Allow me
to tell you a story quite true,
That took
place in the village where I myself grew,
Of a
woman, an awful though beautiful rotter,
Who lived
with her most unattractive daughter.
You know
the story of Little Red Riding Hood,
A
beautiful girl, pleasant and good.
But
believe me when I tell you there was so much more…
Starting
with, I suppose, that her grandma was a whore!
Grandma
had her daughter at the age of fourteen,
A daughter
who became the most world-renowned beauty queen.
At one of
her pageants she slept with the judge,
Who
tempted her to his room with a basket of fudge.
But he
truly loved her, or so she believed,
And that
was how Little Red Riding Hood was conceived.
Alas, the
man ran out when Little Red was born.
But for
her mother, there was no time to mourn.
"Oh
God!" cried the woman upon seeing the girl,
"This
child's face makes me want to hurl!"
So for many a year, Little Red was ignored,
Never
called on in class and quite un-adored.
Then one
day, during a family visit to grandma,
Mother had
an idea that made her say, "Ah
I know
what I'll do!" she said with delight,
"I'll
be like my mother and prostitute at night!"
After all,
Grandma had such a lovely house,
Including
an indoor toilet that flushed quiet as a mouse.
And where
else could she have gotten that money?
It now
seemed so simple, it was almost too funny!
"Now,
why did I not think of this before?
There are
numerous perks to being a whore!"
And so she
picked up her mother's profession,
Charging
each man five hundred per session,
And at
last she reached this most pleasant deduction:
She could
afford plastic surgery and liposuction!
So she
took Little Red to the doctor that day,
With ten
thousand and ninety nine dollars to pay
To make
her little girl beautiful, lovely as a pearl,
And take
away what once nearly caused her to hurl.
Three
months later, Little Red had healed quite nicely.
"Good
thing," said her mother, "for an operation so pricey."
She was
now the girl of whom you have heard,
Of blue
eyes, fair skin, and hair gold and curled.
She was
never, ever, ever again ignored.
Always
called on in class and oh so adored!
Doted on
by mother and grandmother all day and night,
Until one
day both of them saw the light!
"It
worked out for us, so why not for her?
She is so
much more beautiful than we ever were!
She's
only fifteen, but who really cares?
I want a
house with comfy leather chairs!"
Mother
said, smiling brightly and raising her brow,
"It will
never be legal, so why not start now?"
That is
the part you never were told.
And you
would have stayed ignorant until you grew old
Had you
not stumbled upon and awoken yours truly
After I'd
dozed in the grass, all brown and unruly.
But I am
not done, my friend, oh no, not yet!
There are
points in this story you don't really get.
Take, for
instance, her run-in with the beast
Who loved
nothing more than a Little Red feast
It is a
lie, all of that which they say,
Telling
you Little Red was the victim that day!
It is true
that her grandma lived quite far away.
But as the
first whore of the bunch, she demanded some pay!
So every
month Little Red would set off,
Even if
she had a headache, a pain or a cough,
To the
village where her dear old grandmother stayed,
Waiting
and wanting to be rightly paid.
But their
sort of business was illegal, don't you forget.
So they
had to be swift, or else be all wet!
"Grandma
is ill," Red's mother would say,
As sort of
a code for, 'Today is that day.'
She'd
fill up a basket with butter and cake,
And give
it to Little Red Riding Hood to take.
But
amongst all of that was something well-hidden,
Procured
by having a profession forbidden.
Off went
the girl into the dangerous wood,
With
nothing to protect her but a cape and a hood.
Her mother
had said, "Straight ahead!"
Not to
delay or be misled.
The police
had started to become suspicious,
And
punishment for their crime was something quite vicious.
But Red
could not help but become distracted.
By her
scent had a handsome gray Wolf been attracted!
'Oh!'
thought Little Red, 'Now what should I do?
I want to
obey mother and go right straight through.
And the
way his eyes are roaming just might make me so sick.
But mom
said never to turn down a trick!'
She
immediately accepted the Wolf's proposition,
Proceeding
to ask him his favorite position.
"My
dear," said the Wolf, "there is no need to rush!"
And he
grinned at Red Riding Hood, making her blush
"Darling,
if there is one thing I love, and this I must say,
It's the
euphoric thrill of chasing my prey!
Where are
you headed?"
A question
she dreaded!
She
searched for a lie, but came up with none
'Oh
screw it!' she thought. 'Let's have us some fun!'
"My
grandma is ill.
Always
writing her will
Over and
over and over again.
So I hoped
that this food might help ease her pain!"
"Oh,
well how caring!" said the Wolf to Little Red.
"Going
to Grandma so she might be fed!
I now feel
that my proposition was wrong.
