Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT.
Song for this Fic: We Found Love as performed by Glee Cast (liked their rendition)
Leo and his brothers are 31 years old. Tony is 37.
**Warning** This fic contains something that may be disturbing to some. Please if you choose to read do not flame this fic but rather comment concerning the quality of the writing.**
****PROLOGUE STORY****
Intended as a Prologue for What We Hide, Learning a New Dance,Contemplation, Never Say Never,What is Love?, Heart Beats, One Word Can Change the World, and What We Hide II: Secrets Don't Make Friendsso this may be read either before or after the afore mentioned stories.
A Father's Lament
Splinter's POV
As Leonardo kneels before me and trembles after making his confession my heart is frozen in my chest.
My son.
My eldest, has just confessed a secret that he has kept from me for many years.
The single most open child among my sons has held a secret this shocking for so long that part of me dares not trust him.
How could he not tell me sooner?
How could he not express his confession and fear to me before now?
Part of me recoils from him knowing what I know now about my eldest.
My son has confessed his sexuality to me and has asked me for advice on how to behave.
Part of me would send him away in shame from his lack of communication on this, but I am not ashamed of him, himself.
Then I feel a flicker of fear for my son and sigh softly before looking him in the eye.
How would my son handle being rejected by his brothers? I fear his heart would shatter and his confidence crumble.
Leonardo is by far the hardest working of my sons with the most drive to achieve my approval.
If he is ever to face the truth of himself he must build up a tougher skin and sadly I must be the one to force him to get it.
Even if it destroys his trust in me.
"Leonardo, I would have to pack your things and leave by morning to a place I will think on as you prepare," I state stiffly, "I would have you think on this and made a decision on what you choose to be."
He jerks as if slapped and I see the confusion and raw pain cross his gaze for the briefest moment.
In that second my heart fragments as I see my son's heart break and then watch him nod mutely before getting up and walking out.
Oh my son, how cruel I must seem in this, but if nothing else you will be stronger in the end, of that I am certain.
I follow him to the docks and see him off, though he doesn't see me.
Be strong my son, you can face this.
Over the next six months we keep in touch, but it is simply notes as to his progress and my answering his questions about his brothers.
Then with pain in my heart I tell him must stay away longer, I strip him of his title and name and pray that my son's heart recovers enough to reply.
It is months before I hear of him again and I fear the worst, then one evening he is standing in front of me looking lean and stronger than I have ever seen him.
His eyes hold a hardness and a sense of suspicion that he would've never dared to express to me before.
It is then that I know my plan is working. My son is growing stronger in mind and is more prepared for rejection when the time comes to inform his brothers.
Oh Leonardo, I hope you will someday forgive me for this.
My hope is that my suspicions about his brother's being accepting are true otherwise I fear their rejection along with my apparent one will destroy my eldest.
His is a strong young man, but some hearts can only take so much.
Over the next few weeks I watch him carefully and notice something that disturbs me.
He is not participating with his brothers but standing back, shoulders hunched. Every time one of them approaches he tenses and remains aloof.
My heart breaks, inadvertently I have caused him not to trust his family.
This was not my intention and I am immediately concerned. I must speak with him.
After his injuries from the winter's incident have healed weeks later I call him to my quarters and watch as he settles into a hunched, protective, kneeling posture.
His mannerisms are stiff and formal, his speech even more so addressing me with the formal word for 'master' and not addressing me as father in any way.
Normally in my private conversations Leonardo would become less formal and more open.
I fear now that my judgment about my son's toughening skin is false.
Have I done more damage than I have intended? Has his skin grown thinner not thicker?
I fear I have made a critical mistake.
"Leonardo, I am pleased to see that you have come home and that you have come to a decision about yourself," I say softly, hoping to elicit a response.
Leonardo briefly meets my gaze and I see a flicker of fear before his eyes again become stern and secretive.
"I have chosen to be what I am Sensei," he states softly.
Though pleased that he has accepted himself I am startled and slip the pot of tea I was lifting to fill his cup slipping from my fingers for a mere moment.
That moment is enough to destroy everything.
As I snatch to catch the pot and Leonardo flinches back my heart shatters as the pot breaks over his right temple, scalding his whole right side.
He makes a startled and half strangled scream of pain and jerks to his feet before I can soothe him.
He jerks to his feet and stumbles back clutching the side of his face, tripping over my walking stick and landing sharply.
I stumble over him in my haste to check the burns and he recoils as if I slapped him.
I reach for his face and he yelps as my nails scrape his face before jerking to his feet and twisting away.
"Leonardo!" I order as he pulls away from me, desperate to catch his attention, "my son!"
He's gone, bolting clean from my rooms like a hound from hell.
Oh my son…curse my unsteady hands.
He returns two days later, stitches across his right eye ridge from the broken porcelain of the tea pot cutting him and a much more wary posture.
He avoids me and speaks only when necessary to me in extremely formal tones.
I have ruined everything. I sigh as I watch him over the next few years. Age has caught up with me but I can still sneak about.
I watch his partner with careful eyes one night after following Leonardo to the other man's home and smile as Antonio showers my son's shattered heart with love and support.
This young man is far better at giving my son confidence than my harsh measures ever could have done.
My heart aches as I learn how depressed and alone my eldest feels in his home.
My poor son, I am so sorry.
Over my last few years I am careful in my attempts to regain Leonardo's trust, gently greeting him each morning and carefully inviting him to talk.
Many times he is very formal and standoffish but slowly he begins to take me up on my quiet talks.
As I feel death approaching I pull out a sheet of paper and quietly begin to write.
Leonardo,
There are no words to describe my sorrow for what I have put you through. In the end I hope that you have at least achieved what I sought to do. In truth I never wished to hurt you but only to give you a chance to prepare your heart and mind for the possibility of rejection from your brothers or even April and Casey. I know now that my methods would have never achieved what I sought, to toughen your skin. I only sought to prepare you for the worst.
Understand that I love you as only a father could and wish you only happiness. It is my greatest lament that I was not the father you needed but the father who made the wrong choice. I hope that someday you can forgive me for all that I have done. Antonio is a wonderful young man that I hope will continue to treat you well and stand up for you in the years to come. You have my blessings to be together.
My son, may peace go with you,
Your father, Splinter
It is a few more days before my time comes and in that dying moment I wrap my fingers around Leonardo's trembling fingers and manage a weak smile. As tears spill down his cheeks I can only hope he finds my letter and that he forgives an old rat's mistake.
This is my greatest lament, that my eldest child will watch me die and believe that I never loved him after the day that changed his life.
Know my son, that I have always loved you.
A/N: A Unique glance at what was going on in the mind of Splinter prior to the start of What We Hide. Let me know your thoughts.