The flash of a blade, and a shrill voice cried, "THIEF!"
All commotion in the inn died out as every head turned. At a table in the center of the tap room, a rooster had sprung from his chair to alight upon the backboard. His long sweeping tail feathers were shiny black with faint glimmers of purple and green when the light caught them. He wore a costly robe of similar hue to match his inky plumage, and a sword of obviously expensive make dangled at his waist. Several other roosters dressed in similar style came to their feet around him, bright yellow eyes clapped upon a bewildered pig waitress who stood transfixed by the sight of a dagger hovering before her snout.
"Who approaches us?!" the head rooster squawked as he leveled that deadly implement at the unfortunate server. "Back, brigand! I'll take a hoof for your pernicious thievery! You'll not find us wanting!"
Realizing that everyone in the inn was now staring at her, the waitress glanced about in search of aid before stammering, "Sir, I… only wanted to tell you about our specials!"
Those great round eyes blinked at her. "Ah… we shall have six bowls of rice." A moment later the flighty fowl had retaken his seat with all outward appearance of calm. "Stand down, men. The threat is past."
His followers removed wings from their sword hilts and settled back. In the meantime the hostess had beat a hasty retreat. "It was a close thing, Sir Tuk Luk," one of them offered.
"Yes, your swift reaction no doubt prevented us from being taken advantage of," another nodded sagaciously.
"Remain on guard, men," Officer Tuk Luk declared as his suspicious eyes scanned the busy hostelry. "As agents of the imperial exchequer, we can allow no lawless rogues to take advantage of us in the performance of our duties. We must set a good example so the people have no reason to doubt the will of heaven!"
They all bobbed their heads in agreement, red combs flapping in unison. Meanwhile the other customers had gone back to their meals. Chatter resumed. The evening was cool, the inn was warm, and soon enough their little fracas was a thing of the past.
"Uh, 'scuse me?"
Tuk Luk once more leapt from his seat with blade in hand. "WHO GOES THERE?!"
An alligator wearing a bulky robe of rough-spun peasant wool snorted at finding itself held at knifepoint but did not back away. "Uh, yeah, I just, like, wanted to bring you guys some rocks to help digest your meal?"
He held out a bowl filled with small pebbles. Tuk Luk eyed this offering mistrustfully before turning his glare upon the big reptile. "You are not our server! Our server was a pig!"
"Yeah, uh, you sorta scared her silly, so I had to take over until she calms down. That okay?" The crocodile again proffered the bowl.
The group of roosters did not try to conceal their suspicion. "How do we know they're not poisoned?!" one of them demanded.
The server's eyes narrowed. "Wow, really?" So saying he proceeded to pluck a handful of stones and popped them into his long fanged jaws, swallowing audibly. "Satisfied?"
Tuk Luk and his men relaxed. The croc waiter looked between them and sighed. "Hey, no biggie, I understand. It's tax season, you've got a job to do, can't be too careful."
He then went about distributing chopsticks to each of the diners while continuing to chat. "Y'know, cuz it's like, crocodiles need to eat rocks too just like you guys. We can't chew our food either. I heard chickens and lizards are actually related, you buy that? Weird, right?" Then he threw a glance at Tuk Luk and asked in a casual tone, "So, uh… can I ask how you'll be paying?"
The avian official cast a decidedly cool look at this cold-blooded menial, puffing out his chest feathers as he did. At the same time one wing dipped to the sash around his waist and came up with a heavy wooden seal securely knotted by a length of silk. Carved in artfully painted detail on its surface was a chrysanthemum blossom along with the title of Royal Tax Collector.
"We are agents of the crown," he stated, letting his badge of office drop down to dangle once again. "You may remit the bill to the Office of the Minister of Finance. Bear in mind, it shall be compared against a list of all establishments we have made use of during our rounds this year!"
"Oh. Okay. Cool." The bulky reptile leaned in and placed the bowl before them, his ungainly body squeezing between Tuk Luk and one of his men. "Sorry, 'scuse me, lemme just put this… right here, and…"
"Have a care, lizard!" the tax collector snapped, nettled. His wing swept down to convulsively seize hold of the silken band at his belt to make certain it did not disappear.
Beneath the sightline of anyone at that table, however, a pair of small scaled hands emerged from a gap in the crocodile's robe. They extended out to gently grasp the seal dangling on Tuk Luk's sash, which they then pressed with great care into a square dish of moist clay. After a few seconds this unseen figure let go of the seal and withdrew back out of sight with absolutely no one being the wiser.
