TITLE: Glass Waltz
AUTHOR: Brittany "Thespis" Frederick
E-MAIL: baltimorelt@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Vignette, Post-Ep, Doggett/Other
SPOILERS: For the 1/6/02 episode
SUMMARY: Waltzing on glass is no way to survive.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was inspired by Scully's experience
in the 1/6/02 episode and wondered what would happen
if the Scully/Mulder dynamic (in other words, the
separation) had happened to Stark and Doggett. This is
a speculation on that, told from Stark's point of
view. The title song belongs to Vertical Horizon, and
fits perfectly. Lyrics quoted in here, and imagine it
as background music to all these thoughts.
I'm scared, John. Can you tell?
I hear her cry, soft tears over the corpse, soft tears
of disbelief, soft tears of true love, and a shudder
passes down my spine. "Mulder," she repeats a couple
times more. Dana is stronger than me, and she always
has been. And she thinks of the night train escaping
and she falters, fails. Standing on the platform while
Monica comforts her and the bystanders look on and you
talk to the police officer down on the tracks, I feel
cold inside, and I falter, I fail. I start to cry. For
who, I don't really know.
I'm so afraid, my friend. Help me.
Mulder was a good agent and a better friend. For all
his fallacies and faults, he was there when I needed
him. When you were trapped with Leyla Harrison, Scully
called him right before she called me. She knew Mulder
would be the strong person I needed by my side when
you were beyond my reach. And he was every ounce of
that. He never questioned me, not when I trusted your
voice in my mind, not when I claimed to have
experienced that extreme possibility. When I cried,
when I raged, when I tore inside, he picked up the
pieces. When I think of him now, I remember him
standing there in the FBI field jacket with the smile
on his face as he embraced me and then let me go to
you, because he knew the feeling. He knew the feeling,
John, because he still has it deep inside.
What we saw in them, we know we now hold in ourselves.
We both know it, and that is why we hold on, as
desperately and perhaps recklessly as Dana, shuddering
with her own loss, staying true to Mulder by memory
only.
We can quote chapter and verse on the saga of Mulder
and Scully, especially you, especially through the
manhunt for him. You saw firsthand how hard that was
for her, and this must be infinitely harder. It's one
thing to look for something you don't have that you
know you can find, and another to look for something
you know you have that you know you can't possess. And
we know that our seven years isn't much different than
theirs. No, I'm not the mother of your son, and no, we
never crossed this line, but yes, we do love each
other just the same.
I need you to hold me before I shatter completely.
How can she manage this painful separation, this
midnight lunge for mysterious trains? Dana Scully is a
stronger woman than I will ever be, and she relies on
every portion of her strength to survive. But this
kind of suffering, this violent separation from a man
she knows and loves, her child's father, her one and
only, I can not even begin to label with a degree of
agony. No such label high enough exists. But watch
her. All the things she doesn't know, all the things
she won't tell, the carrying of secrets and lies, the
broken voice in corridor conversations. If it occurred
to me that you might someday join Mulder as a distant
spirit beyond my immediate reach, I don't know how I
would be in enough pieces for you ever to come home
to.
Never seeing you again, knowing you're not safe in my
life, I couldn't handle. Shadows and secrecy and only
the dream of you is not enough, not anymore. We're too
closely bonded, you and I, seven years compounded into
a continual existence. I can't do this alone, John. I
can't do this without you.
If we are them inside, will it happen to us?
Would these drastic measures someday become required
of us like they are of Dana and Mulder? You
disappearing from all known existence, will it come to
that? For this moment, I forget how it will affect
Monica, who cares for you deeply, too. Just you and I
considered here, I analyze the e-mail contact, the
world between them, the high scales and heartbreaking
silence. You see, I can't do that. I'm too dependent
on you, John. I need you, and I'm not afraid to admit
it. Not calling this forever would make me less than
zero. It takes strength Dana has that I don't.
Because I've come to need, rely on all that you are,
strengths and weaknesses, small points and larger
ones, variants and invariants. You've given yourself
to me, and I've turned myself over to you. You know my
favorite color down to the shade, what my parents
almost named me, my social security number, the number
of times I've seen my favorite film. We've spent
Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and
other holidays in each other's company. You put up
with my Filter music. You always smile when I walk in
the door. You have a key to my apartment. I would turn
my life over to you without thinking twice.
