Sitting in front of the counter, I asked for a bottle of sake. I wanted to drink that night mainly because I needed it. For some reasons, my entire environment pissed me of. I wanted to reflect about it but in the end I felt lost. That's why I was here, in a bar, drinking alone while wearing woman's clothes and simple make-up. I wasn't lying to world, I was a woman. But going out the night while dressed in my real gender was dangerous. My spear wasn't with me; I had nothing to defend myself against a stranger. Women shouldn't think at such things: men are always going to save us right? Bullshit. That was my thought while drinking my first cup of sake. It was hot, freaking hot, but satisfying.
Here I was, thinking about the same dilemma that annoyed me every single day. But what could I do? Watching the world while being dressed as a woman or a man was a poison gift. A gift because I could understand way more than a standard person could. But this gift has such a costly price. It was eating my own self and I couldn't decide which person I wanted to be in my future. I knew with that kind of personality that I would never lean on someone's shoulder. I was fine with that. It was how I decided to live my life, alone and independent with no bond or dream. Just living for my duty and fulfilling my parents' wishes. Here I took my second sip.
I could feel the strong liquid doing its journey into my stomach. I wasn't complaining. I always liked alcohol, something that a respectable woman shouldn't say out loud. And I always said it out loud, but as a man. I was such a hypocrite in the end. I hated all the social rules of this country but I always followed them to please my environment, because my job was to lie and to kill people who could threaten my father position. But right now, I was telling the world through my action that I liked alcohol, and as a woman. The night was young. I shouldn't drink with that kind of speed. I didn't care of what I should do. Here was my third cup of the bottle, and a fourth too in the process.
I could feel some gazes at me. That was predictable. A lone woman drinking fast was the perfect target for men's who wanted a partner that night. What an idiot. It could have been the thought that I may had if I had any weapon with me. Did I take poison with me? Seems like no. It was so strange, being defenceless. I was used to protect myself against anything. I swallowed a cup of sake. And here I was, not being able to do a thing. Here came another cup for the fun. I was making myself more vulnerable. I took another big gulp. I let a satisfying sound from my mouth after finishing my cup. I wanted to be drunk. Yes. I wanted to be drunk because I was so desperate. But no one needed to know that. And I finished my bottle in no time after that.
I asked the waiter for another bottle. I think I will always remember his surprised face when he understood that I already finished mine. If I was a man, he would have been surprised for sure, but not that much. He almost choked when I told him that I was waiting for my next bottle. His expression made him so cute and my usual reflex took over me. I looked at him with a seductive smile and a seductive stare that usually made men fall for me. He blushed and went to take my command. I chuckled at it. He was embarrassed so he ran away. It was funny for me whom lost every kind of innocence that a perfect woman should have. It was also funny to see that innocent men still existed. It always brightens my days. But not this time around.
My throat was already dry but even an expert drinker like me would know that drinking with that pace wasn't a good idea. So when the waiter came back, I thanked him with my usual false seductive face and pour my cup one more time. I didn't drink it directly. Instead, I decided to see my reflection on the transparent liquid. Was it my real face? For sure, I did put a little make-up so it shouldn't change it too much, but that wasn't the real question. Who the hell was I? A woman who knew everything about Japanese art and seemliness? Or a man who could a spear like it was a part of his own body? I asked this question every time I was alone, doing nothing. And I never found an answer. Maybe that wasn't my time yet. Did the alcohol make me less uncomfortable? Here came the first sip of my second bottle.
I learned to lie early in my life and I continued refining my skill through years. No one could tell when I was genuinely smiling. My geisha training taught me to never fully laugh when something was funny, only few chuckles with some fingers on my lips were allowed. And I kept doing that even without a geisha clothing. I supposed this was how training could leave marks on our body and attitude. I laughed at this thought. If my mother was seeing me right now, she may have a heart attack. I took a sip for this funny idea. And my father would be proud of the amount I already drank. I swallowed another cup of sake. These two cups would be the first and the last one for my parents tonight. I wanted to think for my own self. Isn't that the reason I came here in the first place? I took another gulp.
