All My Thoughts Of You
By Lady of the Ink
Rating: PG, for semi-dark themes
Pairing: K/K
Note: Monologue Fic, Sequel to "Holding My Last Breath"

x

x

I'm still here.

I wonder sometimes if you know that. Can you feel my presence in some way? Do you ever get the feeling that you're never alone?

That was my biggest fear, you know, leaving you without someone to support you. Deep down I knew that wouldn't be true, that Tohru and the others would be there for you always. But I just felt like no one could do it exactly like I did.

Maybe that's why I was granted this gift, given this chance to remain by your side, even after I was supposed to be gone from the world. I would never have been able to find peace if I was at all unsure of you being taken of.

And so I've been with you constantly. I got the chance to watch you grow and change, becoming less a boy and more a man. I laughed when you did, cried when you wouldn't, suffered and rejoiced equally as you moved through life. Every new thing you learned about yourself, I learned right along with you.

You've proved my guesses right, you know. You've become the great person I always knew you would be. Would it be too odd for me to say that you've made me proud?

Well, you have. You lived your life in the world of those people who rejected you, but you never sank to their level. You didn't allow yourself to become what they thought you already were. In doing so, you've proven yourself to be better than they ever would have guessed. Stronger, too.

You've accomplished so much as I've watched from your side. You fought hard for what you felt you deserved, and won more often than not. Everything you have, you earned through your sweat and determination.

Maybe the biggest piece of proof that you're a different person than the one I knew is the list of things you didn't fight for. Some of the things that I thought meant the most to you, you just let go of. Priorities change as much as people do, so I guess it's understandable. But there are some things I would have guessed you'd die before giving up on. Those things had been the driving force in your life for so long, I still can't believe that you gave them up.

But then, watching over someone isn't the same as being an active part of their life. I can no longer get inside your head to know the reasons behind your choices. It's a loss that I regret, but at the same time, it's something that reassures me.

You always took things much harder than you let on. I was really worried about how my leaving would affect you. Would you blame yourself? Be angry that you hadn't noticed the rocks and dirt just a moment sooner, hadn't run just a little faster, stretched just a little farther? Was I going to be given the chance to be closer to you in spirit than I was in life just to have the price of that closeness be too much for you?

Maybe all of those were a bit true. You grieved right along with everyone else. Regardless of how you felt about me romantically, I like to believe that you at least saw us as friends. I would have been at your side in a second if you needed me.

Whether you knew it or not.

But life goes on, and you went with it. Old friendships grew stronger or faded away, and new bonds were formed. I watched it all, anticipating some of the big events in your life, dreading others. I have to admit, the thought of you getting married was the best and the worst of the bunch.

You probably don't believe that I, of all people, was rooting for you to marry someone else. But I was. I really meant it all those times when I said your happiness was important to me. And since that day in the woods, your happiness is my happiness.

Besides, it's not like I could hope to fill that role, now or ever. That particular train left the station long ago. It's no use holding out hope for an impossible dream, especially when it would come at the expense of someone else's dream.

I always knew that you would make a good husband. You pay close attention to the people you care about, and you're always willing to listen. Those two things alone make you a prime catch. Add in looks and everything else you have going for you and you should have been snapped up right away.

So why weren't you? Why did you stop trying?

It's been killing me, if you'll forgive the choice of words, not knowing why all these years. Did you do it for her? To spare her the pain that is eternally linked to our family? Was it because of Yuki, and the bond they seem to share? Did you do it because of doubt? Could you possibly have believed you didn't deserve her?

Well, I said I loved you. I never said you were a genius.

So I've watched you closely, as only I can. I've watched and waited for some clue as to your reasons for that choice. But you've given nothing away. I guess I'll have to wait to find out.

Which brings me to my real point. Just what exactly do you think you're doing? I've been keeping a closer eye than usual these past few weeks. Ever since you got sick, I haven't been more than a foot from your side.

I can tell that something's not right, you know. There's something missing from you lately that you need now most of all. Your willpower, your spirit, your . . .life. I can almost feel you drifting away, and it scares me.

The whole thing came as something of a shock. I had assumed it was just a normal illness, something easily caught and easily gotten over. A few days of rest, some soup, and good care and you'd be fine. But you aren't fine.

I'm looking at you as you lie in that bed, so pale and weak, so unlike the boy I remember. You sleep most of the time now, but even that brings you no peace. Even in rest you're tossing and turning, flashes of pain etching their way across your dearly loved features. The only color you have now is the swatches of red brought by the fever that rages inside you.

