Severus Snape was drunk. He wasn't sure how much alcohol he had consumed in the last hour, but he knew that, considering he could take in all the sights and sounds of his surroundings knowing fully well where he was and why the hell he was there, he was not drunk enough. That had lead him to relish his pain by ordering an entire bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky.
He looked up at the stage, disgusted by the show a young man in his early twenties was performing. His shirt was unbuttoned all the way, revealing a very well toned chest and abs. He was flirting with an older witch, no younger than seventy years old, who blushed as he continued in his song.
"How did ya' know I needed you so badly
How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly
Yesterday I was one of a lonely people
Now you're lying next to me
Making love to me
I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing
You sexy thing
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing"
Upon closer inspection, Snape was startled to realize that the young man performing was Seamus Finnigan. He had never liked the boy when he was attending Hogwarts and seeing him now, making a complete fool of himself, did not change Snape's opinion.
Snape felt as if he could vomit right on the spot, and was surprised he hadn't already. It had been years since he had allowed himself to get so intoxicated, but he felt it was the only way to maintain his sanity in this situation. He made a mental note to turn in his resignation to Dumbledore the second he returned to Hogwarts.
Dumbledore. He was the reason Snape was suffering.
Dean Thomas had started his own karaoke bar for witches and wizards and, for opening night, he had invited everybody from his year to the grand opening. Snape was quick to notice that no Slytherins had attended. "Lucky bastards," he thought. Dumbledore had informed the staff that they would all be in attendance for "moral support" and Snape had to control himself from hexing the old man. He objected profusely for days, but Dumbledore would not back down. In the end, Snape was dragged unwillingly and ill tempered to the bar in Hogsmeade. He made sure to remain in the back, completely alone, his only company being the waiter who had been serving him drinks continually the entire night. The experience was something that he felt Voldemort could have used as a torture tool for his followers when he had been in power.
As Seamus wrapped up "You Sexy Thing" his robes materialized back on his body. The microphones were charmed to coordinate the performer's clothing to the song the microphone would chose. They were also charmed to allow the performer to sing every word to the song, though did nothing for the voice. But possibly the most annoying aspect to the charmed microphones was the fact that they made their own way to the next performer, enchanting them to make their way on stage and begin singing. It apparently felt like the effects of the Imperius curse, but Snape had not been called forth, nor did he intend to be.
He had just put the bottle to his lips, ready to indulge in a long drink when the microphone Seamus had been using glided its way over to Snape. He felt the bottle slip from his hand and heard the sound of shattering glass on the floor beside him. His body was pulled upward and dragged to the stage.
Along the way, he was able to clearly see Harry Potter with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting beside him, looks of amusement plastered on their faces. Ron was already bending over, gasping for air from laughing so hard. Snape's view, however, wandered to Hermione. She had grown into a very pretty woman in the five years since graduating Hogwarts. He noted her hair, normally frizzy and extremely bushy, had developed into more of loose curls, which hit her in the middle of her back. His eyes were torn away by his foot colliding with a step that led him onto the stage. Once on stage, the charm from the microphone promptly transformed his robes into Muggle clothing. Had Snape been in a normal state, he would have burned the clothing right then. He would rather stand naked in front of the crowd than show his face in the attire that now adorned his body.
He had been dressed in denim blue jeans with a tight fit, particularly around his backside. His shirt was spandex in material, black, showing his lean and muscular upper body. His feet hurt because he was wearing black cowboy boots, and, to his utter embarrassment, a black cowboy hat on his head.
He looked out into the crowd one last time and the music began. The beat was steady, with a twang that pulsed up and down. Snape found himself involuntarily jerking his shoulders to the beat. He supposed that the charm that allowed him to know the words also enhanced the performance.
He could not continue these thoughts, however, because he suddenly opened his mouth and began to sing, revealing a rather smooth sounding baritone that he was unaware was his.
"Girl you've never known no one like me"With this, his hand extended, shaking his index finger. He then began allowing his feet to take him across the stage as he continued to sing, and tapping his foot when he would stop.
"Up there in your high society
They might tell you I'm no good
Girl they need to understand
Just who I am
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man"
At the last lyric, he allowed his hand to slide down his side in a very sensual manner, making a few witches scattered throughout audibly swoon.
As if the alcohol finally sunk in, he surrendered and obliged his body to react contrary to the way his mind wanted him to. He completely let the music take over his movements, and even flashed a crooked smile.
"I may drink too much and play too loud
Hang out with a rough and rowdy crowd
That don't mean I don't respect
My Mama or my Uncle Sam
Yes sir, yes ma'am"
He tipped his hat.
"I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man"
He repeated the movement he had previously done.
The music changed slightly and he began walking into the crowd, letting his feet lead him. When he arrived in front of Hermione, Harry and Ron both stood up, apparently undecided on whether they wanted to attack him or continue to watch him in disbelief. Hermione, however, turned a violent shade of red and looked at him startled. He then knelt down in front of her and continued.
"I might have a reckless streak
At least a country mile wide
If you're gonna run with me
It's gonna be a wild ride"
He suggestively thrust his pelvis at her.
"When it comes to loving you
I've got velvet hands"
Overcome with temptation, he stroked his right hand against her cheek, making her shiver excitedly.
"I'll show you how a real bad boy
Can be a real good man"
He pulled Hermione out of her chair and proceeded to dance lustfully through the musical interlude and into the next stanza.
"I take all the good times I can get
I'm too young for growing up just yet
Ain't much I can promise you
'Cept to do the best I can
I'll be damned
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man"
He took her back to her seat, letting her sit back down and recover from the shock.
"I may be a real bad boy
Oh but baby I'm a real good man
Yes I am"
As the end of the song played, he walked back up on the stage and once again began dancing suggestively. When the music finally stopped, he was dressed in his robes once more and a state of shock overcame him. The entire bar stood and applauded noisily as the microphone made its way to its next helpless victim. Snape hurriedly headed to the back of the bar and out the back door. He didn't notice Dean Thomas following him, and when he approached Snape, his former professor nearly wrung his neck at seeing him.
"Whoa! Professor! I just wanted to tell you that you did a smashing job up there."
Snape looked at him, mortified. "Smashing job? Mr. Thomas, I was drunk off my ass, singing a country song and hitting on a former student. I highly doubt that qualifies as 'smashing job'." He glared daggers at Dean.
Dean couldn't help but chuckle, which infuriated Snape further. "What?" he spat.
"I'm sorry, Professor, but I suppose I should have told you when you came in. The microphones are charmed to sense how intoxicated a person is. The more pissed you are, the higher your chances are of having to perform." He looked at Snape, slightly intimidated.
"Mr. Thomas, I want you out of my sight, and if I ever see you near me again, I will be forced to use an Unforgivable curse on you." He said it calmly. Too calmly for Dean's comfort and he left Snape alone, entering the bar once more.
Snape made his way over to a trashcan that was resting outside, doubled over and vomited. When he picked up his head, he told himself aloud that he would never drink alcohol again.
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Author's Note: Okay, this is my first completed fan fiction and was written out of sheer and utter boredom. Plus, I've had the strange image of Snape singing "Real Good Man" ever since… well, I just have. I'm not a big fan of song fics, though I can enjoy one that involves interesting images. I did this solely to indulge my imagination.
The songs used in this fic are "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate and "Real Good Man" by Tim McGraw. I do not own the rights to the songs, nor do I own the rights to any of the Harry Potter characters, references, etc. Those belong to J.K. Rowling and I make nothing from using it.
I'd like to thank Chris for beta-ing for me, and letting me know that it disturbed her. Success!!