The Nightclub Revisited:10 years later

by Bellini Girl

The Nightclub is back! Different penname, but still the same insanity!

1. Default Chapter

The Nightclub Revisited : 10 Years Later

DAY 1 Katie Greenleaf put down her suitcases and glanced around her. This was the dock her sister had told her that her boat was moored at, but she couldn't see any ship that matched the description Jack Sparrow had given her.

"Where is it?" asked Arwen, pausing briefly in the process of strangling Elladan whilst simultaneously berating Elrohir.

"I don't know," replied Katie peering at the directions she had been given.

"Hey! Katie!" Her sister suddenly appeared on dock wearing an extremely skimpy string bikini.

"Hi!" Frankie stepped up beside her wearing an identical bikini.

"Hi!" said Katie. "Errrr.....why are you wearing bikinis? Aren't they a little impractical?"

"Well I thought so, too.........but Jack said that all female pirates have to wear them.....it's a law or something."

"I don't know of any law-" began Katie suspiciously but Jack Sparrow suddenly appeared behind Becky and shook his head dramatically whilst making throat-cutting motions.

"Er-hi Jack......where's the boat?"

"Right here!" said Jack proudly, pointing dramatically at a tiny rotten wooden boat. The mast was leaning at a 45 degree angle and Luka and Will were frantically bailing water out of the bottom, helped by a little dark- haired boy who more than slightly resembled a cat in his movements. Katie thought that they might as well sail in a sieve, except that this boat seemed to be more than slightly smaller.

"Er............I thought you told me it was a galleon-with separate rooms, twenty cannons and three masts? Which rivalled the most powerful ship in the navy?"

"Yes, well......perhaps I was a little.....economical with the truth," said Jack, "but it's still a fine boat. Good enough for anyone who chooses to sail in her."

He jumped down into the boat. There was a loud splintering sound and he went through the bottom of the boat, which rapidly began to fill with water.

"Errrrrrrr.......all right, maties..........BAIL FASTER!"

He bent and grabbed a bucket and joined the other three in frantically bailing out water, but to no avail. The boat rapidly sank deeper and deeper until water was flowing over the sides.

"What's our next step, Jack?" asked Luka, rolling up his trousers.

"Captain Jack! Err..abandon ship!"

They all leapt out as the ship sank below the waves, leaving only the top of the wonky mast poking out above the water.

"Well, I need a new ship," said Jack, twirling his moustache.

"You don't say," said Katie sarcastically.

Jack Sparrow narrowed his eyes. "An idea!" he cried, running in the direction of the main port. "Follow me!"

Ten minutes later the group were crouching under a jetty looking at a ship.

"That's mine," said Jack, "that's the one I'm having."

Katie snorted. "That's the fastest, most powerful ship ever. It's guarded by two separate squads of highly trained soldiers and I can't see how you could afford to buy it, even if they would sell it to you."

"Yes, well, I usually find the whole process of actually paying for the ship a little unnecessary," said Jack.

"WHAT? You're going to steal it?"

"COMMANDEER it! There's a slight difference."

"All right, so how exactly are you planning to steal-"

"COMMANDEER!"

"Commandeer this boat right from underneath the noses of all those guards?"

"Welllllll, I'm glad you asked me that. That's where you two come in." He produced two floral dresses from the depths of his jacket and held them out to Arwen and Frankie.

"Now m'dears, as the prettiest two ladies who are not my officers, you need to don these and chat up one squad each to distract them."

"OK," said Arwen, grabbing a dress.

"No way," said Frankie.

"Oh, go on."

"NO! It's demeaning!"

"Your friend doesn't seem to think so."

"My friend has been known to dance on tables wearing only a bra and thong!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Oh damn. Well, we need the next prettiest...."

Katie pointed at herself in an extremely obvious way.

".....Will, you do it!" He held out the dress to Will.

"WHAT? Why me?"

"You're the only other one apart from Becky who's pretty enough to pull this off-"

"Hey!" shouted Katie.

"- and she can't do it because as first mate I need her with me as we commandeer the ship!"

"I am not going to wear a dress!"

"Mate, you have to. If you don't we'll have to go back and wash dishes for Barbossa again and you know how that washing liquid brought you out in hives!"

Will winced at the memory and grabbed the dress before climbing into it sullenly.

"All right, mates, now that these two lovely ladies are ready to go, I'll explain what you lot have to do. First-Becky, you have to be the leader. Do all the threatening, steering and so on. Machka, you have to climb up the mast and raise my flag."

Becky and the little dark-haired boy nodded.

"Luka, you just stand at the back looking all intense and threatening. Savvy?"

"Da."

"And speak English, mate, please. Now, Katie, you're the lookout. Climb to the top of that pole there and if you see any soldiers besides this sorry lot coming, whistle. OK?"

"Yes," muttered Katie.

"You two just back up the others and raise anchor, OK?" he said to Elladan and Elrohir.

"Sure."

"OK, go!"

Arwen and Will strolled over towards the soldiers, fluttering handkerchiefs and twirling their parasols.

"Swing your hips more, boy!" hissed Jack, and Will, blushing furiously, obeyed.

Moments later, the soldiers distracted by Will and Arwen, Becky, Luka and Machka crept towards the ship and crawled up the gangplank with Elladan and Elrohir close behind. Katie and Jack went over to the pole and started to climb up it.

"Remind me again......why am I helping you?"

"Because otherwise you'll have to sleep on the street for the rest of your stay."

"Why are you climbing up with me?"

"Got to make a dramatic entrance, love-I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. I can't just waltz on, can I? Got to do something memorable!"

"Errrrrrrr........right.........."

There was a loud snap as the protruding bit of pole Jack was balancing on gave way and he fell down into a container of spices with a loud thump.

"Atchoo!Atchoooo!ATCHOOOOOOO!" He sat up and started rubbing his nose to try and get the spices out.

Will, sensing disaster as the soldiers checked to see where the commotion was coming from, decided to 'do an Elizabeth' as the action had become known.

"I can't breathe!" he choked in an extremely high voice before pretending to faint dramatically. It had the desired effect-all the soldiers clustered round to see if 'she' was OK. Becky, Luka and the others took advantage of this and climbed quickly onto the ship before raising anchor and letting out the sails.

"ATCHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, it burns!" moaned Jack, rubbing his eyes. Katie shinned down the pole and ran onto the ship. The soldiers, noticing what was going on, started to stand up and turn round, but Arwen quickly solved this problem by ripping open the front of her dress. Will got up, ran past the entranced soldiers and went straight to the helm of the ship, which was soon moving quickly away from the jetty.

"Where's Jack?" he asked.

"He wanted to make a dramatic entrance," replied Katie.

"Atchoo! Atchooo!" She looked up to see Jack swinging towards them from the top of the pole on a conveniently placed rope. He swung over the deck, completely missed the helm and knocked Luka overboard before swinging back and crashing into the mast.

"Owwwwww......ATCHOOOO!" he moaned, rubbing his head.

"Great entrance," said Katie sarcastically, hauling Luka back over the side. "Real dignified."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "Where's Rat Boy?"

"His name is Machka," said Becky coldly. "And he's sitting on top of the mast fastening on that weird flag you bought."

"It's not weird!" said Jack indignantly. "It's a modern take on the Jolly Roger."

"It's neon," said Becky.

"True," said Jack. "Anyway, great job Will! Really convinced them that you were a woman."

Will stuck out his bottom lip and crossed his arms.

"Oh, you're not STILL sulking about my making you pretend to be a woman, are you?"

Will nodded petulantly.

"Oh, cheer up. I'll make it up to you."

"Look, I'm going to go below deck and change out of these wet clothes," said Luka.

"Yeah, yeah, mind you don't trip over Will's lip on your way past."

Will's glare intensified dramatically.

"Oh come on."

"No."

"I'll buy you presents."

Will looked up. "Nice ones?"

"Taken from that list I found in your diary."

"OK-HEY!"

"What?"

"Why'd you read my diary?"

"Errr...well.......I'll buy you a hat as well. A really big one. With a feather and everything. Now, do we have an accord?"

Will considered this briefly before his face broke into a huge grin.

"Good. Now put on speed, they'll be chasing us!"

That evening Jack cooked dinner as a congratulatory treat for the crew. To the backdrop of evil smells and repeated cursing from the kitchen, the rest of the crew and guests discussed pretty much everything.

"Do you think he'll be offended if we don't eat anything he's cooked?" asked Katie, nervously eyeing the black foul-smelling smoke billowing from the kitchen.

"Don't know," said Will. "Hey, why didn't you bring Legolas?"

"He had recurring nightmares about what the sea breeze would do to his hair," said Katie. "In the end I told him that he didn't have to come."

"Oh, OK."

"So why is the kid called Machka?" asked Arwen.

"It's Croatian for 'cat', said Luka.

"We both thought that it suited him," said Becky.

"What exactly is his role in the crew?"

"He climbs the mast to check for other ships around here, sneaks around in covert operations and distracts guards so that we can steal stuff," said Will.

"Oh. How old is he?"

"Seven. But he's really smart."

"Food's up!"

Jack Sparrow swept in and put a covered silver dish on the table.

"Ta-da!" He whipped off the cover to reveal an entire chicken. "Roast chicken. It's a family recipe."

"What's that sauce?"

"Rum."

"Oh.....well, what have you boiled the vegetables with?" asked Katie, prodding the soggy carrots.

"Rum."

"OK.....what's the side dish?"

"Potatoes sauteed with onions, soaked in-"

"-Rum?"

Jack Sparrow looked at her. "That's right. Have I cooked for you before?"

"Errrrr......no."

The chicken suddenly gave a loud, strangled cluck and staggered to its feet.

"Jack, I don't think this chicken is properly cooked........or even dead yet!" said Katie, steering it away from her plate with the napkin.

"Oh, well, that's easily solved," said Jack, pulling out a cricket bat.

The chicken's eyes widened and it flew off the table and over the side of the boat.

They watched it flapping away unsteadily into the distance.

"Oh, well...........who wants vegetables?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"No, I'm really not hungry.."

"I'll pass, actually-"

"I'm going to bed," announced Becky loudly before standing up. "If anyone wants to join me, they can," she said significantly, winking at Luka.

Katie rolled her eyes. Her sister had never been entirely subtle or dignified in her approach towards men.

Becky waltzed out of the room and Luka eagerly stood to follow her before remembering the guests. He sighed heavily and sat down again.

"So how's that weird goat thing of yours?" he asked Katie unenthusiastically.

"Cedric? He's fine. Erm-you can go if you want."

"Thank you," said Luka, running out of the door.

"Sorry dinner was such a mess," said Jack, swigging from a bottle. "I'll cook breakfast tomorrow to make up for it-"

"No! I mean-no, you really don't need to go to all that trouble," said Katie. !I'll make the breakfast."

"Oh, OK." Jack stood up and wandered over to the barrel of rum to refill his bottle. He drank deeply before deciding to sit down where he was so that he didn't have to walk all the way back to his chair at the table. Unfortunately there wasn't a chair where he was standing and he fell backwards onto the floor.

"Whoa.....are-are you OK?" he said to Will.

"Fine," said Will. "Maybe you should go to bed now."

"Maybe I should," slurred Jack, standing up and staggering out of the door.

"I think I'll turn in as well," said Frankie, stretching out her arms and yawning before heading over to the door.

"I'll join you," said Will, following her. "You guys are sleeping in cabin 7. Down two flights of stairs, then turn right and it's third on the left," he explained to Katie.

"OK," said Katie, getting up. "You guys coming?" she asked the elves.

"Sure," they replied, following her down to the cabin and leaving Machka perched on top of the mast.

DAY 2

"Good morning!" said Katie cheerfully as she emerged above deck. "Everyone sleep well?"

Everyone muttered in the affirmative before returning to their breakfast, which consisted of eggs boiled in-

"Ewwwwww! Is this rum?" asked Katie, spitting out her mouthful.

"Yep," hiccoughed Jack Sparrow, who was on his seventh helping.

"Shame on you! It's eight 'o'clock in the morning!"

"Yes, well, here it is," he said, "But in Beijing, it's eight PM!"

Katie rolled her eyes and in doing so spotted Machka on top of the mast in exactly the same position he'd been in the night before.

"Does that kid ever sleep?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, we assume that he must do," said Luka.

"But we've yet to figure out when," continued Becky.

Suddenly something on the horizon caught Katie's eye. She peered closely at it.

"Hey-there's a ship painted black with black sails on the horizon," she said. "It's heading towards us."

"What?" said Jack, leaping to his feet and peering through his telescope. "Damn, it's those Agent Smiths again!"

"What?"

"Ever since I ran off to sea with this lot they've been following me. They used to just use lilos and rubber dinghies but recently they built their own ship and we've had no peace since," explained Becky.

"It's reputed to be even faster than this one," said Will, letting out the sails as Jack seized the helm.

Katie peered through the telescope. Sure enough the ship was swarming with dozens of Agent Smiths, all sporting the same inane grin.

"Faster, mate, faster!" yelled Jack, draining a bottle of rum and casting it overboard.

"They're gaining on us!" yelled Frankie.

"Start jettisoning everything we can afford to lose!" shouted Will, casting the breakfast table overboard.

"I'm on it!" shouted Frankie, chucking various coils of rope and crates of food over the side. The others followed suit.

"OK, this next!" yelled Becky, seizing the enormous barrel of rum.

"NO! No, not the rum!" shouted Jack, staggering towards her. Becky ignored him and heaved it over the side.

"No! THE RUM!" screamed Jack, hurling himself over the side after it.

Unfortunately one of his bootstraps caught on a protruding nail and he was left dangling upside down from the side of the ship.

"The rum!" he sobbed. Why is the rum gone?" he wailed, watching the barrel bobbing away into the distance.

"It was slowing us down!" said Becky. "We had to chuck it along with everything else!"

"But why is the rum gone?" shrieked Jack inconsolably. "Couldn't we have just chucked Will overboard?"

"Cheer up!" said Frankie. "Look, we're outpacing them now!" Jack looked. The Agent Smiths were indeed falling behind due to a broken mast, apparently caused by one of them high-kicking it out of frustration. The Agent Smiths now wore matching frowns.