That brings to mind another thing. When the fever struck at its worst not so long ago, the oddest thing happened. Just once, I thought you might have seen me. Crazy, huh? After all, I've been hanging around for all this time, and there was never any sign that you knew of my presence, so why would it be any different now?

But there was no one else in the room in that moment when you opened your long-closed eyes. And it really did seem like you were looking right at me.

And you smiled.

That smile nearly broke my heart. I never imagined that such pure emotion could fill that simple gesture. Such joy, such anticipation, I would have cried if I could.

Like I said, it was just that once. I don't even know what you thought you were seeing in that moment. It could have been your mother. It could have been Tohru. It could have been anyone.

But if you don't mind, I'll just pretend it was for me. That's not such an awful thing, is it? I'm not really taking it from anyone, since no one else was there. In fact, I'm actually helping. If I believe that it was meant for me, then at least it wasn't wasted on an empty room.

I'm hopeless and I know it. But when it comes to you, I never could help it. You're just too easy to love.

Which is exactly why you should be fighting now. Who knows how many other people you need to meet. Who knows how many other lives you're meant to touch. But you can't do any of that if you quit now. I know I'm not the best person to be delivering this argument since . . .well, you know why. But it's different for you. I didn't have a choice then, not like you have now. Do you have any idea what I would have given for another chance? Even just one more day? One more minute?

And you're throwing it away. Giving it all up, just like that. Idiot! Fool! Moron!

Okay, I'll stop now. I'm sorry I yelled. It's just that I don't understand why. But in the end, I guess it's your life, your choice, and I have no say in it.

What is wrong with you! Do you have the slightest clue what you're risking? What you're leaving behind? How do you think the others would feel if you just give up? Have you even thought about that?

Take it from someone who knows; there is nothing like what you're going to lose. You're going to regret not trying harder. Trust me. I have quite a bit of experience in this matter. I know better than anyone should ever have to know what it feels like to want something you can never get back.

Hey, what's the matter? What's wrong? No! No! Don't you dare give up now! Fight! You have to!

Where is everybody? Someone should be here by now! You would have to choose now to pull this, wouldn't you? You always were too stubborn for your own good.

Finally! I can hear someone coming. It's Hatori, thank god, come to work his magic. He'll straighten you out and then you can get back to the really important stuff. Walking, talking, playing, loving . . .living.

Wait, why is Hatori stopping? Are you okay now? You don't feel okay. You feel . . .

No.

No.

Don't do this! Go back! Fight, you idiot! I know you can do it if you would just try. You're the strongest person I know.

I never would have taken you for a coward. But there you are, just giving everything up. Quitting in the middle of the game. What's so appealing about this that makes you willing to give up so much? What . . .

. . .

. . .

Oh.

Hello.

I didn't see you there.

Well, I guess it's no use yelling anymore. Your decision has been made. Can I just say that it's not one of your best?

Okay, I'm done now. I just can't believe that you're here, standing right in front of me. I've been looking forward to this for so long. Of course, I had thought this day would come quite a bit further down the road. But what can I do?

There are so many things I've been waiting to tell you. So many things I've wanted to ask you. And wouldn't you know it, now that I'm getting the chance, I can't remember a one of them. Funny, huh?

Oh, my. There it is again. That smile from before. Is it possible . . . Was it meant for me all along?

Did you see me? Somehow, through the fever, did you see past whatever wall normally hides me from sight?

I guess it doesn't really matter. In fact, I'm beginning to see that a lot of things don't matter. For all the time that has passed since we've been together like this, you still bring a fluttery feeling to my stomach. If it were possible, I think my hands would be sweating, I'm so nervous.

And why wouldn't I be? This is only the moment I've been dreaming of for years. No matter how many times I've run through this meeting in my head, I've never been sure how it would go. Would you be surprised to see me? Happy? Sad? Angry? I'm hoping that there will be some good in your reaction. At the very least, a familiar face should make this all easier for you.

Well, there's only one way to find out. I guess the time's come for me to take the first step, both literally and figuratively.

I watch your face as I get closer. You look exactly the same as you did that day in the woods. When I get close enough to look into your eyes, I see what I've been waiting for. You're looking back, seeing me for the first time in so long. And it's only now that I realize something.

You've been waiting too.

x

A/N: Again, this turned out to be nothing like I planned. I was going to make it that she hadn't died at all, that she was still alive. But then I started going and I hadn't even gotten halfway through the first handwritten page (I write everything out by hand first) when the last line came to me. It just seemed so perfect, allowing for something of a happy ending without taking away from the emotional impact that I knew I had to run with it. And although it's not what I wanted, I'm actually pretty happy with this whole thing.