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Thank you to my best friend for editing this. All reviews and critiques are welcomed!
Spencer sat on the couch in his apartment while Derek was out grabbing something for them to eat for dinner. They had returned a little while ago from their case in Palmdale, California and since Spencer was one of the ones who jumped into the lake to get the unsub, Derek had offered to get the food.
So there he sat, cross legged with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and staring at the floor.
This was a common thing he found himself doing after cases. Taking the the time to sort through the memories of the recent case, everything he had learned. While he couldn't get rid of them permanently he found this was a way to suppress some memories he didn't particularly want to recall.
"Come on guys, gentle lights, shadow figures? Those are the lights in the emergency room and the doctors hovering over patients, we all know that. No one actually sees the afterlife."
"I did. Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me, I had that exact experience. I wasn't in an emergency room. I was in a shed."
"Reid, you never told me that."
That was the one memory Spencer couldn't sort anywhere, the one that wouldn't go away. It was there when they arrested Chase Whitaker. It was their on the plane ride home and now that he was sitting in his home, it still wouldn't go away.
He at first regretted admitting the fact, no matter knowing that it would help them with the case. He could see the hurt in Derek's eye that that was something that he had left out, after everything that the two had gone through after Tobias Hankel.
It was easy for Spencer to fall back into the earliest memories of his and Derek's relationship. From how they moved from best friends into a relationship after a weekend that had thrown them both for a loop.
It had been a few days after the case in New Orleans when Morgan had shown up at Spencer's door at 3 in the morning. He wasn't surprised to find Spencer wide awake when he answered the door.
"What?" Spencer had spat out. Morgan never flinched.
"I'm here to help." Was all he said and put a foot inside the slightly opened door. The two of them stared at each other for a couple of minutes before Spencer gave in and stepped aside to let Derek into the apartment.
Derek looked around the younger man's home, not surprised to see it was a mess.
"What exactly are you here to help with?" Spencer asked as he collapsed into one of the recliners near the couch.
"I think we both know exactly what I'm here for, Reid," Derek said as he sat down on the couch closest to Spencer.
Spencer licked his lips and stared at the other agent hoping he would just go away, let him do this on his own. He had been so far.
"You shouldn't be here," Spencer mumbled out as he brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.
"I'm not going anywhere Spencer, I'm not going to leave you alone."
Spencer closed his eyes in attempt to stop the tears from falling. He could hear in Derek's voice that he was honest.
"You don't need to see me like this."
"I'm not going anywhere," Derek said, reaching over to Spencer and taking one of the thin man's hands in his own.
Spencer found himself smiling at the memory. If anyone besides Garcia asked, everything got started after the case in Texas with Owen Savage, but the three of them knew it was that weekend where everything came out.
Spencer reluctantly took his hand out from Derek's and stood up, making his way towards the kitchen. He could hear Derek following behind him.
Spencer scratched his elbow and reached into the cabinet, pulling out two mugs.
"Wants some?" He asked Derek who nodded in response. As Spencer started the coffee maker, he turned around and hopped himself up on the kitchen counter next to it.
He knew his appearance wasn't something Derek was used to, it wasn't how he wanted Derek to see him. Ever. That's why he had taken the week off from work.
Spencer knew his hair was a complete mess, that his eyes were completely bloodshot. There were scratch marks on his arms and he was a little more pale than he usually was.
"How long have you known?" Spencer asked as he started to play with the sleeve of his shirt and looked down at the floor.
Derek shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. "I was suspicious for a little while. Then I noticed the signs in Houston. Once you missed the plane in Louisiana, then I knew I needed to help."
"Why?" Spencer asked and finally looked up at Derek.
"Because you don't need be alone."
"You don't need-" Spencer began once again looking to the floor.
Derek cut him off by grabbing his chin and forcing it up gently so they could see each other eye to eye. "I don't need to be here Pretty Boy, but I definitely want to be here."
He watched as Spencer's mouth opened and closed a few times, then his hazel eyes got a little blurry. "Thank you," he whispered and Derek gave him a soft smile.
Spencer smiled at the memory. There were times after Hankel that he thought people were just going to push him away until he left like Gideon. Derek was definitely the reason he had stayed.
Spencer ended up falling asleep in the recliner chair and Derek on the couch a couple hours after Derek had shown up at his door. He was the first of the two to wake up and yelped slightly when he saw Derek snoring away on his couch.
He quickly recalled the memory of only a few hours before and took a deep breath before standing up, silently making his way towards the bathroom.
As he walked in, he carefully picked up the lid off the back of the toilet. He placed it on the floor and then reached into to grab the plastic bag that was taped above the overflow tube and pulled it out. He quickly replaced the lid and looked at the bag in his hands.
Spencer licked his lips and opened it, pulling the two bottles of dilaudid out and glared at him.
He was debating with himself. He knew he had to get rid of them because he wanted to keep his job, his friends, and his family but the drug made it so easy for him to forget all the things he wish he could.
Opening the lid to one bottle, he poured it into the toilet, quickly doing the same with the other. After he dropped both bottles into the garbage can near the sink and grabbed the plastic bag, dumping the syringes into the toilet.
"Out of sight, out of mind," he mumbled even though he knew that saying could never be true for him. "Do it for her, do it for him," he said and flushed the toilet, letting out a relieved sigh as everything disappeared.
He took a quick shower and changed into a t-shirt, flannel pants and his glasses and made his way back into the main rooms of his apartment. When he got there, he was surprised to see Derek was no longer on the couch.
Spencer raised an eyebrow in confusion and looked around. He saw Derek's jacket hanging on the rack near the door, his keys and wallet on the cabinet closest to it.
"I'm in the kitchen, Reid!" Derek's voice called out causing Spencer to jump slightly. He ran a hand through his hair as he made his way towards his kitchen and found Derek standing in front of the stove cooking what looked to be french toast.
