Disclaimer : Watanabe Wataru
Author : Fvvn
Beta : Zara Mikazuki
Rating: T
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
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Kataomoi
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You know that time sure flies fast. You still do your hobby, which has now become your main profession. You are a cycling athlete whose name has spread considerably throughout Japan. You have even attended many international competitions. You know that your dream has now been reached and that you can be proud for achieving what you want from what you like.
Intense competition and racing under various weather conditions—rain, heat, or wind—has become commonplace for you and you never feel daunted or nervous when you ride on your road racer. You race for the sake of true victory.
But you know, you aren't as brave as you think you are. You get scared when your road racer climbs the slope around Sohoku Academy. You still get scared when the environment that you left in your past is now perceived again by the senses that usually take in a sparkling and glamorous world. You are still scared for when you are allowed to return to visit the area where 'he' lived until now. Because you know that everything in this town reminds you about him and his past, you get easily scared.
Unlike most famous people who return to their hometowns with luxury cars that stun a lot of people, you (as usual) ride on the roadside with your bike, your companion, which you never leave alone. You ride rather slowly because you do not want to look hasty—maybe you are just afraid of being in a rush. You know that some people notice you and are amazed when you pass by them. Some of them even call your name—like a boy next to his mother on the pavement. A passing school boy wearing a green blazer and red tie, your kouhai, is caught off-guard when he notices you. However, you don't know that he entered Sohoku Academy with a milky-white mama-chari because of your legacy. Driving in the opposite direction, the surprised boy, as a reflex, screams your name and smiles broadly.
"Shunsuke Imaizumi is home!"
You pass them with a hidden smile. His mama-chari is a reminder of your past.
You know that pretty soon, you will be facing 'him'.
You will pay a visit to his home. Greet him. Say hello. Make small talk. You will do it.
You know that you should see him, whether you are ready or not, whether you are afraid or not, because you need to feed your ego. After all, you long for the day when you can finally see your old friend who once walked on the same path alongside you.
Ah, you're smiling once again.
But this time, it is a painful smile.
Your bike stops in front of a tiny home with a yard surrounded by a rustic brown fence and a terrace covered with lots of beautiful lilies. You see a figure sitting on a porch chair enjoying the afternoon breeze. He calmly looks forward and gives an innocent smile for no reason. Without asking for permission, you open the fence and enter, behaving as if it were your own home. You park your bike on the edge of the terrace before you finally walk up to him and say hello.
Before you can say anything, he intercepts your greeting—probably because the bike was too noisy when parking it and he knew it was you.
"Imaizumi-kun?"
His small voice trembles. It is a voice that you have not heard for many years. His hand reaches into the air and you are aware that his large round glasses are gone from his face. It is not because he is using contact lenses nor is it because his eyes are now healthy like yours are.
Instead—
"Hey, hey."
You capture his searching hand.
"I'm here, Onoda."
Onoda then smiles and sighs a quiet 'ah, so'. Your little heart is bothered—disturbed by the fact that your old friend is no longer able to see. No longer able to capture your adult face when you have finally become a figure with high levels of achievement.
Because, the present Onoda is—
"How are you? How was your last tournament?"
You know that this is the reason why Onoda stopped walking alongside you. You know and you were there when the accident happened during the race, when Onoda suddenly fell from his road racer in the rain and said,
'Why is it suddenly so dark?'
It feels like a flash—when you were usually selfish and prioritized the match, you instead turned around and quickly ran over to Onoda, carried him, and brought him back to the starting line. Because of that, the famous king, Hakone Academy, won the race again that day.
Outbursts within the hectic atmosphere after the match drowned out other sounds, as if your ears were plugged with cotton. You were very frantic with his pale face in front of yours. At the time, you focused only on the figure within your arms. No one blamed your decision—everyone else would have done the same thing as you. You were just acting naturally.
"I'm fine. And my matches are the same as usual."
Only your scream remained a bit unnatural.
Shouting, repeating his name, with pain and tears.
"Wow. You won again? Just as expected, Imaizumi-kun."
You look down, smiling wryly.