Becky hauled Jack back onto the deck, where he sat, shivering and inconsolable, for the rest of the day. By the evening Becky was extremely worried.

"Come on, we're going to Tortuga tomorrow to pick up Brandy, Mima, Neo and Trinity. We can buy more rum then."

"Rum," muttered Jack, looking suicidal. The situation was not helped by the sound of the Agent Smiths holding a loud and raucous party with the rum they had fished out of the water.

DAY 3

"Hey Jack, we need to leave now if we're going to be on time to meet Neo and Trinity in the town centre!" shouted Katie, loading crates of rum bought from dockside retailers into the hold.

"OK!" he yelled back from his position under the tap on one of the barrels. He took one last gulp of rum before standing up and walking down the gangplank.

"I'll stay behind and load up the rest of the supplies, you go," said Will.

"OK!" said the guests and the rest of the crew, following Jack down the jetty and into the town centre. Will waved as they rounded the corner.

"Where are we meeting them?" asked Frankie.

"Mouse and Cypher are dropping them off outside the Sick Pig pub," replied Jack.

"Where's that?" asked Katie.

"Just down here-hey! Cristalle!"

He waved at a red-haired girl wearing a tight-fitting dress. She glared, stormed over and slapped Jack hard.

"Pig!" She stormed off again.

"Owwwwww.... I'm not sure I deserved that," said Jack, rubbing his cheek. He suddenly spotted another girl coming over.

"Hey! Jezebel!"

The girl stomped over and slapped him.

"Bastard!" She minced off after Cristalle.

"Ouch.....Not sure I deserved that either," said Jack, twirling his moustache.

Suddenly his eyes lit up. "Cynthia!"

Cynthia stormed over with a look of thunder on her face. She slapped him twice on each cheek.

"Git!" She stamped off.

"I suppose you didn't deserve that either," said Katie sarcastically.

"No, that I deserved," conceded Jack.

"What's with all the girls?" asked Katie.

"Well, you know how some sailors have a girl in every port?"

"Yeeeeeeaaaaaah?"

"Well I'm going for more of a 'every girl in a port' thing, if you know what I mean."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"We always know what you mean."

"Hey! Jack!" shouted a voice from across the street.

"Hey, William. How've you been?" Jack strode across the street and went up to a brown haired man. Katie followed him.

"I've been fine. Wow! You've changed-you look almost virtuous!"

"Yeah."

Suddenly one of the two guys standing next to him started giggling before stopping abruptly.

"What's up with him?" asked Jack.

"Drank some really bad rum. Now I think he's finally lost it."

"Why?"

"Because he keeps calling me 'Captain' and keeps barking and growling at strangers," replied William.

"Oh. Who's the other one?"

"Another casualty of the whisky. He's convinced he's Jesus at the moment, but last night he thought he was Elvis, so he's pretty fickle. Hey, do you remember that time we dressed up as Church of England clerics?"

"Yeah! Do you remember that thing with the priests and the duck?"

"Oh, that was the best. What about the thing with Swedish choirgirls?"

"Oh, yeah! That was great. Better than Tortuga, even."

"I'll say."

"Shouldn't we go and meet Neo and Trinity?" broke in Katie.

"Oh, yeah. Listen, I'll see you soon, mate, but I've got to be going."

"Sure, see you."

Jack waved as they walked away.

They rounded a corner and Neo and a heavily pregnant Trinity came into sight standing beside a battered minivan.

"Hey! You guys!" shouted Frankie, running over.

"Hi!" said Neo. How are you?"

"Fine," replied Katie.

Trinity suddenly punched Neo. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?" asked Neo confusedly.

"Stop looking at all the other girls!"

"What? I wasn't!"

"You were! You don't find me attractive because I've put on weight!" She slapped him again.

"Did you get a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?" asked Neo.

"You're so insensitive! I hate you!" sobbed Trinity.

"You know, I can't take much more of these mood swings," muttered Neo to Frankie.

"Hey! Jack Sparrow! What are you doing here?" Barbossa stormed over.

"Captain Jack Sparrow!" said Jack. "Why shouldn't I be here?"

"You should be dead!"

"Am I not?" he said with some apparent surprise, patting his chest and abdomen. "Oh well, good day for me. How've you been?"

"Damn it!" shouted Barbossa, ripping off his hat and stamping on it.

"But, it would seem, a bad day for you," continued Jack.

"Why should he be dead?" asked Katie.

"I love you, Neo honey," Trinity broke in suddenly, throwing her arms around him.

"I planted a bomb on your ship. And, in response to your earlier question, I'm most pissed off. Not only are you still alive, but me and my band of pirates are cursed again!" yelled Barbossa.

"Ooooooh, bummer," said Luka.

"What bomb?" asked Frankie.

There was suddenly a muffled boom in the distance. Seconds later a tattered neon Jolly Roger fluttered down and landed on Katie's head.

"That bomb," said Barbossa.

"Will!" screamed Frankie, starting back towards the ship. Suddenly Will emerged from a nearby alleyway.

"How'd you survive that?" asked Katie.

"And how did you get here so quickly?" asked Frankie.

"Come on, I'm the Frodo Baggins of the Caribbean," said Will. "I survive everything and come out of every situation, no matter how improbable it is."

"Well, looks like I need a new ship..........again," said Jack. "Could your friends give us a lift to the next port?"

"Sure," said Mouse, putting the van into gear. "But don't let Trinity ride upfront again. I'm not sitting next to her."

"Why?" asked Trinity angrily.

"Shut up, shut up," hissed Neo. "You woke the beast."

"Errr......I mean.....I need Jack to sit next to me. To give me directions." Trinity muttered angrily and climbed into the back with the others. Mouse started driving away.

"Hey, you want in on this?" Elladan asked Katie.

"In on what?"

"Me, Elrohir and Arwen have a competition going. The first to provoke Trinity into a rage wins £20. £30 if you and Frankie join in."

"We each submit a fiver to the pool," continued Elrohir.

"Welllllll, I don't know," said Katie. "I don't know if it's worth getting £30 if the cost is angering the scariest woman on earth." She glanced at Trinity, who was tearing into a gherkin and courgette sandwich.

"Oh, go on," said Arwen.

"OK, I'm in," said Frankie.

"Me too," said Katie.

"Hey, I-I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Mouse warningly to Jack, who was drumming his feet on top of the dashboard.

"Why?" asked Jack, swigging from a bottle of rum .

"Well, that air-airbag is really sensitive-"

Suddenly there was a dull whoosh and the airbag inflated, pushing Jack's legs back behind his head and emptying the bottle of rum over him before covering his face and squashing him back into the seat.

"Mmmmmmm....MMMMMMMM!" He kicked the roof and flailed his arms before Mouse slit the airbag with his knife. Jack shook his head, smoothed his hair and twisted his moustache.

"Told you so," gloated Mouse. "Is this the port?"

"Yeah, yeah, right here," said Jack. "Stop behind that pile of crates, would you?"

Mouse parked the van.

"Right. We can't do the dresses thing again because Will won't and there's no-one else who can do it," said Jack. "We need another plan."

"We could just pay for the ship with the gold we have in the trunk," suggested Katie sarcastically.

"No, I need that gold for something else," said Jack.

"What?"

"Rum. Now, who has any sensible ideas?"

There was a silence.

"OK, I've got one!" shouted Jack triumphantly. "You guys," he pointed to Becky and Frankie, "Go into Tortuga to buy some decent pirate clothes for yourselves and for Luka and Machka and to meet Brandy and Mima. That'll shrink the group a bit and make us less conspicuous. Savvy?"

"OK," said Becky.

"Neo, you go over and distract those soldiers. I don't care how you do it- tell jokes, rude stories, demonstrate some karate-anything, but if they get suspicious hold them off until we're on the ship and away. I'll bring the ship round and meet you and the shoppers at Tortuga port. Savvy?"

"What?" asked Neo, eyeing the soldiers' bayonets and looking petrified.

"H-hey, if you die, can I have your bunk?" asked Mouse. "Sleeping on the floor is bringing me out in a rash ever since Morpheus introduced that new cleaning fluid."

"Sure," said Neo dejectedly.

"Can I have your girlfriend? I mean, once she's dropped the kid, of course, I don't want her looking like that," asked Cypher eagerly.

"HEY!" shouted Trinity angrily.

"Sure," said Neo miserably.

"HEY!" shouted an enraged Trinity.

"Careful, you'll wake the beast," hissed Will.

"Hey, n-no fair," said Mouse. "I didn't know you could ask for stuff like that!"

"YOU SICK CHAUVINISTIC BASTARDS!" screamed Trinity. "STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M JUST A PIECE OF MEAT OR A POSSESSION! I HATE YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Whoaaa," muttered Neo. "Bad move."

"She's going into orbit," hissed Cypher.

Suddenly Trinity broke down into hysterical sobs. "I'm so sorry, Neo honey, I love you so much!" She threw her arms around him and started to cry into his shoulder.

"Hey, that's OK," muttered Neo, stroking her hair.

"How much longer to go?" hissed Frankie.

"Two months," replied Neo. "I don't know if I can last that long."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" screeched Trinity, rearing up.

"Nothing, nothing, chill," said Neo quickly, at which point Trinity buried her face in his shoulder again. Neo rolled his eyes at Frankie.

"Well, back to the plan," said Jack, draining his bottle of rum, "While you lot go shopping and Neo distracts the guards, I'll get into this dress and lead them away and the rest of you will sneak on. Savvy?"

"What? No dramatic entrance?" asked Katie sarcastically.

"Yeah, well, I think we all learnt a lesson from the last attempt," he blushed. "Now, do we have an accord?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, OK."

"Sure."

"Great."

Moments later Neo was nervously approaching the soldiers while the others crept quietly towards the empty ship.

"Hello," he said gingerly.

"Er...can we help you?" asked one soldier.

"Erm....I just want to say.....errrrrrrr....."

"Yes?" said another soldier impatiently.

"Errrrrrr.....should you always expect the unexpected?"

"What?"

"Should you always expect the unexpected?"

"Of course you should," replied the first soldier.

"Wellllll....I don't know," said the second soldier.

They turned to each other. "Of course you should expect the unexpected!" shouted the first.

"But if you expect the unexpected, doesn't it make the unexpected expected and the expected unexpected?"

"No......I don't think so...........except...."

"Go on," encouraged Neo.

"Well, if you expect the unexpected then it becomes the expected so you can expect the unexpected-but then the expected would become the unexpected because you weren't expecting it, so you wouldn't be expecting the unexpected-but then...." The soldier scratched his head and screwed up his face in concentration. "I've got a headache."

"Me too."

During all this the others had sneaked onto the ship and were preparing to depart.

"Cooo-eee!"

Neo and the soldiers looked up to see Jack Sparrow, complete with floral dress and rum bottle concealed under a handkerchief, waving at them. Neo stifled a giggle.

"Oooooh-hark at her," said one soldier, standing up straight and sucking in his stomach.

"That's a fine looking lass and no mistake," said another appreciatively. Neo began to creep towards the boat as Jack Sparrow grabbed the rum and drank deeply before letting forth a sonorous belch.

"She's a little indecorous," said a third.

"Perhaps slightly ungainly," said a fourth.

"And more than a little mannish," added a fifth, noticing the beard and moustache with a start.

Jack suddenly hitched up his skirts and ran up to the departing ship before leaping on as it passed the end of the jetty.

"Hey! That's no lady!" shouted a soldier, drawing his bayonet and waving it after the rapidly disappearing ship.

"So long, suckers!" shouted Jack, seizing the wheel and spinning it to the left. The boom swung across and knocked Luka off the side of the ship. He was left dangling in midair above the water by one arm.

"Spol! Glup svinja! Sredstvo moi!" He tried to pull himself up onto the beam but instead slipped even further.

"Luka, mate, if you don't speak English to me, how am I supposed to know what you want, mate?" said Jack placidly, leaning over the side.

"Budala! Ludovati! Help me, you idiot!" Luka yelled. "What do you think I want?"

"Calm down, mate. I'm not deaf, you know," said Jack, swinging the boom back and slamming Luka into the side of the ship, knocking him into the water.

"Nizechonit!" screamed Luka, grabbing for the rope that Arwen was lowering to him.

"Idiot," said Trinity spitefully.

"Why are you so mean?" asked Katie.

"What?"

"I don't understand you."

"Oh, you don't? Well, I've got an awful backache, I'm so hot I could scream, my boobs now hang around my knees if I even contemplate taking off the whale harness that supports them, they don't make maternity clothes in PVC so I don't have anything to wear, and this morning I cried for two hours because I thought I was getting wrinkles but it turns out I just fell asleep on Neo's corduroy pants!"

Katie staggered under the weight of all this information. She could believe the bit about having nothing to wear-it looked as if Trinity had decided to rip down the nearest pair of hideous curtains to sew into a dress in the absence of anything else.

Neo hauled Luka back on deck where he sat down and shivered until Will brought him a blanket.

"Nerazborit magarac," spat Luka at Jack.

"He says you're a foolish ass," supplied Machka from his position on top of the mast.

"Thanks," said Jack, throwing an empty bottle at the boy. "I am useless," he said miserably.

"You're not," said Katie encouragingly.

"I-OUCH!" Jack looked up and glared at Machka who had caught the bottle and now thrown it back at him. "I am. Everyone says that I'm a worthless drunk."

Everyone looked at Will.

"What? He is!" said Will indignantly.

"That's not the point," said Neo. "You shouldn't have said it."

"Fine. I'm sorry." said Will sulkily.

Trinity suddenly burst into hysterical sobs. "I hate you! You're all bastards!" She ran below deck shrieking. Neo rolled his eyes.

"Lower anchor!" shouted Luka, steering the ship into Tortuga jetty.

"Now, we can't be long," said Jack. "Just collect the girls and run."

"Why?" asked Neo.

"One: Those soldiers will notice that this is actually their ship any minute now. Two: I neglected to pay my bill at that bar over there and if the landlord spots me, I'm dead. Three: The Agent Smiths are coming. Savvy?"

"Yeah, but...how do you know about the Agent Smiths?" asked Will.

