A/N This is just a fun little something. It probably needs another once over, but I'm starting to go cross-eyed, so all mistakes are mine. I'm terrible at titles, so if you can think of one better please let me know. Also, I don't own Stargate.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Meatloaf
Jack was in a good mood as he walked down the corridor toward Sam's lab. He rounded the corner and sauntered into the room, slipping on something as he crossed the threshold. Carter, however, was not there. Now he would have to wait even longer for his lunch, and it was meatloaf. He sat on the stool at the table and started spinning. He might as well have fun getting dizzy if he was forced to postpone lunch. It was not long before his foot became really hot, it felt like his shoe was on fire. He glanced down to see smoke floating away from his right foot. His shoe was on fire.
"Oh for the – CARTER!" he yelled.
Why did things always happen before lunch? He thought to himself as he took off the offending footwear. Moments later Sam returned to her lab, noticed the colonel and sniffed.
"Sir, why does it smell like burnt rubber in here?"
Without a word he held up the still smoldering shoe. Sam's eyebrows rose as her nose wrinkled.
"That's new. What happened?"
"Your lab is eating my boot. I came down here to see if you wanted to grab some lunch, it's meatloaf today. Probably all gone by now. When I came in I slipped on something slippery. You should clean this place more often, by the way. Then my boot was hot and smoking. So, the question should be: what did you do?"
"Sir, my lab is cleaner than your office and I don't have anything in here that should be slippery, much less on the floor. Where did you slip?"
With a flapping gesture toward the door Jack directed Sam to his earlier mishap. "Sir, there is nothing here. Are you positive there was something on the floor?" He held up his boot in response. "Let me take a look at it."
"It hasn't been washed, just a warning."
She smiled as she took the fuming footwear from Jack just as they heard a loud commotion. Jack recognized the sound of Daniel dropping the stack of whatever books he was carrying before there was another sound telling him that Daniel had followed his books to the ground. Jack smiled. Daniel falling was always funny, even when one's shoe was smoking.
"Somebody forgot to clean up their mess!" Daniel bellowed.
Jack looked at Sam. "That's what I said."
Sam took off toward Daniel still carrying Jack's boot. He followed more slowly, not wanting to step in any more goo-that-makes-you-smoke in his sock foot. Besides, Daniel was fine. That opinion changed somewhat when he approached a trail of books leading to a supine Daniel who was lying on the ground, moaning. There was a faint wisp of smoke coming from under him and Sam was yelling at him to take off his clothes while using her foot to shove him out of the fire ooze. Jack watched as Daniel made it to his feet while taking off his jacket, which now had growing holes in it while Sam used his still melting boot to get a sample to study. Daniel threw his jacket into the nearby lab sink and patted himself down, checking for more burning clothes.
Jack could see the pinkish clear liquid moving toward him. Looking around he spotted a random chair someone had left in the corner and quickly stepped onto it. He turned in the chair to find them watching him. Once he was out of reach the blob turned toward his teammates. He raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at the floor. Sam's eyes widened as she looked at the goo filled shoe in her hand and took off running toward her lab. With the stuff hot on his heels Daniel ran into the lab across from Jack's chair and leapt onto the empty lab table.
"Sir, keep an eye on that stuff while I get this sample into a fire proof container!" Sam yelled as she turned into her own lab.
Jack looked at Daniel then at the ooze between them. He looked back to Daniel. "Daniel."
"Jack."
"Your shoes are smoking."
This began Daniel's flailing once again as he rid himself of his shoes while staying away from the floor. Jack noticed the scientist-look he got just before he threw one of his boots toward Jack. The blob did not move. Then he threw the other shoe into the middle of the stuff. Both men watched silently as the boot was soon completely covered in the pinkish mess. Not long after the rubber sole was gone, melted into the rest of the sludge followed quickly by the rest of the material.
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "That's new."
"That's what Carter said."
"It looks like it absorbs whatever it melts."
Before Jack could repond an airman entered the corridor coming towards them. He spotted Jack standing on his chair and got a quizzical look on his face, but continued on his way. Daniel noticed the stuff start to move but could not see out the door to know its destination. He was about to ask when Jack also noticed.
"Airman, freeze," Jack ordered. "Evacuate this level. Oh and see if you can find a couple of chairs that have wheels, preferably ones that won't melt."
"Yes sir," the airman replied as he backtracked down the hall.
Jack looked back to Daniel and said, "I was on my way to the mess hall. Meatloaf today you know."
"I was too. I was on my way to Sam's lab to see if she wanted to join me when I fell."
"I slipped in the stuff in her doorway."
"Is that why you're missing a shoe?"
"Yep. Carter stole it to run tests."
Neither man said anything for a time, and the goo never moved. Then Jack bent and placed his booted foot on the floor while watching for any movement. It took only seconds for the mass to begin inching toward him. "Well, it certainly likes people. Where did it come from?"
"SG-20 I think. They were going to bring back some substance they thought would make a good heat source."
"By melting people?" Jack thought for a second. "Carter! Can you hear me?" he yelled.
"Yes sir!"
"Any idea what this is and how to stop it?"
"I'm trying to run tests on it, sir, but it keeps melting my equipment! And it keeps trying to get me."
"Noticed that! It ate Daniel's shoe!"
"Is he alright?"
"He wasn't wearing it!"
"Interesting. Give me some time to see what I can come up with."
"We're not going anywhere!"
Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack and looked around. "Speak for yourself." He crawled across the table before standing up and jumping to the counter lining the back wall of the lab. From there he walked along the counter into the corner out of Jack's view.
"Daniel, whatcha doin'?"
