This one shot was donated to the Fandom Fights Tsunami relief efforts. This story is filled with a lot of flash backs, and I've tried to keep them in italics. Character death is mentioned, another character experiences extreme grief, and I can almost guarantee tissues will be needed. I almost didn't post the story, since I was not so politely told that no one would be interested in reading it. I've since decided I'm done apologizing for having the audacity to think outside the box. I hope you enjoy it. Several weeks of heart, time, and tears went into its creation.
My undying love and devotion to Nails233 and Butterflybetty, FRU forever, girls! I couldn't do half the shit I do without you guys backing me up!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer created the characters, I just like to put them in my situations. Song lyrics belong to The Beatles, but they inspired the words I wrote.
In My Life
BPOV
"Did you do it yet?"
"No, Angela, I haven't. I have everything ready and I'm starting it now." I sighed. I loved my best friend, even though she could be a pushy pain in the ass at times. "I'll have it done before Saturday, I promise."
"I still can't believe you found out about your shower. I tried so hard to keep it a surprise."
"Well, then maybe you shouldn't have told Emmett. You know he can't keep a secret to save his life," I teased, knowing she was still furious with our best friend for telling me.
"Yeah, well, I'll figure out how to get him back later. For now, I need you to focus on your project!"
"I got it, Ang. Go do something important, like make Ben dinner or play with my goddaughter. I'll call you when I'm done. Bye, I love you." I snapped my phone closed before she could go on.
I really wanted to take a nap. I was tired all the time now. I decided to gather up the things I needed and lay down on the bed. Maybe being comfortable, I'd feel more motivated. Pushing myself up out of the chair, I placed a hand to the small of my aching back, curling my other arm around the mound that was causing my greatest joy and discomfort at the same time.
"Doing okay in there, little one?" I cooed, rubbing my hand soothingly, receiving a sharp kick in return for my efforts. Wincing, I smiled knowing everything was going fine. I gathered the boxes off the table and ambled into the bedroom. I settled myself against the headboard, a pillow propped under my swollen feet. That position was the only time I saw my toes anymore. With a sigh, I pulled the book and the first box of pictures into my lap.
There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
I pulled the first picture out. Two children playing on the beach, a little boy and girl. Although you couldn't tell by the picture, the little girl had been a couple years older than her friend. I flipped the picture over to see if anyone had put notes on the back of it, even though I didn't need them. I knew the location and the children. But there the note sat: Bella, 7 and Jake, 5, First Beach, July 1995.
Jake and I had been friends since we were babies. I'd always thought of him as a brother, even when he had that embarrassing crush on me in high school. Luckily, it didn't last long. I looked closer at the picture. That little section of First Beach looked so different now. A few seasons of bad storms had done a lot of damage to the shoreline, but the cove in the picture had gotten battered from all sides. Many of the trees now laid on the shore, sun bleached, and salt washed driftwood sculptures created by Mother Nature.
I missed Jake. He'd joined the Navy in a fit of rebellion, looking for a life different from what he'd have had on LaPush. He ended up loving it. He was stationed in Hawaii and had gotten married last year. His wife, Malia, was a native and absolutely beautiful. It was good to see him settled and happy, even if I did wish he came home more often.
Further through the same pile, I came across the first of what I was sure would be many pictures of Angela. It was actually the two of us together. We were bouncing on the trampoline in her backyard. Ang and Bells, June 2000. I recognized Mrs. Weber's precise handwriting. Angela had just gotten her glasses and braces all in the same week. I'd been trying to cheer her up for days when I talked her into playing on the trampoline. Neither of us saw her mother come outside with the camera while we bounced, laughing. Two young girls on the verge of womanhood, but still with enough child left in us to let loose. The sun glinted off the metal brackets on Angela's teeth. I'd been teasing her about her crush on Ben, the boy she'd grow up to marry many years later.
I'd known Angela almost as long as Jacob. We talked each other through crushes, break-ups, and heartbreak. I stood up for her as her maid of honor when she and Ben were married. Their children called me Aunt Bella. And, at the lowest point in my life, it had been Angela who'd held me for days while I cried until I thought I had no tears left. She was also the one who kicked me in the ass when I had wallowed in grief and self-pity for far too long. If it weren't for her, I would've never seen what was right in front of my face. I would've never found love again.
Sifting through a handful of pictures, one fell out to land on my tummy. Three laughing girls smiled up at me, wearing formal dresses, hair in elaborate styles. A statuesque blonde, a black-haired pixie, and a soft-eyed brunette, all so different and yet as thick as a band of thieves. Me, Rosalie, Alice, Senior Prom 2006. Right underneath it sat a picture of our prom table. Ben&Ang, Em&Ro, Jazz&Ali, E&Me, Senior Prom 2006. I didn't need the tag on that picture, either. You could usually find all of us hanging out together back then. We were so happy, so full of life. Looking at the pictures, it didn't seem possible that all that we'd planned would fall apart in just a few years. Unbidden, tears filled my eyes.
Pulling over the other box, I sorted through it, knowing that I had to have some pictures of him in there. I couldn't bear to get rid of them. I'd loved him first, with that desperate passion that young girls have. I thought nothing would ever come between us. He didn't either. We'd made so many plans. Where were the damn pictures?
I dumped the box out on the bed. Shoving aside pictures of my parents and my friends, I hastily shuffled through them, swiping the tears that streamed from my eyes. Suddenly, I saw a flash of bronze out of the corner of my eye. Snatching it up from where it hung out of an envelope. The envelope I'd put them all in when I finally decided to let go and move on. Pushing everything else to the side, I emptied the envelope into my lap. His green eyes shined up at me, a smile gracing his full lips. Edward.
There were so many pictures: pictures of him, of the two of us together, and of him and our friends. We'd started dating our sophomore year of high school. He always hung out with his brother and sister, Emmett and Alice. Emmett dated Rosalie whle Alice dated Rose's cousin, Jasper. The five of them had welcomed me with open arms and even accepted Ben and Angela into the group. While I was as close to Rose as I was to Angela, Alice became like a sister to me. It only made what happened doubly hard to bear. Holding the pictures of my first love and my closest friend to my heart, I laid back, closed my eyes, letting the tears come, allowing myself a brief moment of grief as I remembered the day we lost them.