Straightening up, the croc stepped back and grinned at them. "There! Okay, your food will be out soon, gentlemen. Thanks for your patronage."
He genuflected in utmost subservience while shuffling backwards. None of the roosters paid him any more mind. After a bit the servant rose up and shambled towards the rear of the inn. He passed the pig waitress from before, who threw him a questioning look before heading by with the orders of rice. Eventually the croc made his way to a shadowy corner near a window where he leaned against the wall.
"We cool?" he whispered.
From beneath his robe the dwarf crocodile Wong emerged. He held up the dish of clay in which was now impressed a perfect duplicate of the royal seal.
"Awesome!" The superior saurian snatched up his prize. "My brilliant plan is coming together!" He then knocked on the wall casually, and upon hearing an answering knock, held up the dish near the window. Another scaly claw reached in and accepted this item before withdrawing. Now, to make his escape before anything could go wrong.
"Hey, Fung?"
The leader of the croc bandits froze. One eye rotated up to fasten on another member of his gang peering through the open window.
"Darn it, Gahri!" he hissed. "Get back to base! We don't have time for–"
"I just thought you'd want to know that the Dragon Warrior's here."
Fung blinked. "Say what now?"
"I smell noodles," Po took a deep breath, his belly already starting to rumble. "Sichuan… extra spicy, maybe a little heavy on the dried wood fungus." His eyes opened and he pointed eagerly down the street. "This way!"
"Woah, there!" A clawed foot caught him by the trousers before he could bolt off. Looking back, the portly panda found himself being restrained by his ally Master Crane, who was giving him an exasperated look under the brim of his straw hat.
"Po, we ate along the way." This gentle admonishment came from lower to the ground, where Master Viper now sidled up to her comrades. The slender green serpent indicated around this small hamlet nestled on a bend of the river where they found themselves. "Our first priority is to find the tax caravan. You can get something to eat afterwards."
The Dragon Warrior moaned like a chastised child. "But we've been walking all day!" he complained bitterly. "Seriously, it feels like my stomach is trying to eat its way out of me in search of some food!"
"Escort duty is important too, Po. Come on now, let's go." Viper nudged his leg with her head before slithering down the street. Crestfallen, the big fighter followed in her wake, taking note of the stalls selling fish and other trade goods along the waterfront.
"Just be careful around these guys, okay?" Crane admonished them as he caught up on his long stilt legs. "Royal tax collectors are jittery as a rule, what with all that money making them a prime target for bandits. And apparently these ones are roosters. " He shook his head in exasperation. "I've known a few. Believe me, you will never meet a more self-important species. They think the sun needs their permission to rise."
"They should be waiting for us at the docks. It's not far." Viper led the way, and her allies took up pace behind. The sun was far below the horizon, making the cold-blooded martial artist feel sluggish. She had long trained to combat this natural tendency. All the same, a selfish side of her hoped these imperial envoys would choose to bed down for the night rather than continue on their way. She would prefer to be rested and refreshed after this long day's travel. They could guide the tax collectors on their rounds through the Valley of Peace tomorrow before passing them off to the next stage of their journey. And truth be told, her own stomach was making its complaints known, though nowhere near as loud as Po's gargantuan rumblings. Viper caught herself eyeing a rat scuttling along the roadside and had to fight the impulse to go after it. Another hereditary trait.
At last they came upon the waterfront. A few boats were tied up at the shoreline with sails furled as sailors loaded and unloaded merchandise. Lamps were being lit all down the street. Colorful streamers hung from posts everywhere that danced in the breeze coming off the river. The trio of fighters paused to look around. It was Po, the tallest among them, who gave a shout and gestured excitedly down the way. "Hey! I see them! And I think there's a restaurant right over there too! Sweet!"
Viper looked where indicated, trying to see through the press of legs and feet that obstructed her vision. Mostly she had nothing to complain about in terms of her body. But there were times that even a proud member of the snake family had to admit that being just a little taller wouldn't be considered a betrayal of the species.
Then a glimpse of feathers came clear. Fifty feet away from them a small group of armed roosters crouched around a wagon laden with chests and precious goods. Even through the press Viper had no trouble picking up on how uneasy these avian guards seemed. They jumped whenever anyone got too close, and one of them nearly drew a sword before being restrained by another of his fellows. Crane was right. It was best to approach such agitated souls with caution.
"Gangway, official business coming through!"