I'm cold and faltering inside. I turn away from
everything.
This is my nightmare Dana Scully's living. My deepest
fear, I now realize, is having you leave me by
necessity in the middle of the night for an
unspecified forever. I am afraid of nothing else,
because you taught me not to be afraid, but I know
right now I will always be afraid of what is happening
here. I will never be able to let you go like that. If
I do, I'll die.
You know you're the only one in my life, John, like
Mulder to Scully. I'm well connected, and I make my
professional living that way. I have many friends. But
none of the men in my life come close to you. They all
know that. You figure in every equation, from my
broken engagement with Peyton to my long-distance
friendships with Stanley and J.T., to my final words
to my Academy trainer, Drew Haley, whom you never
really got to know, to my work with Follmer, Skinner,
and others, to my many rogue trips with Alex Krycek.
Krycek knew this most. He knew he could never take me
from you. No one can. The only way I will ever leave
you is if you make me. Let's hope it doesn't come to
that.
You know, I once joked in my diary that in regards to
you, my mother might think the term "partner" meant
"life partner." It's not a joke anymore. The latter
term now applies. It did from the moment I took your
hand on day one and we never looked back. I'd like to
turn the clock back now, just on tonight.
I take deep breaths, waiting for you, holding on for
you. Even though my eyes are closed to keep the river
of tears from flowing, I can hear you still speaking.
My ears have always been trained for the sound of your
voice.
I dream for a moment of a time where partners can be
united without having to look the other way. I wish it
was more than a dream.
And I wait for you.
"You don't look too well," is the first thing you say,
and when I open my eyes I know you've already assessed
my tear-stained face, my pale skin, the cold in my
soul. I exhale. You understand me in this glance and
take me into your arms. We stand there together on the
platform, and I can feel the protection of your arms
around me and I know this is what Scully and Mulder
have, what helps them hold out this terrible evening.
It brings me to be so moved as to let a few more tears
fall on your shoulder.
You shift with this slight provocation, so tuned to me
as I am to you, and we are forehead to forehead for a
moment as you search my eyes and find all my thoughts.
"Don't ever leave me," I manage out softly, "I need
you here."
"I know," you reply quietly, then allow just enough
silence for punctuation. "Stark, we will never have
anything to do with trains in the night, I promise
you. We will never come to this, I swear it."
"Thank you, John."
"You're welcome." You hug me again, and I listen to
your heart rise and fall for a moment. We will all
leave as quickly as possible. Monica will be the
counselor, and Dana will once again pick up the pieces
to rebuild the strength I know she has. The two of us,
we will stay together, because we always have.
Somehow, we will all survive.
What's to happen next? That's not for me to say. But
I'm not afraid, John. I'm not afraid anymore.
-------------------------------------------------
"Glass Waltz" by Vertical Horizon
She knows the fear in the eyes of a child
And he wants to soar through the air
She's only now just beginning to rise
Part of him's already there
So she tried to capture the wind in a box
To liven up her rainy days
And he's so afraid of what's waiting up top
It's probably better that way
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong
But they went through the motions as if they belonged
Playing their parts in this traveling show
And they haven't got too far to go
So he finds the enemies waiting inside
Hungry like never before
She brushes off the temptation like
It's easier just to ignore
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies
But happier times seem to balance the lows
And they haven't got too far to go
No more tears today, no more time to waste
'Cause when I come to the end of the line
I'll know it's my time to shine
So he always wanted to be someone else
She sometimes wanted to die
But they kept believing in spite of themselves
They just had to open their eyes
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong
But they went through the motions as if they belonged
Playing their parts in this traveling show
And they haven't got too far to go
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies
But happier times seem to balance the lows
And they haven't got too far to go
=====
"Oh, for God's sake, please be somebody else."
- Lewis Black
Natalie: Two guys have ascended 5 miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice and are preparing to knock on the door of heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?
Dan: What?
Natalie: Get in the game!