It happened the summer between our sophomore and junior years of college. Alice had gotten an internship with a design firm in Tacoma, wanting to put some distance between her and Jasper after they'd broken up over the winter holidays. Edward started working as a law clerk at a firm in the city, too. They rented an apartment together. I stayed behind, working at a bookstore in Port Angeles, so I could be closer to home. Mom had been really sick over the past year and she needed me. We all spent every weekend together in Forks, though.
Edward and Alice were late getting on the road to come home. When Alice called, I suggested they wait until the morning, but Edward had been determined to leave. It was dark, raining, and he was tired. Even the witnesses weren't really sure what happened. It looked like another car crossed the middle of the road and Edward just didn't react fast enough. Whatever the cause, the end result was the same. In one night, we lost them both. Edward died instantly. Alice lived on life support for three days until Carlisle and Esme made the decision to turn off the ventilators. She was brain dead and there wasn't any hope.
I barely remember anything from that time and what I do remember seems more like watching a slide show, with each part reduced to snapshots in my mind: Doctor Gerandy sedating me at the hospital and my father all but carrying me to the car, Angela waiting at home for me and bundling me off to my room, Angela forcing me to get dressed, then standing next to Rosalie at the cemetery, her arms supporting me when I would have collapsed. More shots of Angela, holding me, comforting me, forcing me to eat. I saw the parade of friends and family trying to console me when all I wanted was to be dead, too. I cursed God, Mother Nature, and anyone else I could blame. I even blamed Edward and his stubbornness. If he'd only waited, like I'd asked.
After they went through the personal effects from the accident, we knew why he hadn't wanted to wait. In the pocket of his computer bag, nestled safely in a corner in a small black velvet box, sat a ring. The engagement ring he'd planned on giving me as soon as he got home. Only Emmett knew about his brother's plan. His parents insisted I take the ring, stating it was really mine, anyway. I'd never put it on. It still sat in its box, tucked into a far corner of my jewelry chest. One day, when Emmett's little boy was older; I'll give it to him to give to his special girl. That way, the memory of the uncle he never knew and the love we'd shared would live on. Edward would've approved.
Another picture of a little girl, this one sitting in front of a birthday cake with a big number one on it. I stood behind her, bent over her shoulder and kissing her cheek. Jessie's 1st Birthday, October, 2008. Angela used the guilt card to get me to attend Jessica's party. Through the months of grief, that precious little girl was one of the few things that made me smile. I'd been so excited when Angela asked Edward and me to be Jessie's godparents. We spoiled her terribly, to the point that Ben and Angela swore payback when we had our own children. It almost hurts to see myself in the pictures taken that holiday season. The grief still dulled my eyes and I was as pale and wispy as the ghosts that haunted my dreams at night.
Another picture of Jessie and me. She wore a frilly lavender dress, sitting in my lap, next to a huge white rabbit. Jessie, Easter 2009. Both of us were smiling and laughing. Jessie had refused to go to the Easter Bunny without 'Aunt Lella', her nickname for me. The sadness had started to fade from my eyes as I'd slowly accepted that Alice and Edward were gone forever. Easter dinner at Ben and Angela's helped me turn that corner finally. There are so many things I can never repay them for, the greatest of which being that Easter dinner. It was the first time I'd seen Jasper since the funerals.
Jasper and Edward had both been tall and athletic, but there the similarities ended. Edward was classical in every sense of the word. From his stunning, early Hollywood good looks, to his choice in music, everything about him seemed polished, perfect. But if Edward was Cary Grant, Jasper would be Tyrone Power. He was rugged, dangerous, and always ready for adventure. Whenever the guys did anything that smacked of borderline extreme, Jasper had usually thought it up. He was more comfortable in jeans and cowboy boots than he'd ever be in a suit - and yet, for Jasper, it just seemed to fit.
He was still the same person I remembered. But, he'd always been Alice's Jasper. Even after they'd split up, I'd still thought of him being Alice's Jasper. After high school the attractive boy turned into a handsome man. Of course, for me, there had only ever been Edward. But, with Edward gone, I saw Jasper in a different light. He wasn't my friend's ex, and he wasn't my boyfriend's friend. He was just - Jasper.
He'd recently moved home and taken over his dad's construction company while his parents enjoyed an early retirement. Ben and Angela had recently remodeled their kitchen and they'd invited Jasper over to enjoy the first big meal they were preparing in it. Forks was a small town, where everyone knew everyone else and very little stayed a secret. Despite that, I'd managed to wallow in my grief for the better part of a year and hadn't known that Jasper had come back. Until Easter.
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
The symbolism of the season wasn't lost on me when I looked back on that fateful spring. As the earth opened back up and Mother Nature was reborn, so was I. And, as I slowly came back to life, love blossomed between Jasper and me. It started out simple. I spent most of my free time at Angela and Ben's and suddenly, Jasper was there a lot, too. I never questioned it, just accepted him back into our circle of friends.
I often took Jessie out. We'd go shopping or to the movies, and often ended up at the park so she could play with the other kids. When spring turned into summer, Jessie wanted her "Unca Jazz" to come with us, too. She'd entranced him as much as she'd done me from the day she was born and there was very little he'd deny her. He'd call me to arrange play-dates with our surrogate niece and over time, the calls became longer and less about Jessie and more about what was going on in our lives. Oftentimes, after we'd drop her off back at Ben and Angela's, Jasper would ask me out for coffee. He always kept things light and never made me feel uncomfortable around him. Even the light kiss on my cheek whenever we parted was no big deal, right? He was just another friend.
I didn't even realize how much I'd come to enjoy spending time with him until he had to go out of town suddenly. His trip was only supposed to be for a few days. Unexpectedly it had been extended to three weeks. By the time day four rolled around, I moped around almost as much as Jessie over the loss of "Unca Jazz". By day ten, I was unbearable. Again, Angela called me on my behavior.
