Notes and Disclaimers:
This was written is response to Alara's Break-Up Challenge on the Outside the Lines mailing list. Sean Cassidy, Moira MacTaggart, Emma Frost and any other Marvel character mentioned is just that, a Marvel character - not mine. This is a not for profit venture but if you enjoy the story please feel free to let me know.The Fortress Around Your Heart
Emma had offered him the use of her jet. Her opinion was that he shouldn't subject innocent people to himself when he was looking the way he was. "You're depressing me," she had said. "And I don't get depressed."
He had declined, opting for the noise of crowded airplanes and airports to drown out his thought. At least, that was the intent.
For the entire trans-Atlantic flight he had glowered at the phone lodged into the seat in front of him debating silently over whether he should use it.
Call her. Moira deserves to know that you're coming to say good-bye. It's not fair of you to drop in on her and end things with no warning. She's got enough to deal with, why make it worse?
Don't call her. There's no reason to set her off and have to wait for another seven hours before you get to her so she can scream at you in person.
Call her.
Don't call her.
Shit.
He had eyed the tiny liquor bottles in the drink cart with longing before dully requesting a ginger ale. It certainly wouldn't have helped matters to show up drunk. And drunk was where Sean desperately wanted to be at that moment.
Instead, he had slowly sipped his ginger ale and stared at the phone and tried to put into words the frustration and anger and betrayal that he'd been feeling for the last few years.
Which was what he was still trying to do when he came to the main entrance of the Muir Isle Research Center. How do I tell a woman I've loved for so long that I don't love her anymore? Especially when it's a lie. I do love her. I just can't do this anymore. God damn, how am I supposed to do this?
He found her in her lab, as he expected to. She looked up as he entered and he cringed inside as her face brightened as she stood up.
He cringed even more when he saw the bright expression fade as she perceived his bleak countenance.
"Sean? What's wrong?"
He noted the weariness in her voice and the circles under her eyes. He wanted to pull her into his arms and take her away from the lab and its unfeeling angles. He wanted so badly to offer her comfort and he silently raged at the knowledge that even if he made the gesture she would rebuff him in favor of her research. Research is important but you're still a woman, damn you!
"We need to talk, Moira." Was his voice really as hard as it sounded to him?
The moment the words were out of his mouth he could see Moira's walls go up. He frowned. I can't breach your walls, Moira. I can't no matter how hard I try. Why do you put them there? Why are you keeping me out?
"It's over, isn't it?"
"Aye."
"And you came to tell me in person, rather than calling me on the phone or writing a letter," Moira removed her glasses and scrubbed at her eyes with her fingers. "You always were a gentleman, Sean."
"I'm not feeling much like one."
"It's never easy breaking up with someone," Moira turned back to her research equipment. "Very well then, it's over. You've told me. Good-bye."
"No. NO!" Sean's voice grew ragged. "God dammit, Moira, you're not going to do this again. Not now. Not now!"
Moira stiffened but she didn't turn to look at him.
"Take the walls down, Moira. I remember when you didn't have them. I remember when you could talk to me without saying a word and I could do the same. When did you turn into a fortress? When did the walls go up?"
"Is this when you tell me you still love me?" Moira's voice floated back to him hardened with bitterness. "If you don't mind I'd like to be spared that much."
"I've spared you as much as I've been able to stomach, Moira," Sean replied. "I've always tried to take you into account no matter what I've done. It seems to me you weren't always able to extend me the same courtesy."
Moira whirled to face him, her eyes glittering with tears and anger. "What do you want from me, Sean? Do you really get explanations now? You've ended it. No go home. You aren't allowed to 'be there' for me anymore."
"I tried to be, you know," Sean replied quietly. "You always ran away. After Asteroid M crashed, you ran away. I went after you, searching for months, only to find that you'd returned to Westchester and never bothered to tell me. And the Legacy Virus," Sean heard his voice rising, "I had to find out through a news program! How dare you make me find out that way!"
"What would you have done?" Moira asked simply. "Would have come winging your way across the Atlantic to hold my hand? Could you have torn yourself from the side of your precious Emma long enough to spare me any of your time?"
"Don't use Emma as an excuse," Sean told her. "You've already had your share of them."
"Oh, of course not," Moira threw her arms into the air. "I suppose my ex-husband, or the slow destruction of my son, or what I attempted to do to Magneto, or the Shadow King, or the Legacy Virus aren't good enough excuses for you, right?"
"No. They aren't." Sean grabbed her arm. "We had a relationship once," he whispered. "We were a team. I remember you telling me I was your knight in shining armor. I believed you. Somewhere you stopped being the princess and started being the fortress I had to breach. I had to fight just to be near you. Every wall I climbed was replaced by two more. Why, Moira? Why did you fight me when all I wanted to be a part of you?"
Moira jerked her arm away and regarded him with eyes like burning embers. "Because I could beat you."
Sean blinked.
"That's why," Moira said. "I couldn't save myself from Joe, he wouldn't divorce me. I couldn't save Kevin. I couldn't save Magneto. I couldn't save Charles, or Phoenix, and I can't beat this damned disease that's eating away at me. I can't fight the memories of all of those failures. You, Sean, you I can fight. And I can win. That's all I was left with."
"None of those were your fault, Moira, you did your best..."
"Stop telling me that!!" Moira's scream echoed off the walls of the laboratory. "Just stop it! Good Lord Sean, enough is enough. Did you ever think that maybe you were part of the problem?"
He only looked at her quietly.
"Of course not," she rubbed her eyes again. "How could I stand to let you into my heart, Sean, when you would croon so softly about how I wasn't to blame for what happened to Kevin?"
"You weren't, Moira," Sean replied certainly.
"I was his mother!" Moira yelled. "I was his mother! Of course I was responsible! And you could never understand that because to you he was nothing more than an enemy. He was my baby! He was my son! And I failed him as a mother and as a scientist. I was too much a scientist when he needed a mother and too much a mother when he needed a scientist. And you," she pointed accusingly at Sean. "Have you any idea how I crawl with resentment over the fact that you were given a chance with Teresa when I was robbed of any chance with Kevin?"
"Moira..."
"No! And what happened with Magneto? The chance I had to save my son ended in complete failure and ended up not only hurting Kevin but Magnus as well? Was that not my fault somehow, Sean? I manipulated the genetic structure of an infant. Tell me that wasn't my fault!"
"Your intentions were good."
"Good intentions," Moira spat. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Sean. You do recall that, don't you?"
Sean was silent for several moments. "It didn't have to be this way. I wasn't your enemy, Moira. You didn't have to fight me."
Moira's voice broke. "See, I have beaten you. You're quitting. I can fight and I can win and I will win against this damned disease and anything else!"
"Take your victory, then, if it means that much to you," Sean replied coldly. "Good-bye."
**************
Sean returned to Boston feeling empty. He finally understood what happened between himself and Moira. He hated it but, given time, he could accept it. He could even understand her reasons. Maybe she will win, he thought. God, I hope so.
He walked into the entry hall of the school and noticed Emma hovering at the top of the stairs, an anxious look on her face.
He climbed the stairs slowly and noted with frustration how carefully she schooled her expression as he neared.
"How are you?" She asked.
Sean studied her silently for a long time. Then he sighed. "Take the walls down, Emma. I'm not your enemy."
Her brow furrowed. "I know you aren't."
He nodded. "Good night."
Finis