I really
should just let you hurry along."
"Oh no,"
said Little Red with a smile so sly,
"You
don't have to go. There's no reason why!
If there
is one thing I'd love, and this I must say,
It would
be the euphoric thrill of being your prey!
So why
don't we play a game of cat and mouse?
We'll go
separate ways to my Grandmother's house!
You take
the short, and I'll take the long.
Wait by
the door, there's no way to go wrong!
I'll go
inside and drop off these things,
And then
we will have us some quite happy endings!"
They
agreed on a price
By a roll
of the dice,
And set
off on their separate ways.
Heading to
the cottage where Grandma still stays.
As for the
race to the house, the Wolf did obviously win
And took
is upon himself to drop right on in.
'What
could be the harm,' he thought to himself,
'Of
dropping in on the woman and wishing good health?'
But as he
soon found, Grandma wasn't there
After
looking around, he could not seem to care!
"Why,
I've never seen anything quite like this house!
This
toilet flushes far quieter than a mouse!
And oh, my
word, would you look at this bed!
Black
satin sheets, pillows lacy and red!
I must
lay down in it, that won't do any harm.
If I could have a house like this, I'd give my own arm!"
Now, the
Wolf enjoyed things that were so oddly kinky,
And
Grandma enjoyed clothing sort of soft and, well, slinky.
Right atop
the dresser by the large bed there sat
A
collection of lingerie and a pink cashmere hat.
The Wolf
couldn't help it, he put it all on,
Then
slipped under the covers, and quickly was gone.
Soon
enough, Little Red Riding Hood arrived,
Noting the
failure of the thing she'd contrived.
The
handsome gray Wolf was no where to be found!
She
rounded the house, and then heard a sound.
Looking in
the window, she let out a scream,
For there
was the Wolf, dreaming a dream.
"If
Grandma comes home, there'll be no way to redeem!
She'll
ruin my clothes, beat me all black and green!"
So little
Red Riding Hood, that mean little louse
Made to
quickly dispel the gray Wolf from the house
She opened
the door, causing him to awake
And laid
down the basket with the butter and cake
She knew
what he liked, she played his game
So as not
to disgrace her family's "good name"
"Grandmother dear, did I awake you?"
"Oh no, darling girl," he said, taking the cue.
"What big ears you have, flattered by that hat of cashmere."
"All the better to hear you with, my dear."
"Even larger, though, Granny, must be your eyes!"
"All the better to see you with, and make me seem wise."
"Oh, Grandmother, you've got such big hands!"
"All the better to grab you with, and undo waistbands!"
And at
last she delivered the final remark.
"What a
very large mouth, with teeth like a shark!"
"All the better to eat you with, my dear Little Red!"
And then
all at once he leapt out of the bed.
I will not
describe what he was going to do
Purely for
the sake of her, me, and you.
But I will
tell you that it was never to be.
For
Grandma came home, and what did she see?
Little Red
in her bed with a big, hairy creature
Wearing
her clothing to match every feature.
She had
been out all morning in the town bakery,
Playing
with the baker, whose name was Old Henry.
They had
gone back to her house to have them so fun,
But now it
seemed as if there'd be none!
"How
dare you, you mangy rat!
I'll
have your fur for a new doormat!
I don't
know who the hell you think you are,
But I'm
gonna thrash you so hard and so far!"
As it
turned out, when Henry wasn't with butter,
He spent
his time outside as a woodcutter.
So he
reached behind and pulled out his axe,
Preparing
to flay that old Wolf's sorry ass!
Cut open
the stomach, filled it with stone
And other
such things that will be left unknown.
The three
then took the Wolf and went to the river
Whose
water could make even the thickest-skinned shiver!
They threw
the poor gray Wolf right on in,
Giving no
time to atone for his sin.
The rocks
in his stomach weighed him down much like lead,
And those
three evil humans just left him for dead!
That is
the truth of the story, you see,
Which
seems to be known exclusively to me.
But I
swear by all that I will spread the word
And make
sure that the reality of this may be heard!
What did
they tell you became of the animal?
That his
end was so lonely, and so very dismal.
Waking up
to find stones in his belly,
He tried
to stand up, but his legs were like jelly.
He crawled
away, and barely made it to town
Before
pure exhaustion just made him fall down.
Lies!
Lies! Lies, I say!
I will
tell you that Wolf still lives on to this day!
Plotting
and longing for retribution!
He will
not rest before ruining those two wretched women!
Excuse me
now, I fear I must go.
I've
gone on for much, much too long, you know.
I have
plans for tonight, and I must not be late
And on top
of all that, I haven't yet ate.
I'm off
to town now, and before I grow thinner,
I will be
having some beloved old friends for dinner.