She invited me over for dinner one night when Ben had to work late. After settling Jessie in bed, we curled into opposite ends of the sofa, drinking coffee and talking about pretty much nothing important. Angela mentioned a group picnic we'd planned and we talked about who else was joining us. I nodded and smiled, only half listening, while she went through the list of our friends. Until she started talking about Jasper.
"What?" I sat up quickly and turned to face her,"Jasper's going to be here? Have you heard from him?"
"Well, Ben's talked to him a couple of times. They'd had plans and with his trip being extended, things had to be rearranged. But, yes, he'll be back for the picnic." She looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. "Haven't you talked to him? You guys seem to be getting along really well."
"We're just friends, Ang. No different than I am with Ben and Em. It's no big deal."
Angela sat quiet for a few moments, before all but exploding at me. "Bells, you're so full of shit. Friends? Really? Friends don't mope when a 'friend' has to go away. Friends do not light up at the mere mention of a 'friend's' name. When the hell are you going to come out of your self-pity coma and see what's right in front of you?"
Angela shoved herself up off the sofa and strode into the kitchen. Shocked by her words, I barely registered her leaving. Angela had never spoken to me like that. I was pissed, too. Who the hell did she think she was? Jumping to my feet, I stormed after her, fueled by what I believed to be righteous indignation.
"How dare you! You have no idea what I've been through. In one day, I buried the man I loved and someone who was like a sister to me." I couldn't stop the tears that rolled down my face. "Everything that I considered important to me was taken away, leaving me here to try to live without them. And I've done that."
Walking in front of me, Angela wrapped me in her arms and let me just cry. And cry I did. I cried for Alice, for Edward, for everything I'd lost. I cried until I had nothing left in me. The whole while, Angela stroked my hair, encouraging me to let it all out. When I finally began to calm down, Angela eased me into a chair. She pulled a clean towel out, dampened it with cold water, and then knelt in front of me to wipe my face.
"Bells, honey, you haven't been living, you've been existing. You drift through your life like a ghost. It's only been in the last couple of months that I've finally seen you smiling again. I hoped, truly hoped, that it meant you were willing to let go and move on with your life."
"Let go of what, Ang? I've already lost it all." Too tired to cry anymore, I slumped against the table.
"You weren't the only one who lost something that day. We all lost friends. Carlisle and Esme lost their children. But instead of wallowing in what we lost, we held onto the memories and moved on." She took my hand in hers and waited for me to look at her. "You have to, too. You're holding onto the loss and letting the memories go. This isn't what Edward and Alice would want, and you know it. They'd both want you to live, to love, and to be happy. You'd honor the lives they lived so much more if you did that then you are mourning their absence."
"How do I do that, Ang?"
"You get your head out of the sand and really look at what's right in front of you. Bells, why haven't you called Jasper? It's obvious that you miss him."
"I don't know how I feel, Ang." I pulled my hand out of hers and sat up, shoving my hair out of my face. "I miss seeing him, talking to him. I don't know how it even happened. The last time we took Jessie to the park, I noticed everything about him. The way he laughs when playing with Jessie, how caring he is." I looked away, not wanting to meet her steady gaze. "I couldn't stop looking at him. It was like…I was suddenly seeing him for the first time as just Jasper and it scared the shit out of me. He walked me to the door and kissed me on the cheek, just like he's always done. It took everything in me not to beg him to stay. I was glad he was going away; I thought it'd give me a chance to re-group and focus. Instead, he's been all I've thought about."
"There's nothing wrong with that, hun. Jasper's an attractive man, full of life; he's fun to be around and he obviously cares about you. Just stop over-thinking things and let life happen."
After a couple more days of reflection and introspection, I realized Angela was right. I started off with a simple text, letting Jasper know that I looked forward to seeing him at the picnic the following week. A series of back and forth texts followed over the next few days, but Jasper never stepped over the imaginary boundaries I'd built in our friendship. He kept everything light and friendly, while I struggled with the emotions that slowly blossomed inside me. Before I knew it, the morning of the picnic dawned and butterflies danced in my stomach, my nerves getting the better of me.
Blinking rapidly, I pulled myself from my reverie and picked up the first picture taken of just Jasper and me, the day of the picnic. Jasper and Bella, Memorial Day 2009. Angela snapped it without our knowledge, while we sat at one of the tables. Jasper's hand had pushed my hair away from my face to whisper in my ear. A wistful smile graced my face, a slight blush staining my cheeks. The picture looked more intimate than what was actually going on. Jessie had just learned about whispering and secrets on Blue's Clues and had become fascinated with the idea. At twenty months old, her vocabulary was still quite limited, but she loved pretending to whisper in everyone's ears. She'd just told 'Unca Jazz' a secret and sat outside the camera's eye, delightedly grinning when he 'shared' it with me. The feel of his breath tickling my ear and neck had caused the blush, the wistful smile a result of being in his presence.
An easy camaraderie had settled over a day full of fun, family, and friends. I wasn't sure if my sending the first text had changed the dynamics, but Jasper seemed less restrained around me. His previous reticence was replaced with casual touches and lingering glances that warmed me in a way that scared me. I hadn't thought of another man in over five years, yet I found myself welcoming the touches and glances. My eyes followed him while he mingled with the others and I caught more than one knowing look from Angela. After the third or fourth time, I stuck my tongue out at her, causing her to break into peals of laughter. She whispered into Ben's ear and he turned in my direction, a wide smile on his cheerful face, to give me an approving nod.
Jasper stayed until the end of day, helping Angela, Ben, and I clean up the mess after everyone left. When finished, we all lounged in the backyard, enjoying the lingering sun while watching Jessie play with the family's new puppy. Watching her tumble and cavort with the wriggling little dog filled my heart with a mixture of joy and longing. With a sigh, I wondered if I'd ever have the family I wanted. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper turn to look at me. A worried frown marred his brow, smoothing when I laughed at Jessie's delighted giggles when she plopped onto her little butt, the puppy frantically licking her face.
The sun dipped below the horizon and Angela gathered up Jessie to take her in for a bath and bed. She brought my goddaughter over to me and I nuzzled her neck before kissing her good night. Jessie lunged toward Jasper after, and he scooped her out of Angela's arms to tickle her, before also giving her a kiss. When he tried to hand her back to her mother, Jessie clung to his neck. Laughing, he stood and offered to carry her inside. I watched him follow Angela, impressed again at his easy manner with the little girl. Sighing again, I picked up my glass, only to see Ben watching me, a contemplative look on his face.
