"So, why are we here again?" Chester asked, turning questioningly to his friend A.J.
The boy in turn shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure myself."
"Isn't it because Mr. Crocker told us he'd give us all Fs if we didn't show up?" Elmer, who was sitting beside them, suggested.
"Well, what's the point? Everyone here has an F anyway… except for A.J., I mean, but seriously. We're in Mr. Crocker's basement. This is weird."
"Well, Mr. Crocker has done a lot of weirder things."
"I was told there would be cake," Sanjay complained.
"Where is Mr. Crocker, anyway?"
As though on cue, at that moment the basement door burst open. Mr. Crocker stood, his face obscured by two cardboard boxes he was holding, both overflowing with various gadgets and strange equipment. Peering over the side of the boxes, Crocker grinned. "Greetings, class! I'm glad you could all make it tonight." He proceeded to carry the boxes awkwardly to the front of the class and dropped them on the floor. "Tonight, I have a very important presentation I'd like to show you!"
"Oh, great…" Chester groaned.
"This isn't another one of those 'the proof of fairy godparents' slideshows, is it?" A.J. rolled his eyes. "Last time, one of the pictures you took was of my grandma's feet."
"Ew, gross. Feet."
"Fear not, my son!" Crocker exclaimed joyously. "It is true, yes, that I have been subject to such silly beliefs in the past. But no longer! I have finally overcome my idiocy. I can now officially say that my fairy godparent hunting days are over."
"Really?!"
"Yes, really! Tonight, class, we are instead going to discuss something much less childish and much more believable. We are going to discuss the existence of… UNICORNS!"
Beaming, Crocker flipped a switch on the wall behind him. Immediately, the wall spun around to reveal several unicorn posters and a projector screen, on which 'UNICORNS' was projected in large, boldfaced letters. He turned back to the children.
"… unicorns?"
"Yes! It's taken some trial and error, but I've now discovered the truth. Fairies are not real. UNICORNS are real! They gallop into the sunset and ride on rainbows."
The children glanced at each other.
"Um, wow…" Chester blinked.
"I'm not sure if that's better or worse than the fairy godparent theory," A.J. scratched his chin thoughtfully.
"Wow, dude. Crocker is seriously off his rocker," muttered another student.
"I want to go home. I'm missing the new Crash Nebula."
"The cake is a lie!" Sanjay shrieked in sudden realization.
"Now, now, children, settle down. I'll answer any questions you have in a moment." Crocker bent down and pulled a clipboard out of one of the boxes. "First things first, we must take attendance."
Crocker proceeded to go down the list of students, each name followed by a corresponding 'here'.
"Very good," Crocker remarked. "Timmy Turner?"
The name was met by silence. Crocker glanced down at the class.
Then he grinned.
"Ah… HA!" he exclaimed quite loudly, frightening a few kids sitting in front of him. "Just as I had expected! Because the boy is not present, it is safe to assume that Timmy Turner is in possession of his own… UNICORNS!"
"… orrr maybe Timmy has a life and doesn't want to waste his night in his teacher's basement?" Chester suggested.
"Or, rather, his teacher's mother's basement," A.J. remarked.
"Silence!" Crocker snapped, now suddenly angry. "I myself am not a big fan of this room, but it just so happens the Crocker Cove is under new construction, after that little accidental mix-up with what was supposedly not a real H-bomb… oh… but that's not the point! Tonight I am here to talk about my unicorn sightings! And yes, these are real!"
Crocker turned to the projector screen and picked up a remote from the boxes, smacking the button impatiently.
"… those are my grandfather's feet!"
"This is totally bogus, man."
"I want caaake!"
"Denzelllll!" came the holler of a woman. Crocker's mother stepped out of the hallway, smiling sweetly.
"Mother, this is not the time--" Crocker cringed, standing stiffly.
"Oh, sorry if I'm interrupting your little lesson," she chuckled, "do any of your little friends want cookies?" The old lady pulled out a plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies from behind her back. The fifth-graders stayed seated--all except for Sanjay, who ran up and grabbed as many as he could.
"Mother, get out!"
"Oh, Denzel!" The woman frowned. "You never appreciate me for what I do for you! If you hate living here so much, why don't you just move out?"
"No!" Sanjay begged, forking cookies in his mouth. "These cookies! They are amazing! They are just like grandma used to make!"
"Out!" Mr. Crocker screeched, pointing at the doorway. Although sadly and reluctantly, the old woman left the room with her cookies (also causing Sanjay to be sad). The man rolled his eyes and turned back to the cardboard boxes he had stacked up in front of the wall.
"Now, then, I was right in the middle of showing you proof of unicorns, wasn't I?"
"That wasn't proof of unicorns. That was gross."
"No one asked you!" Crocker pointed a finger angrily at the boy who has spoken. "The proof I have gathered has been done with much research, and that research was made possible by a few devices I have concocted up myself." The teacher proceeded to pull many gadgets out of the boxes and handed one to each of the students.
"What're we supposed do we do with this?" Chester turned his gadget over quizzically. A spring popped out.
"This looks more like you took a bunch of kitchen utensils and glued them together," A.J. said, examining his item.