The earth shook, and then Po was shouldering his way through the crowd on a beeline straight for the rooster guards. "Po, stop!" she called out, but the hubbub surrounding this busy port drowned out her voice. Viper took off in pursuit. Hooves and paws bore down on her from all sides, their owners not noticing the slinky reptile dodging about at their feet. Hindered by this gauntlet of limbs, she could have hissed in frustration. She saw Crane hopping along to one side, unwilling to take flight for fear of startling their targets. That was a smart move. Already Viper had a good idea what would happen next if they didn't stop Po.
A few seconds later, her worst fears were realized. "HEY!" their exuberant colleague shouted over the tumult of commerce. "Hey, tax guys, we're here! It's the Jade Palace people, right here!"
Horrified, Viper picked out the roosters turn. She knew what they must be seeing: a huge enemy bearing down on them yelling wildly. Sure enough, one of the younger cocks' eyes went wide, beak dropping open as he screamed…
"RACCOON!"
Eh?
"Raccoon!" The other guards drew their swords in response. "Giant raccoon! Thief! Burglar! Bandit! HELP!"
By this time Po had slowed to a halt. The sight of sharpened steel being leveled at him had very few interpretations, after all, none of them good. "Raccoon? Hey, I'm not a raccoon, I'm a…"
"CHARGE!"
The roosters flew forward, people in the crowd screamed, and with a silent curse Viper leapt into the fray.
Dragon Warrior? HERE!? Why?
Fung snapped out of his shock to find Wong tugging on his robe. The little lizard then indicated towards the front door. Looking down, the bandit leader nodded. Both crocs then began to creep along the wall towards their exit.
Just gotta get out. Got what we came for. Now it's time to split! We'll beat feet before Po even knows we're here!
He was almost to the door, when from outside the inn a loud voice crowed, "HELP!"
"TO ARMS!"
With a clatter of chairs and bowls flying, Tuk Luk and his party were on their feet. They began shouting and brandishing their weapons, heads jerking around in search of a target. Finally the head tax collector got their attention long enough to point with his sword and shout, "Outside! Our comrades need us!"
And with that the roosters raced towards the exit.
"Darn it!" Fung cursed and sped ahead of them.
Outside all was in chaos. There were people running and screaming everywhere. Momentarily at a loss, Fung threw off his robe and looked wildly around before darting towards the harbor. The river! Just get to the river before anybody spots you! He could see Wong already making a beeline towards the water, and Fung followed in hot pursuit moments before the roosters came stampeding out of the inn. People knocked into him on all sides. The crooked carnivore lowered his shoulder and plowed on through, relying on his heavier body to make it past antelopes, sheep and pigs who were trying to flee the scene.
So intent was he on escaping what came behind him that he failed to notice the press thinning. Suddenly there were no more people around. Caught off guard by the lack of resistance, he stumbled over his own feet and fell forward with a cry to land flat on his stomach.
Groaning, Fung looked up. Before him roosters in all different colors flapped and dove through the air swinging spears and swords. They chased after anything that moved no matter their stripe, be it sailor, townsfolk or merchant. Yet no matter where they went, three different but distinct shapes moved to intercept them, allowing their terrified targets to escape. One was a great black and white panda who despite his bulk moved with unnerving agility to ward off any blows and send the frantic fowl sailing away. The second proved to be another feathered form who took to the air with unmatched skill and determination as he knocked down any arrows or flapping guards, making his avian opponents seem like pigs with wings by comparison. The last registered to Fung's eyes mainly as a green flash that disappeared if he tried to focus on it, leaving roosters reeling to the ground in its wake.
The area around this battle had largely been cleared of civilians, allowing the combatants to concentrate more on one another. It occurred to Fung that he might want to stay low in order to avoid being noticed by either side. So resolved, he started to scuttle towards the promise of safety. Ahead of him was the harbor's edge. Almost there! If he could just make it into the water he'd be home free!
Unaware of the retreating criminal, Po leapt atop the cart which the roosters had been guarding as he fended off three armed attackers. In doing so, he dislodged several chests which fell to the ground. One of them split open, and coins went spilling across the flagstones. Instinctively Fung turned at the sound of free money, to spy Wong trotting determinedly along not ten feet behind him. To his dismay, the dwarf croc looked at the spilled wealth shining at his feet, calmly bent down and proceeded to scoop up handfuls of coins and cradle them against his chest.
A rooster fighting Po atop the cart turned upon hearing metal pinging on stone, spied the tiny croc busily collecting his haul, and sprang towards him with blade raised. "HALT, THIEF!"
Fury awoke in Fung's heart. All thought of escape vanished. Close at hand he noticed a discarded boat hook used to guide crafts into the docks. Snatching it up he leapt forward and thrust the wooden pole forward, managing to deflect the blade on its haft and prevent his ally from being skewered. "Get away from him!" he cried.