"Bell, I know you and Angela have talked about this already, so I'm not gonna harp on the subject. Just know that we all love you and all anyone wants is for you to be happy. Don't castigate yourself or search for absolution where none is needed." With that final thought, he stood and also walked into the house, not giving me a chance to answer.
I'd sat a few more moments in the gloaming silence, trying to unclutter my mind. I'd slowly been facing a lot of hard truths about my life and choices since the accident. I knew Angela was right, but I'd needed to dissect why I had so firmly latched onto my grief. Edward had been my first everything. If fate hadn't intervened, he'd have probably been my last, too. But one thing in particular that Angela said reverberated over and over – this is not what Edward would have wanted for me. I owed it to his memory to find my own happiness. It was that resolve that allowed me to answer yes when Jasper stopped me in Angela's front yard and asked if he could take me to dinner later in the week.
That dinner was the first of many dates over the next couple weeks. The more time I'd spent with Jasper, getting to know him and his family, learning about who he was, the deeper my feelings had become. Slowly, steadily, I was falling in love with him, whether I'd wanted to admit it to myself or not.
Digging around in the pictures, I found another of Jasper and me together. It was actually a strip of pictures you get from one of those booths at the arcades and malls. There was no date on it, but I didn't need one. It was mid-June and Jasper had talked me into going to a local arcade to play pinball on their old-fashioned machines.
We played for hours, stopping only to grab dinner from the little concessions stand. After we ate, Jasper had dragged me into the photo booth. My eyes drifted down the pictures in my hand. Four little pictures that showed more than any words would ever explain. In the first, we were squished together, both of us beaming into the camera. The next had Jasper pushing my hair away from the side of my face to kiss my cheek, the third we were looking at each other, our faces full of longing and love. In the last one, Jasper's hands gently held my face while he kissed me for the first time. That night, I truly began to let Edward go.
The next two months were pure magic. Jasper and I spent all of our free time together, with and without our friends. By the beginning of July we were lovers, by the end of the month, he had almost as many clothes at my apartment in Port Angeles as I did at the small house he owned in Forks. We still enjoyed regular playdates with Jessie, too, and I found myself wondering about the kind of father Jasper would be while watching him and Jessie together. The day that wondering led to my wanting them to be my children, too, I knew that I'd fallen completely in love with him. The realization spread over me in a slow warmth, without the heart-clenching anxiety I'd expected to feel.
Later that evening, while lying together watching a movie, his head rested in my lap. Stroking the silken blond strands away from his face, I studied his face, memorizing the details. The small mole high on his left cheek, the smattering of freckles across his nose, the dimples that lingered, even when he wasn't smiling. He lifted his eyes to meet mine, all the love in my heart reflected back at me from them.
"Everything okay, love?"
"It's all perfect," I leaned forward, placing a kiss on his forehead. "I love you, Jasper."
Without a word, he turned to his stomach and leaned over me. His hands cradled my head; his lips claimed mine in a searing kiss. Sliding my hands around his neck, I pulled him closer, pouring my heart into him. He peppered my lips with soft kisses, murmuring words I couldn't hear, before resting his forehead against mine. His chest heaved with ragged breaths he struggled to slow.
"I love you, too, Bella. I've waited so long, longer than you could ever know, praying that one day you'd love me back."
He stood and swept me into his arms, causing me to giggle, even as tears rolled down my cheeks at his open declaration. Twirling me around the living room of his simple home, he kissed me again, then carried me to his room. All night, in word and deed, he expressed a love most women can only dream of finding.
I smiled at the simple memories that washed over me. Rifling through the pile of pictures, I pulled one out that brought more tears to my eyes. Jasper and I were dancing together, oblivious to Rose taking our picture. He wore a black suit and tie, I had on a deep emerald cocktail dress. Jasper and Bella, Aunt Cyn and Uncle Nate's 25th Anniversary. Jasper's parents' twenty-fifth anniversary. Jasper, Rose, and Rose's parents organized a beautiful party for them. I'd fallen into an easy relationship with his parents, too, and my heart swelled to see the love they still shared. Cynthia, Jasper's mom, had asked me to help her find a dress, and, while not a fan of shopping, I enjoyed her company enough that I agreed. The day before the party, the two of us took off to Seattle for the day. Throughout the day, she answered my questions about how she and Nate had met, how they fell in love, and their life together. She shared stories of happiness and heartache, stories that spoke of a deep love and commitment to work things out no matter what life threw at them. When I said I hoped to one day find that kind of love, she gave me a knowing smile and hug, telling me she was sure I would.
The party was held at The Lodge, a large restaurant on the river between Forks and Port Angeles. Jasper's parents had lived in Forks all their lives, many of their friends were the parents of our friends, making the party like a giant reunion. Watching Nate and Cyn dancing to their wedding song, while the video from their wedding reception played on the screen behind them warmed my heart. Gone was the wide-eyed innocent love of their youth, replaced by the maturity and depth of two people who'd married young and grown together. Jasper wiped a wistful tear from my cheek, before placing a kiss on my lips and pulling me out to the dance floor.
After dinner, Jasper stood to make a toast to his parents. With a wide smile and a nervous laugh, he looked around the room.
"I've known just about everyone in this room all my life. I never got away with a thing as a kid, because someone would call Mom and tell her what I did before I ever got home. The scariest words I ever heard growing up were 'Just wait until your father gets home'." Laughter filled the room, Nate's booming above everyone else. "That's how Mom and Dad are though, they're a team, they always have been. No matter what life has thrown at them through the years, they've banded together and worked through it, together. Every day of my life, I saw a living, breathing example of how to make a marriage work," Jasper paused to take a sip of water, while murmured words of awe filled the room. "Don't get me wrong, I've heard my parents argue, but at the end of the day, they still respected each other, not just as husband and wife, but as individuals, as equals. It's what I've always hoped I could find in my own life. So, yesterday, I sat down and had a long talk with my dad, and it's with their blessing, I'm going to temporarily take the focus off of my parents for a moment."