"I can see them. See? Over there?" He pointed at an approaching black ship with black sails.

"What's this about Agent Smiths?" asked Neo fearfully, no doubt reminiscing about his sojourn in the toilet at the last party.

"Nothing important," said Jack. "Hey! Girls!"

Becky and Frankie, as well as Brandy and Mima, who were now seventeen, waved before picking up several enormous shopping bags apiece and staggering onto the ship.

"Wow...how much did you buy?" asked Jack weakly as Luka lifted the anchor and Will grabbed the wheel.

"Not much," said Becky cheerfully, presenting him with a bill and a small bag.

"Here's your eyeliner," she said, as Jack's eyes widened with shock at the bill.

"H-how did you spend so much?" he gasped, rubbing his eyes.

"Well, we tried the cheaper shops but their goods were unsatisfactory, so we gave up and went to Conejo Street," said Frankie.

"CONEJO STREET? B-but those shops are..." gasped Jack.

"Yeah, Prada, Gucci, Armani-it was great," said Becky. "And as well as pirate suits for us I bought some for Brandy and Mima too. They want to join the crew."

"Oh, OK."

"Whoa. Check out the babes." Elladan and Elrohir had come back on deck and spotted Brandy and Mima. The two boys were understandably impressed. Both girls were now tall and slim with long legs. Brandy had waist-length, curly blond hair, almond-shaped emerald green eyes and a pale English rose complexion, while Mima had extremely long, thick black hair and big blue eyes with extremely pale skin. Brandy now looked extraordinarily like Becky, while Mima had now developed pointy ears and was looking more elf- like than ever.

"Elladan, Elrohir, these are my daughters," said Becky proudly.

"And my stepdaughters," added Luka.

"I'm Brandy," said Brandy.

"And I'm Mima," said Mima.

"I'm the One Ring," said the One Ring from Brandy's necklace.

"Whoa," said Elladan and Elrohir.

"Oh no, why did you have to bring that?" asked Becky.

"Gandalf gave it to me," replied Brandy.

"OK, we're going below deck to change into our new clothes," said Luka, opening the trapdoor and jumping through. The others followed him.

"Jack, those Agent Smiths are gaining on us," said Will.

"Keep going," said Jack. "They'll lose interest in the end."

Meanwhile, Elladan and Elrohir were discussing the girls.

"Gorgeous."

"Yeah. I like the blonde."

"Really? The dark one's got to be half-elf at least!"

"Yeah, but the blonde one's got spirit."

"True, but the dark one's got mystery."

"The blonde one has bigger boobs."

"Yeah, you're right, the blonde one's better."

Suddenly the boat shook as the Agent Smiths rammed into it.

"Hello, Mr Anderson, we've missed you," said one arrogantly, jumping onto the ship.

"Bah!" shouted Neo. "What are they doing here?"

All the Agent Smiths started cackling maniacally in unison and Neo screamed before diving through the hatch and cowering under a bunk.

"Don't stress yourself, Mr Anderson, we're not here for you," said one Agent. "We are here for Becky."

"Oh, phew," said Neo, relieved.

"Yes, we'll come back for you once the chainsaw is once again in full working order," said another.

"Wh-what?" asked Neo, quavering.

"Down to business," said another Agent. "Where is Becky? She promised she'd stay

with us forever when we first met her!"

"Why should we tell you?" asked Will.

"We're not leaving until you tell us." All the Agents crossed their arms and tried to look threatening. The atmosphere got extremely heavy before the effect was ruined by a mobile phone going off and the discordant strains of 'I'm a Little Teapot" ringing out across the deck. The Agents all blushed and checked their phones before spotting an Agent laughing and dancing along to it, complete with arm actions and lyrics.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my-what?" he asked, mid gesture.

"Stop. That. Now," said the Agents.

"Oh come on. Try and tell me I don't look cool," he said, answering his phone.

"You're an idiot," said another Agent Smith.

"You know, you guys remind me so much of someone in my hometown," said Elladan. "You look just like my dad Elrond, it's just spooky. Wait a minute-Dad, is that you?"

An Agent Smith made a throat-cutting motion at another and Elladan was quickly picked up and thrown overboard.

Suddenly Brandy came up on deck and stopped short. "Whoa. What's going on here?"

"Say hello to your daddies," said the Ring.

"Shut up!" shouted Brandy, casting the Ring off. It skittered away into a corner.

"Becky?" said an Agent, squinting.

"I think so, but then again my eyesight isn't what it used to be," said another.

"Tell me about it! These are prescription sunglasses-and not good ones," said another.

"I know, the Matrix health plan isn't what it used to be," said a third.

"It is Becky!" said a fourth.

"She looks younger than I remember.....but it must be Becky!" said a fifth. The Smiths grabbed her and dragged her over onto their boat. Simultaneously Will, who was trying to pull Elladan back onto the ship, tripped and fell past the elf boy into the water.

"Whoops!" said Elladan sarcastically, pulling himself back onto the deck.

"Wait! Help!" shouted Brandy, before an Agent dragged her below decks.

"That's not Becky!" yelled Neo, coming up on deck.

"Well, we have to kidnap someone," said an Agent. "We've got targets to meet. If that isn't Becky, then who should we kidnap?"

"Hey guys!" shouted the Agent on the phone. "The chainsaw is ready!"

Neo gulped. "Ignore my last comment. That is Becky." He promptly disappeared below decks.

"That settles it," said another Agent. "We've got Becky! Let's go!" They swarmed back onto their ship and sailed away before firing a parting shot, which blew a hole in the wall of the drinking room. Jack Sparrow stuck his head out of the hole.

"Stop blowing holes in my ship!" he shouted, waving his fist at the departing Smiths. Then he spotted Will in the water.

"What're you doing down there, boy?" he asked.

"What do you think I'm doing?" asked Will.

Jack shrugged. "Swimming?" he guessed, before pulling his head back in and

disappearing from sight.

"No! Wait!" shouted Will, but Jack had already returned to the rum.

"Shut the hell up!" yelled Trinity. "I'm trying to nap here!"

"Go back to sleep, dear," said Neo from the bilges, where he was hiding. On deck, Frankie picked up the Ring took it downstairs and put it on the bookcase.

"So, how are you?" asked the Ring.

"Fine."

"Where are you going?"

"To talk to Becky."

"Why?"

"To make her feel better about her daughter being kidnapped by her former boyfriends."

"Why?"

"Because she's probably pretty miserable."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"Why?"

"Because-well-just because-oh shut up!"

Frankie stormed off and the Ring cackled away to itself. It really loved being a pain in the butt all the time.

When Frankie found Becky half an hour later she was screaming at Jack Sparrow,

who was drinking rum straight from the bottle-as usual.

"You've got to go after them, they've kidnapped my only daughter because they think that she's me!"

"Look, I'm hearing you, love, but there's nothing I can do about it."

"You useless, lazy, idle, good-for-nothing..."

Jack winced at the deafening barrage of insults.

"Sticks and stones, love-I couldn't help you even if I wanted to. Their ship's too fast, and they'll bring her back anyway when they realise that she's not you. Savvy?"

"No, I'm not savvy, you...you...." Becky looked around for further ammunition. She seized the barrel of rum and held it out of the hole in the wall.

"If you don't help me, I'll drop it," she said.

"No! The rum!" Jack staggered to his feet.

"Come any closer. And I'll let go!" threatened Becky, tipping the barrel slightly so that drops of rum began to spill into the water.

"OK, OK," said Jack weakly. "I'll do my best. First thing tomorrow, we'll go after them. Satisfied?"

"Good," said Becky, replacing the rum barrel on the floor. Jack Sparrow breathed a sigh of relief.

"How are you feeling?" Frankie asked her as soon as Jack had returned to the rum.

"OK. A bit stressed," she said. "I think I'll go and check on Trinity."

"Trinity? Are you awake?" Becky pushed the door open and she peered around it. Neo, who was sitting on Trinity's bed watching her sleep, beckoned them in.

"How long have you been in here?" asked Frankie.

"Don't know. I just like watching her sleep. She sometimes talks, you know," said Neo. "Not only is it seriously sweet, it often provides ammunition for endless piss-taking which will last for months on end. And sometimes you can have whole conversations with her while she's asleep. Insane, nonsensical conversations, but conversations nonetheless." He smiled.

"Er....cool," said Becky, raising an eyebrow at Frankie.

"Orange! It's orange!" shouted Trinity.

"What's orange, sweetheart?" asked Neo.

"No, definitely four-wheel drive," muttered Trinity.

"What's she talking about now?" asked Luka, putting his head round the door.

"God knows," said Neo.

Trinity rolled over onto her other side and smiled in her sleep. "Oooooh, Luka, don't, I told you, I'm not that sort of girl," she muttered to herself.

Neo sat bolt upright and stared at Trinity. "What?" he asked tensely.

"What?" asked Becky angrily.

"Wellll, maybe for you I am," giggled Trinity to herself in her sleep.

"WHAT?" asked Becky and Neo simultaneously. Neo glared at Luka, who beat a

hasty escape. Trinity stirred in her sleep and opened her eyes.

"Hello, Neo darling," she said.

"Hello," said Neo stiffly. "Nice dreams?"

"Oh, they were the best," said Trinity, getting up. "And now, I need to pee again."

She staggered out of the room and Becky and Neo looked at each other.

"Errrr....." said Becky.

"Well..." said Neo.

"I rented a video in town today, if you two want to watch it," said Frankie, anxious to defrost the atmosphere.

"What is it?" asked Becky.

"The Ring," replied Frankie.

"OK," said Neo. "I'll go set it up in the living room and ask if anyone else wants to watch."

Soon later, Becky, Frankie, Trinity, Neo and Mima were curled up on the sofa quivering and whimpering.

"Hey guys, I've got a really bad nosebleed," said Elladan innocently, coming into the room hiding the red food colouring behind his back.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Frankie.

"Me too!" said Elrohir from outside.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed everyone.

Both elf boys burst into fits of laughter. "Suckers!"

"Get the hell out!" yelled Neo, throwing a cushion at them.

The boys left, bent over with laughter.

Mima glanced out of the window and saw a lighthouse. "Calm down, it's just a lighthouse, just a lighthouse," she said to herself. "Hey, look at those horses next to the lighthouse," said Will innocently.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Mima.

Will scuttled out and collected his gold coin from Elladan and Elrohir. "Great job, mate, really fooled her," they said respectfully.

"OK, where's those electrodes?" asked Elladan, fishing around in his pockets. "Oh, here they are," he said, producing a small bag. "All right, one each," he said. "Put them in your mouth but don't swallow them."

Back in the room, everyone was getting steadily more and more creeped out.

"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real," thought Frankie.

"Oh God, the lighthouse-no, it's just a lighthouse, just a lighthouse," thought Mima.

"This isn't real-but it could be-it couldn't-oh, but it could-SHUT UP BRAIN, SHUT UP!" thought Becky.

"I'm hungry. I wonder if there are any gherkins around? Uh-oh, this is really creepy," thought Trinity.

"If you expect the unexpected, does it make the expected unexpected?" thought Neo. Suddenly Elladan and Elrohir staggered in coughing dramatically.

"What? WHAT?" asked everyone nervously.

"I-can't-stop-coughing!" choked Elladan. Suddenly he spat his electrode onto the floor, and Elrohir followed suit.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screeched everyone.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" laughed the twins. "You're so gullible!"

"Get out! OUT!" yelled Trinity, whipping off her boot and throwing it at them. They staggered out, clutching their stomachs with mirth. Once outside, they started plotting.

"Right-the curtains were closed, yeah?"

"No."

"Damn. Where's Will?"

Seconds later Will swept in and closed the curtains.

"W-why're you doing that?" asked Frankie nervously.

"Customs officers. Don't want them to know you're here," he explained.

"Oh, OK," she said, settling back a bit. Will left and went straight to Elladan and Elrohir, who were in the next room.

"You closed the curtains?" they asked.

"Yeah. What now?"

"Wait here and open them when we give the signal."

"OK."

"Right, I'm going to hang the painted backdrop we made earlier over the window."

"I'm going to go get Machka."

A few moments later Elladan had explained to Machka his job and bribed him.

"So I go in and show Mummy this drawing I made earlier?" he said, pocketing the packet of boiled sweets and looking at the weird swirly biro ring drawing they'd given him.

"That's right," said Elrohir.

"OK." Machka toddled into the room and closed the door behind him. The elf boys put their ears to the door.

"Hey, Mummy, look at this drawing I made," said Machka from inside.

"Oh, isn't that swee- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Elladan and Elrohir cackled as Machka came out, leaving the group shaking and looking over their shoulders in the living room.

"Well done, kid," they said. "OK, Will, you're up!"

Will went into the room under the guise of bringing cups of tea. "Oh, the Customs guys are gone," he said nonchalantly. "You can open the curtains again." He went out to collect yet another gold coin.

Frankie nervously got up to open the curtains. After a deep breath, she whipped them open-to see a hill with a tree on top with the sun setting behind it with a well nearby.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What is it-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Soon the room was filled with screams while Elladan and Elrohir were practically wetting themselves laughing outside.

"Oh, that was beautiful," they gasped, before scurrying to hide as Becky came out and went into the kitchen to get tea.

"You did the watering can thing, right?" Elladan asked Elrohir.

"Yep."

Suddenly screams erupted from the kitchen. "The water! THERE ARE PUDDLES OF WATER EVERYWHERE!" screeched Becky, and there was a collection of screams from the living room. Becky scuttled back into the living room, minus the tea, and went to close the door behind her-then spotted Elladan and Elrohir's handiwork.

"OH MY GOD! THERE'S SEVEN NOTCHES CARVED IN THE DOOR!" she screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked everyone else.

"And now for the grand finale," said Elladan, moving into the next room and taking out his mobile phone. Elrohir smirked and crept after him. Will crept into the sitting room to stand by the phone.

Next door, everyone was shaking until the film finally ended, when they all breathed a sigh of relief-but then the phone next to Will started to ring.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone.

The phone kept ringing. They all eyed it.

"You answer it, Becky," said Will.

"You answer it, Frankie," said Becky.

"No, you do it, Mima," said Frankie.