Wong finally noticed the fate he had narrowly avoided and dropped his haul before tearing off fast as his little legs could carry him. Moments later he had disappeared into the river with a splash. The rooster turned to face Fung, who realized his opponent was none other than Tuk Luk. There was no similar recognition as the enraged officer merely swung again and again, all the while uttering shouts of, "BRIGAND! REBEL! ROBBER!"
He slashed and stabbed with the speed of a hungry bird snapping up seed. Frantically Fung gave ground before him as he attempted to parry the maddened but no less skillful soldier with his boat hook. The peril of the situation seemed to hit all at once, and fear actually served to bolster his reaction time, allowing him to jerkily ward off the deadly saber on his improvised weapon. But at the same time he knew his luck would not last. Darn it, where was the Dragon Warrior when you really needed him?!
True to form, even as he thought this his heel came down on some loose coins. Before Fung knew it his feet had slid out from under him and he landed on his back with an, "Oomph!"
"DIE, REBEL SCUM!"
Peering up at the sky trying to catch his breath, Fung gave another, "Oomph!" as something landed on his chest. Tuk Luk placed one clawed foot on his throat to hold him down and raised his sword over the struggling crocodile.
Fung's life flashed before his eyes, and the blade fell.
A vicious spear thrust aimed at Master Viper only managed to stab a now empty stretch of road. By that point she had already slithered up the wooden shaft quick as a flash and struck the rooster right below the beak. He collapsed without a sound, and the limber martial artist landed by his body to quickly survey the situation.
Po and Crane were holding their own against the remaining royal guardsmen, who numbered no more than six by this point. The rest were stretched out groaning on the street. Together they had managed to subdue the panicky poultry before anyone could get hurt. If they could just stop the fighting long enough to try and get a word in edgewise, it might be enough to halt this senseless battle. With that Viper sped forth towards the heart of the fight.
"DIE, REBEL SCUM!"
Only then did she spy another rooster off from the rest. He had pinned a helpless crocodile down and was just preparing to deliver a killing blow. Viper saw all she needed to and reached a decision. They were too far away even for someone of her speed to reach them. Po and Crane were occupied with their own opponents.
But the wily serpent had already found a solution. Long red streamers flew all around the waterfront. Some lay limp having been cut down in the battle. Viper selected one of appropriate length. Snatching its lagging end with her tail, she snapped this festive flail forward like a whip. The bright band of crimson flew fast as fire to wrap swiftly around the rooster's wing. Even as he swung she sprang into the air and gave a yank that caused the black bird to go spinning off balance, his weapon flying from feathered fingertips.
At the same time Viper sped on the attack. She used her leap to close half the remaining distance between them, then bunched her coiled body beneath her and launched forward like a spring. Her skull plowed into the rooster's stomach, and even as the breath left his body she had already twisted in midair to deliver a pinpoint strike with her tail right on his chin. The glossy black buzzard went windmilling away out over the river, emitting a choked "BU-CAW!" before receiving a well-deserved dunking.
Satisfied, Viper landed on the poor crocodile's chest. She reared up to rise above the tip of his long snout. "Are you okay, sir?" she asked with concern.
"Humminah humminah humminah!" was all the yellow-eyed reptile could manage, staring at her while his toothy jaws worked up and down.
"Stay down, we'll protect you." So saying, the deadly dancer slithered off him and returned to the fray.
Fung turned his head to gaze after her departing form. Unnoticed by him, two more crocodiles had emerged from the riverbank and now swiftly pulled their fallen leader into the stream before anyone could spot them.
"Fung? Are ya hurt, Fung?"
The cool water served to rouse him, and he found himself flanked by Irwin and Wall-Eye, two other members of his gang. After a second of treading water Fung declared, "Let's go." With that the three crocs slunk away from the battle under cover of dusk.
"We are not BANDITS! I'm Po, the Dragon Warrior! We're your escorts from the Jade Palace!"
"Ah… well met, Dragon Warrior. I am Tuk Luk of the Department of Finance and these are my comrades."
A dripping wet Tuk Luk bobbed his red comb politely. Around him the rest of his company put up their weapons and followed suit, clasping fist to palm in a traditional gesture of respect. The fighting had died down when most of the roosters noticed their leader flapping about in the river and gone to his aid. Now thoroughly bedraggled, their fine robes sodden with water and looking like they had been caught in a particularly nasty rainstorm, the imperial tax collectors stood arrayed before a much dryer but far more aggravated Po.