Instead of answering Daniel wheeled himself out the door in an office chair. He stopped just inside the door watching the substance to see if people in chairs were on the menu. When it remained stationary he looked up to Jack. "I'm not going to just sit here. I'm going to see if I can help Sam," he said before pushing against the wall sending his chair rolling down the hall.
"What about me?"
"Well, someone has to make sure that blob doesn't disappear."
"Bring me some meatloaf!"
"Sam?" Daniel asked as he rolled into her lab. There was a cloud of smoke just inside the door obscuring his view further into the room.
"Daniel, watch out. Some of that stuff got loose."
He cleared the smoke and took in the scene before him. There was a small blob of pink goo three feet from him, Sam was sitting on a stool more than a yard from her desk with her feet on the bottom rung and there was a large glass container half full of a twitchy mass on the table in front of her.
"Little Bit down there ate my jacket and half my equipment. The stuff in here keeps trying to get out every time I move."
Daniel eyed the goo from his chair. "Yeah, we noticed that. Any ideas on what it is or how to deal with it?"
"If I could get to my computer I might be able to figure something out. I started a scan of the colonel's boot before you fell in the gunk."
"It almost seems like it is alive the way it seeks out people. Is it our body heat or the movement or some other factor?"
"That's one of the things I would like to check out."
Daniel looked around for a minute. "Sam, can you jump over to the counter behind you?"
Perplexed, she sized up the jump and nodded. "Okay, I have an idea. If you jump over there I can move your stool over to the computer without getting too close to the box. Then you can jump back over and be at your computer. "
"Okay, it beats being stuck here."
The major stood precariously on top of her stool before jumping to the counter behind her, narrowly missing a piece of alien technology. She stepped over it and waited for Daniel. He pushed against the door frame to send his chair in the opposite direction of the blob on the floor. Reaching the counter he used it to push himself to Sam's stool. When he had the stool Sam grabbed the back of his chair and rolled him down the counter to where she wanted the stool. She ignored Daniel's indignant cry as she used his legs as a stepping stool to her seat.
"Hey! What's going on down there?"
"We're playing the floor is lava Jack!" Daniel replied.
A few seconds went by and Daniel could imagine the look on Jack's face. "I always liked that game. So, what's the plan?"
Before he could respond Sam answered, "It looks biological, maybe some kind of sap? We're going to call Janet and see if she can help us out! Maybe see if she can work with SG-20 to come up with something! Just sit tight!
"Right. What's Doc Frasier going to know about sap? Shouldn't you call one of the botanists?"
"Normally yes sir, but she went with them to check out some of the locals so she saw them use this stuff!"
"Carter! It's been two hours and I'm hungry! When can I quit watching a glob of goo and get my very late lunch?"
Jack was checking his watch again. He was bored and hungry and his feet were starting to hurt from standing on a plastic chair for so long
"Sir, I think we may have something! Janet should be there in a few minutes."
She had barely finished speaking when the doctor came into view dressed head to toe in shiny silver fireman's bunker gear, boots, gloves and all.
"Hey Doc. You going to be my knight in shining….stuff."
She smiled up at him. "That's the plan, Colonel, as long as this little experiment works. Is that it?"
"Yup. Be careful. It eats what it touches."
"That is why I brought these," she replied with a cheeky grin holding up a barbeque lighter and a small metal trash can. "SG-20 said the indigenous people used a stick from the fire to light small bins of the stuff in their homes. So let's see if we can get this little glob in here..."
Surprisingly the problematic goo did not melt Janet's gloves as she scooped it up and deposited it into the can. She pulled the trigger on the lighter and touched it to the mass. Soon the whole thing glowed and became warm. Janet pulled a bottle of water out of a pocket and doused the unique heat source.
"It's safe to come down now Colonel. What do you say we go rescue Sam and Dr. Jackson?"
The two moved down the corridor with Janet leading the way. She handed Jack the bin, scooped up the small blob on the floor and placed it into the trash can he held.
"Hey, watch it!"
"It's alright Colonel. Once it's lit….there, now it won't come after you and burn you."
"It's on fire."
"Just one second."
Jack's stomach started growling as Janet poured water over the container of burning goo. He looked at his watch again. "Can we hurry this along Doc? I missed lunch."
"Just another minute Colonel. We just need to get this large container and we will be clear."
"Did you ever figure out how it moves, or why?" Sam asked.
"Not yet. The botany staff is looking into it. I think I will take their escapees back to them and see what they come up with. Why don't you guys head to the mess hall? I think there may even be some leftover meatloaf. It was very good today. I might even join you in a bit."
Jack was the first one out the door still wearing only one boot. "Doc, we'll discuss this after lunch. I want to know why I was standing on a plastic chair for two hours."
Sam and Daniel helped Janet gather the goo containers onto a cart before preceding her out the door. Jack was waiting impatiently by the elevator then they caught up with him. The elevator ride was quiet as the four made their way to the botanists' level. After letting Janet off the rest of the car's occupants made their way toward the mess hall.
The lingering odor of the lunch meatloaf enticed growls from all their stomachs as Jack led the way through the door. The few people inside looked casually to see who had entered. Then their eyes travelled to Jack's one boot and Daniel's sock feet. However, neither man noticed as they made a beeline toward the food. Sam followed close behind and saw that there was indeed some meatloaf left. They loaded their trays and found a table. Two bites in and Jack was convinced that leftover meatloaf was the best thing he had eaten all week. Suddenly the overhead speakers squawked to life. SG-1 to the Gate Room. SG-1 to the Gate Room.
"Oh for crying out loud!"
A/N For those of you wondering where Teal'c is, I left him out because I do not think I could write his character properly. I had a couple of ideas of how to put him in, but I could not pull it off. I would have loved to have one of his "indeeds" in there.