Request from a Tumblr ask from nalufever (aka DancesWithSeatbelts): Natsu had always wondered what the last straw was for Lucy. Looking up at the hot summer sky, he now knew. A chuckle made his sore ribs grate on each other - and he vowed never to repeat those ill-chosen words. Too bad everyone in the guild had taken to parroting that phrase. He didn't know it then, but Natsu was a dead man walking.

Just a silly, squirrelly little one-shot. Thanks to the aforementioned request-giver for the prompt as well as special thanks to our illustrious and irreplaceable Imp for giving me some quick advice and a once-over for this goofy-assed story. Enjoy!

If you asked him now what possessed him to do it, Natsu couldn't tell you. He supposed you could chalk it up to his impulsivity and lack of filter. Or perhaps because of the fact that now that they were officially together, he couldn't keep his hands off her—and didn't have to. Not that he hadn't been touchy-feely before, but it was different now. She was his.

Whatever the reason, his actions and ill-chosen words had landed him where he was at present. Lying flat on his back in front of the guild, staring up at the impossibly blue summer sky and hoping Lucy's patented "Lucy Kick" hadn't cracked any ribs. It was bad enough he'd probably have to pay for the damages to the guild doors…

Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

He chuckled, and then winced. Laughing was not a good idea.

So what exactly was it our favorite pink-haired dragon slayer did to earn the wrath of his blond beloved?

Ten minutes earlier

Natsu entered the guildhall in a good mood—they'd finished a job the day before and managed, amazingly, not to damage any property and had earned the full reward, something their team rarely accomplished. The sun was shining, he'd slept in, and Lucy had even made him breakfast before she headed to the guild several hours ahead of him. Something about meeting with Levy, he wasn't sure.

As it was nearing lunchtime, the hall was fairly full, and Happy flew off to greet—and harass—Charle, so Natsu looked for his girlfriend.

A-ha!

Leaning over a table and chatting with Levy was Lucy, and from where he was standing, Natsu had a fantastic view of her blue cutoffs-clad ass. In retrospect, he supposed it was that view, and the effect it had on him, that had impacted his ability to think rationally.

Strolling up, he smacked that delectable ass hard, saying, "Damn, that thang is juicy. Hey, Luce!"

Gray choked on his drink and somehow lost his shirt in the process. Levy looked up at Natsu, wide-eyed, and stared, too stunned to comment. Gajeel rolled his eyes and mumbled something along the lines of "Oh, Salamander, you moron…"

Lucy jerked up and whirled around. "Please tell me you did not just do—and say—what I think you did," she said, her voice deceptively calm.

Natsu tilted his head. "What? It is!" he protested, gaze roaming over her figure appreciatively.

Her eyes narrowed, and shortly thereafter he found himself on the receiving end of the "Lucy Kick" that catapulted him through the guild front doors and resulted in aching, possibly cracked, definitely bruised ribs.

Eh, she'll get over it. After all, it wasn't the first time Natsu had said or done something stupid regarding Lucy, and she still loved him. How much worse can it get?

Somewhere, the Fates, those fickle bitches, sat up and took notice.

Natsu did indeed spend the night on the couch as he'd anticipated—sure, he could've gone home, but he figured sucking it up and sleeping on the sofa would go toward the amends he apparently needed to make.

Jeeze. It's not like I said she was fat!

Lucy was still asleep, so he remained where he was on the couch, knowing he'd only piss her off further if he made a "racket," as she liked to call it, and woke her up. Thankfully on vibrate, his communications lacrima buzzed across her coffee table, and he yawned and stretched before picking it up.

Ice Stripper: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA Sucks to be you, Flame Breath

Okayyyy… Natsu shrugged, yawning again. He was sure he'd find out as soon as he next saw Gray just what the ice-make mage found so damned funny.

Gajeel: Salamander, you're a dead man…

What the fuck? That rust bucket oughta know better than to threaten me! Natsu clenched his fist, barely containing literal sparks of anger. Burning the sofa was yet another thing that wouldn't keep him in Lucy's good graces.

Erza: Natsu, I do not approve of this new nickname you've given Lucy. We'll talk when you get to the guild later today.

Nickname?

Natsu felt a headache coming on, and his stomach grumbled. He glanced at Lucy's clock. 9:58 a.m. Two more minutes, and then he could appease the hunger gnawing at his stomach. Lucy had made it quite clear that if he woke her before ten o'clock this morning, he'd be singing soprano and celibate for a month. Minimum.

When the numerals finally changed to 10:00, Natsu leapt off the couch, whooping, "Breakfast!"

"Natsuuuuu, coffee?" Lucy asked from within her cocoon of blankets.

He grinned and gave her a thumbs-up.

Several cups of coffee, one hot pepper and hot sauce laden omelet, and one strawberry-banana smoothie later, Natsu and Lucy made their way to the guild. Lucy chatted about nothing in particular, but overall seemed in a good mood and no longer angry at Natsu for the day before.

The Fates snickered.

Natsu held open the door, and Lucy entered ahead of him.

Seated at the bar, Cana swiveled around on her barstool and called out, "Hey, Juicy Lucy!"

Hovering in between Lucy and Natsu, Happy pressed his paws to his mouth, though that did nothing to prevent the giggles from spilling out. "Pppfffft! Juicy Lucy…"

"Morning, Juicy!" Wakaba waved at her with his cigar.

Seated next to him was Macao, who lifted his eyebrows suggestively at the celestial mage, remarking, "Lookin' juicy, Lucy!"

Natsu laughed nervously, edging slowly away from Lucy, whose head was down, her eyes shadowed. He could feel the rage boiling off her. "Scary Lucy" was going to make an appearance, and he had no doubt she was going to put his balls in a vise for the rest of eternity.

Figuring he had nothing left to lose, Natsu did the only thing he could think to do.

Run.

Maybe Jellal will let me join Crime Sorcière…

Author's Note: I do not as a general rule take and/or write requests, simply because my muse hates my guts and accepting requests is essentially guaranteeing instantaneous writer's block.

Thanks for reading!