A/N: Uploads will be slow because I don't have much access to the internet right now.
Warnings: Rated "M" for coarse language, alcohol, drugs, violence and other mature content.
South Park and all it's characters belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Once More, With Meaning
"I long to be with you - lie cold in the ground like you." - 'Like you', Evanescence
It had always been a curse. Always.
Sure, there were times when it had been a blessing or useful, but it always ended up to be the biggest pain that he had ever faced. No one ever remembered so there wasn't anyone he could confide in, no matter how painful his burden got, even if he made it a point to tell them before proving his point.
So Kenny had given up on trying to make them remember, instead he retreated to his own little world. Sure, he still hung out with them all, but he never felt completely there; there was always that little part of him that he hid away behind his perverse jokes or his half serious smiles. It was a lonely way to live, but if he was immortal then he would be alone either way. What was the point in trying anymore?
As the blonde pulled away from his friends and social life, more and more he found himself turning to drugs, and not just cheesing either. He found himself drawn to more to heavier things, wasting away what little money he had on that. But what really drove him more and more into it was that no one noticed. Ever. No one would give the poor kid the time of day - it was always the same damn thing. The moment he was away from the group it became nobody's business. Hell, even when he was with the group he was still the one who was in the background.
Easily replaced.
Those harsh words were ones that constantly were brought to his mind because of the truth behind them. This much was proven when he had died that sole time that people had cared, only to get replaced by Butters or Tweek, and it pissed Kenny off beyond belief. He was always second rate; always the one to be left in the background. It made Kenny want to scream - to tell Stan, Kyle and Cartman to go fuck themselves. But he couldn't, because as much as it hurt to be the background, he had come to rely on them to keep him sane.
All of those stupid little adventures, no matter how stupid and how many times he died because of them, were what reminded him that even though he was immortal he still had feelings - he still had compassion, desire, happiness, even it was all just fleeting and momentary. At least it was something.
Even as he lay on his bed, cool air pouring through the open window and numbing his skin, it was something the reminded him that there was still something human about himself. He wasn't an undying monster.
A shaky sigh escaped Kenny's lips, his bright blue eyes slipping shut. His mind was hazed from the booze and drugs he had just recently consumed, and neither was helping his mind, which dwelled on all of his deaths.
All of them painful, and most meaningless. Was it sad that it reminded him of his existence - meaningless?
Hell, the one that cared about him the most was his sister Karen, but she was getting older and at that stage where she was all about gaining her independence. It hurt so much to see that he really wasn't needed anymore, and if he just disappeared not many would care. Because he didn't fucking matter to anybody. Not even to the people who were supposed to be his friends.
Kenny could feel the rage build, making his throat tighten and his eyes burn as he shifted to lie on his side, cerulean eyes resting a burning glare to the stars outside of his window. He felt like hitting something; like he wanted to fly into a rage and just not care about what would happen to those caught in his path. But he wouldn't become his parents; he wouldn't drop to their level. He refused.
Instead he gave a sigh of resignation, digging his fingers into the pockets of his hoodie and pulled out his cellphone which, despite how old and crappy it looked, still worked absolutely fine. Flipping it open, he scrolled through his old messages. Most of them were from Stan, a few from Kyle, even less from Carman, but all of them were about small things like hanging out with the group. None asked about his well-being, or if he was alright since he stopped really seeing people outside of school.
Perhaps he was selfish, wanting people to worry about him, but the blonde didn't care. He was too use to being a shadow - like he could fade away in an instant. It wasn't fair. Sure, he had gone to his friends before for support, but they never went to him to see if he was okay. They never paid enough attention to be able to tell.
He felt his anger build again and this time he sat up, fists clenched tightly, shoving the cellphone back into his pocket. He needed to get up and walk - he needed the fresh air to numb his intoxicated mind. He took to his feet, only pausing a moment on his way out to pull on his shoes. He didn't stop to tell his parents - they were drunk and watching television. They wouldn't care. They never did.
More burning behind his eyes, only this time it wasn't anger. Swallowing hard as he stepped out into the cool night, the frosty air filled his lungs and chilled his heated face. Kenny needed this; the numb feeling that he was getting from going out with just a shirt and hoodie when it was snowing out. His breath came out shakily, visible to his eyes yet he couldn't find any care within himself to go back and get his parka. Hell, would it matter if he froze to death? No, it would just be another fucking meaningless death on his board. Shit he needed to stop thinking about this. He gritted his teeth and started walking, his feet pressing tracks into the newly fallen snow. It was serene in a way... well if you could call a layer of fresh, pure snow blanketing old broken building serene.
Kenny hung his head and stared at the ground as he walked, blonde hair collecting heavy white flakes as his feet took him anywhere but nowhere in particular. Yet he still didn't care. Why should he care if no one else did? Why couldn't he die?
All of the questions and still no answer. Sure he had tried searching before when they were kids, but that had all come crashing down when he ran out of leads. But what did it matter anymore? Hell, even if he could die it wouldn't matter because no one cared.