Jasper turned to me and took my hand in his. I heard Rose and Angela gasp behind me, but I only had eyes for the man kneeling in front of me. Looking into his eyes, tears sprung to mine and I let them fall, not wanting to focus on anything other than the words he spoke to me.
"Bella, I've known you for years. In some way or another, I've loved you almost half my life. I'm hoping you'll share my life with me and let me love you for the rest of it, too. Will you marry me?" With a hesitant, hopeful smile, he placed the open ring box in my hand.
I looked down at the ring. It was simple, elegant. A center marquis diamond was graced with a small trail of emeralds on either side, tapering off to a narrow platinum band. With shaking hands, I removed it from the box. Looking back to Jasper's eager face, joy swept over me. Leaning forward, I kissed him, murmuring "Yes" against his lips. He slipped the ring on my finger, then stood and pulled me up to him for another kiss. The applause and shouts in the room faded away, as I kissed the man who'd helped heal my heart and find love again.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
I looked down at that same ring on the third finger of my left hand, a simple band nestled behind it. Jasper and I married six months later, giving my mom and his just enough time to plan the perfect wedding. One other memory came over me, one for which no pictures existed. The day I finally let Edward go.
It was drizzling the day I drove to the cemetery. I carried two bunches of flowers, one for my best friend, one for my first love. Clearing the fall leaves off both of their plaques, I knelt by Alice's first. I told her how much I still missed her, how much we all missed her. I told her she'd always be the sister of my heart and I'd never forget her. I placed the flowers next to her name, stroking my fingers across the letters that formed it. Then I turned to Edward's place. I touched his letters, tracing them with my fingers, following the numbers that marked the short life he'd lived. Visions of his easy smile danced through my mind, bringing with them a quiet reflection on what might have been. The sun struggled with the rain clouds, sending a straggling ray to glint off the ring Jasper had placed on my finger. Leaning back, I straightened and folded my hands in my lap.
"He,y Edward. I know I don't come visit you as much anymore. It's been a few months since the last time. Angela and I had a huge fight right after the last time I was here. She said a lot of things I didn't want to hear, but needed to be said. She told me that I'd been holding on to you so tight that I'd forgotten how to live. She also said that you'd have never wanted me to give up on my life just because you were gone. I knew she was right, but it hurt so much to admit. Once I did, though, I started to open myself up to life again, and I fell in love with the last person I expected. Jasper. He's asked me to marry him and I've accepted. I know you'll approve, you were still best friends with him even after he and Alice weren't together anymore." The tears on my face mingled with the lightly falling rain, but I managed a watery smile. "He's a good man and I love him so much. He helped my live again and was so patient while I came out of the hole I'd tried to hide in. I just wanted to come see you one last time and say goodbye. You'll always have a small place in my heart and memories, I'll never forget you, but I'm finally ready to let you go." Taking a deep breath, I pushed myself to my feet. "I love you, Edward Cullen."
Turning, I walked away, back out the path that led to where I'd parked my car. I wiped the remnants of tears from my eyes then pushed my wet hair back from my face. Reaching the parking lot, I was surprised to see Jasper leaning against the hood of his truck, the rain trickling down the side of his face. He straightened when he saw me on the path, but made no move to come to me. I stepped to him, taking his hand in mine.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself. I swear I wasn't stalking you, I saw your car and stopped."
"I needed to let him go. You aren't upset, are you?"
He pulled me into his arms, "Of course not, Bella. You love him, I understand."
I leaned into him, sliding my hands under his jacket and pulling him closer. Tilting my head back, I reached up and kissed him. "I do, but I love you more."
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
JPOV
I hung up from checking on Bella, a smile on my face. Tired, she'd complained about her swollen feet and joked about her resemblance to a walking watermelon, getting mad when I laughed while insisting she was beautiful. To me, she was. She'd always been beautiful, but as her pregnancy progressed, she'd become almost ethereal. Leaning back in my desk chair, I closed my eyes, allowing myself a few minutes to reflect on how God works in mysterious ways.
~~IML~~~IML~~~IML~~~
I'd felt awful when Alice and I broke up during the holidays. In actuality, it bothered me more that I'd taken so long to face reality and let her go. I'd loved her, but I'd never been in love with her, and she deserved more than that in a relationship. I'd lost my heart a few years earlier, to a beautiful, doe-eyed brunette who loved my best friend. Fighting my feelings for Bella had been the reason I'd gone away to college, only coming home for Christmas and summer breaks. I suppose, too, I'd hoped that my feelings for Alice would grow with distance. Instead, I'd realized the need to do the right thing.
The last summer we were all together was pure hell. Bella and Edward were still going strong, while Alice struggled with the two of us just being friends. It hadn't been a secret that she'd taken the job in Tacoma to spend less time around me. When she and Edward died in the accident, I'd struggled with the thought that if I'd acted differently, she wouldn't have been in the car. I'd spent many nights talking with my parents working through the guilt I felt. In the end, though, I realized that, in all likelihood, Alice would have still been with Edward that night. Working with a design firm had been her dream, the opportunity would've been too good to pass up.
I returned to Chicago for my internship a couple weeks after the funerals. My dad suffered a mild heart attack in October, a warning sign, scaring the hell out of Mom. She feared that if he didn't slow down, we'd lose him, too. After several long, late night phone calls, we decided that I needed to come home and take over the construction company that my grandfather had built from the ground up.. By Thanksgiving, I'd left my job at the architecture firm, packed everything I owned, and headed back home to Forks. Selfishly, my dad wasn't the only reason I wanted to come back home. His heart attack, coupled with losing my friends, made me realize life's too damn short. Love was definitely worth taking a chance on, and I'd hoped, in time, Bella might feel the same. Until then, I'd settle for being her friend. Five months passed before I saw her again, though. When I finally did, it broke my heart.
