RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE CRAZY FREAK IS BACK! OHMIGHDOHMIGHDOHMIGHDOHMI...

September 8, 2009

"Alright class, listen up. My name is Rouge the Bat. The next few months will be the most mind-numbing you will have ever experienced in your lives."

I sat quietly in the back row, jotting down everything this "teacher" was going on about without making so much as a peep.

"It's gonna take a lot of work, sweat, and justice if you wanna pass my institution with flying colors. There will be no time for pleasant conversations whatsoever with the freaks sitting next to you. I guarantee that half the class is here to do just that." I just wanted to laugh. "The remainder of you who don't care about good grades and good studies and such are here to look at my tits." The whole class probably wanted to laugh. "And let me remind you that yes, I have a boyfriend." Now THAT was funny. "That's the last time you'll ever hear me say that in front of this troubled class. Also, I get to brag that no first-year has ever passed my class." I hoped she wasn't trying to single me out. "With that said, for those of you who DO care about good grades and good studies and such, your homework will be grueling. It will take up the majority of your free time. And if you believe in the absence of justice for all, some of you might not make it out of here alive." One glance at the back of the room justified that statement very well. "And what in the hell are you writing, young man?" (or... hedgehog)

I noticed the teacher upon me right as I turned my view away from the back of the room, which featured quite the disturbing sight. She picked up the loose-leaf paper from my desk and eyed it suspiciously, perhaps to catch any note-passing or whatever else was banned in the classroom. She put it back down and leaned towards me, the business expression frozen on her face.

"Careful," she warned coldly. "Hard work does kill."

Still eyeing me with that cold stare, she strolled backwards, ever so slowly, each step more intimidating than the last, to the front of the room. Only then did her view strike back upon the rest of the class. But then I noticed half the other students looking at me as if I was a freak on a leash. Well, that's kinda how I felt for the last three months. I was just waiting for someone to gossip about me or laugh at me.

"As I was saying, at the end of the year, how you do on your final exams will reflect your pace, dedication, brain capacity, study habits, and nerve to cheat the system." Her left eye twitched violently on that last bit. "You'll notice that I do not grade any assignments until the day of 'the' exam. Now you might be wondering, 'How do I know how I'm doing on the homework?' I don't know, find a study buddy or something." How did she know that was my weak point?! "What I'm doing here is going to prepare you for the real world! I will never be able to stress that enough! Mein Führer, what is wrong with you freaks!"

Something in my mind tried to disclose my craving to open up to the entire class. I don't know why I let it take over. Maybe it had to do with my Asperger's, at least if it was still intact all those months after "the incident".

"Ok, when I call your name, please indicate that you're present, perfect, past participle, past subjunctive, whatever." (This is not English class, Rouge!) "Alli the Cat."

"Here," said a girl from the other corner, right in front of the teacher's desk.

"Anthony the Hawk."

"Here."

"Athens the Darkwing."

"Here."

So the list was in alphabetical order. Hoop-dee-freakin'-doo. "Uh, Bob Barker."

"Quit calling me that!" some guy from the opposite end of the room snapped.

"No. You're a germ shepherd and everyone calls you Bobby, so it's win-win." I'm pretty sure she meant German. "Also because I like the real Bob Barker." WOW!

She glanced back at the clipboard, and then announced, "Everyone say hi to Bones the Raccoon." Dead silence. "No? Ok then. Carl the Ffffffedgehox?"

The list went on with names I'd never heard of: Herman the Lion (Herman Li), Joseph the King Prawn (Joe King), Wyatt the Wiisel (Wy Wii), yes actual spelling...

"Zenith the Hedgehog..." Her left eye twitched again!

Either the entire class caught that subtle muscle spasm, or they were aware that the teacher had some sort of thing involving me, myself, and pi. I was practically sweating a cup of animal sweat for each intimidating footstep she took back to my seat!

"First question I'm going to ask you is: what year is it?"

"First off, I'm sure you're all wondering, 'Just what we need math for, anyway?' The thing is, I'm not gonna tell you. I just don't see a point in doing so anymore since I only get one pass a year. And if you think that's hard, wait until you check out Rouge's history class. I don't know why she brags that her class is unbeatable." Unless you are the Mongols. "Whatever. That's none of my business anyway. Let's just get going with some quick math problems. What is the square root of -338?"

Immediately the silence spread among every other freak sitting at a very poorly organized desk. My obvious fear of opening up to the whole class was really showing. I could feel it.

"Come on now, don't be shy. Let's get an answer. Yes, Clyde?"

"Twelve?"

"Ok, now let's get an answer from someone who isn't a complete retard. Anyone at all."

She started to look through that infamous clipboard where the attendance was always taken. Stereotypically technologically challenged much.

"Zenith, how about you?"

Right when I got uncomfortably hot, someone in the front yelled, "I think I know the answer, Miss Rose!"

Someone else in that same row mocked him with a girly meh-meh-meh tone.

"Shut up, you slut!"

"HEY! DON'T CALL ME A SLUT, YOU FUCKING KLOTZKOPF!"

"SHEENA! DID YOU JUST SAY THE 'F' WORD?!"

She probably looked like she had no clue what the teacher just said. "You mean 'klotzkopf'?" Basic proof that they could speak all these languages.

"No, she meant 'fuck'. You can't say 'fuck' in school, you fuckin' slut!"

"IVAN!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"SHEENA!"

"Dude, you just said 'fuck' again."

"ROBERT!"

"Fnnk!" said a muffled voice through a thick bandana.

"KENNY!"

I didn't care how funny this was about to get; it just had to stop right now. I just stood straight up to the side of my assigned desk. "I KNOW THE GOD-FORSAKEN ANSWER!" And I did not regret it. Not one bit. Not even when the entire math class turned towards my direction to notice the short freak with his left hand shot up. Not even when this particular teacher made the same forward motion to my desk as the history teacher: slow and dramatic and creepy. Everyone else in the room looked like they couldn't even count.

"Tell me, what kind of a math class do you think this is?" she sneered. Her conspicuous look seemed even more conspicuous when directed towards me. "I start every year with this kind of math problem, which I always tell the class is a trick question, and no one has ever given me the correct answer, even when I insist that there is a correct answer. I don't know if you've figured it out by now, but our 'school' is completely unregulated, so we teachers have the pride of assigning our students whatever the hell we want. And you're telling me that you know the 'God-forsaken answer'? Then why is your hair so ridiculous? Did you screw up a science experiment, or did you mean to make your hair color and your fur color contrast like this? You do nothing, you know nothing, you sit in your room all day and dig your pencil into your nubbish brain! I am a former lightweight champion boxer and you, you are a complete, total, disgraceful... n00b! Who are you?! Where do you come from?!" I remained silent for the longest time. It wasn't that I couldn't reply to her intense interrogation, but that I didn't want to.

Suddenly my shirt was pulled forward with so much force that I almost felt it come off. "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, HEDGEHOG!? WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!"

I already had an idea as to the answer I'd give this bitch before she yelled that infamous line. I realized then that I should've worn my Twisted Sister pin. I glanced back at the rest of the class for the longest time. Every other freak not in my seat followed suit, not letting up at all. I finally faced Amy again, more firm and contemptuous than ever.

"I WANNA ROCK."