Title: Butterfly
Summary: "It's Sirius. It's always been Sirius. I'm sorry…I thought you knew." Remus Lupin and a love that was lost.
Rating: T, for angst and character death
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the fanon assumption that Sirius and Marlene have some sort of history
I retyped it very quickly and hadn't the inspiration to read through for spelling-errors. If you happen to find any, you can let me know and I'll be sure to correct them. Many thanks.
I've been playing around with a Remus Lupin chaptered story for years, but have finally come to the conclusion that it will never actually come to fruition. Oh well, I'm salvaging what parts of it I especially like. This included,
Butterfly
The whole order was invited.
Bright colored dress robes swirled across the floor. Candlelight glinted off jewelry and Lily's blindingly white dress.
Remus stood in the corner by the drink table, back pressed up against the wall. One hand was clutching his bottle of butterbeer (champagne would be served later with cake, but James and Lily wanted to keep anything stronger out of the reach of Sirius). Remus held his other hand pressed tightly against his leg. He felt a peculiar kind of twitching in his fingers and he fought the urge to tap them to the music.
His eyes roved the dancing couples, looking for her twilight-blue dress and red-roses wound in her hair. It was a pretty combination, picked out by Lily for the bridesmaids. Remus couldn't help but compliment her taste, not when it looked so becoming on Marlene.
He found her shuffling against the back wall, currently doing an awkward side-step with Peter. He came up to her chin and was looking exceptionally pleased with himself. She'd had a turn with everyone. People were queuing for her pleasure almost more than they were Lily's.
But that wasn't strange when it came to Marlene. She had a certain vigor to her, and energy that almost seeped off the glowing fibers of her fingers - her own kind of magic - alluring, enticing, infectious.
Fabian and Gideon had each had her for a minute, Dumbledore took her for a spin around the room, and Sirius – Sirius kept butting in every other dance. Even James had taken a spin, when Sirius had stolen Lily – twirling her, red-faced, laughing, glowing away from her groom.
It was exceedingly odd to think of James as married.
Remus quietly swallowed his butterbeer and watched Marlene dance, burgundy curls washing over her shoulders. Her feet barely touched ground. She floated. She fluttered. He could imagine her sprouting wings.
Sirius swept her away yet again and together they tore across the dance floor. He dipped her and swung her out and spun her and people dodged out of the way, laughing. Sirius and Marlene were laughing. Everyone was laughing. Remus felt breath seep from his lips because Marlene was laughing.
"Your turn!" she called, spinning abruptly to a stop in front of Remus. Sirius sidled up. His hair was mussed, hands stuck casually in his pockets, sweat beginning to seep from beneath his best-man's tuxedo.
"Give it a whirl, Moony, why don't you."
"I don't dance," the words slipped off Remus's tongue quickly, because they were true. Marlene's eyes gleamed in the light. Her cheeks were flushed an impossibly warm red. Sweat beaded by her hairline, sticking strands of her hair to her forehead.
"What drivel, anyone can dance," she said.
"Don't be such a wet blanket, Moony."
She wrapped her fingers around his. He barely had time to set down his bottle of butterbeer before she dragged him away. Suddenly they were in the thick of things. Wildly moving bodies were pressed against his from all sides. Her arms were on his shoulders. Her eyes were smiling at his. She was so close. So close. He could smell the pressed sent of the flowers in her hair.
She was laughing and talking and he couldn't hear a word she said because her laugh was filling his eardrums, making it hard to think, chiming like bells…. She moved like fluid to the music, pulling him with her. Her hair bounced against her cheeks. Her eyes snapped, lively, enticing, thrilling…. He couldn't look away.
He's only been drunk once or twice, with James, Sirius, and Peter, but this is exactly what it felt like. He can't breathe. He can't think. He didn't know what was going on around him. He could feel that sloppy, goofy smile slip on his face and he could only hope she didn't notice, can't tell….