You know that Onoda did not give up on the cycling world out of his own will. This fact makes you feel even more awkward when talking about things that have been and will remain a far dream for Onoda.
"I'm not as good as you think."
"What do you mean? You know that you're great, Imaizumi-kun."
Ah. You wondered what sort of face Onoda would make, if he could see you now.
You sit in the chair next to him and can't avert your gaze from his current figure, now talking to you about a lot of things. You know that not just today, you feel that Onoda looks so—
Cute.
"Last time, Naruko-kun sent me mail in Braille—yes, really in Braille. He is very kind, and I can read the mail in person to you. He says that if Imaizumi-kun stops by my house, he wants me to pass his message to you; that at the next match, both of you will be meeting again. He added 'I'm not going to lose this time' or something like that."
"Hmph. That man hasn't changed even though he's almost reached the retirement age for athletes."
"Hahaha—what a joke! You're still young!"
"No. Not for people who want to build a family…"
It instantly becomes silent.
You are not sure if you misdirected the conversation. You can hear an awkward laugh from Onoda when the word 'family' slips through the mouth of an athlete who tossed everything about romance aside in order to reach his dream of becoming number one in Japan.
"…Strange. People with lots of fans, like you, still worry about having descendants."
Onoda does not know nor will he ever know with whom you've actually fallen in love.
A love that is very much hopeless.
"Fans and a future wife are two different things—"
You realize that your hand moved by reflex to stroke Onoda's cheek. You are also aware that he suddenly looks confused by your action.
"You may not know that—"
It appears that God is really not on your side. The silent moment shatters into pieces when the door behind your chair creaks open, revealing the face of the person whom you have forever hated. The face of the person who always stole your favorite things. The face of the person with blue hair.
"Ah, Shunsuke-kun has arrived? Why did you not tell me?"
"—S-sorry. I was just about to bring him inside."
A shy smile? You bet that Onoda would never use those kinds of facial expressions towards you.
"Yo, Shunsuke-kun. Long time no see–"
"Don't call me like that, you jerk."
"Well, well. You're still rough as usual."
The blue-haired guy places his hands on Onoda's shoulders, eyebrows rising up and down. You feel so dejected by his actions.
"M-Manami-kun–"
You know that your anger will only create an unpleasant atmosphere for Onoda. As such, you give in, reassuming a poker face and changing the subject conversation to trivial matters. Of course, you stay away from the topic of bike racing.
"Can I use your toilet?"
"Oh, of course. Please come on in—"
"I'm not talking to you, Manami."
Onoda laughs, hearing you talk back to Manami.
Oh, really. You decide to change the topic in order to make Onoda forget about the sentence that you didn't finish saying earlier.
"You may not know that—"
'—I am gay.'
On the very last second of this day, at the very last possible moment, you still keep your mouth shut. Still unable to call Onoda by his first name.
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Kataomoi
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You know, you sometimes feel jealous of the man who is one step ahead of you. The man who still continues your hobby of cycling and has even climbed to the highest position.
But surely, you do not regret your choice.
Although you have felt envious of him, you do not want to regret it.
With your current position, you are now able to be together under the same roof with the person that you secretly have a crush on. You think it's enough to be given the opportunity to take care of him, even if you aren't sure how long you are going to last.
You still remember it clearly. The bicycle tournament, your last one, left a bitter tragedy in your heart. You felt tremendously proud when you and your team got first place again in the match. But in the seconds after that, you'd just heard the bad news about your rival.
The climax of happiness instantly collapsed like an old building hit by an iron ball, intensely suffocating your breath.
You remember when one of your friends on the team asked you to represent Hakone Academy on the winner's stage for the photo session. You were unable to put the necessary bright smile on your face.
You still ride with your white-with-black-spots road racer, but you no longer use it to run in a race. You do not stop your hobby, but you are no longer pursuing your dream.
You graduated as a regular college student and for 'his' sake, applied for a small job. You went to his residence and offered yourself as a caretaker for your most favorite person. Of course, this job got only a small pay. In the end, you decide to switch your profession and work in the bicycle repair shop just next to his house.
