Justin, do you know?
Do you know I love you? More than I should?
Do you know I dream about you?
Do you know I hate myself for it?
Do you know Justin? Do you know?
It's another boring wizard lesson, you're being a goody two shoes, Max, as usual, has no idea what's going on and I'm too busy fantasing about incest to care what my dad is trying to teach us.
"Alex! Pay attention!" you scold. I ignore you. You nudges me. I clench my teeth but ignore you. You put your hand up. I roll my eyes. You yell "Alex is day dreaming again!" and I punch you in the arm. You respond with a yelp of pain and glare at me.
"Zip it nimrod, you want to learn, I get it, but I don't, and why should you want me too? The more I learn, the easier it'll be for me to win the competition, idiot" You smile awkwardly and go back to paying attention to dad, and I go back to ignoring dad and day dreaming about you. I wonder what you think I'm day dreaming about? I wonder if you even care.
Justin, do you know?
Do you know what Harper told me today? She told me Miranda looks like me.
Did you know that? Do you think that?
Does something deep down inside your subconscience like me the way I like you?
Do you know I was jealous?
Do you know I hated her?
Do you know I hated Juliet the same way?
Do you know Justin? Do you know?
Miranda came up to me at school today, she asked me about your new girlfriend.
"So, who is she? I hear Justin still has a thing for older girls, how old is she?" I hesitate to answer, I want to tell her she's an old hag, because really... Maybe people will laugh at you and you'll dump her to keep your rep, but I know you won't, you don't even have a rep.
"She's a college chick, out of towner, her parents just moved here to open a sanwich shop" I explain. She tilts her head in confusion.
"Oh yeah, I went there the other day, she looks like she should be in high school though?" Actually Miranda, you've graduated, what are you even doing here?
"... Aren't you in college? So why are you hanging around here?" I don't like her, I don't want to talk to her. She shrugs. My first thought is pedophile, just like Juliet.
"Well, whatever. She... Uh... She just looks younger than she is, she's a couple years older than you actually" I tell her. She's a pedophile. She's disgusting, Miranda. Just like you.
"Cool, are you guys friends?" No. I'll try to act like I like her, because I want you to be happy, but I hate her.
"Yeah, she's really cool... Uh... Seriously though, why are you here?" Miranda laughs.
"I'm picking up my little sister, she's about the same age as Max I think" I smile. I still hate you Miranda, just because you aren't a pedophile doesn't mean I like you any more. You dated Justin. I hate you for that. I wonder if you know I hate Miranda? I wonder if you even care.
Justin, do you know?
Do you know I heard you and her?
Do you know... it turned me on?
Do you know she sounds like me when she moans?
Do you know I loved hearing you screaming, moaning and grunting like that?
Do you know Justin? Do you know?
I'm lying in bed, she's over here tonight, she in your room, I'm trying to sleep, but I'm too busy being bitter. Suddenly I hear her. She moaning, Justin. Why is she moaning? I hear a rythmic banging.
"Justin! Oh god, Justin!" I know why she's moaning. I can hear you grunting. I... I like the noise. I wish it were me under you... (or over you) I'm becoming wet Justin, to your voice. I want you. I have this urge to touch myself now. God Justin... Those noises you're making... Oh god... Justin... I slide my panties off my legs slowly and press my finger to my clitoris, honestly, I'm embarrassed, I know you can't see me, but I have this image of you looking at me, telling me what to do. I hear someone coming to my room, I hurry to get dressed and hide under the covers again. You open the door and ask if I've seen your condoms.
"Why the hell would you need condoms?" I scoff. You look flustered.
"You can just say you haven't seen them! Sheesh!" you yell, storming away. I'm staring at your ass while you walk away.
I wonder if you know how you make me feel? I wonder if you even care.
Justin, do you know?
Do you know I hate you?
Do you know I want you dead?
Do you know I want to kill myself?
Do you know it's all your fault?
Do you know I cry myself to sleep?
Do you know I want to scream and bleed when I see you?
Do you how fucked up and fragile I am because of you?
Justin... Do you know about any of this? Do you know anything about me anymore?
Do you how much I wish you loved me?
Do you know Justin? Oh god... Please tell me you know! Please tell you feel the same!
I can barely take this... I hate myself for it. I hate you for it. I hate my parents for giving birth to us. I hate Harper for not hating you. I hate Max for being in the way. I hate everyone...
I close my journal and stuff it under my pillow, I dreamt about you last night Justin.
"Alex, mum made waffles!" I run downstairs and smile for the family (and Harper).
"Hey Alex! Did you do your algebra homework?" Harper, Harper, Harper, do you know me at all?
"Psh, yeah ri-" I catch my parents staring at me. I grin awkwardly.
"Yeah, right, I did it, I totally did it" I try, you roll your eyes at me, your beautiful eyes. I kick you under the table, I guffaw at your reaction. You start yelling at me and I yell in return, I love your voice.
That night, I cry. I cry because everything is so normal, so average. Because everyone else is the way they should be, and I'm not. And do you know why, Justin? Because of you. It's all your fucking fault. I fucking hate you Justin. I can hear you in your room, you're talking to your self... I grab my pillow and press it on top of my face. I imagine it's you. I imagine I'm kissing you. I imagine your lips are softer than this though, I imagine they feel better. Do you love me Justin? Do you love me like I love you? Could some small part of you feel the same? Miranda looked like me, Juliet acted like me, Harper is my best friend, every girl you've ever liked... Some part of you must love me. Some part... No matter how much you ignore it.
Do you know Justin... That I love you? That I'll always love you? That I'll pretend to love every girlfriend you ever get because I love you? Because I want you to be happy Justin... Because I love you...
Do you know that?
A/N
Wow. Alex is really OOC here. :/ well, sort of. She's OOC on the inside, she's herself on the outside.
I don't know why I wrote this, or why I almost started crying while writing it. I guess the situation hits a little close to home right now (not the incest part)... I had this idea for a while, it was festering in my mind so I hate to write it. It was written really fast just to get it out of my head, so it's not that good. (The original involved Alex suffocating Justin with his pillow, this was changed because... well... it's a bit much, isn't it? So it's not as bad as it was before.)
Lol, I totally cheated you guys out of sex scene, didn't I? Well, I added more... details to the third scene... Gimme a break, I've never even kissed anyone :( Stuff like that isn't my forte, I just deal with angst and self hatred. Anyways, enjoy it :3