"God dammit." He hissed, his teeth clenched as the burning was brought back and his vision blurred slightly. But he forced his mind elsewhere because he, Kenneth McCormick, refused to let his emotions slip now, even if it was because his composure was broken because of the alcohol. Grinding his teeth together, Kenny shook his head, shivering against the cold for the first time. He felt so damn lost and confused. He wanted to break down but what would that accomplish?
Nothing; all that would happen would be that he'd end up wallowing in self-pity and that would get him anywhere. As it was, he had been doing nothing but held a grim stance for eight years. Eight frickin' years of a withdrawn social life and building anger, hell, he's hardly fucked anyone lately, which was a sure sign that he was withdrawing. Again he shook his head, snow falling from his golden locks. He didn't want to think of anything anymore. Couldn't his head stop for just one second so maybe he could get himself together?
His attention was ripped from his thoughts though – his name was called out by an all too familiar voice. Turning, Kenny's blue gaze fell on Ike and Kyle. By the looks of the bags in their hands, they had taken a quick trip to the convenience store, which brought the blonde's attention to where he was. Blinking a few times, he realized that in his short walking time he had managed to get himself pretty far from home. As the ginger approached, a small smile on his face, Kenny felt that pool of anger in his gut again. Why the hell was the Jew so oblivious and happy? Why didn't he care?
"Hey Kenny, it's been a while. What are you doing outside without a coat? " His green eyes shone in the light of a street lamp, reflecting that oblivious innocence that the poor boy had always envied about him. And it fucking killed him to stare at it tonight. It made him want to slap Kyle and ask him what the hell he wasn't getting – ask him that if he was so smart, why didn't he see Kenny's pain? But no, perhaps it was his morals that kept him from laying a finger on him, or perhaps it was those fun memories from their childhood that kept him from it. Either way it didn't matter.
"I 'unno." His words were slurred a little from that alcohol and drug haze. But why should Kenny care? It was just Kyle, not like that should matter any. But apparently it did matter to the ginger – his nose scrunched a little and his carmine brows furrowed.
"Kenny, you're drunk." Kyle's tone was concerned, which only drew Kenny's cheeks to flush more in annoyance and anger. His fists clenched in his pockets and his cerulean eyes had a dangerous gleam to them, causing the ginger's look of concern turn to confusion. Ike on the other hand looked worried and perhaps a little frightened. All because Kenny, despite having his occasional little fits, was hardly ever seriously angry.
And Kenny looked pissed.
"You just fucking noticed? Took you fucking long enough to pay attention, fucking Jew." His slurred words were shaky, and the look of sheer astonishment was priceless. And the best part? Kenny found himself completely uncaring that he was bitching out one of his supposed 'friends'. But the ginger's look of astonishment quickly faded to anger, green gaze matching his own defiantly.
"What the hell, Kenny? How the hell am I supposed to pay attention when you're an antisocial asshole?" Kyle's retort wasn't the most eloquent, sure, but after being sprung on with such words when completely unprepared it was forgivable.
Still, Kenny just gave a hiss, his mood swinging. "You don't fucking get it." There was hesitance in his tone this time. But fuck he wanted to punch Kyle… that or collapse into his arms as a sobbing mess. Either outcome didn't look good though considering how his moods swung when being drunk and stoned at the same time.
Kyle still stood his ground though, his eyes narrowing. "I would if you would just fucking tell me!" His tone had pitched some, a clear sign that his annoyance was at a peak. But it didn't enrage Kenny anymore; this time a laugh bubbled from his lips. Why the hell was the ginger so caring all of a sudden? Why not just ignore him like he usually did? It made Kenny's head spin. He wanted the care, but he didn't want it to be forced. It was almost like he was afraid of being a burden. Well, truthfully he was, but he would never say that while he was in his right mind. Hell, he wasn't even in his right mind at the moment and it still didn't escape him.
The blonde's laughs brought tears to his eyes, which he brought a hand up to cover. He didn't even notice the concerned looks that Kyle and Ike traded, nor did he hear Kyle's gentle call of his name. All he could focus on was why. Why he was such a mess, why he was about ready to bawl like a baby. He was so scared, he just wanted out; he wanted to blurt everything out but he didn't want them recoiling. He really didn't want to be alone. Hell, his thoughts were so jumbled now that he couldn't make sense of them anymore.
He was brought out of his jumble when a hand enclosed around the wrist to the hand that was in his pocket. His cerulean eyes were brought to Kyle's worried expression and he blinked the blurriness away. Sure that meant that he was probably crying now, but he was confused, even as the ginger started walking, pulling him along. His confusion was all over the place too – why he had blurted out as he had to someone who had shown more care than anyone else in their group of friends, why Kyle was so insistent on dragging him. But Kenny was ready to give up; to let that haze of sluggish limbs take over and pull his mind into a dark unconsciousness, even though they weren't out of the cold yet. But all the blonde could do was follow meekly, his cerulean eyes lost in a haze of his own thoughts and emotions, completely uncaring as to where Kyle was pulling him.
Kenny had just given up caring.