Title: Changes

Disclaimer: I do not own ER!!

Spoilers for "Now What?"

Summary: This is an Abby point of view post episode series, beginning with "Now What?"

Author's Note: Kenziegal, Sunni and Taylor Wise. You did such a great job doing the season 9 post episode series; I hope I can do half as well as you did.

Chapter 1:

I waited until I heard the door closed behind him before I got out of bed.  I saw the key lying in the drawer, where he had left it just a few seconds ago.

Can I have my key back, please?

I never planned on asking for my keys back, but I was just so upset at him for leaving like that two weeks ago. Would I have known that he was leaving for Africa if I didn't bumped into him that night?

What did he expect me to do, welcome him back, and just expect everything that would be okay between us, like nothing had happened before he left? That there wasn't a strain in our relationship and that we didn't talk to each other for a week before he left for Africa? Two weeks isn't going to make anything better, it will take more than that.

**

I was at the admitting desk when he came up to me; there was this awkward silence between us that has never been there before. I saw Susan looking at me, silently telling me to talk to Carter, but I didn't know what to say to him.

I saw him walking away; and I started to walk away too, but he turned, bumping into me. 

"Hey," I said shyly.

"Hey, you want to... get a cup of coffee? "he said.   I nodded.

 However, when we walked outside, the silence was still there between us, until Carter started the conversation.

"I guess we won't be going to Doc Maggos for coffee, I forgot that it wasn't here anymore, so much has change since I left, " he said, sadly. 

I didn't know if he meant the ER or us. 

"How have you been?" he asked me.

"Good," I said, instead of saying that I was worried about him for the last two weeks.

"The ER is definitely different, I got a surprise when I returned and I didn't know where the lounge was… I was only gone for two weeks, right?" he laughed. I smiled at him; maybe everything was going to be okay with us.

 "So how was it?" I said.

"It was incredible. And it was terrible. It was... It was kids with polio. It was kids dying from malnutrition, and malaria, and whooping cough. And it was beautiful. I mean, the country's beautiful. Hospital doesn't have enough staff, so the patients', uh, family members, then stay with them. They cook for them, they clean for them, they even, uh, change the sheets. It was a life-changing experience. I just don't know how yet."

I looked at him, wondering what else had happened in Africa. What did he experience there? But I knew right now wasn't the time to ask.

 "Where's Luka?"

 Why did I ask my boyfriend about my ex-boyfriend? Maybe because that is the easier thing to talk about it..then ask about what happened in Africa or our relationship

 "Is what this is about?" he asked.

Did he really think this was just about Luka, doesn't he realize that I thought of him when he was in Africa? Maybe I didn't show it to him when he returned home, but I didn't expect to wake up and see him sitting there in front of me. Maybe I could handle it better, but I don't think before I speak.

"No," I said. 

" Luka is fine.. more than fine"

"What does that mean?" I asked. I didn't understand what was he saying is he still jealous of Luka? We have been in a relationship for a year; does he still think that I still love Luka?

 "You know we don't talk?"

"Aren't we talking right now?" he said.

We used to talk about everything. We knew how the other one thought and feel, even before the other one did. But ever since his grandmother's funeral, we lost that touch that we have with each other. Will we ever get back?

"Your mouth is moving. I mean, you give the impression that we're having a real conversation, but when you finish, I have no idea what you're thinking."

 He looked at me liked he understood what I was saying. "We were talking about Africa?"

I nodded.   "I don't know. You know I didn't want you to go and you went anyway. What, were you trying to hurt me?"

"No, why would I hurt you?" he said.

"I don't know. I don't know. Why *would* you want to hurt me?"

 Because I hurt you when I left to find my brother instead of being with you when you needed me the most, or when my brother ruined your grandmother's funeral, or when I put my family first before you?

That it's always my family before you... And you got tired of it?


"It wasn't about you. "he said, but I knew that somehow it was.

"Oh, come on! You weren't even going to tell me you were going! If I hadn't bumped into you when you were leaving, I wouldn't have even known. "

It was a stupid question, but I don't know how what he is thinking anymore, I needed to know… exactly what he is feeling, and right now, I have no clue.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wanted to feel like I was really doing something. "he said.

Does he not realize what he does here… He is one of the best doctors here… He does so much good, he doesn't need to go to Africa to do that… but I can't tell him that. I could before, but not anymore.

I had to ask the question that I wanted to know ever since he left.  "Did you even think about me? " He said yes, but he couldn't tell me what he thought about me.

 I started walk away from him. We weren't going anywhere with the conversation. I don't know anymore than I knew before.

"Okay. Walk away, Abby. That's what you do best," he said.  I don't know if he was trying to annoy me, but he did. I was going to go back inside, but I had to turn around.

"You know what you do best; always make this about my problems… But you have big problems too." 

 Chuny come up to me, and I knew by the look on her face that something was wrong. She told me about Luka. This can't be happening, he can't be gone. I don't know what Carter was shouting at me about, but I looked at him, and I didn't have to say anything, he just knew.

What upset me the most was that that call could have easily been about Carter, not Luka. But it won't be because Carter is here safe and sound. I might be mad at him, but at least I know he is alive.

**

Later that night…

I walked into my bedroom and saw the key lying where I left it before I went to work.  I picked it up… I remember the day that I gave the key to Carter; I never thought I would get back… I always thought we would be together forever.

But he is gone… back to Africa.

"John. Please. Please just stay. I can't keep doing this!""

I told him not to go, I was so afraid for him. It took a lot for me to say that to him, I am so used to people leaving me. my father, Eric. I already lost Luka. I don't want to lose Carter. Wwhy couldn't he at least wait until it was a little safer for him to go?

I was sitting on the bed when I felt something at my feet. I looked down and saw that it was a picture of me and John at Susan's Christmas party.  I must have dropped it on the floor when I was trying to find pictures to give back to Carter.

Happier times. What I would do to go back to those times.  We are in the same situation that we were in two weeks ago. Nothing has changed. He left again without a proper goodbye.

I understand that he thinks he shouldn't have left Luka there, but what makes him think that he is going be fine, and nothing is going to happen to him?

I picked up the picture of me and Carter, smiling. It was good while it lasted. Somehow I just know that it's never going to be the same between us.

I picked up the photo, and threw it in the trash can, there was no use keeping it… the happier times are over.. and might never come back!!!

Author's Note: I would like to thank Kenziegal and Lanie for answering my questions, and I would also like to thank for Lanie for editing this for me.. in such short notice.  It means so much to me.. thanks!!!

I also like to thank Manda for listening me go on and on about the story!!!