A/N: This is written in short scenes in chronological order. And before anyone asks, yes, Naruto is wearing Crocs. Bright green Crocs. Also, some relevant info for this story (as I don't think it'll go past the chunin exams): both Kushina and Minato are alive, Rin is alive, everyone knows Obito is alive and is reluctantly working for Madara and making half-assed attempts to capture Bijuu while attending regular dinners in Konoha with his team, the Akatsuki are just mercs for hire, and this is a non-massacre fic.

Anyway, Naruto was raised by a rich family in our world. That's right, Naruto's a rich kid who makes far, far too many sexual innuendos. Enjoy.

Minato Namikaze was sitting in his office, doing some paperwork, when the boy burst out of nowhere and slammed into him. The boy groaned and staggered back, hand pressing against his forehead, eyes squeezed shut in pain. Minato let his gaze rove over the boy, taking in his tanned skin, wild blond hair, and his clothes: an expensive looking blue tracksuit top and orange slacks, alongside an odd pair of bright green sandals. Really, why bright green? And the many holes in the top, that couldn't be practical. The boy groaned again.

"Dattebayo, who invented bloody rollercoasters?" He grumbled, opening his eyes, revealing a bright blue. He blinked and looked around. "Wait, where the hell am I?" He looked to Minato, who was staring at him. "Who are you?" Minato narrowed his eyes.

"Who are you, boy?" The boy grinned, and Minato caught sight of three distinct whisker marks on each of his cheeks. Marks that he'd last seen twelve years ago, on his son, his baby boy Naru-

"My name's Naruto, Naruto Noble!" Minato's brain stalled.

"You're my son, according to this blood test, so your last name's Namikaze."

"No I'm not and no, my last name's Noble!"

"It's Namikaze!"

"It's Noble!"

"Namikaze!"

"NOBLE!"

"Who's the hot chick with the flaming red hair?" Naruto asked, grinning slyly, almost leering, at Kushina, who was walking towards them, a young, orange-haired boy at her heels. Minato choked.

"That's your mother!"

"WHAT?!"

The orange-haired eight year old scrunched up his nose, his violet eyes narrowing and the two odd whisker-like marks on his face moving with the motion. Naruto raised a brow and, turning to his new-found biological father, gestured to the boy.

"Who's the brat?" Minato smiled and patted the orange-haired boy's head.

"This is your brother, Menma." Naruto blinked.

"That's a stupid name." Menma glared.

"Your name's stupid!"

The first thing Naruto Noble (he'd refused to go by Namikaze) said to his Academy class was, after an entire minute of silence,

"Who's that cutie-patootie with the pink hair down to her booty?" Every head in the class swiveled to the blushing pink-haired girl. Iruka sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait a bloody minute!" Naruto shouted, interrupting Iruka's lecture on the more practical uses of the Clone Jutsu. "You're all ninjas with fucking superpowers?!"

"HOLY SHIT I'M A NINJA!" Naruto shouted, as he hopped across rooftops, having just acessed his chakra for the first time. "HOLY FUCK I HAVE SUPERPOWERS!"

"Clone Jutsu!" Naruto placed his hands into the required seals, and a puff of smoke appeared next to him. It cleared after a moment, revealing a horrifically useless clone that seemed to be melting. Naruto blinked at it. He scowled down at his hands. "That was terrible. I suck! I never suck!" Kushina, who had been struggling not to burst out laughing, approached.

"Just," She giggled, repositioning his hands, correcting his ram seal. "just use a bit more chakra and picture more than one clone." Naruto frowned and summoned up as much chakra as he could. Kushina's eyes widened. "No, wait, that's too mu-"

"CLONE JUTSU!"

"He used about a tails worth of chakra, there were thousands of him."

"So he-"

"Yeah."

"And they're-"

"Real bodies. He figured out the Shadow Clone Jutsu without even trying."

"...great."

"To graduate, you simply need to show us you can preform the Clone Jutsu." Iruka said, shuffling a set of papers. Naruto beamed widely at him.

"I just mastered that technique last night! Watch!" He pressed his hands together in what looked like a ram seal, and charged up as much chakra as he could.

"Wait, Naruto, wait! That's too much-"

"CLONE JUTSU!"

"So, like, I passed." Naruto said. Minato sighed and glanced out his window.

