Alternate title: Kei Is a Tiny Angst-Muffin
Because Kei is, and I made such an observation to a friend while I was debating on the title for this story, which was originally written as part of a challenge set for the prompt 'Soul'.
Kei closed his eyes against the dim light of the room, feeling the cool metal pressing against his face, tight straps snug against his skin and pulling at his shaggy, tangled hair.
The discomfort of being bound as he was faded to insignificance next to the sickness he knew would come soon enough - he already hadn't fed since before he had allowed himself to be captured, and that was weeks past.
Kei swallowed, guilt pricking at him. It had been bad enough - more than bad enough - to just leave . . . he'd fled after Toshi's death, and while at the time it had seemed-
Sho would not have blamed Kei, though. He should, by all rights, he should be furious with Kei for causing his best friend's death, for creating such a mess, but Kei knew Sho would not have seen it that way. Would only have raged at the men who had brought their skirmishes to the level of a feud - and then sent it into a public park.
Kei whined softly. Sho would probably have demanded that they hunt down the men responsible for that shooting, as quickly as possible, even while he grieved for Toshi. Because of his grieving.
Another pang of guilt. Sho had been used to having Kei to turn to when he needed, for whatever he needed, whether it be to cry or to rage, and Kei could take it - would, easily, and be glad of it, he loved his little one so.
Who would have comforted Sho's grief for Toshi? Yi-Che?
Kei flinched at the thought of Sho's tears turning to anger, as they so often did, and spilling over around Yi-Che. Sho was careful and quiet around her as he was for no one else, to a degree that had almost surprised even Kei, who knew him best, but for this. . .
Another thought twisted Kei's cold heart until he wanted to howl.
Sho. . . Would Sho not have gone hunting for the men who had caused Toshi's death, in his eyes, whether or not he had Kei at his back, watching over him - keeping him as safe as possible, when he insisted on wandering into shootouts?
Kei whimpered softly to himself. Sho would have gone, possibly even with Toshi's blood still on his hands. Kei could see him now, screaming accusations and threats, walking straight into his own death demanding revenge for Toshi's.
Dying alone and coughing on his own blood, perhaps, or - better, though not by much - quickly, a shot between his gorgeous eyes. . . Sho still fighting even as he felt death coming up over him. . .
Sho was always so stubborn, with an unquenchably-bright soul, for all the dark paths he had treaded in his life - including one only half-shaded, where he had found a suicidal vampire and picked him up, trying to take care of him - and all the things, the people, that had tried to bring him down.
Kei could picture that soul-brightness slipping from Sho's eyes, leaving them flat and cold, as they had never been in his life. Kei wanted to cry, to sob, to run and find his little one and throw himself to his knees before Sho and cling to him and keep him safe forever. . .
Kei didn't need to tally how long it had been since he had left Sho screaming for him so desperately in the park. He knew.
His chest fluttered weakly, though his body was not quite able to produce tears as he whined quietly. Sho would already have gone after them, already been driven to it by Toshi's death and Kei's betrayal, leaving him like that.
He had sworn, when Sho was only just his height, not yet growing into the man he had been when Kei had last seen him, never to leave without saying goodbye. Sho had been terrified that he would disappear, and while Kei had not been able to promise never to leave, couldn't have brought himself to, for that promise he had found himself willing.
And now he had broken it, and abandoned Sho, betrayed his trust and left him to grieve and hunt and die alone.
Where was that bright soul now? Walking in the afterlife, relieved of his cares and the weight of Mallepa's troubles that he had always tried, however foolishly, to shoulder, feeling as though he should be able to avert them?
Perhaps he had already chosen to be reborn, to walk this world again, that brightness once again gifted to those who would share in Sho's next life.
Kei shuddered. It was selfish of him, but he didn't want Sho's soul to be reborn into someone new, whoever they were, and whatever good they might do for the world - Sho would always be the kind of person who tried to improve things, even if his methods were sometimes odd, and even if he tried to say he was not.
Kei wanted Sho. His Sho, his little one, who he had held and protected and cared for as best he could for years, allowing that bright little soul to claim whatever was left of his heart before he had even realised it.
Kei's heart twisted again, knowing- Knowing that was beyond his reach, now, that Sho was beyond his reach, and worse . . . Sho's fate would have been laid at Kei's feet, whatever end he had met.
If Kei had been at his side he could at least have held Sho back for a time, and he would have- Would have done anything to protect his little one, if he had been there.
If Kei had been at his side, then the death that he had already taunted and escaped so many times would have passed him by again, if Kei had to drag him away from it by force of will.
Instead, Kei had fled, surrendering to his own weakness, and Sho had stood alone.
Kei found that his body could manage crying after all, and surrendered to the silent, shaking pain of his grief as his tears slid down his face, catching on stiff leather and metal and sneaking into his hair.