Can't tell his lost, utterly gone, painfully aware that she –
The music changes and Sirius cuts quickly back in. Remus feels as if he's emerging from an ice-crested lake after being under water for hours. He gasps for breath, sees the world around him clear, and wanders over to his spot by the wall he'd been in before. Funny, it seems so far away and lonely now.
He can feel his fingers tingling, where she held them in her own.
He watched Marlene dance. He watched as she's shunted to the side by Sirius, who'd dive-bombed the bridesmaids when Lily threw her bouquet. He watched as she raised her glass to James and Lily, smiling, glowing, the gentle curve of her jawline thrown into stark relief by the candles on the tabletop. He watched as she threw wedding cake at the back of Sirius's head, in retaliation for the frosting that weighed down a lock of her hair into her face.
He watched as she hugged Lily and James, wished them happiness, luck, much love, and hope. He watched her blow a kiss to Peter, who blushed, and shriek as Sirius chased her out the door.
James and Lily set out. Sirius had asked if he could kiss the bride and had proceeded to do so, dipping her to the floor and planted his lips full-on hers. James had almost jinxed him.
And then Remus, Peter, and Sirius were left the last there, to clean up. The reception hall was a mess. Paper napkins, bottles, streamer, flowers are crushed on the floor. Remus bends down to pick up a red rose that's near the door. It must have fallen out of her hair, when she was chased away by Sirius.
He held it to his nose when he was sure Peter and Sirius weren't looking. Peter is half-heartedly tossing litter into bins. Sirius has lolled into a chair with a plate of leftover cake. Remus swears he can still smell its scent even though it's been trampled black and starting to whither.
He slipped it in his pocket and feels it burn, like the way her fingers had when they wound themselves in his.
"Marlene, I –" He couldn't remember making the decision to speak. He couldn't remember what he'd come to say.
Marlene blinked up at him. She looked perfectly sweet and innocent, fairly curious and Remus thought almost angrily that she wasn't helping any. That buzzing in his ears, that choking feeling in his throat, all those paralyzing feelings he experienced when she looked at him, weren't helping any.
"Marlene I –" it happened again, that lump in his throat that rose whenever he tried to speak.
"I –" he swallowed. This was getting ridiculous. This was ridiculous.
He should give it up as a bad job and invent something out of the blue to say to her instead.
He tried to think of something out of the blue to say to her instead.
"I –" if only he could get passed the first word. "I – Marlene," his voice went up a perfect fifth.
"Marlene," this was stupid. So stupid. So pointless. She blinked at him and smiled, looking amused. His heart thumped painfully against his ribs.
Merlin, she was lovely.
"I – Marlene," Merlin, she was beautiful.
Merlin, he thought he loved her.
He heard the words spill off of his tongue, felt his lips move, the light vibration of the air as it rushed out of his mouth, "Marlene – I – love you – will you – marry me?"
Vaguely, in the back of his mind, he realized that that really was a very foolish sounded proposal. Then he realized that it had been him who had said it.
No. No. That hadn't been what he had wanted to say at all.
Marlene, first of all, I want to tell you how much I've grown to admire you, over these passed months. Well, years, really, but especially these last few months, while working in the Order. I know this a horrible to time to say this, what with the war and everything, but I can't hold it in any longer. Besides, Lily and James pulled it off and they're just fine….
Marlene, I love you, and want you to be my wife.
He had practiced it in front of the mirror, had mouthed it in the shower, run it over in his mind while he got dressed.
Marlene was still blinking at him.
Maybe she hadn't heard.
Merlin, please let her not to have heard.
But that would mean he'd have to say it all over again.
Slowly Remus began to realize something was wrong. Still Marlene didn't speak. In no outward appearance did she give the impression that something was wrong. But something was. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Remus could feel it. He could smell it. He could sense it in the throbbing, twisting lump stuck in his throat….
Marlene's eyes filled with tears.
This wasn't happening.
