"So how's Sebastian going?"
Kurt looked up from where he'd been staring intently at the three small children playing tag across the lawn from him. Jen was standing beside their regular bench, holding two cups of coffee; a cappuccino for her and a mocha that he assumed was for him. He smiled at her, choosing not to respond to her question and instead patted the spot next to him.
Jen and him had been meeting there almost every afternoon ever since Jen's husband had been admitted into the hospital and their regular meetings had quickly become one of the highlights of Kurt's day.
Jen sat down and handed him his coffee, taking a sip of her own drink while she watched him searchingly. Jen was only 35 but the stress of her husband's physical therapy combined with the shrewd look she was giving Kurt meant that she looked at least ten years older. Kurt looked away and took a deep gulp of his coffee as he went back to watching the game of tag, smiling fondly when one of the children fell over only to get back immediately with a loud giggle.
"You never told me if you and Seb have kids," Jen said and Kurt sighed in response, stomach churning with repressed emotion as he tore his eyes away from the playing children.
Jen mirrored his sigh when the silence became too long. "Not up for sharing today then?"
"Not really," Kurt admitted. "Sorry."
He placed his own wrinkled hand on Jen's that was resting on the bench between them. He smiled a little ruefully at the contrast, grief had aged him in a much more permanent way then it had for Jen.
"That's okay," Jen smiled and Kurt noticed a sad tilt to her mouth. "I have a lot to share."
Two months ago, Jen's husband Nathaniel was in a car accident upstate that left him scarred from the waist up and without one of his legs. His first month in the hospital was spent in intensive care which meant that Jen wasn't able to stay with him for long in the few hours that he was awake and understandably Jen was reluctant to stray too far from the hospital. So Jen would walk down to the hospital garden and sit at the same bench that Kurt did, often for hours at the time and the two soon became friends, despite the difference in their ages. At that time Sebastian had still been undergoing treatment which meant that Kurt would spend that time with Jen but now it was during Sebastian's frequent naps that Kurt would walk down to the gardens.
Nathaniel was now in a normal ward and while his physicals scars were healing, his emotional state meant that the doctors estimated that there was still a good few months until he would be able to leave. Jen had comes straight to Sebastian's room that day, crying and clinging to Kurt desperately while Sebastian slept through it.
"What happened?" Kurt asked and Jen removed her hand so that she could hold her cup with both hands.
"He refused to get out of bed again."
Kurt grimaced. "It's been what four days?"
"Five," Jen corrected with a sigh. "And the doctor said that if he keeps it up, he'll have to start the therapy from scratch."
"Oh Jen…" Kurt murmured sympathetically and she shrugged, her face crumbling a lit bit as she sipped her drink.
False assurances were at the tip of Kurt's tongue as he watched Jen struggle to hold herself together but he knew better than to lie. The last year had ensured that Kurt would never again tell someone that 'it' would be okay when there was a chance it wouldn't be. Not only would Jen probably not believe him but it would do her no good to hear hopes that would only be shot down.
The two sat in silence for a while, Kurt holding his drink with one hand while the other held onto Jen's. The children still playing nearby had become too painful for him to keep watching and so Kurt focused his attention on the trees that were rustling more and more with each passing minute. The wind was getting stronger, a sure indication that the predicted storm would be passing over sooner rather than later. Kurt shivered, wishing that he had thought to bring his coat and scarf with him.
Jen turned and look at him with concern. "Are you cold?"
Kurt frowned when he saw that Jen herself didn't look even a bit cold herself despite her own lack of a coat or jacket. It was yet a reminder of how old his body had become.
"No," he denied immediately. "I'm fine."
Jen laughed, sounding more cheerful than she had all day. "No need to be so stubborn, come on let's go inside, you can walk me to Nate's room.
Kurt glared at her for a few seconds but when her grin didn't let up, he grudgingly returned it.
"Alright then," he stood up and offered his arm. "Only if you let me take you shopping this week."
Jen scrunched her face up at his suggestion as she took his arm. "I'm a grown woman; I can buy my own clothes."
"Are you sure?" Kurt asked teasingly, eyeballing the ratty t-shirt she was wearing.
Jen rolled her eyes. "Oh hush."
"Come on Jen, give an old man a break here," Kurt said wheedlingly. "It'll make me happy."
"Fine… You drive a hard bargain, Mr Hummel."
They began to walk back towards the entrance, neither of them saying much as they passed several patients in wheelchairs and those with drips attached sitting at the gazebo. Kurt recognised several of them; some of them had even been there longer than he had and most of them would be there even after he had left.
He swallowed hard, feeling a sudden urgency to get back to Sebastian's bedside and so when he and Jen reached the elevator inside the lobby, he unlinked their arms apologetically.
"I'm sorry Jen but I'll think I'll head straight to Sebastian," he said, feeling genuinely sorry. "Can you make your own way up?"
Jen's face lit up with understanding. "Of course I can."
"Thanks," Kurt smiled with as much cheerfulness as he could manage. He had the feeling he wasn't being convincing but he was grateful that Jen wasn't prying.