"No, Trinity, you do it," said Mima quaveringly.

"No, Neo, you do it," said Trinity. "You're the One. You should answer it."

"Ohhhhhhhh......OK, but you can't use that for a whole year," said Neo, answering the phone and putting it on speakerphone.

"Seven days," said the phone, before clicking onto a dial tone. Will quickly unplugged it with his foot.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!"

Elladan and Elrohir fell about laughing and dropped their mobile as Will came in.

"Did you do it?" asked Elladan.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT'S NOT ALL-THE PHONE'S UNPLUGGED!" screeched Mima.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone.

"Never mind," said Elrohir, laughing.

DAY 4

"Frankie?" Katie swung open the door of Frankie's cabin without knocking.

"Bah!" Frankie sprang to her feet from her position perched on the edge of her bed brandishing a whisk. "Oh, it's only you."

"Yeah. Did you get any sleep last night?"

"No."

"Me neither. Anyway, Jack told me to come down and tell you to come and help bring the ship into Kornjaca. We're going to ask if the Agent Smiths have been through."

"Oh, OK." Frankie got up and followed Katie up on deck. She walked towards the helm, but stopped short when a voice hissed in her ear "Everyone will suffer..."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Frankie, whipping round and producing the whisk. Elladan and Elrohir were standing behind her laughing uncontrollably.

"Man, you are just too easy! At least give us a challenge!" gasped Elrohir.

Frankie threw the whisk at them and continued up to the helm to bring the ship into Kornjaca port.

"Right," said Jack, strolling off the ship, "We only have about half an hour before someone tells the officers that we're here, so everyone split up and take one shop each. Luka, you take the clothes shop. Becky and Machka, the bakery. Katie and Frankie, the butcher's shop. Trinity and Neo, the supermarket. Mima and Arwen, the hotel. Elladan and Elrohir, the second- hand videos store. Will, you stay here. Savvy?"

"What are you going to do?" asked Becky.

"I'm going to check the pub," said Jack. Will rolled his eyes.

"We meet back here in half an hour," said Jack. "Now.... ready...steady...GO!" He ran off unsteadily towards the pub.

"What is that man on?" asked Katie as she and Frankie headed over towards the butcher shop.

"Don't know," said Frankie, opening the door, "But I definitely want some of it." Katie went up to the counter and took out her Croatian dictionary.

"Pozdrav," she began unsurely. The woman behind the counter raised an eyebrow at her.

"You want duck?" she asked, pulling a duck out of the nearest basket by its ankles.

"Duck very good. Fresh."

The duck squirmed and quacked.

"No! Oh, what's the Croatian for no?" Katie flipped through her dictionary.

"You want zivahan or zamro?" asked the woman.

Katie took a wild guess. "Er.....zamro," she said, consulting her dictionary.

The woman put the duck on the chopping board and raised the cleaver.

"No! No! Don't....hurt.....the.....duck," Katie enunciated clearly.

"We.....do.....not.....want.....duck!" said Frankie, giving up on the dictionary.

"Oh," said the woman, lowering the cleaver and casting the duck back into the basket.

"You want eel?" she asked, pulling a live eel out of a nearby tank and thrusting it at Katie.

"No! NO! What the hell is that?" she asked faintly, drawing back from the wriggling eel.

"Eel. Very good. Fresh," said the woman, putting the eel on the chopping board.

"No! We do not want the weird snake thing!" yelled Frankie. "We're looking for some friends of ours-Agent Smiths. Have you seen them?"

"Ah, Agent Smith," said the woman, putting down the cleaver. "In yesterday. Bought much rabbit. You want rabbit?" She thrust her hand into another basket and produced a struggling white rabbit.

"No, no!" shouted Frankie.

The woman shrugged and began to chuck the rabbit back into the basket.

"No! Stop!" shouted Katie. The rabbit reminded her of her childhood pet and she couldn't bear to see it returned to the basket. "We'll take the rabbit!"

The woman smiled. "Zivahan or zamro?" she asked, reaching for the cleaver.

"Er.....zivahan," replied Katie, deciding by process of elimination that this option was probably preferable to zamro.

The woman nodded and dropped the live, wriggling rabbit into a paper bag, which she presented to Katie. "Very good. Cost twenty dollar," she said, holding out her palm. Katie handed over the money and rushed out of the shop with Frankie in tow.

"OK, you go back to the ship, I' m going to get a cage and food for Muffin," said Katie, heading towards the pet store.

"Muffin?" asked Frankie sarcastically.

"What?" said Katie defensively. "It's cute!"

Frankie headed back towards the ship. Mima, Arwen, Luka, Becky, Machka, Elladan, Elrohir, Neo and Trinity were already back and Will was leaning over the side of the ship talking to them.

"Hey," she said, heading over to Mima.

"Hey. Find anything?"

"Yeah. The lady in the butchers said that the Agents were in town yesterday-"

"Wow! That's great," said Mima enthusiastically.

"-And that they bought a lot of rabbit."

"Oh.......err.......that's........err....random," said Mima.

"Yeah. Well, we ended up buying a rabbit so Katie's off buying food for it."

"Cool," said Mima.

Suddenly Will came up and tapped Mima on the shoulder. "I need to talk to you," he said urgently, leading her away from the group. Frankie, curious, followed. Will took a deep breath. "Somebody likes you," he said proudly, with the air of Santa Claus pulling an extra-large toy out of his sack.

Mima sighed and folded her arms. "Is it Jack?"

Will looked confused. "No."

"Then tell him to stop staring!" said Mima.

"Er...OK.... It's Elrohir."

"What?"

However, the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Katie and Muffin and Jack Sparrow. Jack was carrying two large wicker carriers, which were squawking angrily.

"What are those?" asked Frankie with some trepidation.

"Meet Rum and Mr Cluck," said Jack proudly.

"What?" asked Frankie, peering into the baskets. Two enormous cockerels glared back at her.

"Where the hell did you get those from?" asked Mima.

"I bought them off a guy in the pub," said Jack, making kissy faces at the birds through the wicker. "Aren't they gorgeous?"

This was a matter of opinion, thought Frankie. Rum was a large brown cockerel with a ragged tail of black feathers and beady dark eyes. Mr Cluck was even more enormous than Rum, with speckled black and white feathers and large beady orange eyes. His tail was made up of black feathers sticking out at insane angles like a toilet brush.

"Why did you buy them?" asked Katie.

"Well, the guy said that they were really good business investments and really useful," said Jack, sprinkling corn through the wicker.

"To do what, exactly?" asked Frankie.

"Hey, let's get this straight," said Will. "You've all got pets?"

"Yep," said Jack.

"No fair," said Will. "Why can't I have one?"

"Nothing stopping you," said Jack, stroking Mr Cluck through the bars.

"Really? Well then, I'll be right back," said Will, running into town. Five minutes later he was back, his arms clamped around a large white swan.

"Where did you get that?" asked Katie incredulously.

"From a guy in the pub," said Will.

"Was he the guy in the black hooded cloak drinking the smoking drink?" asked Jack eagerly.

"Yes!" replied Will.

"What have you called...it?" asked Frankie.

"Her name is Elizabeth Swan," said Will proudly.

"Hey! You!" A group of soldiers started heading towards them.

"Cast off!" shouted Jack, running onto the boat with Rum and Mr Cluck's baskets clamped under each arm. Everyone ran on after him and raised anchor, and the ship quickly started moving away from the dock.

"Will! WILL!"

"Elizabeth?" said Will unbelievingly.

But it was Elizabeth running along the jetty after them.

"Come back, Will!" she shouted. "I'm sorry about dumping you because you were prettier than me!"

"I'm sorry too!" shouted Will, holding out his hand for her.

"What for?" asked Frankie jealously. Will pulled Elizabeth on board and the ship sailed quickly out of port, leaving the soldiers behind.

"Right," said Jack. "Now that we're done with that, let's get after those Agents!" Elizabeth Swan honked loudly and pulled out one of Mr Cluck's feathers.

"Brawk!" clucked the chicken, before hiding behind Jack.

"Less of that, you!" shouted Jack, kicking Elizabeth (the bird, not the girl.)

Elizabeth hissed and spread her wings before threateningly approaching Jack.

"Will! Control your woman!" shouted Jack, steering her away from him with his telescope.

"No! You shouldn't have kicked her!" said Will, trying not to laugh as Jack was driven to shinning halfway up the mast to avoid Elizabeth's wrath. Mr Cluck, meanwhile, had forgotten all about the attack and was happily pecking up bits of food and breadcrumbs from the deck with Rum.

"I'm going to take Muffin downstairs," said Katie, picking up the box.

"Good, good," said Jack. "Will, take Elizabeth Swan downstairs, would you? She can live in the bilges."

"The bilges? There's 3ft of dirty water in there!" said Will, picking up Elizabeth Swan.

"She's a swan, she'll cope!" said Jack, climbing down from the mast. Will harrumphed and took the swan downstairs and Elizabeth went with him to help.

"Right," said Jack. "I'm going to take Rum and Mr Cluck down to their new quarters." He scooped up the cockerels and stomped downstairs with them.

"So anyway," said Will to Elizabeth, having settled an extremely indignant Elizabeth Swan in the bilges, "I really want a promotion but it doesn't look like I'm going to get one any time soon. I'm just going to keep on cleaning the deck and making the tea."

"Cheer up," said Elizabeth. "Do you still have that video I gave you?"

"What video?"

"You know, that video I bought for you. It was called 'A Walk To Remember' and it was a romantic tragedy?"

"Oh, yeah. It's on my bedside table."

"Well, you go and get it and then we can get a bottle of wine and spend a romantic night on the sofa. Sound nice?"

"Yeah," said Will. He stopped in front of his door and opened it.

"Braaaawwwwwwwk!" Rum flew at his head, talons out.

"Aaaaah!" Will swatted the bird away with a book.

Mr Cluck glared at him from his position nesting on the bedspread.

"What the hell-SPARROW!"

"You called?" said Jack, sticking his head around the neighbouring door.

"Why are these scabrous birds camping out in my cabin?" Will asked angrily.

"Well, I wanted them to be close to me and it's the best room after mine. These prize birds deserve luxury. Don't worry, I've set up a new bed for you."

"Where?" asked Will.

"The bilges. Yu can camp out with Elizabeth Swan. I even blew up a lilo for you." Jack chucked out a hot pink inflatable lilo and slammed the door.

"What are you going to do now?" asked Elizabeth.

"Evict the chickens from my cabin," said Will determinedly.

Fifteen minutes, several gashes and one tetanus shot later, the chickens had gained the upper hand and Will had decided that maybe this wasn't a good idea.

"OK, you win," he gasped, grabbing the video. "Just don't poo on the bedspread."

He closed the door and went into the living room arm-in-arm with Elizabeth.

Elladan and Elrohir were crouched in front of the video player.

"Oh, are you using that?" asked Elizabeth disappointedly. "No, we've just finished watching a video we got from the video shop," said Elladan, nudging Elrohir.

"Yeah, the owner said he got it from a log cabin," said Elrohir.

"Really?" asked Frankie nervously, entering the room.

"Yeah, it was really weird. There was a lady looking in the mirror, a ladder, a lady jumping off a cliff, maggots, stormy seas and a fly crawled across the screen," said Elladan innocently.

"Wh-what?" asked Frankie nervously.

"Yeah, and the weird thing was, when we paused the video, the fly kept moving. Then it came out of the screen!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Frankie.

"But you're done now?" asked Will.

"Yeah," said Elladan, standing up and following his twin out of the room.

Will put in the video and sat down next to Elizabeth and the shivering Frankie on the sofa.

Two hours later, Will was bawling on the sofa.

"Oh come on!" said Frankie. "I mean, it's sad, but you've been crying for twenty minutes now!"

"It's so sad!" sobbed Will, rubbing his eyes.

"What are you howling about now?" asked Jack scornfully, who had just entered the room with Mr Cluck and Rum.

"The ending of 'A Walk To Remember,' said Elizabeth.

"Oh, you sissy," said Jack. "You cried in 'Brief Encounter,' too." He set the cockerels down on the floor and poured a saucer of rum for them. The cockerels promptly got stuck in.

"Should you really be giving chickens that much alcohol?" asked Frankie.

"Yeah, they're sturdy birds," said Jack, stroking Mr Cluck.

"Hey, guys!" It was Trinity. "We're having a séance up on deck. Do you want to join in?"

"Yeah, OK." said Frankie.

"Sure," said Elizabeth. Will just sobbed louder.

"Come on, nancy boy," said Jack disdainfully. "It's only a story. If you cry too much, your eyes will get all swollen and you won't be the prettiest. Just imagine that, mate. Savvy?"

"You're heartless," said Will, wiping his eyes and taking deep breaths.

"Mate, you're forgetting something. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. I'm a black-hearted pirate, which, if you hadn't already noticed, is generally not a sympathetic sort." He bent down to make a fuss of Rum, which was living up to his name and drinking the rum like there was no tomorrow.

"Are you coming or not?" asked Trinity impatiently.

"Yeah," said Frankie.

"OK," said Will. "Just let me check on Elizabeth Swan." He went downstairs to feed her. The swan was understandably a little angry about having to live in 3ft of dirty water and, as Will opened the door, she barged past him and disappeared round the corner.

"Elizabeth! Come back!" shouted Will, dropping the bag of food. He broke into a run to catch her but was waylaid by Elladan and Elrohir.

"Hi," said Elladan.

"Hi, but I've got to catch Elizabeth Swan-"

"She'll be fine," said Elrohir, blocking his path. "We have a proposition for you." Will looked up. The last time they'd said that, he'd earned five gold coins in two hours, which was twice his weekly salary.

"I'm listening," he said.

"Well, the others are all having a séance up on deck," said Elladan.

"Earlier, we moved the table they were going to use a few feet to the right so that it was over a trapdoor," continued Elrohir.

"So now we need you to stop anyone from coming into the room beneath the trapdoor while we're there," said Elladan.

"We'll give you five gold coins," finished Elrohir.

"Deal!" said Will. "Just lead me to it!"

Up on deck, everyone was ready to start.

"Is there anybody there?" asked Arwen in a mystical voice.