"Morning," Spencer mumbled as he took a seat on the counter across from Morgan after grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
"Good morning, hungry?" Derek asked as he took the french toast out of the pan and put it on the two plates next to the stove.
Spencer shrugged and nodded as he followed Derek into the living room with another bottle water for Derek and the utensils.
After eating, the two sat on the couch in an awkward silence. Spencer kept rubbing his nose and his stomach, trying to will away the nausea.
"I've been technically in withdrawal for three days," Spencer said after another few minutes. He knew Morgan wanted to ask but just didn't know how to go about it.
"You look surprised," Spencer pointed out.
Morgan coughed slightly and shrugged. "I sort of came prepared ready to fight you tooth and nail." he explained, laughing slightly.
Spencer smiled. "That would've been...interesting," he said, chuckling at the thought.
Over the next two days, Spencer was just waiting for Derek to leave. He kept yelling at him even though he didn't do anything. He begged him for the drugs but Derek never let up.
"Why are you still here," Spencer whispered as he wiped away tears. The two of them were in Spencer's bedroom. He had accused Derek of being there only because he felt obligated and told him he never wanted to see him again.
"Because I don't want you to be alone," Derek said as he sat on the bed in front of Spencer and took his hands in his own.
"I deserve to be alone," Spencer mumbled as he tried to pull away but he knew no matter what Derek was stronger. "I don't want anyone to see me like this, especially you."
Derek bit his lip and had to blink away the tears. He would never get used to the sight of Spencer crying, he absolutely hated him seeing him like this but there was no where else he'd rather be.
Derek doubled checked everywhere in apartment possible the day before looking for the left over dilaudid and was relieved to find out that Spencer had got ridden of it himself.
Most of the main symptoms were gone, which he was thankful for. He had prepared himself for the worse. He had never seen Spencer so angry but he knew it was because of the detox.
He saw Spencer shiver as the man in front of him on the bed continued to break down.
"I'm proud of you, you know that," Derek said as his thumbs massaged the back of Spencer's hands, trying to help him calm down.
"Why? I'm weak," Spencer sobbed out. "I'm just like my goddamn father. I'm weak, I couldn't handle my mom and I put her away. I'm afraid half the time to go visit her. How is that something to be proud of?"
Spencer opened his eyes and they were still bloodshot from both the lack of sleep and the detox.
"You are not weak," Derek told him and watched as Reid closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Yes, I am. You don't understand," Spencer cried.
"Then help me Spencer. Help me help you." Derek forced his voice to stay calm. It wouldn't help either of them if he lost it.
Spencer bit his lip and looked at Derek before shaking his head. "You don't want to know. You'll hate me even more."
With every word Derek felt his heart breaking and he squeezed Spencer's hands. "Tell me, Pretty Boy. Let me in, I'm not going anywhere."
Over the next hour Derek listened as Spencer stumbled and stuttered over what had happened in the shed, everything they hadn't seen and what the team didn't know, most likely would never know. Derek never let go of Spencer's hands It hurt knowing that Spencer had gone through all that alone.
"So, you're going to leave now right?" Spencer asked, his voice completely flat.
"Why would I do that?"
Spencer let out a dark chuckle. "I'm weak, I gave in. I shouldn't be on this team."
Derek bit his lip and shook his head. "Reid, look at me."
Spencer remained still, his gaze on his lap.
"Spencer, please look at me," he waited until Spencer's eyes were on his own. "You're not weak. Don't ever think that. If anything, you're one of the strongest on our team."
Spencer scoffed. "Right, don't lie to me."
Derek shook his head. "Spencer, it hurt watching you on those screens. I wanted Hankel's head on a stick. Especially after seeing you laying on the floor."
"But with the dila-"
"That wasn't your fault. This will never be your fault. It was forced on to you." Derek took a deep breath before continuing. "I was so scared that I would never see you again."
"I'm sorry, I should've stayed with JJ, I shouldn't have-" Spencer was cut off as Derek pulled him forward into embrace. Spencer didn't even fight and wrapped his arms around Derek, sobbing into his shoulder.
"You have nothing to ever be sorry for Spencer, remember that," Derek mumbled into Spencer's hair as he tightened his hold on the other man.
The two remained like that for a while. Nothing was said between them yet everything was out in the open and could be heard.
"Never leave me again, Pretty Boy," Derek ordered, kissing Spencer on the forehead.
Spencer shook his and pulled away from Derek before leaning forward and kissing Derek full on the lips. Derek reacted immediately and kissed him back. The feeling between the two of them just felt right.
"I don't plan on it anytime soon," Spencer mumbled as he pulled away and rested his head on Derek's shoulder as the other man rubbed his back, smiling slightly.
Spencer grinned at the memory. There had been a few things between Derek and himself. Everything from anthrax, to being shot and their own personal demons, but the two of them since then had kept their promise.
Spencer jumped slightly as he heard the front door open and Derek walked through the door. As he turned around, his grinned matched that of Spencer's as he walked over and sat down next to him. He placed the bag of food on the coffee table in front of them and wrapped an arm around Spencer, pulling him into his side.
"What're you thinking about?" Derek asked as he turned his head and kissed Spencer on the top of his head.
Spencer shrugged slightly as he wrapped both his arms around Derek. "I'm sorry I never told you about the whole 'afterlife' thing," he mumbled out and bit his lip slightly.
Derek frowned slightly and looked down at him. "I understand why you didn't. I'm just glad you kept your promise. I'm glad you still here," he said as he bent down and kissed Spencer. "What brought this on though? I thought we talked about it already."
Spencer kissed him on the jaw before settling into his side. "I guess I just got Georgia on my mind."