No, it doesn't mean that you left him behind. You keep working as a caretaker and, in fact, are willing to be paid with only a sincere smile of his. You do not ask for a penny—that leaves him quite surprised and very grateful to have a friend like you.
'Friend'.
You just smile, friendly as usual.
Although you know that Onoda cannot see your face anymore.
You know that today, an important person in his life will drop by the house. You notice it when the person you take care of asks you to bring him outside the house because he wanted to 'see' the color of twilight. You know he was joking when he said that.
"Want a cup of tea?"
"No, thanks. I-I'll wait for Imaizumi-kun first."
"All right. Then enjoy your free time, Sakamichi-kun. I still have lots of things to do."
"Sorry to trouble you, Manami-kun."
"Manami-kun, huh? Do you still not want to call me 'Sangaku'?"
"Eh?"
"Nah. It's okay."
With a sigh, you smile and gently pat his tiny head, then go into the house leaving his innocent face wondering.
No. You do not do what you said earlier. Behind the door, you sit slumped, pensive and waiting just like him. You can hear the hum then – your beloved person sings an old anime song, though it has been years since he watched it because of the accident.
Onoda probably feels so nostalgic about the past and so began to sing all of a sudden, before he meets with the person who became his first friend ever in his life. The person who Onoda recommended 'Love Hime' to with such an enthusiastic expression at the time.
A few minutes later, you can hear the sound of a road racer that stops and the creak of the fence that opens in the front yard. You know that that person has finally come.
You do not immediately get out of the house and disturb their moment. Instead, you simply eavesdrop on their conversation like a coward behind the brown door.
You know the truth. You are not the only one who desires Onoda. There is an athlete with a prestigious name, Imaizumi, who is the same as you. That is the reason why this famous man has always loathed you so much for always standing beside Onoda like a knight. However, Imaizumi does not know the truth—about Onoda and about how you are actually in the same position as Imaizumi himself.
You know that no matter how close you are, you will never be able to obtain his body or his spirit. You are aware that there are many factors that have been blocking your success and that you are probably the only person who would always be with him until his heart stops beating. You know that it is useless to cry of blood or scream until your vocal cords are torn, that your kataomoi will always remain unrequited.
You cannot forget the image of Onoda from last night. About how he seemed so excited. About how he seemed so passionate about Imaizumi's visit to the house. About how he shared stories after not meeting for so many years. About how he blushed slightly. About how his blush spread across his entire face, turning it red. About how he seemed so enthusiastic when he heard the words on a phone that he received the night before.
'Tomorrow, I will come over.'
About how you weren't sure what kinds of feelings his were.
About how you weren't sure whether it was a form of admiration or a form of love like yours towards him.
You just smile wryly when the conversation begins to feel intimate and beyond annoying. So, you get out with haste and appear as an antagonist or a spoilsport of sorts. You know that there's a twitch in Imaizumi's forehead when your face appears in the doorway.
"Ah, Shunsuke-kun has arrived? Why did you not tell me?"
You act as if you are proud of the results that you have achieved up until now. The results where you can be Onoda's 'beloved' knight. You put on an act deliberately designed to upset your 'honored' guest.
An act deliberately designed to cover the truth that you still deny—
The truth that Onoda is already married.
The truth that he has a son with the same dream as him.
The truth that you don't want to tell Imaizumi because it will make you look so stupid today.
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Fin
Endnotes:
Kouhai = Junior (opposite of Senpai)
Mama-chari = "mommy-bike"
Kataomoi = Unrequited love
**The Japanese term "kouhai" is not exclusive to people who were in school as your juniors when you were in school. It can refer to anyone younger than you (no matter how much younger) who is attending the same school. In this story, it has been some time since Imaizumi graduated from Sohoku. Nonetheless, anyone who attends Sohoku as a student even after he graduated would still qualify as Imaizumi's "kouhai". This also holds true for the term "senpai".
A/N : Um well, this is my first time making fic in English (with someone who did the beta /yay). My english were so crappy but Zara fix this fic nicely so it was such a big help for me. I hope you enjoy it!