There was no answer.

"Anyone?"

Still nothing.

"Anybody?" she asked desperately.

There was still no response.

"Oh come on guys, give me something," she said angrily. "Phone me, text me, any sign at all would be wonderful, you lazy bastards-"

"Arwen, don't bully the dead," said Katie. "I'll do it." She cleared her throat. "Is there anybody there?"

Elladan and Elrohir flung open the trapdoor with a loud crash. It landed on Neo's toe.

"Owww!" shouted Neo. "Something stamped on my toe!"

"What was that loud noise?" asked Frankie nervously.

"Oh, for you they'll do stuff, but for me...." muttered Arwen petulantly.

"Do you have any messages for us?" asked Katie.

Elladan dropped the heavy bolt from the trapdoor on Elrohir's toe.

"Fuck!" screamed Elrohir, jumping up and down on the spot.

Everyone looked at each other.

"Oh.....er.....foul-mouthed, pogo-sticking spirit," said Katie unsurely, "Tell us your name!"

"Are you Samara?" broke in Frankie nervously.

"I'm doing it!" said Katie indignantly. "Are you?" she asked with some trepidation.

"NO!" shouted Elrohir in a high-pitched voice.

"Of course it isn't Samara," said Trinity impatiently. "Why would she contact us?"

"And more to the point, when did she ever use a pogo stick?" asked Neo.

"And even more to the point, she's FICTIONAL!" said Luka.

"Well, it was worth checking!" said Frankie defensively.

"All right, everyone, shut up," said Katie. "What is your name?"

"What is our name?" Elrohir mouthed at Elladan, who shrugged.

"Errrr....Nizechonit!" he shouted.

Luka's eyes widened.

"What?" mouthed Elladan. Elrohir shrugged.

"Wow, this really is a foul-mouthed spirit," said Luka. "He just called us a bastard in

Croatian!"

"Nizechonit's my name, dumb-ass!" yelled Elrohir, poking Luka's legs with a nearby pole.

"Owwwwww! Wow, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?" said Luka sympathetically.

"Let's proceed to the Ouija board," said Katie quickly, opening it up and setting it out.

"We don't have a glass tumbler," said Jack. "Only these steel ones."

"That'll do," said Katie, grabbing it.

"How're we going to control that?" hissed Elrohir. Elladan winked and produced a large magnet from his pocket.

"Where do you come from?" asked Katie. The tumbler moved across the board repeatedly.

"Apparently our ghost comes from Dhdjfhfhfjddh," she said.

"What?" hissed Elrohir.

"I can't see the letters, can I?" said Elladan defensively.

"Sounds Eastern European to me," said Neo.

"Maybe we've got a dyslexic ghost," said Frankie.

"Let me do it!" hissed Elrohir, trying to grab the magnet.

"No!" hissed Elladan.

In the ensuing scuffle one of them let go of the magnet, which immediately shot across the floor and attached itself to one of Neo's boot buckles.

"Stop kicking me!" said Neo angrily to Trinity

"I wasn't!" Trinity insisted angrily.

"Then who was?" asked Neo disbelievingly.

"Stop it, you two!" said Katie angrily.

Suddenly a white shape descended towards the group from the stern.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed everyone.

Elizabeth Swan landed with a thump in the middle of the table and glared at Jack.

She honked angrily and tried to bite him.

"Whoa, back off there, love," said Jack, leaning backwards to avoid her. Elizabeth Swan took off and hit him squarely in the chest, knocking him and the chair over backwards. She then sat on his stomach and concentrated on trying to pull off his nose.

"Owww! Ow! Will-control your woman!" Jack shouted, trying to push the swan off him.

"Well done, Elizabeth," said Will as he came up on deck. "You've beaten him again! Clever swan."

Elizabeth glowed with pride before pecking Jack in the eye.

"Ow! Damn bird! Will-get her off and I'll give you a gold coin!"

"Deal," said Will, lifting Elizabeth off Jack. She honked indignantly at being deprived of her new toy.

"Here you go, boy," said Jack grudgingly, handing over a coin. "Take her back down to the bilges now."

"Fine." Will stalked off, with Elizabeth clutching Elizabeth Swan, and disappeared down the stairs.

"I'm going to bed," announced Katie, standing up.

"Us too," said Neo and Trinity, getting up and following her downstairs.

"Right," said Jack, "Tomorrow we dock in Tortuga again to check up on the Agents."

"Cool," said Frankie and Becky.

"Are all the ports named after turtles?" asked Mima.

"Yeah, pretty much," replied Jack.

"I think it's really sweet that you named a swan after me," Elizabeth said to Will.

"Thanks," said Will, blushing.

DAY 5

"All right, meet back here in an hour," called Jack as he headed off towards the pub.

They had docked in Tortuga and were, once again, trying to find out the whereabouts of the Agent Smiths.

Elizabeth and Will walked into town arm-in-arm.

"Where shall we check first?" asked Elizabeth.

"The clothes shop," said Will decisively. They headed towards it.

"Ooooooooooooooohh, I like those shoes in the window," said Elizabeth.

"Yeah," said Will. "I like high heels."

"On women or on you?" asked Elizabeth.

"On women," said Will indignantly.

"Just thought I'd better ask," said Elizabeth. They went into the shop. Elizabeth started flicking through the rails. Suddenly she froze.

"That girl over there was my greatest rival in Port Royal," she said stiffly, pointing at a tall skinny girl across the shop.

"Why was she your rival?" asked Will.

"She got the job I wanted, stole my boyfriends and got better grades than me! And she bought a size 6 for that parade for Commodore Norrington when I had to take an 8!" she spat.

"Yeah, and when you did you fainted and nearly drowned because it was too tight," Will pointed out. Elizabeth punched him in the jaw.

"Owwwwwwwwwwww," he moaned. "It's true! Accept it, Elizabeth, you're a size 10!"

She punched him again and he staggered into a display of ball gowns.

"Wow, you know, you're the spitting image of someone I knew in my hometown," said a girl looking at the ball gowns.

"Where was that?" asked Will.

"Port Royal. In the Caribbean? You look just like the blacksmith's apprentice."

"Oh, well, funny story-" began Will.

The girl ignored him. "Yeah, we all had a thing about him, especially Kitty Sharp," she continued.

"Kitty Sharp?" said Will incredulously, recognising the name of the object of his childhood lusts. He quickly restrained himself from saying more. "Errr-really?" he said nonchalantly.

"Yeah, everyone fancied him. Kitty nearly proposed, and so did about seven other girls, but they were put off by the rumours."

"Kitty nearly proposed? But she was worth £1000 a year! Elizabeth's only worth £500! Damn! Why didn't she propose?" Will asked angrily.

Elizabeth glared.

"I mean, money isn't important, I'm really glad I've got you, I love you darling," said Will quickly.

"Buy me the shoes and it's all forgiven," said Elizabeth.

"Deal," said Will. He turned back to the girl. "What rumours?"

"Well, it all started when he cleared off with Jack Sparrow for weeks without a word, and everyone wondered about him and his bent," she said conspiratorially, seemingly oblivious to his outburst. "No straight man could be that beautiful, they said. No straight man could stand weeks at sea with only men for company. And then when he got back he saved his life without question! That raised a few eyebrows, I can tell you," she continued.

"What?" asked Will.

"Yeah, so soon people started saying things about him and his bent. The girls might still have been interested, only a new rumour came up which put them right off."

"ANOTHER one?" said Will incredulously.

"Yeah. Jack Sparrow docked one night and went down the pub. Drank more than was wise, perhaps. Anyway, he said that the blacksmith's apprentice was somewhat lacking where it counts. Not only did this add to this guy's problems, it also strengthened the old rumour. I mean, how else would he have known?"

The girl went back to flicking through the rails.

"I'm going to kill Jack for this," said Will furiously. "He's gone too far!"

"Is it true?" asked Elizabeth nervously.

"Is what true?"

"About you being somewhat lacking where it counts?" asked Elizabeth.

"What? No!"

"Just checking."

"Look, I'll prove it, I'll prove it right here right now!" said Will angrily, fumbling with his belt buckle.

"Really, that won't be necessary," said Elizabeth quickly. "I believe you."

Will harrumphed, paid for the shoes and went back to the docks with Elizabeth.

"Look at her, swanning around like she owns the place," Elizabeth spat, glaring at her rival, who had just emerged from the clothes shop.

"Drop it, drop it, don't make a scene," hissed Will.

"Ooooooooh, I hate her so much, I'll make her pay, oh, she'll sorely regret crossing me," muttered Elizabeth. Will was more than slightly unnerved.

"There's no history of violent psychosis in your family, is there?" he asked nervously, as Elizabeth crushed the pen she'd been holding into shards of plastic in her fist.

"Only Aunt Hetty," she replied absently.

"Isn't she the one everyone says you take after-" he began, but Elizabeth wasn't listening.

"Gandalf! Gandalf!" She ran across the port to greet the wizard, who had just stepped off a nearby boat.

Will sighed and ran after her.

"Gandalf, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I'm on a boat transporting Elves from the Grey Havens, and we seem to have become slightly lost," he explained.

"Oh, well, I was wondering if you'd do me a favour..." said Elizabeth, before standing on tiptoe and whispering into his ear while pointing at her rival.

"That's all? OK," said the wizard, muttering a few well-chosen words and pointing his staff. "There. Done."

"Thanks, I hope I can catch up with you again sometime," said Elizabeth, smiling a wicked grin.

"Certainly," said Gandalf, heading off towards the nearest bar.

"What did you do?" asked Will as they walked towards the ship.

"Oh, nothing major... I just had Gandalf do a spell which deposited several pounds of flabby cellulite on her tummy, ass and thighs...you know, the sort of fat which no amount of exercise or dieting will fix.... hahahahahahaha...." Will shuddered and made a mental note never to cross Elizabeth.

An hour later they were all gathered back at the ship.

"We're never going to find them!" said Jack. "It's completely hopeless."

Katie was inclined to agree but, at that moment, a large group of Agents stepped out of a dockside bar and headed towards their ship, which just happened to be moored next to theirs.

"Wow. You would have thought that we'd have noticed that there," said Will.

"Yeah. I mean, a black ship with black sails is pretty distinctive," said Katie.

"So, when are you going to spring your revenge?" Elizabeth asked Will.

"Soon. Really soon," said Will, cracking his knuckles.

"So, tally forth and save the maiden and all that," said Jack. "Everyone after those agents!"

Everybody sprinted onto the ship apart from Will, who grabbed Jack's shoulder and held him back.

"Look, what is it now, mate? I've got to help with storming the ship," said Jack impatiently.

"Did you tell the entire pub in Port Royal that I was 'somewhat lacking where it counts'?" asked Will angrily.

"No!"

"Only I just met a girl in a clothes shop in town who told me that all the girls there heard this, and that you were the one who started it!"

"I don't know where she got that from!" said Jack. "They asked if you had any particular talents besides making stuff out of metal, and I said that you had a beautiful singing voice and that when I met you I reckoned that you were a-oh, I see," said Jack.

Will sat down and put his head in his hands. "I can't believe that every girl in Port Royal thought I was a eunuch," he moaned. "It's so cruel!"

"Cheer up mate, they probably weren't really interested anyway," said Jack encouragingly. Will looked at him angrily.

"That was supposed to be a good thing," said Jack slowly. "I forget why."

"Hey! Come and help!" shouted Luka from the Agent Smiths' boat.

Will and Jack stood up and ran onto the boat. They were about to join in the fighting when Elladan shouted, "Stop! I have a cunning plan, a plan so cunning that a bag of extremely cunning foxes could not equal it!"

Everyone stopped fighting and looked at him.

"What on earth are you talking about?" asked Katie.

"Er...I don't know," said Elladan, "but it is a cunning plan!"

"Why does this not fill me with a great deal of confidence?" said Jack Sparrow.

"Well, my family are not generally regarded for their cunning," said Elladan honestly, "but this is a good one!"

"OK, let's hear it," said an Agent.

"Right. You," he pointed to the Agents, "join us. That way, you can be with Becky all the time and we'll give you a much better health plan so that you can get some decent glasses." The Agents looked at each other and nodded.

"And you," he pointed to Jack Sparrow, "get to command two ships and introduce yourself as Commodore Jack Sparrow." Jack Sparrow smiled and nodded.

"If we join you," said the Agents, "what's in it for us?"

"You get Becky as your captain, a decent health plan so that you can actually see past the end of your nose so that you can properly appreciate her and my expert guidance," said Jack Sparrow. "And I get to rescue Brandy like I promised, you get to have kidnapped someone like you promised- "

"Here we go again," muttered Will.

"-And Becky gets to spend the rest of her life with you like she promised. Which makes us all men of our word. Except for Becky, who is, in fact, a woman."

Will rolled his eyes.

"What do I get for joining you?" concluded Jack.

"15% of our spoils and to get to introduce yourself as Commodore," said the lead Agent. "And we'll buy your hat. A really big one."

"Deal!" said Jack.

"Deal!" said the Agents.

"Can we have Brandy back now?" asked Mima.

"Who?" asked the Agents.

"You took her instead of Becky," explained Arwen.

"Oh. OK. Bring her up!" shouted the Agent. Brandy was duly brought up and returned to the crew.

"Now! Becky is captain and she gets to pick her vice-captain and assistant!" shouted an Agent.

"I'll have Luka as vice-captain and Machka as assistant," said Becky.

"Fair enough. Now make with the hat!" said Jack. An Agent was dispatched into town, and he quickly returned with a burgundy tri-cornered hat with a large black feather.

"Right. We'll transfer her over in a couple of weeks, once she's all packed and everything," said Jack, cramming the hat onto his head.

"OK," said the Agents.

"Right everyone, back to the ship for celebration drinks!" said Jack, legging it off the ship. The others followed, leaving the Agents to prepare cabins for their new crewmembers.

As Katie headed towards the ship, she could hear screams from inside.

"Jack? Is that you?" she asked, worried.

The screams just got louder. Katie broke into a run and burst into the captain's cabin. Jack Sparrow was sobbing in the middle of the floor surrounded by black-and-white feathers and the remarkably subdued Rum.

