The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone digital. Just another mad idea from my mad little mind.
Virtual Fantasy At The Figgis Agency
"How much mail do you have?" Ray asked incredulously. There were piles of mail on the desk of Mallory's office. Lana, Ray and Pam were helping Mallory sort it.
"Too much," Mallory groaned. "That's why I asked you, Lana and the Bearclaw Contessa over here to help me sort it."
"Man, you have a lot of junk mail," Pam looked through several envelopes. "How the hell did you get on the Democratic Party mailing list?"
"There was a time when I did some work for certain people in high places who happened to be Democrats," Mallory explained. "I raised them some money and got a cut but you know those people. Give them a quarter they expect five dollars! Shred it!"
"And this for the Republican party?" Pam asked.
"You get a quarter back after you loan them five dollars," Mallory waved. "Almost the same difference. Shred them too."
"Okey-dokie artichokey!" Pam said as she shredded them using a huge shredder.
"How did you get on a mailing list for an Irish pottery catalog?" Lana looked at another piece of mail.
"Sterling's idea of a joke," Mallory groaned. "Now that I think of it, more than half of this mail is a joke. I could build a damn forest with all the paper they use to send me this garbage!"
"This one looks important," Ray picked up a letter. "It says final notice."
"If only it was," Mallory sighed as she took it. "I've been getting a final notice on this bill for Minkston Department store for five years. And Minkston went out of business three years ago…"
"So, no rush on that," Pam said.
"Not really," Mallory sighed as she crumpled the bill and threw it in the trash.
"Speaking of which," Lana said. "We need to pay the trash bill pretty soon."
"And the electric bill," Ray added. "And the water bill. And a few fines for littering both Pam and Milton racked up."
"Pam, I get," Mallory looked at him. "With those damned flyers. But the toaster…?"
"He got out a few times and left toast all over the sidewalk," Lana sighed. "And caused a few small traffic accidents."
"Speaking of accidents involving traffic," Ray looked at a bill. "There's a past overdue bill here for that tow truck that used to lug Archer's car around. Final notice. For the third time."
"Look I am aware that I have let a few things slide around here," Mallory grumbled. "But I'm here now and we're going to get something done today. Even if it is only going through my mail. Such as it is."
"Yeah well…" Ray picked up a letter from a pile. Did a double take and decided to discretely hide it. "You know, we could go through all this if you want to go back to the hospital…"
"What is it?" Mallory asked in a tired voice. "I see that letter you're trying to hide. You might as well tell me what it is. I'm already depressed and disappointed so I can't get any lower."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Ray winced.
"What is it?" Mallory groaned.
"It's an invitation for something back in New York," Ray coughed. "Doesn't look that important. I'll throw it in the trash."
"Give it," Mallory snarled as she held out her hand.
Ray gave it to her. "Really, it's nothing important."
"Let me be the judge of that," Mallory looked at the invitation. "Oh. Trudy Beekman is getting some kind of stupid award for raising money for shelter dogs. Honestly they will give a trophy for anything these days."
"You're taking this rather well," Pam blinked.
"Yeah, the last time she got a big award you shot up half the furniture in the office," Ray remarked.
"I don't have time to be upset. I just can't deal with that right now," Mallory grumbled as she threw the invitation away. "I have more pressing concerns right here than what useless self-congratulatory trinket Trudy Beekman puts on her fake oak wood shelves!"
"You really are upset," Lana realized.
"And why would that be Lana?" Mallory snapped sarcastically. "I only have a son in a coma. A granddaughter growing up without a father. A pack of persnickety neighbors that make Gladys Kraviz look like a woman who minds her own business. A failing business…"
"As well as a failing marriage," Pam interjected.
"It's not failing! Technically!" Mallory protested.
"Well it's not succeeding," Ray remarked. "It's floundering at best!"
Mallory paused. "I'll give you that one. My point is that I have too much on my plate as it is! I even can't go over my revenge list on people who screwed me over! And I know I'm way behind on that one but I just don't have the time. I'll just have to put Trudy Beekman on the list!"
"I thought she was already on the list," Ray asked.
"Technically Trudy Beekman has her own list of offenses," Mallory admitted. "I just have to write this one down for later. Right now, I need to focus on this agency for a moment. I've had Krieger come up with a few ideas…"
"Schemes," Lana corrected.
"Ideas!" Mallory protested. "To make money. One of which Cyril is overseeing in the bullpen."
"Oh, this should be good," Pam snorted. "I got to see this!" She left the room.
"So do I," Ray admitted.
"Oh what the hell?" Mallory sighed as they all went to the bullpen. "It beats any award show where Trudy Beekman is the winner. Actually, I would like to be on a show where if you win you get to beat Trudy Beekman. With her own damn award."
