"Do you care to explain to me why you left me alone with the Dursleys for ten fucking years without so much as checking on me?"
"It was for your safety," Dumbledore replied serenely.
"My SAFETY? They BEAT ME ON A DAILY BASIS! Vernon and Dudley RAPED ME REPEATEDLY! I can never wear short sleeves because of all the times my aunt put cigarettes out on my arms!"
"It was for your safety," Dumbledore repeated.
"...Are you INSANE? Do you know how many trips to the emergency room I had to undergo? I can't count the number of times the police took me away, only for you to show up, obliviate them, and put me back with the Dursleys!"
"It was for your safety."
Harry cursed and reducto-ed the desk between them. "You are FULL OF SHIT!" Harry roared. "All you had to do was give me the ring which marked me as the heir of not only the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter, but those of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Merlin, Beaubaxton, Durmstrang, and Azkaban! That would have given me more power in my little finger than GOD!"
"It was for your safety."
"ENOUGH!" Harry rushed forward and stuck his wand under Dumbledore's chin. "You have one last chance to explain why my life's been a living hell. Why I HAD to stay with the Dursleys, why you hid the proof of Sirius' innocence, why you kept all these secrets from me, and got everybody I ever loved killed, including my wives Hermione, Ginny, Padma, Patil, Luna, Tonks, Fleur, Gabrielle, Cho, Marietta, Daphne, Pansy, Millicent, Katie, Angelina, Blaise, Draca, Susan, Hannah, and Myrtle! Because of you, the Wizarding World is teetering on the edge of extinction! The Muggles got into a nuclear war and wiped themselves out! The sun is going to EXPLODE in a matter of months! WHY? WHY?"
Dumbledore blinked, and calmly replied, "The greater good."
The rage in Harry cascaded into a focal point, reached critical mass, and exploded. "REDUCTO!" he cried out, nearly rupturing his voice box, so loud was the cry.
Albus Dumbledore's head vanished into a fine mist of...straw? "What the hell?" Harry said. He looked inside Dumbledore's neck-hole, and saw more straw. "What the fuck?" Harry said, even more puzzled. He reached in, dug around, and pulled out a big handful of...even more straw. "He was a strawman. A literal man made of straw." Harry shrugged and left the office. Behind him, the pile of straw that used to be the headmaster continued parroting the phrases "It was for your safety," and "The greater good," courtesy of the tape recorder embedded into its chest.
XXXX
After reading the millionth "manipulative" Dumbledore fic in which Dumbles is a blithering moron who can't actually justify his actions to Harry, I decided to write this, and lampoon a few other tropes that tend to cluster up anyway.
-Dumbledore's machinations for the 'greater good' actually causing a bigger shitstorm than he was trying to prevent.
-Harry being the heir to a who's who of ancient and powerful wizards.
-'Noble and Ancient House' being used to describe an old family of great power, instead of being what it probably was, Sirius sarcastically giving props to his family.
-Harem Harry.
-Draco being turned into a woman.