I was suddenly feeling the effect of all the alcohol I had drink until now. My body was hotter and my mind felt less heavy on serious thoughts. Thank god, I was looking for that. But a full bottle plus some cups already? Wasn't it too much? Even for me? Certainly, and that was exactly why I was doing it. I wanted to be drunk and dance with the world. Dance with all these crazy rules and shout out how much I wanted to be free. Yes. Freedom. That was the only thing that I couldn't reach, something that I'll never touch or feel. I was a doll. And a doll has no wish, no dream and no goal. A doll just does what the owner told it to do. And that was me, a perfect doll, a perfect killing machine too. I took a sip. Seem like I wasn't going to stop tonight.
The air of the bar became damp as more and more people entered. I didn't know what hour it really was but I knew it was around ten or eleven; that was the time where bars were full, full of men of course. Some were alone, some in groups with friends, comrades or just acquaintance but not a single feminine sight. I wasn't surprised and I honestly didn't even care about it. My mind was already full after all. In the end, we all came here for the same reason: drinking and loosen up a bit. Social rules were hard even for men, I never denied it, but they were the only ones who had the chance to relax while drinking. Women couldn't do that; if they were alone and drunk in the road, the chance of being raped was high, really high. So we were learned not to do that. And I was doing the opposite, shame on me, or not.
I was keeping my full glass of sake in my hand, thinking of how refined geisha's hands were. Theoretically, I was a geisha too so my hand should be as beautiful as theirs. And they were if you took the point of view of a lambda person, but not from mine. I knew what these hands had done; I knew what kind of sin they had committed. I was so filthy but I didn't want to regret. I could never forgive myself if I started it. Then I sensed a man sitting next to me. I didn't make me flinch at all and I continued staring at my cup. I heard him calling the waiter for a bottle of sake. I stayed still. I heard him pouring his cup, I drank mine to stop my mind focusing on a stranger whom I didn't even see his face.
I was drunk. I finally understood it when I turned my head towards the person that my mind absolutely wanted to see. It was a man, of course, but a really charismatic one. His gaze seemed to never leave his sake cup despite my intense stare. Why the hell was I staring him? I was drunk. The answer was so simple. I would have loved my life if all my questions were that easy to answer. But my eyes were focused on the man next to me, tall, muscular but not too much, wearing stylish clothes composed of a white kataginu with red and dark trimming, a white then red bandage like obi, red hand guards and a gray hakama, a choice which was showing most of his torso. He had a manly face with beautiful dark amber eyes and auburn hair put on a low ponytail keeping his long smooth hair. I finally turned around, not even ashamed of myself. I poured my cup and took another sip. If I was going to be drunk, I wanted to be wasted.
I understood that he was now the one who was staring. I didn't mind as I felt no danger in his presence. For some reason, it comforts me. I was sure me being drunk was the reason. My normal self would have stayed on her guard. I took another sip of the poison named alcohol. It was really starting to have an effect on my body and my mind but I didn't care. I was so thirsty and I finished my second bottle. And despite all the sake I had drunk, my movement still remained graceful and elegant. Geisha training for the win. I smiled despite not wanting it. I may even lose my composure tonight. I was more thrilled by it than scared. Samurai training for the win this time. I smiled one more time. It was the first moment after a long time that I didn't feel that alleviate.
Finally, I turned my head again toward that mysterious man. I knew he hadn't moved yet but I didn't care. I was a bold person and I never hid that part of my personality. I wanted to see with what kind of eyes he was watching me. It was the first time I ever shown a real interest for a stranger only by his presence. When our eyes met, he didn't flinch either, keeping his long and intense stare at me. I didn't jumped either, knowing I was giving him the same gaze he was giving to me. No word were used they even seemed unnecessary to me. It was a special moment, whether I forget it or not. Our looks were a mixture of curiosity, boldness, calm and lust. Both of us could feel the unusual connection that was made by our eyes contact but none of us wanted to cut it.
"Do you want another bottle, my lady?" I heard.