Couldn't possibly be happing.
Marlene hadn't – wasn't supposed to – shouldn't be crying.
The buzzing in Remus's ears got louder, obstructed his hearing until he could barely hear her as she finally spoke, mouth falling open in an ugly grimace of dismay:
"Oh, Remus."
She looked horrified.
"Remus –"
She looked tortured.
"You – you, poor, poor, thing."
She'd always been so empathetic, always felt other's hurts so keenly.
"I'm sorry."
Remus couldn't breathe.
"I'm so, so sorry."
Her lips were trembling. Remus felt his chest tear open and bleed.
"It's Sirius."
Blood trickled over his shirt like the tears down her cheeks.
"It's always been Sirius. I'm sorry…I thought you knew."
It took a moment for the force of the words to pierce his eardrum, tunnel into his mind and stick there, quivering like a spear thrown into the body of a beast.
It's Sirius…. I thought you knew.
Nothing mattered. Marlene didn't want him. Lovely, wonderful, angel Marlene didn't want Remus Lupin the werewolf. No, she preferred Sirius. Perfect Sirius Black had won. Perfect Sirius Black had won again.
"Oh, Remus, I'm sorry."
She looked wretched.
Pain staggered across her face. Remus felt blood pound in his ears, race in his veins. Somewhere through the agony whipping through his chest he recognized that he had stabbed her, had bludgeoned her in the stomach….
"Don't be. Please don't be. Forget it. It doesn't matter." Don't cry Marlene. Merlin, Marlene, don't cry because of him.
"I swear I thought you knew. I thought everyone knew." She was looking for an excuse because she felt guilty.
Anger roiled unexpectedly in Remus's gut. Let her feel guilty.
But no, not Marlene. Not beautiful, sweet, wonderful Marlene. He couldn't – wouldn't hurt her for anything.
She looked devastated. "I'm so sorry, Remus."
"It's fine. Perfectly fine. I'm sorry."
She looked unconvinced. She gasped through the tears slipping thickly down her face, making her voice jerk and tremble. "You – you're the last person I wanted to hurt, Remus. I'm so sorry. I had no idea –"
He didn't want her sympathy. Sympathy was what he got from people when they found out he was a werewolf. He didn't want sympathy from her. He didn't want sympathy from someone who said they couldn't love him.
Somehow his voice was still coming from his lips. Somehow it sounded so calm, so certain, and unconcerned: "It's fine. I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you."
He'd meant to say her name. Somehow he couldn't say her name.
Silence crushed his shoulders, the weight of the ceiling as it came crashing down. He staggered under the burden. Tears still poured down Marlene's face, making her eyes glow as they had at James and Lily's wedding, when she'd been so full of energy and joy….
He couldn't look at her. He couldn't bear those eyes another second. He felt his ankles turn so that his back replaced his front and he was suddenly staring at the wall. Against the wall. To the side.
But this time he couldn't even watch her.
He heard as she muffled a sob in the crook of her elbow and rushed from the room.
Somehow he never managed to see her again. She missed the next Order meeting. He missed the one after that. He was glad, at the time, because he hadn't thought he'd been able to face her. He wondered if, perhaps, she might cry again.
Afterward he wished he'd been able to meet those glowing, piercing, stinging eyes just one last time.
They found her dead, Moody and Dorcas. Her house was in shambles and the rest of her family had been strewn by her side.
Marlene had always been one for family. Nothing had ever come before blood, where Marlene was concerned. And she had had plenty of it, too, plenty of family. Three brothers, two sisters, half still in Hogwarts but the rest already with families of their own.
All of them were dead now. Some sort of a reunion.
Remus and James had had to drag Sirius out of the bar, when they'd finally found his motorbike crashed in the alley outside. Afterward Remus went to his room very quietly without anyone realizing he had gone, and shuffled through the top drawer of his dresser to pull out that bit of dried, blackened flower that had once been in her hair.