I didn't cry when I found out that Padfoot was dead. It was too much of a shock to me. I did write this piece because of his death, though. Sirius/Remus is my favorite HP slash pairing, so I felt compelled to write about Moony's feelings on the subject.
Disclaimer: I don't own it. The Harry Potter series, or the song. Which is very good. You should listen to it, if you can. It's called "Kimi Ga Iru" and it's sung by Tomokazu Seki.
Warning: This is not a happy fic. It's also one-sided slash of the R/S variety. You no like, you no read. To everyone else, enjoy!
---You Are ---
The rain drums steadily on the windowpanes as I stare out at the street below. This weather suits my mood, the distant roll of thunder punctuating my dark, unhappy thoughts like so many commas and exclamation points.
Sometimes, if I turn and look back
To where your unchanging smile was,
Both on the day when I stood still after walking to exhaustion
And on the day of that small delight,
The fact that the full moon is just ahead only serves to depress me further. I would dread the coming time of month anyway, but now I have the added sorrow of my memories. Memories of times when, even before the Wolfsbane Potion, my transformations were bearable. Enjoyable, even.
It was his idea. I knew it, though he never knew that I found out. Prongs told me, halfway through our sixth year. It made me happy to know that he cared enough to do something like that for my sake, though knowing Sirius, it may have been the rules that had to be broken that excited him. He always was that way...
When you taught me a love
That couldn't be carried in my two hands alone...
I think that was when I really fell in love with him. The day that James told me that Sirius was the one to suggest that they become Animagi for me. I had always liked him quite a bit, though my feelings didn't grow beyond friendship until our fourth year.
He was handsome. Half the female population of Hogwarts openly lusted after him. Quite a few male students had been known to look up when he walked by, as well. He was extremely smart. He would have gotten top marks in his classes if he'd thrown himself into his schoolwork the way he worked to perfect his practical jokes.
But that wasn't why I liked him. Loved him. I knew the real Sirius Black, the one who cheered us up when we failed a test, the one who surprised us on Christmas with charmed decorations, the one who helped us devise cunning strategies to repay the Slytherins for their taunts. The one who cried with me over the death of my owl in third year.
Ah, still that warmly, so tenderly
Reawakened breeze
Keeps on blowing through
With the same kind of radiance it had on that day.
I never told him. I'm a coward, you see, underneath my calm exterior. I couldn't bear his inevitable rejection. I knew he was straight.
Not only did half the female population of Hogwarts lust over him, most of them got to be with him. For a date or two, that is. Padfoot was famous for never staying with anyone longer than two weeks, and yet, this only made girls flock to him faster. Each of them seemed to think that she would be the one to change him, to make him settle down.
I knew better. Sirius could never be tamed.
The depth of guilt of that which betrays,
The strength of belief in each other,
The countless noons and nights-
I take these things into my heart before I go.
Even after years in Azkaban, he was still Sirius. Not the same Sirius, but recognizable under the hollow eyes and the long, matted hair.
I hate to think of those years. Years when I had forced myself to believe that Sirius was guilty, that my beloved Padfoot had done such horrible things. I had to make myself believe. It was the only way I kept from rushing to Azkaban myself and demanding that he be let out, never mind that no one trusts a werewolf.
Thinking that Sirius was guilty was the only way that I kept from killing myself. I could never have survived, thinking of Padfoot as innocent and doomed. Never to return.
On the road of meetings and partings,
While we're being hurt, we keep on walking, don't we?
But now...now Sirius really is gone. Forever. And I can barely see the point. It's damn lonely being the only living Marauder. Wormtail is dead. The cringing wreck of a man that now serves Voldemort is not the friend that we studied and laughed and pulled off our schemes with. I need a good reason to go on living my lonely life...because I know I have to keep on. Sirius wouldn't want me to throw it all away.
There is Harry. Harry needs support too, as much as I do. Maybe more. He lost the only father he ever really had. Maybe...maybe we can help each other.
Ah, now that warmly, so tenderly
Reawakened breeze
Keeps gazing at the lonely sky
And smiling down on me
Still with the same radiance it had on that day;
I keep waving my hand
At the everlasting memory of you.
Thunder crashes, much closer than before, sending anyone unlucky enough to be out on the street running for cover. With a sigh, I let the curtain drop. I don't feel happier, exactly, but I'm not as worn out as before. I remember now that there is someone who shares my pain, in a way.
I wish I could have said goodbye to Sirius. Maybe then I could have told him how I really felt, how I'd felt for years, and will feel for all the rest of my life...but I probably wouldn't have been able to. And now...now I find myself unable to let go. I can't forget him, and I don't want to. I will live with this pain forever, but somehow, I don't mind. The more I hurt, the more I'll know that I love him.
Even though all of my pain will never let him know it...
--owari--
Er.::cough:: "The End".
I hope you all liked it! If you did, please review! (or even if you didn't like it, constructive criticism is always welcomed. Flames, however, will be laughed at and used to toast marshmallows. Or cook ramen. Whatever.) You will have my gratitude.
The song "Kimi Ga Iru" or "You Are" was originally in Japanese. A big thankyou to animelyrics.com for the translation!
The Japanese lyrics are below.
furikaereba itsudatte
kawaranu kimi no egao ga atta
arukitsukare tachidomaru hi mo
chiisa na yorokobi no hi mo
kono ryoute ni kakaekirenai
ai wo oshiete kureta
Ah atatakaku sotto yasashiku
yomigaeru kaze wa
mada ano hi no mama no mabushisa de
fukinukete yuku yo
uragiru koto no tsumibukasa wo
shinjiaeru koto no tsuyosa wo
kazoekirenu hiru to yoru wo
mune ni shimatteyukou...
wakare to deai no michi wo
kizutsukinagara bokura wa aruiteyuku n' da ne
Ah atatakaku sotto yasashiku
yomigaeru kaze wa
ima hitori sora wo mitsumeteru
boku ni hohoendeiru
mada ano hi no mama no mabushisa de
te wo futteiru kimi wa everlasting memory