"Sasha Klaus Nein!" a disgruntled eight year old Lili screamed.
The Psychonaut in question groaned, rolling off the couch he'd been sleeping on. Blinking, he reached for his glasses, left on the coffee table the night before, when Lili had finally gone to sleep. Babysitting was not something he did often, but usually Lili was easy enough to get along with. Except now. The girl came storming down the stairs in her usual semi-tacky outfit, glaring at him as if he'd personally offended her deeply.
"Lilianna Taria Zanotto?"
If looks could kill, he'd have been dead. A plant ignited nearby.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded.
"Tell you what?" Sasha yawned, trying to detangle himself from several blankets that now had a vicegrip on his legs.
"That everyone else already had their first kiss, and that I'm now officially the class baby!" she howled, as if he were supposed to know such a thing. "I mean, I can't go to camp as the baby! Do you realize the social impact of this? Everyone will think I'm slow or shy or something!"
Sasha sighed to himself. "I doubt anyone would ever think you slow, miss Zanotto. You're a eight year old who understands the concept of social impacts well enough to work the term into everyday speech."
"Nevermind," Lili sighed, kicking a wall. "I have to fix this." Then suddenly a lightbulb went off in her head. "Sasha, hold still."
"Wha-?" the man blinked as Lili strolled over to him, sat down beside him and grabbed his shoulders. "Lili, what are you doing? If I didn't know better, I'd think-"
"Shut up and kiss me."
"Nanno? Nein!" Sasha jerked away. "Can't you find someone else? I don't think someone who's 27 counts."
"You're a boy, aren't you? You count." Lili reasoned. "What happened to 'be more logical, Lili' and 'find rational solutions, Lili'? I'm being logical now."
"Is this a punishment for something?" Sasha asked, struggling to get his feet untangled from the blankets. "A deliberate attempt to humiliate me because I refused to take you to Disneyland, or something of that nature?"
"No. Now shut up and kiss me."
"No!"
"Sasha, it doesn't hurt." Lili sighed, patting him on the shoulder as if he were a naieve child. "I know it looks weird, but it's supposed to be cool. I know, I've talked to people. Look, if you're scared, you can hold my hand or something, okay?"
He glared at her. "I am not scared."
"It's okay, Sasha, everyone has fears. So you're kind of a baby," Lili shrugged, "You'll grow out of it."
By now, Sasha had stopped trying to escape from his warm, fuzzy prison of doom. "I've kissed girls before, Lili. You're being illogical and misunderstanding why I don't want to kiss you."
"I support you, Sasha," Lili wrapped an arm around him. "Lots of boys have the cootie-phobia thing. It happens all the time. It's kind of like when a boy keeps wetting the bed until he's eight. Eventually, with time, he'll grow up, it just takes longer and makes the kid all jumpy and weird." She looked at him curiously. "Do you still wet the bed, Sasha?"
"No, I stopped that early on. Though I did use to fear the dark-" Sasha clamped a hand over his own mouth, but it was too late.
"See, you're just one of those immature boys who takes longer to do stuff. It's okay you're slow. I mean, you've accomplished a lot for a guy who's never kissed anyone. I'm sure there's lots of really cool slow people out there." Lili continued, watching Sasha's eyebrow twitch increasingly.
"I am not slow."
"I'm saying I'm okay with it!" Lili objected. "Really, it's alright. I mean, now I know why my dad wanted you to babysit me. You're on my level, well, maybe below... a lot. But that's okay-"
Sasha couldn't take it anymore. One hand on the back of her head, he kissed her firmly. A strange sensation rippled through him, and for some reason he didn't mind when Lili grinned against him.
"Well, that solves my problem," Lili stood up, brushed herself off, and strolled away. "Good luck with yours."
Sasha glanced down at the tangle he was caught up in.
"...Maybe I am slow."