This is one of my first purely humour based fanfictions so please be nice to me and be constructive. Constructive comments are always welcomed. If you have any ideas for rules then PM me or leave them on a review.
The list appeared in the aftermath of the incident that prompted the first rule of the Leverage team's headquarters. After the kitchen was refitted and repainted the piece of paper was noticed inside one of the cupboards. It was only when Nate tried to remove the list that they realised it had been stuck to the inside of the cupboard door when the paint was wet and now that it had dried, it was not budging an inch. After much discussion, it was decided that the list was actually a good idea and that it should remain, not that there was much choice in the matter unless Nate wanted to refit the cupboard door again.
1. Never ever under ANY circumstances should Parker be in possession of a blow torch.
Addition to Rule 1. And if she ever is then run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can and call the fire brigade.
The aftermath of Parker's little remodelling of the kitchen was full of physical and psychological damage, most of the former occurring to the kitchen itself which had to be entirely refitted, much to Nate's displeasure. Hardison suffered the most psychological damage, although he hadn't actually been in the room at the time. One of his beloved pieces of technology had been sitting on the counter and its loss had caused irreversible damage to the hacker. Eliot's look of horror and anger at the destruction of the kitchen that was most used by him should have caused the blonde thief psychological damage but she just shrugged it off and bounced off to experiment someplace else, which, frankly, should have worried the others more than it did. Her quick exit, probably into the air vents, saved her from any physical damage that could have occurred.
2. Hardison's technology is not a toy for a baby. Don't make it one.
One con had seen Eliot ending up holding the baby, literally. Turns out hitters weren't trained to fight and entertain a baby at the same time. To stop it from pulling his hair and trying to chew on his fingers, Eliot had, in desperation, plopped the baby down in a safe corner of the room in which he was fighting off the security and given the little girl the only thing he had on him to keep her busy and quiet. Unfortunately for Eliot, that one thing had been the phone that Hardison had given him. When he turned around the baby was chewing and slobbering over the phone with gusto. Several lectures and a new phone later and it was safe to say that Eliot would never make that mistake again.
3. Do not, if you value your life, zone out during one of Sophie's lecture, there will be questions later.
Nate had made this very mistake and had woken up the next morning to find all his coffee and alcohol missing as well as all of his clothes apart from the pyjamas he had been wearing. Turns out the lecture had been on his choice of clothing that day and his drink. No one could say that Sophie's revenge wasn't relevant.
4. Parker, the air vents are not a suitable place to observe a briefing from and would you please stop spying on me.
This was in Nate's annoyed handwriting. Parker had created a nest of blankets in the vents above Nate's office and refused to leave them unless she had a job to do. No one was quite sure what she was eating but all the cereal was missing from the kitchen and crunching sounds kept coming out of the vents.
5. No, NO! Don't use a stink bomb to get her out Eliot!
This rule was written too late to have any effect this time. Clearly the hitter hadn't thought this one through completely but, in his defence, he was very annoyed. Parker had taken to sitting above his office and dropping little rocks that she had gotten from goodness knows where to test his durability and reflexes. She still wouldn't come out of the vents and so in went the stink bomb. Unfortunately, while it did get Parker out of the vents, the smell also came out of the vents and filled the whole of the offices. A deep clean, many cans of air freshener and several showers later and only a faint smell remained but Eliot still got grumpy looks from the rest of the team, especially Sophie, who still hadn't managed to get the smell out of her clothes.
6. Nate, put Old Nate back. Now!
The painting that was despised by the mastermind had mysteriously disappeared but Nate looked too smug and Hardison was going to get that painting back.
Addition to Rule 6. Don't touch Old Nate. Ever.
Parker was poking again. Hardison was very protective of his masterpiece. Enough said.
7. Just because they are wearing a uniform doesn't mean you can taser them Parker.
The marine sergeant had been in their side until he had met Parker. After recovering from the zap he proceeded to chase Parker around the ship. Parker enjoyed the game very much but the marine sergeant was furious. Needless to say those aliases wouldn't be used again.
8. Hardison put the technology back.
The latest con had seen Hardison tacking possession of a lab and buildings full of cutting edge technology. It had all been fine until the military had reported thefts. It had taken persuasion, threats and finally Parker stealing the stuff back from Hardison and returning it to its rightful owners to get the military off their tail. Hardison was still pouting but Parker looked oddly pleased with herself. No one asked why, sometimes it was better not to know.