- "The Quality of Mercy at 29K", "Sports Night"
AUTHOR: Brittany "Thespis" Frederick
E-MAIL: baltimorelt@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Vignette, Post-Ep, Doggett/Other
SPOILERS: For the 1/6/02 episode
SUMMARY: Waltzing on glass is no way to survive.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was inspired by Scully's experience
in the 1/6/02 episode and wondered what would happen
if the Scully/Mulder dynamic (in other words, the
separation) had happened to Stark and Doggett. This is
a speculation on that, told from Stark's point of
view. The title song belongs to Vertical Horizon, and
fits perfectly. Lyrics quoted in here, and imagine it
as background music to all these thoughts.
I'm scared, John. Can you tell?
I hear her cry, soft tears over the corpse, soft tears
of disbelief, soft tears of true love, and a shudder
passes down my spine. "Mulder," she repeats a couple
times more. Dana is stronger than me, and she always
has been. And she thinks of the night train escaping
and she falters, fails. Standing on the platform while
Monica comforts her and the bystanders look on and you
talk to the police officer down on the tracks, I feel
cold inside, and I falter, I fail. I start to cry. For
who, I don't really know.
I'm so afraid, my friend. Help me.
Mulder was a good agent and a better friend. For all
his fallacies and faults, he was there when I needed
him. When you were trapped with Leyla Harrison, Scully
called him right before she called me. She knew Mulder
would be the strong person I needed by my side when
you were beyond my reach. And he was every ounce of
that. He never questioned me, not when I trusted your
voice in my mind, not when I claimed to have
experienced that extreme possibility. When I cried,
when I raged, when I tore inside, he picked up the
pieces. When I think of him now, I remember him
standing there in the FBI field jacket with the smile
on his face as he embraced me and then let me go to
you, because he knew the feeling. He knew the feeling,
John, because he still has it deep inside.
What we saw in them, we know we now hold in ourselves.
We both know it, and that is why we hold on, as
desperately and perhaps recklessly as Dana, shuddering
with her own loss, staying true to Mulder by memory
only.
We can quote chapter and verse on the saga of Mulder
and Scully, especially you, especially through the
manhunt for him. You saw firsthand how hard that was
for her, and this must be infinitely harder. It's one
thing to look for something you don't have that you
know you can find, and another to look for something
you know you have that you know you can't possess. And
we know that our seven years isn't much different than
theirs. No, I'm not the mother of your son, and no, we
never crossed this line, but yes, we do love each
other just the same.
I need you to hold me before I shatter completely.
How can she manage this painful separation, this
midnight lunge for mysterious trains? Dana Scully is a
stronger woman than I will ever be, and she relies on
every portion of her strength to survive. But this
kind of suffering, this violent separation from a man
she knows and loves, her child's father, her one and
only, I can not even begin to label with a degree of
agony. No such label high enough exists. But watch
her. All the things she doesn't know, all the things
she won't tell, the carrying of secrets and lies, the
broken voice in corridor conversations. If it occurred
to me that you might someday join Mulder as a distant
spirit beyond my immediate reach, I don't know how I
would be in enough pieces for you ever to come home
to.
Never seeing you again, knowing you're not safe in my
life, I couldn't handle. Shadows and secrecy and only
the dream of you is not enough, not anymore. We're too
closely bonded, you and I, seven years compounded into
a continual existence. I can't do this alone, John. I
can't do this without you.
If we are them inside, will it happen to us?
Would these drastic measures someday become required
of us like they are of Dana and Mulder? You
disappearing from all known existence, will it come to
that? For this moment, I forget how it will affect
Monica, who cares for you deeply, too. Just you and I
considered here, I analyze the e-mail contact, the
world between them, the high scales and heartbreaking
silence. You see, I can't do that. I'm too dependent
on you, John. I need you, and I'm not afraid to admit
it. Not calling this forever would make me less than
zero. It takes strength Dana has that I don't.
Because I've come to need, rely on all that you are,
strengths and weaknesses, small points and larger
ones, variants and invariants. You've given yourself
to me, and I've turned myself over to you. You know my
favorite color down to the shade, what my parents
almost named me, my social security number, the number
of times I've seen my favorite film. We've spent
Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and
other holidays in each other's company. You put up
with my Filter music. You always smile when I walk in
the door. You have a key to my apartment. I would turn
my life over to you without thinking twice.