"We're still going shopping right?" Jen asked as they stepped into the elevator. "I hate to admit it but my wardrobe does need an upgrade."
"Of course," Kurt mustered a real smile this time. "I'll text you."
The elevator dinged.
"That's me," Jen squeezed Kurt's hand as the doors sprung open. "Tell Seb I said hey okay?"
"I will," Kurt said a second too late. The doors had already closed behind her and he was left alone in the elevator.
Sebastian was still asleep when Kurt let himself into his single room. It didn't matter how long he'd been doing this, every time Kurt half expected for the room to be different. Sometimes he walked in half petrified that Sebastian had passed only to feel dizzying relief when he saw Sebastian asleep, with the heart machines beeping. What was worse though were the days when he let himself hope that walking in he'd see Sebastian looking better, maybe even standing up without the help of a frame and with colour in his cheeks. The disappointment was always worse than the fear.
Kurt quietly made his way over to the chair that sat just next to Sebastian's head, sitting down carefully as not to disturb his sleeping husband.
He sat still for a moment, just staring at Sebastian and drinking in the sight of his thinning grey hair and the lines that even sleep could not completely erase. The rise and fall of Sebastian's chest made the panic that had begun to build within Kurt back with Jen subside a little and he was able to sink back further into the chair after a quick glance at the various machines that surrounded Sebastian.
That fear would never disappear and it had been present ever since Sebastian had first been admitted but it felt almost like a routine now to Kurt, but he knew he was lucky. Being able to watch Sebastian's eyes flutter open every morning and afternoon made the terror seem worth it. He had long stopped denying the reality of it, there had come a point where he had stopped saying things like "these things don't happen" and "we don't deserve this" simply because he had finally realised that it was his life and this was happening.
46 years was a lifetime after all, some of the people at the hospital didn't even live that long and to have spent someone's lifetime with the person who completed you was a privilege that Kurt didn't even think he deserved.
And yet he still wanted more. He wanted to grow old with Sebastian just like he'd imagined when they were just starting out.
Kurt reached out and cupped Sebastian's cheek, smiling when he felt Sebastian stir under his touch.
"Good afternoon, sweetheart," Kurt whispered when Sebastian opened his eyes, stroking Sebastian's hair reassuringly when Sebastian look vaguely panicked for a split second. He was always disorientated when he woke up, a combination of the medicine he was taking and the fact that his naps were getting longer every week.
"Kurt," Sebastian exhaled and the smile on his face made Kurt's lip wobble even though he'd seen it dozens of times before. For all his talk about Kurt going back to work and moving back into their New York apartment, every time Sebastian woke up and saw Kurt next to him he always look so relieved that Kurt was still there.
"Who else would it be?" Kurt teased lightly. "Have you been making plans with Gio next door?"
Sebastian grinned sleepily. "I wish."
"I know you do," Kurt reminded him, raising an eyebrow, daring Sebastian to say anymore.
Gio was an Italian man around their age next door recovering from pneumonia and he was just as much of a flirt as Sebastian. A week before when a nurse had wheeled Gio into Sebastian's room so they could "have a little chat" Kurt had been subjected to twenty minutes Sebastian and Gio swapping stories about the exploits their younger selves used to have.
"Oh come on, babe," Sebastian shuffled up so that he was sitting more than lying down. "Gio's a good laugh."
Kurt didn't say anything but after a few seconds of Sebastian grinning knowingly at him, he couldn't hold back a smile.
"I guess so," he allowed and Sebastian laughed scratchily.
"I think he's leaving in a week," he said, looking more alert. "Perhaps we should get him a cake."
"You mean I should get him a cake," Kurt said with a sigh but seeing that Sebastian was starting to look guilty, smiled a little tiredly. "I'll see if I can pick one up when I go shopping with Jen tomorrow."
Sebastian immediately looked happier at that. "How is Jen?"
Kurt sighed, looking away. "Nate's refusing to go to physical therapy…"
"What?" Sebastian asked, surprised. "How long has this been happening?"
"Five days."
The room was quiet for a moment, Sebastian's breathing had quickened slightly and Kurt was still staring determinedly at the cabinet, a little unsure of why the weight on his shoulders seemed to have become twice as heavy.
"Poor Jen," Sebastian finally said and his tone turned accusing. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Kurt finally looked up and seeing that Sebastian looked more concerned than angry, tried to quell the frustration that was building up inside of him.
"I didn't want to worry you," he said truthfully. "You have a lot to deal with."
Sebastian frowned, sagging back into the pillows slightly. "If it's worrying you, you should tell me-"
"I'm always worried," Kurt cut in, a little a sharper than he'd intended.
It was true though, he couldn't think of anything that happened in the last six months that wasn't tinged with worry. It came hand in hand with everything; happiness, anger and even relief.
Sebastian was an open book those days and his expression told Kurt everything he already knew. Sebastian was looking at Kurt like what he saw broke him, like he desperately wanted to help in anyway despite being helpless. It was exactly the way Kurt himself knew he looked at Sebastian.