That was the waiter who cut my weird moment with the stranger. I turned my head to him, my eyes showing my drunkenness without any shame.
"If you don't mind, yes I would like another bottle."
"My lady, if I can allow myself, don't you think that you already drank too much?"
"You are the one who propose me a bottle of sake and now you are telling me to stop?" I asked without any harmful intent.
"Ah, I know, it's just my job to ask the customer." He answered. "I was just concerned about you, I mean, a lone woman drinking that much alone in the night..."
"Do I like alone right now?" I cut him, teasing him the same moment, using an innocent voice with a seductive smile and stare.
"No... I'm sorry." He said, looking at the stranger, and then leaving.
I chuckled again at his reaction. He didn't learn from earlier, did he? I turned my face toward the stranger again, the urge to talk to him finally coming.
"I hope you don't mind if I used you?" I asked, already knowing his answer by the way he was drinking his second cup.
"Why would I? You said the truth." He answered.
After that, the waiter came back with my third bottle of the night. I thanked him, poured my cup and drank it before turning my head again. I had completely forgotten my previous though and I was focused on him. I hated it as much as I loved it. I was free from my though and nearly dependant from his presence. It was extreme, but it was how my body was reacting to him, like I was drawn to him.
"Such bold words coming from a ronin." I teased.
"Such delicate ways for a warrior." He answered to my tease.
I wasn't shocked, my alcohol level making difficult to be down to earth. Instead, I smiled and poured my cup again. He seemed to be as drunk as me : he certainly had drunk before in another bar. Good thing. I wasn't alone in that good state. We drank our cup at the same time, without a toast or anything. Our meeting wasn't conventional, so why our manners and talks would be? My mind was such a strange thing : I wanted to know everything about this man as much as I wanted to know nothing about him. He was just a tool that would fill my though all night. A perfect one I'd wanted to say. But at the same time, he was an existence I wanted to know about. Not understand, we already did without talking, just knowing.
"It is the first time someone guess I'm a warrior in such a short time." I continued.
"It is the first time someone guess I'm a ronin without looking to my katana or my spear." He responded.
"Is our discussion going to relate about how special our encounter is?" I asked
"It depends of what you want." He answered, pouring his cup again. "So, what do you want?" He asked back, drinking his sake.
I drank mine too, not knowing what to answer. That was my life question: What do I want? My heart melted at this question and some tears felt slowly from my eyes. They were cold compared to my hot and the blushed face I had. They were cold as the world awaiting me the next day. I was silent, not a gasp or a sound were heard from my mouth; my body didn't show any sign either. Just like a doll. I smiled and drank another sip of sake. It was my way to run away from the question. Nobody forced me, I could ignore it but for some reason, I wanted to answer. My blurry eyes continued staring at my empty cup.
"I don't know. Why was I born? Why was I educated? I have no wish or dream." Then I finally turned my head toward him. "I'm a doll, a drunken beautiful doll right now." I finished by a laugh, my tears already dried. "You?"
I know my answer had no link with his original question but it seemed right. As if it was the response he was really waiting, he drank another cup of sake, not showing any kind of emotion first.
"I don't know either." He said, not looking at me. "I just started following someone who might show me the road. But I don't know if that's a good choice or not." He paused then continued. "Every choices have sacrifices right?"
He looked back at me and we stayed like this for some really long seconds. Our eyes were certainly sad but none of us was ashamed of it. It was as if the world around us had disappeared, leaving the two of us in a state where only him and I could understand each other. I finally closed my eyes for a second when I felt his hand wiping the remaining tears on my cheek. I gently put my hand on his, not even touching him but grazing him. This simple contact changed something in our comportment. I don't know how or why but after that, an impulse got me, a real impulse which wouldn't leave me alone if I didn't do something about it. So I got up and paid my bill. He did the same and followed me in the dark road. I was drunk, he was drunk but both of us were completely aware of what we were doing. So when we both entered in an inn, the first thing we did while entering in the room was kissing each other.