"What's wrong?" asked Katie, putting her arm round him.

"Mr Cluck is gone! No Mr Cluck!" he shrieked.

"What?"

"He took Mr Cluck!" sobbed Jack, burying his head in Katie's shoulder.

"Who did?" asked Katie sympathetically, trying to ignore all thought of that black eyeliner soaking into her pale blue blouse.

"Barbossa!" Jack howled, thrusting a piece of paper at her. Katie peered at it.

"Thanks for the cockerel. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I think this pays off our debt. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Barbossa. PS Mwa-ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Mr Cluck is GONE!" shrieked Jack. By now everyone else had crowded in.

"What's up with him?" asked Will.

"Barbossa stole Mr Cluck!" sobbed Jack.

"Is that all?" said Will. "Thank God the repulsive thing's gone is all I say."

Jack looked up from Katie's shoulder. Will jumped back in shock. The black eyeliner had run down Jack's face and been smeared all over by his rubbing his eyes. Katie couldn't bear to look at her blouse.

"Mr Cluck was not repulsive!" shrieked Jack, burying his face in Katie's shoulder again.

"Of course he wasn't," said Katie soothingly, glaring at Will. The irate Rum was now savaging him.

"We could always go and get him back," said Elizabeth. "We have the Agents to help us, too!"

"Really?" asked Jack quietly, wiping his eyes and smearing the eyeliner even further.

"Yeah," said Luka. "We'll get Mr Cluck back!"

"And if we don't we'll buy you an even bigger, uglier, meaner cockerel," added Frankie.

"You guys are the best," said Jack, with a watery smile.

"Would you like some rum?" asked Katie.

Jack nodded, grabbed the remaining cockerel and hugged it to his chest. Rum squawked angrily at being deprived of Will's legs to peck.

"Get a bottle of rum and a saucer so that I can give some to Rum too," he said, stroking the cockerel, which grunted in recognition.

Katie rolled her eyes.

DAY 6

Katie went down to Jack's cabin to wake him up.

"Jack?" She knocked on the door before entering.

Jack Sparrow was sprawled facedown on his bed with a bottle of rum in one hand and a piece of broken saucer in the other. Rum was roosting on the small of his back, and glared at her when she approached him.

"Brawk," he clucked threateningly. Katie ignored him.

"Jack? It's time to get up so we can go and get Mr Cluck," said Katie encouragingly. Jack ignored her.

"Jack? Get up or I'll get Will to bring Elizabeth Swan," said Katie, poking him. Jack grunted and dropped the rum bottle onto the floor, where it slowly emptied to form a spreading straw-coloured puddle. The cockerel got up, stretched its wings and flew down off the bed to land by the puddle, which it began to lap up with gusto.

"Will, you're up," said Katie. Will carried in Elizabeth Swan and let her go in midair.

The swan flew over to the bed and landed on top of Jack, where she honked loudly before starting to pull out the hairs on the back of his neck.

"Owwww!" shrieked Jack, slapping at the swan. He rolled over onto his front, dislodging Elizabeth, who fell rather ungracefully onto the floor. She righted herself and honked loudly before waddling back to Will.

Jack sat up and rubbed his head. It was quite an alarming sight. Not only was his eyeliner still smeared all over his face, his hair was sticking up in all directions.

"Owwwwwww-damn bird," he muttered, taking a swig from a nearby rum bottle.

Suddenly he yelped and clutched his jaw.

"What?" asked Katie.

"My tooth!" hissed Jack, rubbing it. "Owwwwww!"

"Well, get up and we'll get Luka to take a look at it," said Katie.

"OK," sighed Jack, rolling off the bed and staggering out of the door.

Katie followed him while Will went to take Elizabeth Swan back to the bilges.

Luka examined the tooth briefly, shaking his head. "You've got an infection in the gum under your tooth which has caused an abscess," he said.

"So?" asked Jack.

"So I'll have to take it out," said Luka, producing a pair of scary-looking pliers.

"No way," said Jack, backing off.

"I could inject a local anaesthetic into your gum if you'd prefer," said Luka, producing a scarier-looking needle.

"No way!" said Jack even more forcefully.

"Come on, are you scared?" asked Luka sarcastically.

"Yes," said Jack immediately. "You are not putting either of those things anywhere near my mouth."

"Unless I take it out and disinfect the area around the abscess with alcohol, it will start to hurt even more and eventually eat away at the area to cause osteomyelitis," said Luka impatiently.

"Ewwwwwwwwww," said Frankie.

"Can't I just disinfect it with alcohol?" asked Jack eagerly, pulling out a rum bottle.

"Not that sort of alcohol, Jack," said Luka.

"Oh," said Jack disappointedly. "Well, you are not touching my tooth. Now, I'm going to go into town and ask around about Barbossa." He stalked off down the gangplank.

No sooner had he gone than a group of Agent Smiths swept onto the ship, guns drawn.

"Errrr...can we help you?" asked Katie.

"Yes," said one Agent. "We have lost interest in Becky as we have found someone new who understands that you must use long words and avoid contractions wherever possible."

"Who?" asked Katie.

The Agent Smiths parted to reveal Joey from Dawson's Creek standing behind them. "I am glad to have had a social interaction with you and your colleagues on this fine and majestic vessel," she said.

"Uh? What?" asked Katie.

"Anyway," broke in another Agent, "We no longer want Becky as our captain, but we still like the idea of having two ships in our partnership."

"So, basically, hotch off, we're taking over," completed a third. The others all nodded and balled their hands into fists.

Seconds later the crew were standing on the dock, Katie clutching Muffin, Frankie clutching Rum and Will with his arms clamped around Elizabeth Swan, watching the Agent Smiths sailing away on their boat. "I hope to encounter you again in the course of my perambulation through life!" shouted Joey from the stern.

"See you!" shouted an Agent Smith standing beside her.

As the Agents disappeared past the harbour wall Jack Sparrow skipped up.

"Hey, I found out loads-where's the boat gone?" he asked.

"He's noticed," Katie hissed at Frankie.

"The Agent Smiths took it," said Luka.

"Damn it! I can't leave you alone for one second, can I? I nip into town for five minutes and when I come back my bloody ship's gone!" he yelled.

"You're not so perfect yourself!" said Will angrily. "What about the time our boat got stolen while you were asleep in one of the lifeboats? They didn't even notice you were there until two days later, and you didn't even wake up when they dumped you at another port and sailed off!"

"That's not fair!" said Jack angrily. "That was years ago! And I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!"

"Oh yeah, and that's OK," said Will sarcastically.

"Yeah, it is. Oh, and by the way Will, all the girls were asking about you."

"What girls?" asked Elizabeth angrily.

"Shut up!" Will hissed at Jack, who ignored him. Will made a mental note to punch Jack later. He looked back on that night in Tortuga with great fondness, or he did the parts he could remember, anyway.

"Yeah. They all send their regards. I told you that you could spend an entire caveful of treasure in one night here and by gosh, he proved me right!" he continued.

Will covered his face with his hands as Elizabeth glared. Maybe a punch would not be sufficient punishment; perhaps something involving red-hot hooks and Jack's nose would be more appropriate.

"Yeah, and he's definitely not a eunuch from what I've heard today Elizabeth, you have nothing to worry about!" said Jack jovially.

Or perhaps, thought Will, he should go the whole hog and buy an AK-47.

"Now, we need another boat to go to Port Fontaine tomorrow. I must come up with a plan," said Jack. He sat down on the dockside to think about while Elizabeth rounded on Will.

"What girls?" she asked furiously.

"Look, it was before you came back, I hadn't seen you for almost ten years!" said Will.

"So?" asked Elizabeth angrily.

"What? You expect me to go for ten years without even looking at another woman?" asked Will incredulously.

"Yes," said Elizabeth angrily.

Will mouthed speechlessly for a few seconds, completely unhinged in the face of such unreasonableness.

"Could I just buy you a dress and earrings to make up for it?" he asked desperately.

"Yes," said Elizabeth. "Actually, I'm glad you mentioned that, I've seen the perfect one in a shop in Port Royal...."

Will rolled his eyes and let her get it out of her system.

"Hey! Is that the Dauntless?" she asked.

Will looked up. It was indeed the Dauntless, with Commodore Norrington at the helm.

"I'll go and ask him if I can borrow it!" She stood up.

"Do you really think that that's such a good idea?" asked Will.

"Why would he say no?" she said.

"Well, let me see...you dumped him very publicly after he'd risked his neck as a wedding present for you, you got one of his ships blown up, last time we took the Dauntless we didn't actually bother to ask him first, and then that time you got drunk you broke into his house and dyed all his wigs pink, for starters," said Will.

"So?" said Elizabeth, striding off towards the Dauntless.

Will began to go after her but was distracted by Jack wrestling with Elizabeth Swan and shouting "Will, control your woman!" By the time he had untangled Elizabeth the real Elizabeth had gone over to the Dauntless and was about to start talking to Commodore Norrington who was, Will noted, wearing a hot pink wig.

"Oh crap," said Will, running after her to intervene, still clutching Elizabeth Swan.

"..So as I was saying, can I please borrow your ship?" Elizabeth finished as he ran up to them.

"No," said Commodore Norrington. "Oh, it's you," he said, turning to Will.

Elizabeth Swan honked loudly and the Commodore jumped, as if he had just noticed her. "I wasn't expecting to see you again, least of all clutching a swan," he said.

"Yeah, well," said Will. Jack Sparrow came up and joined them, having sensed a situation that could result in a gain to him.

"Look, mate, can I borrow your ship?" he asked.

"No."

"Oh, please. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?"

"Yes, I am savvy! That's why I said no!" said Commodore Norrington.

"Please can we borrow your ship?" asked Elizabeth. "We'll bring it back."

"Like you brought back the Interceptor?" asked the Commodore pointedly.

"Yes, well, that was different. Cursed pirates blew that up, and you know what they're like," said Elizabeth.

"So what are you going after this time?" asked the Commodore.

"Errrr...well..."

"It's more cursed pirates, isn't it?" said the Commodore.

"Well, they're not as cursed...."

"No," said the Commodore.

"They stole my pet cockerel!" said Jack angrily.

The Commodore looked at him. "What?"

"My pet cockerel Mr Cluck! They stole him! Now we need to get him back and we need a ship, and YOU ARE NOT HELPING!" said Jack.

The Commodore looked questioningly at Will, who mouthed, "Don't ask," at him.

"So, can we borrow your ship? Please?" asked Elizabeth.

"No!"

"If you do I'll buy you presents," said Elizabeth.

"Nice ones?" said the Commodore hopefully.

"Of course," she said. "I might even be tempted to buy you a new hat, or a pair of shoes with silver buckles, or a wig that wasn't pink..."

"Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt to let you borrow it for a couple of days," said Commodore Norrington. "But bring it back in one piece."

"I promise I will," said Elizabeth solemnly.

"Hey guys! We've got a new ship! Bring the rum!" shouted Jack.

"I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" said Commodore Norrington.

"Yep," said Jack, running up the gangplank with the rest of his crew and Elizabeth hot on his heels. They cast off and were sailing away before Commodore Norrington could change his mind.

"Jack, do you know where we're supposed to be going?" Will asked Jack.

"Yeah. About 100 miles away is another port which we need to dock in, then it's about 10 miles cross-country to Barbossa's hideout." Jack took a swig of rum, then howled and clutched his tooth.

"For goodness' sake, let Luka pull it out!" shouted an exasperated Katie.

"No! He is not putting his instruments of torture anywhere near my mouth!" said Jack forcefully.

Katie rolled her eyes and went over to Luka.

"You have got to take out Jack's bad tooth!" she said to him.

"I know," said Luka, "but if he won't let me near him, what can I do?"

"Listen, I've got a plan," said Katie. "But the others will need to help...."

Half an hour later everyone was sitting in the living room watching the TV. Jack was sitting in an armchair opposite Muffin's cage and was eyeing the rabbit suspiciously.

"What?" he asked.

Muffin started sniffing his sawdust.

"Don't look at me like that," he said to the rabbit.

Muffin started eating from his food bowl.

"You want a piece of this? Bring it on," Jack spat, standing up and balling his hands into fists.

"Jack, stop arguing with the rabbit, it can't understand you," said Katie impatiently.

"It can," Jack insisted. "It's planning something.....something evil....."

"Of course it is," said Will patiently, giving Katie a 'humour him' look.

"Hey Jack, would you pass me the TV times?" asked Arwen casually.

"Sure," said Jack, reaching over towards the coffee table.

"NOW!" shouted Will.

Everyone leapt to their feet and pounced on Jack.

"Eh? What the hell are you doing?" he shrieked as they pinned down his arms and legs and Katie sat on his stomach so that he couldn't get up.

"Go on, Luka," she said. "What? What Luka?" asked Jack in a panicky way. Luka approached with the pliers.

"No! NO!" screamed Jack.

Luka knelt down and made to put the pliers in Jack's mouth to remove the tooth. Jack clamped his mouth shut.

"Come on, don't make this difficult," said Luka patiently.

"I'm on it," said Neo, pinching Jack's nose closed so that he could not breathe through it.

Jack slowly turned beetroot red, then purple.

"We can wait," said Luka.

Seconds later Jack opened his mouth for a gasp of air, at which point Luka rammed in the pliers and pulled out the bad tooth.

The air turned blue as Jack vented his feelings about this treatment.

"Quick, give him something to shut him up before the Lord himself smites him down for blasphemy," hissed Elizabeth.

"OK," said Luka, pulling out a syringe and injecting the contents into Jack's arm.

Suddenly he stopped struggling and a blissful smile spread across his face.

"You can let him go now," he said, standing up and pocketing the pliers.

Everyone gingerly let go and then, seeing that he was not going to struggle, got up. Jack remained lying on his back, smiling to himself and occasionally giggling briefly.

"What exactly did you give him?" asked Katie.

"Something I saved from my time in Croatia," said Luka. "It's pretty good stuff. Can't figure out why the American authorities wouldn't approve it."

"Really?" asked Katie nervously.

"Haha....it glows," said Jack dreamily, looking at the light bulb.

"Yes, it does," said Katie slowly. "You know, maybe you should go to bed." She tried to pull him to his feet, but he pushed her away.