"We have rented rooms in the inn for the evening," the head rooster announced. "Please join us. Tomorrow we will continue through the Valley of Peace. It should take no more than two days to reach our next rendezvous, after which your duty will be complete. We appreciate you seeing to our safety in the performance of our rounds, warriors of the Jade Palace." He then swept by them with an impressive air of dignity, his troops following along and extending their own sincere thanks as they proceeded back into the inn.
Po stood dumbfounded. After that completely unprovoked and potentially disastrous confrontation, they were acting like it had never happened! He scratched his hairy belly in deliberation and exchanged a glance with his comrades. "I warned you," Crane threw out while examining his hat for any damage, at last being satisfied and replacing it back upon his head. "Roosters."
"At least no one was hurt," Viper volunteered brightly. "Though I think we should keep an eye on these guys. They don't seem very stable." She then slithered into the bright pool of yellow light pouring out the front of the inn before turning to regard her fellow masters with a smile. "Come on, boys. At the very least we can look forward to a hot meal and a good night's sleep, right? That's something."
In response Po's stomach gave a grumble. His face lit up at the prospect of food. "Well, in that case I suppose all's forgiven. C'mon, let's head in there and make sure–"
"CUTTHROATS!"
There came a crash from within, following by screaming.
"Worst assignment ever," the Dragon Warrior muttered, and led his partners inside at a run.
"Hey, Fung… is everything all right?"
Sitting on the porch of his house, Fung left off gazing up at the stars. His second-in-command Gahri hovered at his elbow, regarding the bandit leader with a measure of concern. The two crocs looked at one another for a while. At last Fung returned his attention to the night sky. "Yeah."
"Uhhh…" Gahri rubbed his arm nervously. "I only ask because… well, we got the badge now, right? You used the imprint Wong made to bake a copy from clay. It's all set and everything, and it looks real good! Wall-Eye's painting it, he's got an eye for that detailed stuff. Pretty soon it'll be just like the real thing and nobody could tell the difference!"
"Uh-huh." Fung's eyes drifted across the heavens contemplatively.
"Sooo… shouldn't we get started on the plan?"
"What plan?"
"The plan. Your plan!" Gahri fidgeted from one foot to another, not liking this distressing change of focus in his boss. Fung hadn't thrown his hat or yelled at them even once since coming back from the mission yesterday, which was highly out of character for him. "You had this idea last year, and we've been getting ready ever since! We dress up as the tax collectors and go from village to village before the real ones do. Nobody really knows us outside the Valley of Peace, and with these uniforms we got and this fake seal, who's gonna say no? So they just give us all the tax money! It was a good plan! Really, your best ever! So, I mean… shouldn't we get going while they're still in the Valley?"
Fung did not speak. After a while, though, his jaws opened, and he stood up. "Gahri, something's happened to me."
The other croc cocked his head to one side. "Are you hurt? Or sick?"
"Sick? Nah." And with that the bandit leader turned a big smile on his compatriot. "I'm in love."
"Oh."
For a time neither of them spoke. During this interlude, however, Gahri's face scrunched in on itself, twisting and contorting as thoughts passed through his brain. Then finally when he felt that things had settled down enough in terms of higher reasoning he asked, "Huh?"
"I can't explain it. I thought for sure I was gonna die back there. Then all I could see were these two great big beautiful eyes, and I thought, 'Wow, I'm dead! This must be heaven!' Only it wasn't. She was sitting on my chest. And she looked right at me! With those amazing eyes blue as the sky. And those scales! You shoulda seen them, Gahri, they were so smooth, you've never felt scales like that!"
He sighed and dropped his head. "Yeah. The point is, I'm in love. I know that now. And I have to go see her. No matter what happens."
Having said this, Fung then started walking forward. Gahri gaped at him for a few seconds before sprinting to catch up on his stubby crocodile legs. "Wait, Fung! What about the plan? What should we do?"
Fung kept walking. "Don't do anything 'til I tell you to. I have to see her before anything else. Look after the guys while I'm away. You're a good friend, Gahri. Bye."
Gahri drew to a halt and watched his captain trod purposefully away. Stepping into the stands of bamboo that fronted the house, Fung was soon lost to view.
After a few seconds another pertinent question occurred to him. "Fung! Who is she, man?"
Silence greeted him. Then faintly in the distance came the words, "Master Viper!"
A moment of hesitation followed.
"Or is it… Mistress Viper? I dunno, I'll ask."
Soon there was only the sound of the wind through the bamboo, crickets chirping, and the occasional fish splashing in the river behind the house.
More confused than ever, Gahri finally decided to just go inside and get some sleep.
To be continued…