Hi readers! This is my first fanfiction so please be kind! It's also my first Hobbit story!
I don't use betas so if you see any mistakes please point them out! And if you see any error about the facts tell me, Because I don't know a lot about dwarves, thanks!
This story was inspired by Christina Perri's new song Human. The title comes from the lyrics of Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift.
Warnings: TRIGGERS! This fic is about finding self worth so there will be, eating disorders, self harm, and self hatred
I don't own anything.
Kili had always been different from the other dwarves.
Kili was born early, his body was tiny, skinny, and frail. Nobody thought that he would make it, except Fili. He proved them wrong. Kili's a fighter.
His body was more slender and not as stocky like the others, being skinny was the same as being weak. His facial features had a more sharp angle to them instead of being rounded. He didn't have a big beard, even when he tried to grow it out it would come in uneven and unappealing. So he kept it short, almost nonexistent.
It was a common joke among the dwarves that Thorin's youngest nephew was part elf. For he looked more feminine than the other dwarves his age.
Male dwarves are described as manly. Kili, on the other hand, he was beautiful, which wasn't a welcome trait in male dwarves.
Many mocked him for looking like a maiden or elf. The rude comments and scathing remarks about Kili's looks piled up. He tried hard to appease the dwarvish standard of men, but failed repeatedly.
He often looked at his brother with envy in his brown eyes. Fili was like the perfect dwarf. He had the desired figure for males and had full beard. He was considered in the dwarvish manly, handsome, brave, and skilled in battle.
Kili was viewed as a coward for his weapon choice. While it took great skill to wield a bow, distance weapons, in dwarf eyes, were looked at as a coward's weapon, an elf's weapon. It was for the one who didn't want to face their opponent in an open spar, but take them out without even giving them a chance to defend themselves.
Being an archer also gave Kili an excuse about not really having a beard. No archer should have a beard, for the bow string would get caught in it. It didn't help much, since virtually no dwarf used a bow. Then again Kili was never one to follow the crowd.
After mastering the bow and arrow, Kili moved on to throwing daggers. The jeers about Kili's battle skill slowly disappeared as each arrow hit the bullseye with deadly precision, and each dagger spun through the air with grace, always hitting the intended target.
The physical bullying stopped, but the whispers about his looks never went away. He still heard the others call him a maiden and other hurtful names.
Kili looked at his reflection with inner turmoil surging in him. Kili began to avoid looking at himself because the self hatred had become as worse as ever. His reflection revolted Kili.
Eventually Kili started eating less and less food. The skinnier he got the more he hated himself, but he couldn't bring himself to eat, he was disgusted with himself.
Fili looked at his brother with sadness in his blue eyes. He never knew how to comfort Kili any more. When they were younger it was easier. Kili would often come home with tears streaming down his face because some of the other dwarves had called him a lass or a weakling. Fili would wrap his arms around the young dwarf and whisper comforting words in his ears. He would tell him that he was the best brother in the whole world and that his bullies were wrong. Kili was too young for weapons training, so he relied on Fili for protection and comfort. Fili was convinced when Kili was older he would look like all the other dwarves and the taunting would cease, but that never happened.
His brother kept his slender, girlish, figure. His beard was kept extremely short because of failed growing attempts. His hair remained unbraided and silky, while Fili's blonde locks were braided in multiple places.
He remembered when Kili started weapons training. Fili had always thought that Kili had wanted to be a swordsman, like himself. He had never expected archery. He watched Kili beg Thorin to let him be an archer. He watched Thorin cave as he gave Kili his first bow and quiver of arrows, but Thorin looked down on his nephew for choosing an elvish weapon. He watched in dread as the jokes made about his little brother become worse and worse.
He's not one of us.
He's weak.
He's a coward.
He's a disgrace.
Archery was considered an elf"s sport, not a dwarf's.
He tried to ignore the comments, but he saw how all of the insults got to Kili.
Fili watched as Kili got thinner and thinner, and how he covered himself up with many layers of clothes to make himself more like the other dwarves.
The worst was the way some of the dwarvish men looked at him, he despised the eyes roamed up and down his little brother like a piece of meat. They gazed at him with lust filled eyes. He heard the cat calls of the drunken men and dwarves when they passed the tavern while walking in town. He also saw the way Kili's eyes filled with tears when he thought no one could see him.
Only Fili noticed.
Fili watched Kili build up his walls and keep a mask on. The only time Kili's walls were down was when they were together, just the two of them. At times like this Fili would do anything he could for Kili to open up to him, but Kili always denied that anything was wrong.
Fili knew that he was lying.
He heard the quiet sobs of his brother at night when Kili thought he was sleeping.
So he always tried his hardest to make Kili smile, and occasionally get a laugh out of him. Fili thought Kili's laugh was beautiful, and that his smile lit up a room.
But the smiles were becoming more rare.
And the laughs were becoming extinct.
They were becoming fake and forced
Fili hates the fake smiles Kili uses to hide his true feelings. He hates the act. He hates that Kili hates himself. He's seen the way he looks at himself when Kili sees his reflection.
Fili could see the well made walls start cracking. He knew that one day they would break, crumble down to piles of rubble. Fili decided he would fix the cracked walls and make Kili smile again. He wanted Kili to be genuinely happy. He wanted the mask to go away. He wanted his little brother back.
Unfortunately it was too late.
The walls were already falling and there was nothing Fili could do.
So instead he promised he would be there to pick up the pieces.