"No...the floor is good," he murmured, waving his fingers in midair.

"Er...that's good," said Katie, heading back to the sofa along with everyone else.

"We've run out of ham," said Trinity, returning from the kitchen with the entire contents of the fridge piled on a plate. "And pie...and crisps.....and cucumber....and courgettes....and pretty much everything, really..." She sat down and started tearing into the pile of food.

"Gone...all gone," droned Jack, giggling to himself.

"Is there any antidote to that stuff you gave him?" asked Katie.

"I don't know....I quite like him like this," said Will.

Neo reached for a muffin on Trinity's plate, but she glared and made stabbing gestures with her fork. Neo wisely chose to back off.

"All hers.....hehehehehe...." Jack giggled. Suddenly he fell asleep, and snored noisily for about 30 seconds before waking up briefly, making confused noises, and falling asleep again for another 30 seconds. He repeated this process over and over again until long after everyone else had gone to bed.

DAY 7

Katie went into the living room and saw Jack still in exactly the same position he had been in the night before. Rum was asleep on his stomach.

"Jack? Are you awake?" asked Katie nervously. Jack just smiled to himself.

"What's up with him?" asked Frankie, coming up beside her.

"I don't know," said Katie, prodding him with a stick, "but it had better wear off soon."

"Why?"

"Well, no-one else knows where this port is, do they?"

"Good point. LUKA!"

"What?" Luka entered the room wearing just a towel around his waist. "What is it?"

"Can you give Jack an antidote or something for that drug you gave him?"

"It's kind of a bad time," he said pointedly, gesturing at the towel.

"We don't care! Only Jack knows where this port is and, unless he wakes up pretty soon, we'll probably sail right past it!"

"Fine!" Luka went over to the bookcase and pulled out an enormous book, which he started browsing through. "It's the encyclopaedia of medical science," he explained." "It has listings of every known drug and its antidote. Right......D.......D......Ah. Right. Just as I thought. That clears that up, then." He shut the book and put it back on the shelf.

"What's the cure?" asked Katie eagerly.

"There isn't one," said Luka briskly. "We have to wait for him to snap out of it of his own accord. And now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to my bath," he said pointedly, turning to leave.

"Wait!"

Luka stopped and turned round slowly. "What?" he asked impatiently.

"What do we do to get him to snap out of it?"

"I don't know...use your imagination." He left the room quickly before they could ask him to do anything else.

"Was it just me, or could you totally see through his towel?" Katie asked Frankie.

"Yeah, you could. Ewwwwwwwww," shuddered Frankie.

"More to the point, how are we going to wake him up?" asked Katie.

"I don't know.....Jack! The Agent Smiths are on deck and they've come to kidnap everyone!"

There was no response.

"They're stealing the treasure!"

Jack didn't move but Rum opened his eyes and glared.

Frankie suddenly had a stroke of genius. "They're stealing the rum!" she yelled.

Jack's eyes flew open and he sat up, tipping Rum onto the floor. " The rum!" he shouted, drawing his sword and staggering to his feet. "Where?"

"Not really, we were just trying to wake you up," said Katie. "Where are we stopping?"

"Oh. Where are we now?"

Katie gave him the coordinates.

"Oh, we've gone past it. Turn round and head towards these. Savvy?" He pulled a ratty piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Katie, who headed up on deck to give them to Will. Frankie went to follow her but Jack pulled her back.

"Wait, I want a word with you," he said, putting his sword back in its sheath.

"OK," said Frankie, sitting down on the nearest sofa.

"Well, being a pirate and all, I haven't exactly given a great deal of thought about settling down. Savvy?"

"Yeeeeaaaah?"

"Well, for you I'm willing to make an exception. You're not a bad-looking girl after all."

"What? Jack, I don't think-"

"Wait wait wait wait wait! I'm not done. There are three conditions. One, you must keep me and the cockerels supplied with a steady supply of rum. Two, you must not nag me about my rate of consumption of said rum. Three, if I disappear and spend a night in Tortuga, don't ask me about it. Ask no questions and you'll be told no lies, love!"

"Jack, I really think you've misunderstood-"

"Come on Frankie dear, I'm making this proposal because I've seen the way you look at me-pure lust. Not that I can blame you, of course, but..."

Frankie was surprised. She didn't suppose that it was particularly easy to confuse revulsion for lust. She opened her mouth to correct him, but he shushed her.

"Look, I know you're excited, but keep a lid on it briefly. I think that we should get married in Tortuga chapel-you get a free bottle of rum for every marriage service completed-"

"Jack, I don't think that this is such a good idea."

"Wh-why?"

"I think you maybe misread the signs a little. I'm not actually in love with you."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not."

"Eh. Easy come easy go." Jack swanned off upstairs, leaving Frankie speechless. Seconds later Katie stuck her head round the door.

"We're here. What was that all about?"

"Just a-er-just a bit of a misunderstanding," replied Frankie.

"OK. Come on up, we're having a meeting in the captain's cabin." Katie went up on deck followed by Frankie and they looked out over the port. It was pretty primitive-the only manmade things in sight were a pond full of geese and a ramshackle building with a sign outside reading 'KUSTOMS OFISERS' HOWSE'.

"How much effort does it take to spell a sign right?" asked Katie as she opened the door to the captain's cabin.

"Too much, evidently," replied Frankie as they entered the room. Luka, Will, Trinity, Neo, Becky and Jack were already in there.

"Hey," said Will.

"What are we meeting about?" asked Frankie, going to stand by the window.

"We've got to hike cross-country to Barbossa's hideout, so we need to assign jobs," slurred Jack, swigging from a bottle of rum.

"I'll read the map!" volunteered Trinity. Neo's eyebrows shot up.

"Honey, do you really think that's such a good idea?" he asked gingerly.

"Why do you say that?" Trinity spat, hackles rising.

"No reason!" said Neo quickly. "It's just...well....map reading has never been quite your forte, has it?"

"What do you mean by that?" she asked angrily.

"Nothing, nothing," said Neo, abandoning all intentions of mentioning the time that she guided the Nebuchadnezzar into the machines' stronghold rather than Zion.

"Will, Elizabeth's chasing the geese!" said Frankie, peering through the window. The sound of panicking geese and splashing became audible.

"Will, sounds like your swan's out of control again," said Jack.

"My swan's right here," said Will confusedly. Elizabeth Swan honked and pecked Jack's leg.

"But....how......but...." said Jack, looking at the hissing Elizabeth and at the window. He looked quite perplexed, shook his head to clear it, and went over to the window and peered out.

Elizabeth was chasing the geese around the paddock, arms outstretched, shouting, "Boo! Boo! Boo!" at the top of her voice. The geese were running away from her, wings flapping.

"Oh, come on! I thought geese were meant to be tough!" she yelled, throwing a stick at them.

The geese stopped, turned and spread their wings.

"Uh-oh," muttered Elizabeth.

The geese started hissing before charging her. Elizabeth screamed and ran.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaaaaa!" laughed Jack, before

Elizabeth Swan bit him on the backside.

"Owwwww! Will, control your woman!" yelled Jack, fending the swan off with a table lamp.

Will grabbed the struggling Elizabeth Swan and carried her out of the door and below decks.

"Right, let's get going," said Jack, striding out the door.

"Wait! Wait, we don't know what we're doing or where we're going!" yelled Frankie.

Jack's head popped round the doorframe. "Oh, right. Neo, you carry stuff, Trinity, you read the map, and Luka, you guard the compass. Savvy?" He disappeared out on deck and everyone ran after him down the gangplank. Elizabeth met up with them at the bottom.

"Hi," she panted. "I was just...er...."

"Don't worry, we saw you from the window," said Katie briskly.

"Oh," said Elizabeth, eyeing the geese, who were regrouping next to the miss-spelled sign.

"Hike on, maties," said Jack, striding off. Everyone followed him.

"Boo!" shouted Elizabeth, waving her arms as they passed the geese, who hissed in response.

"Elizabeth, don't chase the geese," said Will.

"Which way?" asked Jack.

"Errrrrr....straight on," said Trinity, peering at the map.

The group strode off up the path.

Two hours later, it was evident that they were completely lost.

"These hills aren't on the map," said Trinity perplexedly as they climbed another

small but steep hill among hundreds.

"They must be!" said Luka.

"They're not!" said Trinity stubbornly.

Neo peered at the map. "That's because you're holding it upside down!" he said exasperatedly.

"Oh. Silly me!" said Trinity, turning the map the right way up. Luka buried his face in his hands.

"Oooooh, don't worry, there's a nice flat green grassy bit over there. Much easier to walk over than these hills," said Trinity, pointing at it while stuffing the map back in her pocket.

Everyone sighed and headed in the direction that she was pointing in.

"Yes, very nice grassy bit this turned out to be!" said Jack sarcastically, pulling his foot out of the sucking bog with a great deal of effort.

"Schhhhhhhherrrrrp!" went the bog.

"Well, how was I supposed to know it was a bog?" asked Trinity defensively, trying to pull Neo out of the particularly deep part he had become stuck in up to his thighs.

"Oh, I don't know-perhaps the fact that it was labelled 'bog' on the map?" said Arwen, pulling the end of her parasol out of the mud.

"Schlooooooooooooooorp!" went the bog.

"I thought that was just a name," said Trinity as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "You know, like Stanton Island isn't really an island?"

Everyone looked at each other, daring each other to say something and risk angering the beast.

"Umm..." said Neo, "That is actually an island."

Trinity glared. Neo pointed at Jack.

Elizabeth Swan had no trouble-she just floated over the top of it with Will on her back.

"What do you think of Elizabeth now, Jack?" he said smugly to Jack, who was struggling to pull his boot out of the bog while standing on one leg.

"Will, you know I've always thought that Elizabeth was gorgeous," said Jack, winking at the real Elizabeth, who was wading through the bog with her dress hitched up over her knees.

"What?" asked Will.

"Oh, you meant the swan!" said Jack.

Elizabeth Swan honked and charged at him across the bog.

"Aaaaaaaaah!" Jack wobbled as he leant backwards in an attempt to avoid the hissing swan and fell back into the bog.

"Ewwwwww...this actually smells pretty vile," he moaned as Frankie pulled him to his feet and handed him his lost boot.

"Tell me about it," said Luka, who was giving Becky and Machka a piggyback ride across the bog.

"Neo?" said Trinity.

"What?"

"Why can't you give me a piggyback ride?"

"Errrrrrrr....." Neo eyed her colossal bump. "Errrrrrrr......"

"I'll take that as a yes," said Trinity, jumping onto his back.

"Shit!" groaned Neo, wobbling under the weight and sitting down in the sludge.

"Oh, well done," said Trinity sarcastically, getting to her feet and pulling Neo upright from his position embedded in the bog.

"Schloooooooooeeeeerrrrrrp!" went the bog.

"What? I wasn't expecting you to jump onto me!" said Neo weakly, trying and failing to brush off the mud stains.

"Hooray!" said Jack, staggering onto dry land and collapsing on the spot, and immediately producing rum from somewhere. "Oh, it's exhausting walking through bogs!"

Shortly afterwards everyone else staggered onto the raised bit of dry land and sat down to get their breath back. Everyone was coated in mud at least up to their knees, apart from Becky and Machka, who had been carried over by Luka, and Will, who had ridden over on Elizabeth Swan. Jack and Neo were absolutely coated in mud from head to toe.

"Oh, well, it could be worse," said Jack, wiping the mud off his face, hands and boots with Luka's handkerchief.

"How?" asked Neo. "We're lost, tired and covered in mud!"

Elizabeth Swan chose this moment to spit a large quantity of mud that she had swallowed onto Jack's newly cleaned boots.

"Well, that could have happened," said Jack.

Elizabeth Swan shook herself and sprayed mud all over him.

"Or that," said Jack, kicking the swan.

Elizabeth hissed and threw herself on him, knocking him to the floor, before starting to bite him all over.

"Owww! Owwwwww! Will! Control your woman!" shouted Jack, wrestling with the enormous bird.

Suddenly Elizabeth Swan tore herself free from Jack and took off. She flew over the crest of the nearby hill.

"Elizabeth! Come back!" Will tore after her.

"Oh, bloody Nora," said Jack, running after him with the rest of the group panting after them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jack asked him after catching up with him.

"She seems to know where she's going. Maybe she's leading us to Barbossa!" Will put on a spurt.

"It's a bloody swan, mate!" Jack yelled after him.

He kept running after Will, who had disappeared over the crest of the next hill.

"As if a bloody swan could take us to Barbossa! They're not particularly intelligent creatures in my opinion, I don't see why we have to chase her! Let her go, I say, she's annoying enough," he said to himself, struggling over the crest of yet another hill. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks. Will was sitting on the ground smiling smugly, with Elizabeth Swan beside him in front of an enormous castle and a sign saying "Barbossa's Castle- Keep Out."

"They'll be no living with him after this," he said to himself.

"OK, we've found it, but how are we going to get in?" asked Luka.

"Through the door!" said Jack.

Luka walked over to the large door and tested it. "Locked," he said. "Now, has anyone else got any bright ideas?"

"I know! Let's give up and go home and forget about that blasted chicken," said Will.

"Seconded," said Neo.

"No! We can't just abandon Mr Cluck!" said Jack indignantly. "Wait! I've got an idea!" He ran round to the back of the castle.

"What on earth is he doing?" asked Katie.

"God knows," said Frankie.

"Hey! Guys, come on, I've found a way in!" yelled Jack.

Everyone ran round. Jack was pointing triumphantly at a storm drain at the back of the castle.

"No way," said everyone.

"Come on, the water's only knee-deep and there are vents leading from it into various rooms in the castle!" cajoled Jack, wading into the drain.

"OK," said Katie and Frankie wearily, climbing in after him. Everyone else moaned and groaned before climbing in and following him. They picked their way between stones and deeper parts of water as they waded through the drain. Elizabeth Swan had chosen to remain outside and chase Barbossa's ducks around the moat. The real Elizabeth had wanted to do this too but Will had pulled her in after him.