"Bob doesn't like our device," Elmer frowned. "He says it demotes his brain capacity."
"Now what we are going to do, class, is simple," Crocker continued. "We are all going to head to Turner's house and prove that he, in fact, has his own… UNI-CO-ORNS!" the man proceeded to spazz out accordingly.
"It just doesn't have the same ring to it," A.J. commented.
"Let's not do that," Chester rolled his eyes. "I'm going home."
"Yeah, I've already missed the first ten minutes of Crash Nebula. This sucks."
"I'm hungry. I think I'll go get a burrito."
"No!" Crocker shouted desperately. "You can't leave! Fs! Fs for all of you!"
The children proceeded to pay no attention to the old man as they filed out the door, chatting and laughing. Crocker grew frustrated.
"Fine, then! Children or no children to help me, I am going to Turner's house, and I am going to prove that, one and for all… he has UNI-CO-ORNS!"
Crocker scratched his head.
"Hmm. That really doesn't have the same ring to it."
---
Mr. Crocker had now successfully snuck into the Turner's household. He stood, pressed up against a wall, decked out in unicorn-hunting gear, listening for sounds of movement. He began to hear somebody approaching. He cautiously turned his head around the corner to see who was there.
Timmy Turner was walking down the corridor, nonchalantly, holding a bowl of popcorn and whistling casually.
"A bit closer…" Crocker grinned. The boy drew nearer and nearer until finally, he was at the corner. Crocker took this time to make his attack.
"TIMMY TURNER!" he screamed, jumping out in front of the boy and aiming a small device at him and pressing the button-- which did nothing.
Timmy, who was surprised, to say the least, jumped back and dropped his bowl of popcorn on the floor. "How did you get in my house?!" he exclaimed.
"Stupid broken thing," Crocker growled, jamming the button several more times to no avail. He shook his head and threw it behind him. "But that's no matter! Either way, Timmy Turner, I have caught you red-handed!"
"No, seriously, how did you get into my house?!"
"They all said I was insane, but I know better now! I know that you are in possession of…MAGICAL UNICORNS!" he spazzed. "There, that sounded better. At least, to me it did."
Timmy paid the crazy man no attention and instead looked disdainfully down at the spilled food. "You made me drop my popcorn, too!"
"Who are you to be worried about popcorn? After all, did you not get that popcorn from… a magical unicorn microwave?!"
"… no."
"… you didn't?"
"No. And you still haven't told me how you got in my house."
"Oh." Mr. Crocker frowned. "Through the back door. It was unlocked."
"Oh."
The two stood in silence for a moment.
"So you… don't have any magical unicorns?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, then." the man scratched the back of his head. "This is awkward."
"Yes, yes it is. Um… get out of my house?"
"Very well, then." Crocker nodded and headed toward the front door of the house. He turned around at the last minute. "Goodbye, Turner."
"Um, bye, Mr. Crocker. See you at school tomorrow."
"Alright, see you." the teacher nodded and proceeded to exit the house.
"Hmm, well, that was certainly embarrassing," Crocker said to himself one he'd gotten out. He proceeded to walk home.
"Oh, well. It looks like it's back to the drawing board aga-- oh, darn it." Crocker patted himself down. "I must have dropped my wallet back in Turner's house. I ought to go back and get it."
The man spun around and began to walk back toward the house. He shook his head, walking up the front porch steps as he thought himself foolish, and flung open the front door without knocking. Mr. Crocker looked up, and was astounded by the sight he saw.
"Did that popcorn just… fly back into the bowl by itself?" Mr. Crocker asked.
The boy looked up at him, alarmed, and blinked. "Uh, no. No it didn't."
"But I just saw--"
"No, you didn't."
"It did," Mr. Crocker realized.
"Oh, gee, look at the time!"
"And since you say you don't have any magical unicorns…"
"So, like I said, see you at school tomorrow, Mr. Crocker!" Timmy proceeded to shove the man back out the door, who was still a bit confused.
"There is only one explanation…"
"Bye!"
Crocker had now forgotten his wallet, and he really could have cared less.
"It was the work of--"
Timmy proceeded to slam the door in Mr. Crocker's face.
"FAIRY GODPARENTS!"
Crocker began to cackle madly.
"Magical unicorns, what was I thinking! Magical unicorns, my eye! FAIRY GODPARENTS!"
And he proceeded to scream happily, all the way home.
And, as he did so, two pairs of eyes watched him curiously from the bushes.
"Man, that guy is weird," stated one, lifting his horse-like head out, a shiny horn protruding from his forehead-- a unicorn.
"You said it," the other one lifted its head from the bushes-- another unicorn.
"I'm just glad he didn't find us. I'd hate to have someone like him chasing my tail."
"What a crazy guy."
"Yeah." the unicorn snorted. "Besides, who believes in fairy godparents?"
Both unicorns began to laugh, galloping off into the sunset and riding away on a bright, colorful rainbow.
The End
This fic was written for two main reasons: one, because I was bored, and two, because I wanted to make it known to the public how much of a fool those who do not believe in unicorns really are. Spread the love! For the Almighty Unicorn will one day rise again!
Yes, I am crazy. Thank you for asking.
Read and review, loves!