Dad retired after the first of the year, leaving me to run the company. He and Mom began travelling, calling every trip another honeymoon. After years of putting everything else first, they'd earned it. When Ben heard they were gone again at Easter, he invited me to join him and his family for dinner. Walking into his home that afternoon, the first person I saw was Bella. Thinner, paler than I remembered, it was obvious grief still consumed her. She'd withdrawn into herself, a shadow of the girl I'd secretly loved for the last three years. She spoke little, reserving all her attention and energy for Jessie, Ben and Angela's little girl. The little cutie had captured my heart while I worked on the kitchen remodel at their home and I smiled when she toddled over for a hug. Kneeling down, I allowed her to wrap her little arms around my neck, scooping her up and tossing her in the air. Jessie's delighted shrieks filled the air, bringing the ghost of a smile to Bella's lips, a smile that couldn't dispel the haunting sadness in her eyes.
I couldn't drag my eyes from her all afternoon. Ben noticed, shooting me a sad smile. He and I had talked about Bella during the remodel and I was certain he surmised that my questions were more than the idle curiosity of a casual friend. Bella ate very little, talked even less, and drifted off to Jessie's room to play with the little girl as soon as she finished helping Angela clean up from dinner. Ben asked me about building a playset for Jessie, offering to show me where he wanted it in the backyard. The two of us stepped outside and I followed him to a far corner, beyond the earshot of the others. I stopped when he did, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my khaki dress slacks.
"Has she been like this since the funerals?"
He nodded, "Pretty much. Angela had to all but threaten to have Bella's parents commit her to get Bella to Jessie's birthday party in October. Angela is at her wit's end, worried to death that Bella is going to just fade away, but we don't know what to do anymore. It's like she died with Edward, leaving a walking shell behind."
"Fuck, Ben! She can't keep on like this. What does Chief Swan have to say about it? I can't believe they haven't done anything to help her."
"What can they do? She's twenty-one and lives on her own. Rose, Emmett, Ang and I have tried to get her to go out, but she feels like a fifth wheel. She'd have a shit fit if we brought some unknown guy into the equation, probably withdrawing even more. The girls can't even get her to go with just them. The only person she makes an effort for is Jessie."
"You're going to think I'm a terrible person, but then we use Jessie. Bella can take her on playdates, I'll even help encourage them. You know I adore Jessie, its not a hardship to spend time with her."
"I'm thinking it's not a hardship to spend time with Bella, either, is it Jas? Let's be honest, you're almost twenty-three years old. Hanging out with my toddler can't possibly be your ideal date. Why do you want to help out Bella so much? Wasn't Edward your only connection? I didn't think you were that close to her."
Turning to look at Bella's silhouette in Jessie's window, I muttered, "Not as close as I'd have liked."
"Ah, NOW the truth comes out. Time to fess up, Jasper."
Frustrated and hopeless, I snapped on my friend. "Fine! You want the truth? I've been in love with Bella for three years. It breaks my heart to see her like this because I can't do anything to comfort her, and I sure as hell can't tell her how I feel. I've never felt so useless in all my life. So, yes, spending time with Jessie has the added bonus of time with Bella. If that makes me a selfish prick, then so be it. I just want to see her happy again."
"Three years? Really? But that would mean…"
"Yeah," I interrupted, shoving my hand through my hair, "even while I was with Alice. It's why I ended things finally. I told her I didn't love her the way she deserved. I never told her it was because I loved Bella." Meeting his eyes I pleaded, "I know you'll tell Ang, I get that, but please, can we try to keep this as low key as possible? I don't want Bella accidentally finding out. She'd beat herself up about Alice, too, and she's dealt with enough in the last year."
"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But dude, what if she doesn't come around or she finds someone else? Can you live with that?"
"I'll have to get over it then, won't I? I just want her happy."
~~IML~~~IML~~~IML~~
Ben became a willing conspirator in my plans to help Bella recover. Our friendship grew and I was grateful to have someone to talk with. I'd been forced to hide so many things from Edward, I'd missed having a confidante. He frequently invited me over for dinner, often when he knew Bella would be there, too. I spent so much time at his home, Jessie started calling me 'Unca Jazz'. In return, I became her willing slave in all of her little games. Ben had all my sympathy. Jessie was a master manipulator at not quite two years old, there was no telling what she'd be like as a teenager. Angela had several pictures of me giving Jessie horsey rides, sipping pretend tea, and rocking the little darling to sleep. I was finding contentment in simple things, while watching Bella crawl out of her shell.
Ben insisted he and Angela were benefitting the most from my plan. They had one day free every weekend and often a couple evenings during the week. Jessie began begging both of us to include the other on our playdates. Bella readily agreed, giving me more time with her, times to nourish her and build our friendship. I'd often ask her out for coffee after we took Jessie home. She didn't always accept and I never pressured her. Almost from my first re-entry into her life Bella had been comfortable hugging me, with prompting from Jessie after one playdate, I began kissing her on the cheek whenever I saw her. I struggled hard to keep things light, while every fiber of my being screamed for her to love me, too.
The hardest times were the phone calls. I suppose it was the implied intimacy of an evening phone conversation. In the beginning, they'd been a way to firm up playdate plans, but over time we talked more about our days and less about Jessie. On occasion, Edward or Alice would come up, inevitable, really, having known each other for so long. When it happened, a wistful sadness filled Bella's voice, which she shook off by changing the topic. My life took on an air of quiet desperation while I waited for her. An unexpected change of plans offered the opportunity to put the ball in Bella's court for a change.
My four day trip to Chicago to tie up loose ends on a building I'd designed extended to three weeks when some issues with the contractor came up. I called Ben to let him know I needed to reschedule a golf outing we'd planned. While we talked, I mentioned needing to let Bella know I wouldn't be back for our movie trip with Jessie. Ben offered to let her know, making the suggestion that I not call Bella while I was gone. Shocked, I asked him to explain the logic behind it. Ben contended that Bella would continue to ignore what was right in front of her if she didn't have to face the possibility of losing it. He thought that maybe, if she had the opportunity to miss me, she also might finally realize that she cared about me as more than a friend. While I wasn't one hundred percent sure I agreed, I figured I had nothing to lose. It wasn't as easy as I'd thought it'd be. By day five I struggled to find focus, by day ten I was ready to crack. Ben offered me encouragement, letting me know Bella had been moping around and Angela was certain it was because she missed me. My resolve strengthened, I poured my energies into work, hoping I could cut my trip short.