"This is either madness or brilliance," said Will, tripping over a large stone,

"It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide," said Jack, peering up one of the vents. "This seems to be the Great Hall. Right, I'll climb up first, and I'll help the rest of you up afterwards. How's that?"

"Great," said Will, wiping bits of mud from the bottom of the drain off his face. Jack pulled himself up into the vent so that only his legs were visible.

"What do you see?" asked Katie nervously.

"I see a big room and...wait...Elizabeth, what are you doing here? Aaaaaaaah!" Jack fell backwards out of the vent and landed squarely on Will, knocking him back into the murky water. Elizabeth Swan honked and spat down the vent at Jack.

"Will, control your woman!" said Jack.

"I would if you weren't sitting on top of me!" said Will angrily, pushing Jack off him.

"I'll go up first, then I can control her while you climb up, OK?" Will climbed up through the vent and out of sight.

"Right, me next," said Elizabeth, pulling herself up through the vent to join Will. She put her hand down to help everyone else up.

"Wow," said Will as the last one climbed out of the vent, "This room is huge. It makes you feel about this big," he said, measuring a minute distance between his thumb and index finger, "Which I'm not," he clarified quickly to Elizabeth.

"Haven't we already had this conversation?" asked Elizabeth, looking bored.

"Right! Now, to Mr Cluck's rescue we go!" said Jack, staggering off towards the stairs.

"Wait! Maybe we should be a little more precise with our search," said Katie quickly, "rather than barge straight through and hope for the best."

"Hey, that's weird," said Will. "If I open the front door, it looks like we're at the port." He opened the door and everyone could see the sea and their boat moored opposite.

"That is weird," said Jack.

"Yeah, but if I close it and open it again, we're back in the moor," said Will, opening the door again. It was true. They could see the bog in front of them.

"That's really weird," said everyone.

"Glad you like it. It's a bit of technology I borrowed from my friend the Merovingian," said Barbossa as he descended the stairs.

Jack glared at him, which normally looked impressive, but he was swaying slightly from the amount of rum he had drunk in the past five minutes. "Give back Mr Cluck!" he said, "Or we will destroy your castle!"

"How do you plan to do that?" asked Barbossa. Jack turned to Will.

"Look at that vase, Will. Why don't you go and look at it?"

"Oooooh, OK!" said Will. He walked over. As soon as he rested one finger on it, it shattered into tiny pieces. Will jumped backwards. "Whoops," he said, and started putting the pieces into the nearest flowerpot. The flower immediately keeled over and died. "Oh crap," he muttered.

"Look at that suit of armour!" prompted Jack. Will continued his path of destruction around the lobby. Within a few seconds, many vases had been destroyed, several soft furnishings spoiled, many metal coverings tarnished, and Barbossa would never get that stain out of the carpet.

"By the way," said Barbossa quickly to Neo as another statue bit the dust ("Not AGAIN," muttered Will), "his wife Persephone said that it was lovely to see you again, she loved the present, and she requests that you call her on this mobile number." He handed over a slip of paper to Neo.

"WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?" screeched Trinity.

"Uh-oh," muttered Neo.

"Do you know what he's talking about?" she asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

"Errrr, well, knowledge is a funny thing," blustered Neo, rubbing the back of his neck.

"HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THIS GIRL?" screeched Trinity, planting her hands on her hips.

"Errrr.....well.......erm.......well.......yes."

"You bastard! What did you buy her?"

"Huh?"

"Barbossa said that she said she loved the present. What did you buy her?"

"Erm...nothing much...just a pair of shoes...."

"What sort of shoes?"

"Errr....pink ones..." said Neo, squirming.

Trinity gasped and glared even more. "Not the baby-pink round-toed ankle- strapped white-polka-dotted kitten-heeled Kurt Geiger court shoes I wanted to buy but couldn't because my feet had swelled up to five times their pre- pregnancy size?" she asked incredulously.

"Errrr......yes," said Neo.

"You bastard!" screeched Trinity.

"You bastard," said Katie and Frankie.

Trinity hyperventilated briefly before smiling slightly and folding her arms. "Me too," she said slowly.

"What?" asked Neo.

"Yeah. You're not the only one who can have affairs, or did you really believe me when I told you I was working late for every night over three years?" said Trinity spitefully.

"What-how-when-how-what-who?" stuttered Neo.

"Morpheus," said Trinity.

"What?"

"Mouse, Cypher, the Merovingian, both the Twins, Seraph....."

"Oh damn," muttered Neo.

"...Commander Lock, Ghost, Tank, Dozer, Apoc, Link, all the Agent Smiths..."

"Wow," muttered Katie.

"And him, him, him, him, him and him," said Trinity, pointing to Elladan, Elrohir, Luka, Barbossa, Jack and Will.

"Good God," said Neo.

Becky slapped Luka round the face. "You swine!"

"I hate you!" screamed Elizabeth, pushing Will over backwards and kicking him repeatedly.

"But Elizabeth, honey," said Will desperately.

"Don't you 'honey' me!" She kicked him hard in the lower stomach.

"All right!" yelled Elladan and Elrohir, high-fiving each other.

"However much I love listening to your relationship problems right now, I feel that we are rather digressing from the subject in hand," said Barbossa.

"Yeah...right...what was that again? Oh yes, we demand that you return Mr Cluck!" said Jack, drawing his sword.

"Who?" asked Barbossa.

"My pet cockerel! You stole him!"

"Oh, is that all?" asked Barbossa scornfully. "Sure, you can have it back. But first you have to pay off your debt!"

"What debt?"

Barbossa pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper and unrolled it to its full length of almost six feet. It was entitled 'Tortuga Bar Bill' and was printed with hundreds of subtotals adding up to one enormous total.

"Oh, that debt," said Jack.

"Yes, that debt."

"Errr, yeah, OK. Will, mate, can I borrow some cash?"

"I'm a little tied up right now!" said Will, fending off the blows that Elizabeth was now raining down on him with an ornamental hat stand.

"Please don't damage that, it was given to me by a very dear friend," said Barbossa. As he spoke Elizabeth snapped off one of the long rods spiralling from it and started poking Will with it.

"Fine," said Barbossa, pulling out a pen and resting the bill against the wall.

"One....ornamental.....hat stand....." he muttered, writing on the list. "OK, now pay up," he said.

"Fine, fine, fine," muttered Jack, fishing around in his pockets. "Here." He presented Barbossa with a stack of gold coins.

"Happy doing business with you," said Barbossa. "Pintel! Bring the bird!"

A door opened at the top of the stairs and Mr Cluck was hurled out.

"Brawk!" squawked the bird in fright, flapping his stunted wings. Jack caught him as he flew past him.

"Hello Clucky, did you miss me? Did you?" Jack hugged Mr Cluck, who responded by biting him on the nose.

"Oh, I missed you too." Jack planted a big kiss on Mr Cluck's head.

"Sorry to break up the reunion, but shouldn't we be getting going?" asked Katie. "We have to sail back to Port Royal by tomorrow to return the Dauntless and to drop me and all the other guests off at the station."

"You're right," said Jack, striding over to the door and opening it to reveal the port.

"So long, you waste of space," called Barbossa.

"So long," said Jack.

"Actually, I was talking to the cockerel, but it's nice that you finally know your place," said Barbossa snidely.

Everyone trooped out of the door of what had originally seemed to be the

'KUSTOMS OFISERS' HOWSE' but now seemed to be the back door to Barbossa's castle.

"So, do you forgive me?" Neo asked Trinity as they climbed back up the gangplank onto the ship.

"How's this for your answer?" said Trinity, shoving him squarely in the chest so that he fell backwards off the gangplank and into the water.

"I'll take that as a 'no' shall I?" Neo shouted as Trinity stomped down below decks. Mr Cluck shook himself and strutted off below decks-to commandeer Will's cabin again, no doubt. Jack cast off and they headed back towards Tortuga to dock for the night before continuing on to Port Royal to drop off Katie and the other guests.

At 10pm that evening, Frankie was lying in bed trying to forget about Samara and the weird Ring video, when she heard a muffled scratching noise out on deck.

"Jack? Is that you?" she asked nervously.

There was no answer, and the scratching grew louder. Suddenly the ship gave a loud groan and tilted dramatically to the side, leaving the floor at a 45-degree angle.

"What the hell is going on?" yelled Will from downstairs as Elizabeth Swan slid past Frankie's door, honking angrily.

"What do you mean?" asked Jack sleepily from below deck.

"What do you mean what do I mean? The floor's tilting!" screeched Frankie, scrambling out into the corridor.

"Is it? I thought that was just me," said Jack.

"No, it is," said Will, struggling past Frankie wearing only a pale pink skirt wrapped round his waist.

"Oh. Well, that's a first," said Jack, appearing from the stairwell with a cockerel under each arm. "Nice skirt, by the way. Real manly."

"Shut up, it's Elizabeth's."

"That's not the point mate. The point is, why're you wearing it?"

Will opened his mouth to answer when suddenly Elizabeth appeared with a bed sheet wrapped round her.

"Oh, that's why," said Jack, winking very obviously at Will and smirking at

Elizabeth.

"Eww, don't look at me like that!" squirmed Elizabeth, wrapping the bed sheet round her more tightly.

"You let me look at you like that when we were stranded on that island," said Jack smugly. Elizabeth looked at her feet and Will's eyes widened.

"What-how-you-erm-you didn't-" stuttered Will.

"Ahhh, we shall never know," said Jack regretfully.

"Why?"

"Too much rum," he said, shaking his head. "That's a real shame. That's one memory I would have treasured."

Will glared.

"What? She wasn't engaged then!" said Jack defensively.

Suddenly the ship lurched and tipped even more dramatically to the right. The sound of water rushing through the lower decks became apparent.

"What do we do now, Jack?" asked Katie as everyone appeared in the corridor, having been quite literally flushed out of their cabins by the rising water.

"Er...well, due to this unexpected development, I think it would be best if we...er..." Jack trailed off, twirling his moustache.

"Abandon ship?" suggested Will, struggling to hold up the pink skirt, which was being pulled off by Rum and Mr Cluck.

"Yes!" Jack yelled, running out of the door and onto the deck. Everyone followed him.

"What the hell is that?" shrieked Jack.

"Cedric?" said Katie. "Where did you come from?"

Cedric looked up from his current meal-which was, in fact, the hull of the ship-and bleated a greeting.

"Does that thing belong to you?" asked Jack as they struggled down the near- vertical gangplank onto the jetty.

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"What do you think it is? It's a goat!"

"More to the point-why is it eating my boat?"

"Your boat? It's Commodore Norrington's boat! He's going to be really angry!" fretted Elizabeth.

The boat gave one final heave and sank below the waves. Cedric hopped nimbly off the deck as it went down before starting to devour the mooring rope.

"He's going to be really pissed off, Jack," said Will nervously.

"You're right! We'll have to get a new ship. In fact, my mate Harry is getting rid of one. I'll go find him and buy it off him, and we can give it to the Commodore tomorrow."

"Is it similar to the Dauntless?" asked Luka.

"He won't notice a thing. I promise," said Jack confidently.

DAY 8

"See? I promised I'd bring it back in one piece," said Jack proudly, pointing at the boat he had just moored at the dock.

Commodore Norrington raised his eyebrows.

"What?" asked Jack nervously, fiddling with his hair.

"You broke it and bought a new one, didn't you?"

"Erm.....what makes you say that?" asked Luka.

"One. 'Dauntless' does not have an 'r' in it. Or an 'o'. Hence my belief that that is not the original nameplate."

"Yeah.....but that doesn't mean anything...." said Jack weakly.

"Two. If you pull off said nameplate," he tugged at it and it snapped off, "Which, I might add, seems to have been made out of some sort of wheat cracker, it says 'Property of Harry Campbell, not Jack Sparrow,' underneath." The Commodore took a bite out of the nameplate.

"Anything else?" asked Will. The Commodore recoiled as he looked more closely at him.

"Why are you wearing one of Elizabeth's skirts?"

"There is a reason, trust me," said Will, blushing, "It's just a very long story. I'm not wearing it out of choice, I assure you!"

The Commodore's eyebrows arched even higher. He looked at the officer at his side, who stepped closer and whispered into the Commodore's ear.

"He's the eunuch, sir," hissed the soldier.

The Commodore shot a sideways glance at Will and nodded before turning back to the group.

"I am not a eunuch!" shouted Will. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

The Commodore's eyebrows disappeared under his wig.

"So, what else have you got to back up these wild allegations about this not being the Dauntless?" asked Jack, drawing himself up to his full height. It would have been quite effective, had Elizabeth Swan not chosen that moment to leap upon his back and start pulling out the hairs on the back of his neck.

"Oww! Owwww! Will, control your woman!" yelled Jack, swatting wildly at the swan.

Will pulled off the swan and held onto her. This was not an easy task-the swan's one and only desire was to kill Jack Sparrow. Or at least maim him.

"Well, there's the fact that it's completely unseaworthy," said the Commodore.

"What makes you say that?" asked Jack.

The Commodore pointed at the spot where the boat had been moored. There was now only the tip of a mast poking out above the waves.

"All right, I'll give you that," said Jack sullenly.

The Commodore waved them away and turned talk to his officers. The group traipsed away into Port Royal. They were dropping off the guests at the bus station.

"So, we should perhaps buy you some new clothes now," Elizabeth said to Will.

"Why? I think that skirt's rather fetching," said Jack.

"Why?" asked Will incredulously.

"I don't know."

Two girls walked past them. One smiled at Will and gave a little wave, but the other whispered in her ear. They both burst into giggles and walked quickly away.

"I'm not a eunuch!" he yelled after them.

"Fighting a losing battle there, mate," said Jack.

"We're here," said Elizabeth. "Which bus is it you guys want?"

"Errrrrr......that one!" said Katie, scrutinising the bus timetable. They all picked up their bags and heaved them onto the bus.

"Bye! Come back again sometime!" shouted Becky.

"Bring rum!" yelled Jack.

They all waved as the bus drew away from the station. The last thing Katie saw before it rounded the corner was Mr Cluck finally succeeding at pulling off Will's skirt and running off with it.

"You see? DEFINITELY not a eunuch!" yelled Jack triumphantly in the distance.