In the bullpen was Cyril watching Cheryl. Cheryl had a VR helmet and goggles on her head and some VR gloves on her hands. She was standing and feeling around. "Oooh! Pretty!" She twittered.
Meanwhile Krieger was at a small computer that was hooked up to something that looked like a cable box. There were wires everywhere attached to it and strewn all over the floor running to who knows where.
"Watch out for the wires guys!" Cyril called out to the others who were walking in.
"What the…?" Pam stopped herself before she could trip. "There are more wires here than behind my Dad's cable box!"
"What's with the Ava-Tart over here?" Ray pointed to Cheryl.
"Krieger came up with his own version of virtual reality goggles," Cyril said. "Apparently this version also uses a person's brainwaves to enhance the experience."
"Hang on," Lana blinked. "Isn't there a chance that Krieger's machine could mess up someone's brain?"
"That's why we're letting Cheryl test it," Cyril explained.
"Oh yeah," Ray realized.
"Can't do any more damage than what she's already done to herself," Lana agreed.
"Still…" Pam frowned. "You think it's a good idea to test a virtual reality machine on somebody who barely knows what reality is?"
"I heard that ostrich!" Cheryl snapped. "Boy you sound a lot like Pam!"
"Honestly if it will make us money I will try anything once," Mallory remarked. "Pam if you insert a tasteless prostitution joke in there so help me…"
"Hey!" Pam snapped. "Sometimes I do classy prostitution jokes!"
"When?" Ray asked.
"That's why we're trying another tactic…" Mallory sighed. "Now have any of you heard of coins?"
"Yes," Cyril nodded. "Why are you…Oh no…"
"You mean that fake money cooked up by computers?" Pam asked. "That's like money you earn in video games only you can supposedly use it to buy crap in real life?"
"Exactly," Mallory nodded.
"Aren't they called B-coins?" Ray asked.
"Not in this reality," Cheryl remarked.
"Do you know any kind of reality?" Ray asked.
"That's my other project I'm working on," Krieger grinned. "Gonna be working those data mines so we will be rich!"
"How many get rich quick schemes are you trying to fit in today?" Lana asked.
"As many as it takes to get this business off the ground!" Mallory snapped. "I have to deal with Sterling! I can't be here all the time!"
"Thank God for small miracles," Ray muttered.
"Thank God I have bigger problems to deal with than your snarkiness," Mallory snapped at him. "I can't even bring myself to insult you properly with a scathing homophobic remark! That's another thing I have to put on my list!"
"Wow," Lana was stunned. "You must be upset."
"Again," Mallory glared at her. "Son in coma. Family in crisis. Failing business that is losing more money than Charlie Sheen on a bender in Vegas. Try to keep up, will you?"
"Hang on," Lana realized something. "Doesn't making a single coin take up a lot of power?"
"Oh man," Pam groaned. "Do we have to move all those computers and processors from Krieger's lab back up here again?"
"No, Krieger found a way around it," Cyril explained.
"This time I figured out a way to hook up all the computers using a single server," Krieger waved. "So we don't have to move them all around. All I have to do is push this button here and we will have all the power we need to mine our own coins!"
"And since one coin can go for thousands of dollars…" Cyril said. "Give or take how much the market for them is going…"
"I can literally make millions overnight," Krieger grinned.
"Which will make the agency not only financially solvent," Mallory added. "We can stop all this detective nonsense and make real money!"
"Hang on again," Lana said. "I have a few questions and concerns."
"And by a few," Cyril sighed. "You mean at least a dozen."
"I know right?" Mallory groaned.
"Here butterfly!" Cheryl squealed. "Oh, your wings are such a lovely blaze of fire!"
"You mean they look like the color of fire," Pam blinked.
"No, I mean they're made of fire!" Cheryl giggled. "Best reality ever!"
"Ignore the Human Scorch," Cyril groaned.
"I was planning to," Lana sighed. "But don't you have to write a super complicated code to mine coins?"
"Lana, I already had the basics with my Kriegerands program," Krieger waved. "Just a few extra lines of code and easy peasy lemon squeezy!"
"The man has created cyborgs and lifelike robots Lana," Cyril said. "Not to mention a living hologram. I'm pretty sure he can handle making virtual money."
"Which leads me to my next question," Lana sighed. "Krieger? Really? You're going to trust Krieger to make coins?"
"That's why I had Cyril supervise him," Mallory said.
"Oooh! The colors! The colors!" Cheryl walked around.
She almost walked into a table. "Watch it…" Cyril directed her away from the table before she could fall.
"And Carol," Mallory sighed.