Day fourteen found me sitting with my phone in hand, Bella's number highlighted, and my finger hovering over the call button. I was saved the effort when my phone buzzed and Bella's name flashed under the picture I'd secretly taken of her and Jessie. It wasn't much, just a message about the picnic Angela had planned for the upcoming weekend, but it was enough to open the door. A series of texts flew between Forks and Chicago over the next six days. Little jokes, a word of encouragement, little snips of our day. Despite my longing to call her, I respected Bella's comfort zone and kept our interaction limited to texts, while hoping things would change once I was home.
At the picnic, Bella seemed different. She was still quiet, but she seemed more contemplative than reminiscent, an easy smile graced her face most of the day, and I felt her eyes follow me whenever I left her side. Angela watched Bella, Ben watched Angela, and I waited for the other shoe to fall. When Jessie wanted to tell pretend secrets, I took advantage of the opportunity to whisper in Bella's ears. The breathy nonsense I shared caused her to shiver, and she leaned closer to me, the soft musk of her perfume wafting around me, enveloping me. I tamped down my desire, but decided I was done waiting for her to come to me. I planned to ask her out and let the chips fall where they may.
My heart stopped when Bella accepted my invitation. One dinner turned into our spending several evenings a week together, not counting the time we spent together with Jessie. The first time I truly kissed Bella was in a photo booth at an arcade in Port Angeles. We'd been pushing and leaning on each other to both fit in the picture, when I leaned over to kiss her cheek. Bella turned to look at me, longing in her eyes, and I couldn't deny either of us any longer. The kiss was simple, full of promise, but a couple more weeks passed before Bella and I made love for the first time.
~~IML~~~IML~~~IML~~
The night began like many of our other dates. I picked her up from the small bookstore where she worked and we enjoyed a quiet dinner at a small seafood restaurant. Bella fiddled with her napkin and water glass, before taking my hand in hers, her thumb drawing lazy circles in my palm. My heart leapt, my heart clenched, my groin tightened, and I struggled to control the raging impulse to take her home immediately and make her mine in every way. Instead, I suggested a new movie that had opened the weekend before. Bella hemmed and hawed, then asked if we could just spend the evening at her place, watching something she already had. I agreed, not caring what we did, I was just happy to be with her.
I couldn't tell you what movie Bella picked, although I'm sure she still remembers. While she selected one, I made popcorn and poured Pepsi in glasses. I never made it back to the living room. Instead, while I leaned against the counter, waiting on the microwave, Bella came to stand in front of me. With a tentative smile, she slid her hands around my waist, resting her head upon my chest with a comfortable sigh. I kissed her forehead, then her lips when she glanced up at me through her thick, dark lashes. Snuggling closer, she deepened the kiss, releasing a small moan when my hands slid under her head and my tongue stroked her bottom lip. I angled my head, wrapping one arm around her waist and pulling her hard against me, her body sliding between my thighs. Gasping, our mouths came together over and over, Bella's hands working the buttons on my shirt while I gripped her hips, resisting the urge to thrust against her. When her teeth nipped my neck, I groaned deeply, knowing I needed to stop soon, before things went too far.
"Bella, I... we... baby, we have to stop." With a deep shaky breath, I tried to set her away from me, but she wrapped her arms around my neck, trailing kisses along my jaw.
"Why?" she looked at me, trepidation in her eyes, "I want this Jasper, I want you." Punctuating her words, she ground against my throbbing erection, devouring my mouth while her fingers exploring the planes of my chest.
With an acquiescent moan, I accepted her kisses, one hand cupping her breast, the other her ass, centering her against me. Peeling off each other's shirts, our hands sought to touch, our mouths sampling, tasting, marking each other. Scooping Bella's legs from beneath her, I cradled her to my chest and strode to her to her room.
"Our first time is not going to be against a kitchen counter," I claimed her mouth, following her body to the bed. "I want this to be more than some random release. Do you understand me?" Her passion-glazed eyes sought mine, her wordless nod all the permission I needed.
Capturing her nipple between my lips, I worshipped her breasts, before kissing my way down her body. Releasing the button of her slacks, I tugged the zipper down, my hands sliding over her ass and pushing them down her legs. Her white boy shorts followed. Bella laid naked before me, desire flushing her body, lips swollen from our kisses, her hair a tangled mane on the pillow. Leaning up, she captured my mouth again, her hands fumbling on my jeans. Pushing her hand away, I broke from her mouth, removing them and my boxer briefs in one swift movement. Settling next to her, my hands explored the body I'd only been able to worship from afar before. The raw emotion pouring from her overwhelmed me, her desire evident when I slid a questing finger between the slick folds of her opening. She writhed against my hand, pushing her mound against my palm, while sinking her fingers into my hair and tugging my face close for another searing kiss.
Sitting back, I made to move from the bed. Meeting Bella's questioning gaze, I told her I wanted to grab protection from my wallet. She shook her head, telling me it wasn't necessary, she was still on birth control and she trusted me. I kissed her again, letting her know I hadn't been with anyone else for over a year, if she was certain.
"I want to feel you, Jasper, only you, when you take me. Please."
Unable to resist her plea, I moved between her thighs, my body shaking with need for the woman offering herself to me. I entered her, murmuring assurances, fighting not to declare the love I'd carried in my heart for years. Instead, I poured it into my actions, caressing her as I claimed her, moving slowly, filling her when she enveloped me, her body welcoming me, bringing me home to the only place I ever wanted to be. With her.
~~IML~~~IML~~~IML~~
We moved into each others lives, sharing our homes,our hearts, even though we never spoke of love. I was desperate to tell Bella how I felt, how much I loved her, but I worried that it would still be too much for her to process. I suppose, too, a part of me needed her to say the words first, assuring my heart that memories of what could have been wouldn't haunt our future. My desire for forever grew when we spent time with Jessie. Watching her play with the little girl, cuddling her, taking care of her, sparked a longing to see Bella with our child. Of course, my mother's not so subtle hints about grandchildren after she met Bella only fueled it. But without 'I Love You', forever seemed like an impossibility, not an eventuality. I should have known a declaration from Bella would be much like who she was: simple, unexpected, and in the most ordinary of circumstances. With a light kiss and a smile, she said the words I'd waited weeks, months, years to hear. Unable to put into words all I felt, I'd told her I loved her too, before taking her to bed and showing her.