I'm cold and faltering inside. I turn away from
everything.
This is my nightmare Dana Scully's living. My deepest
fear, I now realize, is having you leave me by
necessity in the middle of the night for an
unspecified forever. I am afraid of nothing else,
because you taught me not to be afraid, but I know
right now I will always be afraid of what is happening
here. I will never be able to let you go like that. If
I do, I'll die.
You know you're the only one in my life, John, like
Mulder to Scully. I'm well connected, and I make my
professional living that way. I have many friends. But
none of the men in my life come close to you. They all
know that. You figure in every equation, from my
broken engagement with Peyton to my long-distance
friendships with Stanley and J.T., to my final words
to my Academy trainer, Drew Haley, whom you never
really got to know, to my work with Follmer, Skinner,
and others, to my many rogue trips with Alex Krycek.
Krycek knew this most. He knew he could never take me
from you. No one can. The only way I will ever leave
you is if you make me. Let's hope it doesn't come to
that.
You know, I once joked in my diary that in regards to
you, my mother might think the term "partner" meant
"life partner." It's not a joke anymore. The latter
term now applies. It did from the moment I took your
hand on day one and we never looked back. I'd like to
turn the clock back now, just on tonight.
I take deep breaths, waiting for you, holding on for
you. Even though my eyes are closed to keep the river
of tears from flowing, I can hear you still speaking.
My ears have always been trained for the sound of your
voice.
I dream for a moment of a time where partners can be
united without having to look the other way. I wish it
was more than a dream.
And I wait for you.
"You don't look too well," is the first thing you say,
and when I open my eyes I know you've already assessed
my tear-stained face, my pale skin, the cold in my
soul. I exhale. You understand me in this glance and
take me into your arms. We stand there together on the
platform, and I can feel the protection of your arms
around me and I know this is what Scully and Mulder
have, what helps them hold out this terrible evening.
It brings me to be so moved as to let a few more tears
fall on your shoulder.
You shift with this slight provocation, so tuned to me
as I am to you, and we are forehead to forehead for a
moment as you search my eyes and find all my thoughts.
"Don't ever leave me," I manage out softly, "I need
you here."
"I know," you reply quietly, then allow just enough
silence for punctuation. "Stark, we will never have
anything to do with trains in the night, I promise
you. We will never come to this, I swear it."
"Thank you, John."
"You're welcome." You hug me again, and I listen to
your heart rise and fall for a moment. We will all
leave as quickly as possible. Monica will be the
counselor, and Dana will once again pick up the pieces
to rebuild the strength I know she has. The two of us,
we will stay together, because we always have.
Somehow, we will all survive.
What's to happen next? That's not for me to say. But
I'm not afraid, John. I'm not afraid anymore.
-------------------------------------------------
"Glass Waltz" by Vertical Horizon
She knows the fear in the eyes of a child
And he wants to soar through the air
She's only now just beginning to rise
Part of him's already there
So she tried to capture the wind in a box
To liven up her rainy days
And he's so afraid of what's waiting up top
It's probably better that way
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong
But they went through the motions as if they belonged
Playing their parts in this traveling show
And they haven't got too far to go
So he finds the enemies waiting inside
Hungry like never before
She brushes off the temptation like
It's easier just to ignore
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies
But happier times seem to balance the lows
And they haven't got too far to go
No more tears today, no more time to waste
'Cause when I come to the end of the line
I'll know it's my time to shine
So he always wanted to be someone else
She sometimes wanted to die
But they kept believing in spite of themselves
They just had to open their eyes
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong
But they went through the motions as if they belonged
Playing their parts in this traveling show
And they haven't got too far to go
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies
But happier times seem to balance the lows
And they haven't got too far to go
=====
"Oh, for God's sake, please be somebody else."
- Lewis Black
Natalie: Two guys have ascended 5 miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice and are preparing to knock on the door of heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?
Dan: What?
Natalie: Get in the game!
- "The Quality of Mercy at 29K", "Sports Night"