"As our only paying client," Cyril remarked. "Somebody has to make sure she doesn't get hurt. Well more than usual."
"Here's my third question," Lana added.
"Who are you? Alex Trebek?" Mallory asked.
"Let's say for example Krieger actually creates coins," Lana went on. "How would we use them?"
"Obviously like regular money only…" Pam paused. "Hang on. How do coins work?"
"Like regular money I guess," Krieger shrugged.
"Can you use it in a store?" Mallory asked. "Because I saw some lovely things at Nieman Marcus the other day…"
"You can't use coins at Nieman Marcus!" Lana snapped. "Can you?"
"I know some online stores can use them," Cyril blinked. "A lot of people just use them for investments."
"Yes, but do we get a payout?" Lana asked. "Will we actually be able to trade the digital currency for regular ones?"
"Maybe?" Krieger blinked.
"Thought this through have you?" Ray quipped.
"Guys it's cool," Cheryl spoke up. "Pay Pal now accepts coins and you can use that to buy pretty much anything online! Now shut up and let me get back to my nice happy forest fire!"
"Hang on," Ray blinked. "Cheryl you don't know what well…pretty much anything is but you know about coins?"
"Duh!" Cheryl scoffed. "And I am not just saying that because I have a habit of it. I really do know about coins."
"I have to ask," Pam sighed. "Cheryl exactly how do you know about coins?"
"I'm online friends with Satoshi Nakamoto," Cheryl said. "We play Animal Crossing every now and then. And Words with Friends."
"But that's not even a real…" Cyril began.
"Just let it go Cyril," Ray sighed.
"But…" Cyril began.
"Let it go," Ray sighed.
"Like a drunk trapeze artist," Pam added.
"Okay I think we're ready to go here," Krieger said as he finished up his preparations.
"Hang on again," Lana said. "Seriously Mallory? Krieger?"
"It's going to be fine Lana!" Mallory told her.
"You say that but history has proven you wrong before," Lana remarked. "Many, many times."
"Too many times," Ray looked around. "There are an awful lot of wires around here. Are you sure you know what you're doing Krieger?"
"Duh!" Krieger said. He then pushed the button to activate the program. "Project Krieger's Millions is a go!"
BZZZZZZZZ!
WHRRRRRR!
Then the lights started to flicker. Sparks flew from the computer and small box then all the lights went out.
"I think Krieger's Millions has just gone," Ray quipped.
"Uh oh…" Krieger blinked. "I think I might have overdone it."
"What now?" Mallory groaned.
"We're out of power," Krieger told her.
"From the looks of things, the entire neighborhood is out of power," Pam looked out the window.
"You blacked out our entire block?" Lana asked.
CRASH! SMASH!
HONK! HONK!
"Including some traffic lights," Pam looked out the window. "Yup that's a fender bender all right."
CRASH!
"Now it's a three-car pileup," Pam said. "But it's okay no one is hurt."
"Yet," Mallory glared at Krieger.
"Krieger can you get the power back on?" Lana asked.
HONK!
CRASH!
"Maybe?" Krieger gulped.
"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.
"Okay fine!" Krieger pulled out his phone and turned it on with the lights. "I'll go check the circuit breakers! BRB!" He went out of the room.
"Good thing it's daytime," Pam looked out the window. "And we can see."
"I can see there's a commotion at the bank across the street," Ray noticed something.
"Well when the power went out so did the ability for people to access their money," Pam realized. "Or cash checks…Not everybody uses their phones."
"Like that old woman smacking that ATM machine with her cane," Ray pointed.
"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Wow that old gal is putting some dents in that baby! Must have some upper arm strength."
"You were saying?" Lana gave Mallory a look.
"Shut up," Mallory glared at her.
"So the score now is History 347," Lana went on. "Mallory zero."
"And she still keeps talking," Mallory grumbled. "Even though I very clearly told her to shut up!"
"And I clearly told you this was a mistake!" Lana snapped.
"We are so going to get fined for this," Cyril groaned. "There goes the budget!"
"Guys this virtual reality stuff is so cool!" Cheryl giggled.
"Hang on," Lana realized something. "How is that still working when the power is out? Isn't that thing hooked up to a power source?"
"Let me see that," Cyril took the helmet off of Cheryl's head.
"Hey!" Chery snapped. "I was watching that!"
"THIS DAMN THING ISN'T EVEN TURNED ON!" Cyril shouted.
"I was supposed to turn it on?" Cheryl blinked.
"Should have known," Pam realized. "Cheryl practically lives in Imagination Land. How would she know what reality is in the first place?"
"I should have known better," Mallory groaned. "If expecting Krieger to solve our cash problems isn't a fantasy I don't know what is!"