I'd already planned to ask Bella to marry me during the holidays. I purchased the ring and hid it in the small wall safe at the office. Bella finally telling me she loved spurred me to act sooner. The anniversary party Rose, her parents, and I were throwing was coming soon and I couldn't imagine a more fitting place to ask Bella to be my wife. My parents demonstrated a good marriage by example, sharing twenty five years together, while working through their own fair share of heartbreak and hardship. Bella and my mom took a shopping trip for the party, providing the perfect opportunity to speak with my father. We'd talked in the past about my feelings for Bella and my parents had grown to love her, too, in the few months that we'd been dating. However, I worried he'd think I was rushing things, I arrived, prepared to defend my choice to ask Bella now. I shouldn't have been concerned. My parents were well aware of the depth of my feelings for Bella and had seen the change in her since we'd become a couple. He wholeheartedly supported my plan, even going so far as to suggest the perfect opportunity to pop the question, assuring me they considered it a tribute to their love that I wanted to include them in my proposal.
I picked Bella up early the next night, the ring box heavy in my suit pocket, reminding me of the enormity of the step I'd take in a few short hours. The deep green of her dress accentuated her pale beauty, she took my breath away. My hands shook and I wiped my sweating palm on my leg before taking her hand in mine, placing a light kiss on her cheek. Her hand rested in mine on the short drive to The Lodge. Thinking my nerves were due to the speech I planned to give for my parents, she squeezed my hand, reassuring me I'd do fine. Soon enough, she'd know the real reason for my nervousness.
When I stood to speak, butterflies filled my stomach. My parents beamed, tears in my mom's eyes over the words I spoke. My dad's gentle kiss on her cheek encouraged me to continue; kneeling in front of Bella, my heart in my throat, I offered my heart to the woman who'd owned it for years. Tears in her eyes, no hesitation in her voice, she accepted. The rest of the night passed in a blur of congratulations, but all I wanted to focus on was the woman in my arms.
The next six month passed in a flurry of preparations for our wedding. Bella's mom, Renee, and my mom planned the entire event. As the date approached , I noticed Bella becoming introspective. I tried not to push her, knowing she'd speak to me if when she was ready. Worried, though, I spoke with Ben. He reassured me that to his knowledge, Bella hadn't said anything to Angela about regretting her decision. He advised patience, agreeing that she'd talk to me if or when she needed to. A few days later, heading to the office from a clients house, I spied Bella's car parked at the cemetery. I'd only been there once since the accident, on the anniversary of Edward and Alice's death, to support Bella while she visited our departed friends. Somehow, I knew she was visiting Edward, seeking his blessing. I pulled in next to her car, stepping out of the truck when I saw her walking toward me. Lost in thought, she didn't see me until she reached the end of the path. When she looked up at me, her tear-stained cheeks caused my heart to clench, only loosening with the hesitant smile she offered. I let her know I accepted her need to let go and she reassured me of her love.
~~IML~~~IML~~~IML~~
The ringing of my cell phone dragged me from my thoughts.. Seeing Bella's number, I smiled.
"Hey, baby, everything okay?"
The answering giggle wasn't my wife. "Hey, Jazz, it's Ang. Bella's a bit busy breathing right now, but I thought you might want to meet us at the hospital. Her water just broke."
"What? Wait, it's too early. Is she okay? Tell her not to panic, I'll be there as fast as I can."
Angela giggled again and I heard Bella's laugh in the background.
"Honey, it's me. I'm fine, calm down. Baby and I will be waiting for you at the hospital. Drive safely, okay?" I heard Bella's sharp intake of breath, before she continued. "I love you."
Snapping my phone closed, I raced out of the office, locking the door behind me. I called Renee and Charlie, then my parents on the way, letting them know the baby was on its way.
Bella had been adamant about not knowing the sex of the baby and I agreed. It didn't matter. The baby was ours. Boy, girl, I didn't care. I almost missed the parking lot, reversing in the middle of the road to make the turn. I ran in the door of the hospital, meeting Ben in the lobby.
"They've already taken her to maternity. I'm waiting on Rose and Emmett. Did you call your parents?
"Yeah, I got both sets and their on their way. I'll see you up there."
"Go, Jasper." As I headed to the elevators he called out to me. Turning, I met his broad smile. "Congratulations, Daddy."
Daddy. It was really happening. I punched the button for the maternity floor, tapping my hand against the wall, glaring at the doors that seemed to take forever to open. I shoved my way out as soon as they did, rushing to the admissions desk.
"Isabella Whitlock?"
"Room 215, Mr Whitlock. The doctor is with her now. She's doing great."
With a wave over my head in acknowledgement, I darted to her room. Angela stood next to Bella, holding her hand, while the doctor spoke. He paused when I entered, greeting me, and quickly reiterated all that he'd told Bella already. When I expressed my concern about it being too soon, he laughed, telling me babies have their own time tables and Bella's due date was only a little over two weeks away. He looked at the monitors again before he left, telling Bella to relax and rest so she'd be ready for delivery.
The next few hours seemed interminable. Our parents stopped in, wishing well, before heading to the waiting room. It was a first grandchild for both families and they were giddy with expectation. Rose peeked her head in to say 'Hi' and let Bella know that she and Em were there, too. Bella dozed occasionally, but as her contractions grew, she found it harder and asked me to sit with her. Holding her hand, I wiped her forehead with a cool cloth, encouraging her, and promising to never leave her. Four hours in, a nurse came to check Bella's progress. She smiled, telling us it was time and paged the doctor.
Forty-five painful minutes later, Nathaniel Charles Edward Whitlock entered the world with a wail of discontent at the sudden change in his surroundings. I cut the cord, then held my wrapped son to meet his mother for the first time. Tears streamed down both of our faces as we looked at the miracle we'd been blessed with.
Thanks so much to everyone who was able to contribute to the Tsunami relief efforts.