It was quite slow as I let him put his arm around my waist and the other on my back, his hand touching my shoulder and bringing my body closer to his. As a reaction to his action, I put one arm around his neck, letting the other touching carefully his cheek while my tongue was busy discovering his mouth. I expected him to be rough and hard with all the lust we gathered in our stare battle in the bar but it seemed that this encounter really was different in every way. Nothing could be predicted and everything would be a surprise for both of us. I could feel the need our body had to be together at the moment but our curiosity took over our impulse; we were slow and it felt even better. Every single touch had an effect on me, from his hand keeping my body as close as he could to his hand stroking my hair gently.
When we drew apart after some minutes that felt like beautiful hours, we let our face close to each other, our noses touching and our sudden breaths mixing. The need of air was present after this single kiss but I couldn't help wanting more, even as breathless as I was. I smiled without wanting it and brushed my lips to his, hoping for a reaction which came almost instantly after my little tease. And here I was, kissing him again as I had never kissed someone. It was full of anticipation, desire and seemed like a promise. Which one, I didn't know, but it felt as it would never end. We drew apart again without us wanting it ; our lungs were commanding us to stop for a little. I didn't want my body to be separated from his for a single centimetre so I still let my face close to his, this time opening my eyes and meeting his.
I could have sworn I would have fall if he wasn't keeping me with his strong arms. This eyes meeting seemed like an attack to my heart, his eyes looking even more beautiful and stunning than before. It's like they were shining, certainly an effect of the alcohol but I didn't even want to know about that. His gaze looked as it was watching all of me, my hopes and my dreams coming back while I supposedly threw them a long time ago. And I knew I was doing the same to him too: I could feel his doubts and his dreams surfacing as my pure black eyes were staring him. We didn't look surprised, as if everything what was happening was evidence. His eyes still locked in mine; I let my hand wander and carefully removed the hair tie keeping his mid-long hair. I finally diverted my eyes when I started stroking his hair slowly. I didn't wait him and did the same with my complex traditional hair bun which he likely would have lost his way trying to unwrap it.
I felt my long hair falling after I removed all the accessories I had put on my head. They were like clothes to me, hiding me and showing a form which everybody would admire. It felt strange; it was the first time I let someone see me like as a simple and vulnerable woman who wanted to be loved. Loved? Did I ever think of something like that before? I didn't think so, but watching the intense gaze of the man before me made me feel as being loved wouldn't be a bad thing. It was such a chimera. He started stroking my hair slowly, and then slided his hand to my cheek, lifting my head towards his face. I almost shivered to his contact and wanted to always be stared like this. The gaze was strong but the featuring of his eyes was almost soft. To hell with my mind, I just wanted to kiss him in that moment.
"You're so beautiful." He gently said.
Should I let him continue his talk? No. Run away – kiss him, that's easier. And that's exactly what I did. He started a sentence and I cut him with my lips on his. I didn't want to hear more. It was enough. Beautiful he said? I was a beautiful doll but a dreadful person. But if he could see only the external part, it was good. That would be as always. I was the one controlling the situation, I was the one knowing what should be said or not, I was the one deciding on everything. But this time, he didn't answer back and pushed me away. I looked at him, startled. His gaze was now furious, certainly not accepting my lack of sincerity.
"Stop lying." He said firmly before taking my shoulder with both hands and pushing me down on the floor.
For the first time of my life, I felt completely defenceless, without any weapon to protect me, even my face and my lies wouldn't be effective. With his body on me, his arm behind my head and his face at one centimetre of mine, I couldn't do a single thing apart of listening to his breath next to mine. That was too much to handle even for me who should be used to this kind of situation. Or not, I wasn't used at all. It was all new but now, I was more scared than anything. With the high level of alcohol in blood, I didn't know what I was supposed to do when someone was overpowering me. I didn't even know if I was scared or thrilled by the new lead this encounter followed. Was it the alcohol or just him being just too much to handle for my poor mind and heart?
"I can't." I replied with a little voice. He continued to stare me without any shiver so I added. "I don't know how."