9. When I said create a diversion, I did not mean A) start the sprinklers filled with an unknown substance, B) punch the guys in the face, or C) release pigeons in the room. You ruined my clothes; they are now covered in said unknown substance, blood and bird poo. Fix it.
It appeared that Sophie had a different idea of a diversion to Eliot, Hardison and Parker, and where Nate had been was unknown, and the three of them were now in her bad books for ruining yet another of her outfits. Credit where credit's due, they did create diversions but it wasn't quite what Sophie had imagined when she started the day. The pile of dirty clothes were dumped before the three with the order to fix it before Sophie turned on her heel and marched out, the effect ruined by the squeak of her heels where the unknown substance was on them.
10. No not with the hose, you idiots! That was vintage, dry cleaning only!
Apparently Sophie's idea of fixing it also differed from the three's. The clothes were pinned on a line and a hose directed at them. Nate and Sophie had walked out to see what they were doing and got drenched as were the clothes. Sophie's glare was legendary was she seethed, grabbed her clothes and marched out, once again squeaking. Parker's comment of "Oh well, you should have said so!" didn't help the situation either. Nate considered asking but thought it was best not to.
11. Eliot is not a coat stand. Don't use him as one.
They weren't sure why Eliot had written in third person but they were all too scared to ask at the moment, well except Parker, but she either hadn't noticed or didn't care. Nate, Sophie, Hardison and Parker had all walked in at the same time one morning, talking. They put their coats where the coat stand usually was except it wasn't the coat stand. No one was quite sure what Eliot had been doing and no one asked but the growl from under the coats had scared all but Parker. She just shrugged and said she guessed that Eliot didn't like being the new coat rack before skipping off to get some cereal. The other three tried to apologise but Eliot just growled again and stomped off. The new rule had appeared the next day in very angry, scrawled handwriting.
12. Never eat the last of the cereal
Nate read the rule and shuddered. That had been a bad day. Turns out a sugar deprived Parker was a nightmare. She was grumpy lethargic and snapped all the time. Not even the prospect of jumping off a skyscraper or stealing money for the job could cheer her up and her miserable mood had been frankly unnerving. Hardison had disappeared and refused to return until all was normal again, claiming they were aliens and in some alternate universe. The others figured he had been up all night on another video game. Sophie made an emergency trip to the store for sugary cereal and Parker was back to normal the next morning but still they made sure that they were never out of cereal again.
13. For the love of God! If there's a big red button, just don't press it. We don't care if you wondered what it did...
The angry message tailed off but Parker was still receiving angry glares from the other four who hadn't been quite as lucky as her. The spectacular explosion that followed her pushing the button had been unexpected but everyone still made it out safely. Unfortunately for Parker, even though she made it further than the others and enjoyed the explosion, ... What it was big and red! ... the other four hadn't made it so far and we're all slightly singed. Parker took to hiding in the vents until Sophie and Eliot stopped their fuming over the damage to their hair.
14. NO! No more clothes! ... Or shoes!
Nate had been trying to find the dusters ... What?! Even criminals/good guys needed to clean once in a while ... when he opened the closet door. And was completely swamped by clothes and boxes of shoes that poured out and buried him underneath. Once he managed to dig his way out, he checked all the other previously unused storage rooms and found them all exactly the same. He then stomped down the stairs, attracting the attention of all the other members of the team, yanked open the kitchen cupboard door with a bang and scribbled something down on the list. He then slammed the door closed with a bang that made Hardison and Sophie flinch and stormed off someplace else.
15. Never ever try to 'Steal a Hardison' ever again! Or else ...
Hardison had become wrapped up in the latest video game once again and, when needed for a job, had been unavailable. This had resulted in Parker and Eliot having to use alternative methods that Sophie didn't even want to think about. How those two had ... This had led to Nate, who had been surprisingly perceptive to the anger of the team, masterminding a very good plot to get Hardison out of his video game induced trance. Unfortunately for Hardison, a still angry Parker and Eliot were involved and had been a little more heavy handed than Nate had planned and Hardison had been very adverse to the whole idea in the first place. He had lost his game and orange soda had been spilt. Needless to say the rule appeared very soon afterwards and Hardison refused to talk to the two directly for a week whilst they looked very smug the whole time.
This was inspired by albert12 's stories in principle although this all comes from me. I hope I captured the characters right. It is unbeta'd so apologies for any mistakes. If you like it please review.