"I've noticed." The entirety of Konoha was covered in blond haired, blue-and-orange wearing boys.

"Next, Team Seven! Naruto Noble!" Naruto perked up. "Sakura Haruno!" He grinned at the pink-haired girl. "and Sasuke Uchiha!" He whooped in joy.

"Yeah! I get both the hottest chick and the sexiest dude!"

"So, ah, Sasuke, was it?" Naruto asked, sliding over a few seats to sit beside his new teammate.

"Hn."

"Imma take that as a yes." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you, uh, wanna go get some lunch? Together?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"...as teammates?" He asked and Naruto shrugged.

"Sure, whatever floats ya boat."

"Whatever floats my boat? I don't own a boat."

"It's a figure of speech."

Kakashi sat on the railing of the roof, watching his new students curiously. The girl of the team sat between her two teammates, and seemed to be holding in giggles. The Uchiha was glaring at the ground, cheeks flushed red. His sensei's long-lost son was smirking and brushing imaginary lint off his shoulders.

"Alright," Kakashi started, drawing the Genin's attention. "introduce yourselves."

"You can go first, old man." His sensei's son said and Kakashi felt his eye twitch.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake. My likes are a little too mature for you right now, and I have many things I dislike. I also have dreams. Almost every night. You, Uchiha, go first." Sasuke straightened.

"I am Sasuke Uchiha. I like my brother and my clan. I dislike a lot of things. My dream for the future is to surpass my brother."

"Cool. Pinkie, your turn."

"My name's Sakura Haruno. I like..." She glanced between the two boys. "err, I mean, well," She blushed. "I hate my rival, Ino! And my dream for the future is, uh," She once again glanced between the two boys and fidgeted. "...yeah."

"O...kay...? Blondie, go!"

"Naruto Noble's the name and being sexy is the game." He winked at Sasuke, who's cheeks reddened further. "I like many things including, but not limited to, the Internet, my smart phone, Sakura here," A wink was thrown at the girl this time. "Sasuke there," Another wink at Sasuke. "my brother Menma, and ramen. I dislike people who keep calling me by Namikaze, the fact that there's no WiFi here, and I hate rollercoasters with a passion. My dream is to find an appropriate outlet so I can charge my phone. I haven't played Candy Crush in two days, and I haven't checked my messages in three. My other parents are probably worried sick."

"I... see." Kakashi said, eye twitching. 'What is a "smart phone" and a "Candy Crush"?'

"Well, not to say this isn't kinky," Naruto started, straining a bit against the ropes tying him to the log, and Kakashi choked on air. "but I don't like you like that." He turned to Sakura. "You can tie me up whenever you want, Sakura." He paused and looked to Sasuke. "You too, Sasuke." He added as an afterthought.

"Sensei..." Kakashi started, his visible eye narrowing at the amused blond man. "Your son is an absolute devil."

"I've noticed."

"No. I mean it. He's evil."

"I've noticed."

"This is not a job for a ninja." Naruto grumbled, scowling at the weeds before him.

"It's a D-Rank mission, it's what all Genin do." Kakashi said, flipping a page in his book.

"Look, Kaka-dude, I've never had to do anything like this in my life." Naruto said. "My other parents paid people to do all this shit for me."

A paint-splattered Kakashi leaned forward on the Hokage's desk, his eye narrowing at his sensei. Minato bit his lip to supress his laughter.

"Minato-sensei, I demand a C-Rank mission. Naruto is a complete ass-"

"That's my son, Kakashi."

"HE'S A COMPLETE DEVIL CHILD!" Naruto, who was standing a few feet behind Kakashi with his team frowned.

"I can hear you, dattebayo."

"Oh great," Naruto started, as the drunken bridge builder stepped into the room. "Our first real mission is to protect a drunk." The drunk glared at the three Genin.

"Th-Thish ish mah proteshion?" He slurred, nearly incomprehensibly. Minato nodded happily.

"Yes, don't worry, Kakashi-kun here is a Jounin and one of the kids is my son!" The drunk scoffed.

"Sho? He prob-ly shucks assh." Naruto raised a brow and turned to Sasuke.

"How'd he know that?" He stage-whispered and Sasuke blushed bright red, Sakura as well. Kakashi sighed.

"Dammit Naruto."