It was sincere, awfully sincere. I wanted to slap myself and go back to the woman I was supposed to be: calm, intelligent, manipulative and colder than the ice. But how could I with these eyes melting me? I was waiting for his answer and for some reasons, his words meant everything. I couldn't explain why and I didn't even wanted to know; I would just wait for his answer. I didn't flinch and still kept my face towards his without any shyness. That sounded like the best answer I could give. I then felt his arm sliding between my back and the floor and I let him getting me up as he sat on the floor. His hand was now on the back of my neck while the other in my cheek. He was tender, too much for someone who gave me the most lustful sight I've saw in the bar.
"I said you were a beautiful woman, not a beautiful doll."
For some reasons, his words reached me. They weren't supposed to touch me but they did. I could compare his voice to the snow, covering all the ashes of the ground and wrapping my heart. His intense gaze didn't change; it was the same as before: a mix of curiosity and lust. But it had something else like fondness. My body simply decided to put my hand on his cheek again and stroking it with my thumb. He closed his eyes and let his head on my hand as he was counting on me to support it. It felt like he was leaning on me and I could feel his apprehension too. How could we believe and lean on a stranger? I put my second hand on his other cheek and gave him a lingering kiss. I could feel it again, this electrical charge in my whole body and all the desire I almost forgot because of my protection reflex.
"Who the hell are you?" were the only words I could pronounce before kissing him.
We drew apart again and locked our eyes to each other eyes. So many words needed to be said but none of them were heard, just our loud breath and our heartbeat. For the first time, he was the one giving the initiative and kissed me again and again. The cute pecks quickly transformed into passionate kisses which never wanted to end. It was like our situation was urgent, like some fire burning our mind was controlling our bodies. I felt his arm slide to my rib then to my back as to help me not to fall because of our passionate exchanges.
"That's my line." He succeeded to say between our hot kisses before attacking my lips again, wounding them with all the force he was putting.
I wanted to answer but my body was commanding me to do otherwise, and for the first time of my life, I let it choose. I firstly put my arms lightly around his neck, but the urge of feeling him more took over me and I finally got even closer, putting his face between my elbows and letting my hand grab his hair. Not a nice stroke but a real grip that made him moan between our kisses and tongues teases. I was drunk, drunk of him exactly. And that realisation made me want more. I pushed him on the floor with all the force I knew I had. I was now on top of him, our faces finally separated from more than one centimetre. We were breathing so loudly than even the others guests may hear us but it never cut our eyes contact. It was something that none of us wanted to stop, like a bond.
Before calming myself down, I started giving some quick pecks on his jaw, following a line until I reached his neck. Passionate kisses replaced the cute kisses as I let my tongue play with his skin, ending all of this teasing with a little bite. I then brushed my lips on his neck, going to his jaw again. As he felt my lips coming slowly to his, he pushed me on the side, taking the advantage of my surprise and taking the lead, now being on top of me.
"Wait. You can't just have all the fun." He simply said with a playful tone, making me curious.
"Didn't you like it?" I answered with the same tone, taking cupping his face with my hands and kissing him slowly.
"Maybe I liked it too much." He quickly as he started kissing my neck slowly.
I still can't explain what happened and why it happened. But for some reasons, I can safely admit that that night was the most beautiful night I never had. Not because we made love, but because of the meaning behind it. It was like a comfort for two lost people who had decided to run away from their life. We found each other and we knew we would never forget this encounter, even if it was supposed to be our last. We didn't talk but our eyes did: at the end of the night, we knew who we were despite not knowing each other's name. But I never imagined that I would meet him again in the Shinsengumi headquarter where he was a captain and me a prisoner. Harada Sanosuke was his name. Ono Manami was mine.
I just corrected my grammar error while using OpenOffice English dictionary. Gosh I saw some unforgivable errors I'm so sorry ! I mean it ! If you found something else please tell me, I'm French so my english is not perfect at all. I sometimes wrote some horrible stuff like "runed" of gosh I was so shocked when I found it xD Anyway ! A review is also appreciated for critics :D
Corrected it again with Word this time. I think that's the final version now.