You shut your mouth to please her. You had the courage to not close your eyes until the very end and listened closely. "I've been able to see it in the last few weeks, before you started skipping every meal this past week."
What Nanami said was like a tongue twister, but you let it slide.
You heard the voices of the birds suddenly descending from the sky stretching high, fluffy clouds drifting away.
"I cherish both of you very much." Nanami smiled brightly, as if she were a mother watching over her offspring, "That's why, I think I've noticed it. Maybe a little more than you…"
Confusion was drawn all over your face. Nanami noticed something that you haven't? Also, she, cherishing you? It was hard to grasp that she cherished you and someone else at the same time. That was a topic you should discuss in another ocassion, so you also let that one slide.
"You were fixated towards a certain individual, that you ignored everything else… I think."
"Please, illuminate me, Nanami-san." Even if you weren't trying to sound harsh, the sentence came against your own will.
"I think those eyes were looking towards someone else… not to Souda-kun."
You flinched.
"You should have two Talents, Nanami-san. You're also worthy of being called Super High School Level Perception." A small chuckle came out under a tattered laugh.
"Hinata-kun has been acting strange lately, so I think that's why I've noticed. The way he kept losing while playing games with me were not the same as always." She sighted, ignoring your compliment if it should be considered as one. "He lost due to lack of concentration, not while giving his best and having fun…"
"I see."
"Try to think. Who's always with Souda-kun as of lately?"
You stitched the clues. Now everything made sense. Why the colours were appealing to you lately. Yes, that was the reason. Colours always were reflected on Hinata's irises.
At first, you thought it was Souda.
Now, you knew it was Mioda.
"Of course, that was dumb of trash like me, believing I had the correct answer. As expected of Nanami-san, you won once again."
"Souda-kun involuntarily goes towards Mioda-san." Nanami continues. "Or at least, that's what I think from what I've seen. That's why every time you've fixated your gaze towards Hinata-kun, his eyes always glance to what Souda-kun is doing with Mioda-san because Hinata-kun is looking at Mioda-san."
Once again, a tongue twister.
"Maybe I shouldn't have suggested Mioda-san to bite Hinata-kun's arm that one time" ironically, you laugh remembering that occasion. It was a spurred up suggestion after you toyed with Hinata about him not doing something. It was a blurry memory but the fact still remained. "Maybe I've made Hinata-kun develop a kink towards biting, or rather he being bitten."
Silence surrounded you both.
"After all, Mioda-san is a cheerful girl. Such bright and wonderful hope… it is reasonable for it to attract another splendid hope."
"Komaeda-kun, I—"
"It's alright, Nanami-san. Now I understand everything a little bit better." You stood up, cleaning the sand from your trousers, your skull chain clinging with the movement of your body. A genuine smile appeared on your lips, a bulge growing in your throat. You knew it was selfish of you, from the beginning, wishing for someone's affection. "I'm thankful. I appreciate your intentions of listening to my insecurities. I hope I wasn't too much of a burden, but knowing me, I know these mere thoughts are just garbage. I'm sorry for straining your ears with this matter."
You were jealous of Souda. But now, it turns out that it was all a misunderstanding. It wasn't Souda and his soul friend issue towards Hinata that you should have been jealous about.
It was Mioda.
"Don't punish yourself like that." Nanami said, biting her bottom lip.
You didn't look back. You didn't listen to the words that came out next. You just kept on walking, forgetting everything that just transpired. You'll toss it away, since those feelings are disposable like your existence. Perhaps they were meant to be used for a greater hope. But, how? It was hard letting them go.
"Komaeda!"
And there he was, standing between the ocean and the sunlight.
The worst luck had arrived after, apparently, having Nanami listen to you being the good luck part of your day, even if both of you tried to turn the tables around it and assume it was bad luck.
"Hello there, Hinata-kun. What brings you here?" you asked cheerfully.
"Well, I thought of gathering materials at the beach today. You're also here for that?" he scratched his neck nervously.
"Yes." You lied once again, nodding.
"In any case, I've been worried about you. I haven't seen you in a while during eating hours and when I go to your cabin to check on you, you never answer." He trailed on.
You were probably locked inside the library every single time Hinata went to look for you.
Just your luck.
"Thank you for taking the time of worrying about someone like me. I don't deserve you're kindness to even go to my cabin to search for me." You raised both hands anxiously.
"Stop talking like that, don't you get tired of doing so?"
"Well, garbage like me would never—"
"Hey, it's Hajime-chan!" interrupting with a bright voice, Ibuki Mioda plunged onto Hinata, almost making him fall to the sand. You blinked in amusement, cursing your luck.
Nanami's words echoed through your mind when you saw Hinata's cheeks change their colour towards a slight light pink tone.
"Mioda, please get off me." He pushed her aside gently, Mioda not noticing his change of hue.
"Oh, sorry, Hajime-chan!" she laughed. "Oh! Nagito-chan is also here! Is Ibuki interrupting something? Ibuki should go to keep on gathering seashells for Usami-chan!"
She sprinted happily, without a care in the world. You noticed she was brimming with light and bright colours. You were dull and grey. In Hinata's eyes you could see a hopeful glimmer.
After all, your love was always meant to be unrequited.
"Ah, it seems I shouldn't keep on wasting your precious time, Hinata-kun!"
If sacrificing your feelings meant that Hinata's happiness would grow and make his hope shine brightly, then you would trample all over them as the stepping stone you're destined to be.
"Wha—What do you mean by that?" He stuttered.
"I wonder" You said mockingly. "If you don't hurry up, you will lose sight of her."
"Komaeda, I swear that—!"
"I know that if it's Hinata-kun, you'll be able to achieve it. After all I… I love the hope that sleeps inside of you. That's why I know you'll be capable of it. I know that someone like me isn't worthy of saying such encouraging words."
It was too late to sugarcoat it.
"I don't know what you're talking about but…" Hinata avoided your eyes, his cheeks still a light pink. "Thanks for your words."
He smiled.
He smiled at you.
He didn't notice what you said.
Maybe he didn't quite grasp it.
You were glad, but at the same time, sad.
All that was left was being of help in order to Hinata to be happy. That was your only wish. If Hinata was happy, his hope would light up and shine brightly alongside Mioda's colours.
She was filled with light colours.
You were filled with dull colours.
"I will support you, even if it sounds pretentious of me" you said.
After that, you went together to gather materials, the sunset dying in the horizon. Once Mioda appeared, you pushed Hinata to go. To do his best. You turned around, and looked up the sky once again. It looked like it could start raining at any second, even if there were no clouds covering up the twilight.
Even if the world gets closed up by tears you'll never cry.
Even if you forget about such beautiful scenery of Hinata smiling with Mioda.
You do your very best to keep on walking. After all, those feelings were going to be used in order to create and help Hinata become a greater hope.
It ends here. This unrequited love finally ends.
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I'm so sorry.
Halfway I got inspired by listening to some old songs such as Taisho.A (anNina) and Light colors (Lia). I borrowed the title from there.
I apologize if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes.
English isn't my native language.
Thank you for reading.