But Kurt could only be grateful that the anger that had once overshadowed that worry was gone.
Back when they hadn't now Sebastian was sick the first time Sebastian had collapsed in their kitchen, all it had meant was one night in the downtown hospital and several blood tests. But when Sebastian had collapsed and ended up in a shared room at the downtown hospital for the fourth time in three months, the doctors had eventually come to a diagnosis.
It wasn't just his heart, they'd said to Kurt. It's everything.
And then Kurt'd been forced to explain it to Sebastian because he couldn't bear to watch a near stranger tell his husband of 45 years that he was already dying of old age even though he'd barely reached 60.
"So? What's wrong with me?" Sebastian had been given his own room by that time and he'd been lounging on the bed, already looking better. He'd been grinning.
And Kurt had sat there, on a hard plastic, hands clenched so tight in order to stop his tears leaking out. He'd been selfish, hadn't said anything for almost thirty seconds so that he could savour the last moment of Sebastian thinking it was going to be okay.
"It's your heart," he'd said eventually when Sebastian's confusion became too much, tears already streaming down Kurt's cheeks. "It's your immune system, it's your blood, it's your lungs, it's everything."
The colour had drained from Sebastian's face that was pale to begin with and it was the first time since Evelyn that Kurt saw Sebastian cry.
And then they'd spent three months that at the time had felt awful, filled with hospital visits and Sebastian quitting his job at the firm but now Kurt looked back on them and realised how lucky those three months had been. They'd had a home together then and for the most part they'd woken up next to each other in their bed.
It's a far cry from sneaking into Sebastian's room after hours and sitting there until Sebastian falls asleep and heading over to the seldom used hotel room that Kurt rented.
"Kurt..." Sebastian said quietly, breaking Kurt out of his reverie.
Kurt shook his head. "Don't."
"But-" Sebastian began but Kurt shook his head again.
"I'm going to read for a bit," he said, settling back into his chair and reaching for one of the magazines that lay beside Sebastian's bed.
They sat in silence for the rest of the afternoon.
-oOo-
By about six o'clock Kurt's stomach was reminding him that he hadn't eaten in almost five hours and telling him to go down to the cafeteria and pick up something for dinner before visiting hours were over.
"I'm going to get something to eat," Kurt told Sebastian, taking out his headphones and looking expectantly at his husband. "Do you want anything?"
Sebastian nodded, placing down his book. "I might die if I don't have proper food today, could you get me a turkey sandwich?"
On days that Sebastian was feeling particularly energetic, one of his favourite things to do was to complain to Kurt, the staff and anyone who would listen about the quality of the food. Kurt actually didn't think it was too bad especially for a hospital but then again, he wasn't eating it three meals a day every day.
"Uh sure," Kurt said and he reached for his bag. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"I would like a beer thank you," Sebastian smiled toothily at Kurt who stared stoically back at him.
He could tell Sebastian was trying to lighten the mood but all he was really doing was making Kurt pissed off instead just weary.
"Do you want anything to drink?" Kurt repeated, standing up and Sebastian's face fell.
"No I've got water here," Sebastian tilted his head toward the jug sitting on the cupboard. "Hurry back."
You know I will.
Kurt spent most of his wait in line berating himself for letting everything get to him. It wasn't Sebastian's fault and yet still, every time Kurt ended up taking it out on him anyway. He wished it didn't feel so impossible to push through all the grief and pain on the bad days so that he could actually spend them with Sebastian instead of just beside him. He didn't want to think about missing Sebastian and yet there he was avoiding him.
It was just getting so damn hard.
Kurt said a quick hello to the nurse's at the desk at the start of Sebastian's corridor, making a note to check in with Dr Eugene the next day about the tests that were scheduled at the end of the week. Tests meant that Sebastian would be even more drowsy than usual and that Kurt would be able to spend a few hours having a proper chat with Jen and Nate if he was up to it.
The thought made him smile and he sped up as he neared Sebastian's room, his guilt at being so distant with Sebastian increasing. He let himself in, not surprised to see that Sebastian had fallen back asleep. He put Sebastian's sandwich on his tray table and sat back down, reaching for Sebastian's hand that hung just over the side of the bed.
"Dinner," Kurt said quietly, squeezing Sebastian's hand gently.
Sebastian opened his eyes sleepily and at seeing Kurt he smiled so gently that Kurt felt himself fall in love all over again.
"Hey," Sebastian whispered and Kurt smiled back.
"Hey 'Bastian." Kurt pushed the tray towards him and scooted his own chair closer so that they could both use it as a table.
"Thanks for the food," Sebastian said, stifling a yawn. "What would I do without you?"
Kurt rolled his eyes but smiled warmly. "I love you."
"I love you back," Sebastian said and he didn't let go of Kurt's hand, not even when they began to eat.
A/N I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, as the story goes on things will become more clearer I promise. Drop me a line and tell me what you think?