I Caught Myself, a naruto fanfic

I Caught Myself

By: Ta-chan~

Parings: Narusasunaru

Summary: So yeah, I'm in love with him--and yeah, he's a complete asshole, but that doesn't mean I need to be a girl about this. AU College. Songfic.

Disclaimer: Naruto -- Kishimoto, I Caught Myself -- Paramore.

Why is it that songs speak to me & give me inspiration? Anyway, this is one of my favorite Paramore songs (since there are so few). & yes, I will admit the only reason I listened to it was because it's on the Twilight Soundtrack. If not for that, I probably would have never even heard of it. But hey, the movie wasn't as amazing as I wanted it to be, but I like the soundtrack. Lmao.

Down to you…

There's always a breaking point when Person A likes Person B for a prolonged period of time--I think I'm finally reaching mine. Took me long enough to get there. So yeah, I'm in love with him--and yeah, he's a complete asshole, but that doesn't mean I need to be a girl about this. Really, how cliché can I get? They always go for the assholes--totally true. Uchiha Sasuke is the biggest asshole I know… And I'm completely in love with him.

Though I suppose there are about a billion others reasons that I like him besides the stupid cliché. Still, I can't see how my 'rival' became an object of attraction for me. How did my striving to be better than him grow into a profound love for him? Isn't that another cliché? I suppose the only thing that's not straight out of a hormone-induced fantasy novel is that we're both guys. Though I'm sure there's something out there like this.

You're pushing and pulling me down to you,

But I don't know what I…

When did this start? Ohh, if I really think about it, I guess it would be somewhere in the middle of high school. But I really didn't get what was going on with my head until our Freshmen year of college. Yeah, it's pretty sad that we've followed each other throughout our entire (no joke) school career, go from being enemies to best friends, and I wind up falling for the damn idiot. That's one more cliché to add to the thousands I could find if I looked hard enough.

I spend most of my life trying to be better than him; win his appraisal and what do I get? Unrequited love. Fan-fucking-tastic. I bet both my parents are rolling in their graves because of the sheer stupidity of their son.

Anyway--

Getting back to where I was originally going with the whole 'breaking point' and the fact that I'm one hundred percent positive I'm at it--I keep catching myself about to say completely ridiculous things. Things like: 'Oh my God, you look great in that shirt.' or: 'Wow, I would so totally love to ravish you right into the wall over there.' You know, simple thoughts that I would've kept in my head are starting to attempt to voice themselves.

Yes I'm in love with my best friend and yes he's drop dead gorgeous, but what the fuck?! Then, to top this whole bloody mess off, I've been progressing from a slight twinge of jealousy, to where I should probably be out of the room when a girl fawns over him. Ok, if that's not at my breaking point, then I don't know what is.

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought--

Why me? Really. In a past life I must've done horrible things to people--and probably animals--to deserve this kind of torture. Karma should've caught up with me when I was in that life, not now when I haven't done anything that would cripple a person in any shape or form. Excuse me, I didn't know I maimed and raped thousands of little children and puppies, leave me the fuck alone.

So. Do you want to know the worst part of this disaster? Sasuke definitely suspects something. No, I wasn't going all jealous-bitch on anyone (though you have no idea how much I want to), but like it's really that hard. I know I've been acting strange. I know. It doesn't take a genius to deduce that Uzumaki Naruto hasn't exactly been himself when he's constantly acting like he's on acid. Uh duh.

It's the truth, though. I'm always jumpy now. Especially around Sasuke, but go figure right? The reason I've been so jumpy besides my obvious breakdown? I swear, just in these past few months I've had the most dirty thoughts I've ever had in my life! I mean Jesus fuck! I feel like I'm going through puberty all over again with all these raging hormones. Except it's like ten times worse. I catch myself just drifting off into fantasy worlds that Sasuke would probably murder me for.

Ok, so we're not exactly private around each other and that could be fueling me now thirteen year old boy mind but my God! Most of them start because I'm talking to Sasuke and he just says something that initiates the whole thing. I could make some rough pornos with the crap I come up with. The sad part is that I've become used to them. I don't blush too much when my mind wanders and it's only in the dreams that I get hard. I'm going fucking psycho, aren't I?

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought of you!

With all these crazy fantasies, how do I know that I'm not just sexually attracted to Sasuke? Oh believe me, I know. My thirteen year old boy mind is the least of my problems. Yes, I get the mushy-gushy feeling when I'm around him as well. It's so tiring. I know people always say this, but I've never felt this way before--AND I FUCKING HATE IT. The movies lie. The books lie. And anywhere else where they say the 'love' feeling is amazing and fluffy IS LYING. It sucks. Hard. Mother fucking. COCK.

Of you!

It's put this major dent on our friendship. I mean, if I can't even look at him without my mind trying to force me to confess, it's going to add some baggage to the relationship. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually trying not to see him. I can't stand it and I know he's wondering what the hell my problem is. Jeez, I'd tell him if I wasn't so afraid that'd be the end of it right there. How are you going to react when your best friend admits that he's been in love with you.

Run the hell away, of course. Especially in Sasuke's case. He's already got so many chicks who want to rape him in a dark alley, the last thing he needs is the one friend he can trust to turn into the thing he can't stand to be around. Some friend I've turned out to be.

You're pushing and pulling me down to you.

I'm so indecisive now. I can't even figure out my priorities. On one hand I'd love to just get rid of all these hindering feelings and go back to the way things used to be… On the other hand I'd like to try it out. That just makes me a terrible person. Even if I somehow got Sasuke to 'agree' to that, how could I even think that would be alright? It wouldn't. There is no world that even my twisted mind can make up that would make it ok. There's just not.

It would all be for some selfish gain that wouldn't even be worth it in the end. Ooh, I get Sasuke; happy ending with little hearts and cupids… Yeah. Fucking. Right. Not only is the thought of Sasuke being anywhere near alright with what my head thinks up just completely baffling, but the world wouldn't be right. Sasuke and I together. The sentence should be labeled blasphemy!

But I don't know what I want!

No, I don't know what I want!

It's not my fault! Ok, well, it's not completely my fault. Sasuke has done his part in warping my mind forever. I'm not sure how, but I couldn't have just fallen for him all on my own. I was straight as an arrow before I figured this mess out. I'm not saying I'm gay now, because I still don't find other guys even remotely attractive, but I'm obviously not completely straight if I'm in love with Sasuke. In case we forgot, he is a boy. Despite his feminine appearance.

I know it's not his feminine qualities, because when I think Sasuke as a girl I just get creeped out. There's something about him as a whole that sucked me in and has me hostage. Yeah, that's a very trashy novel way to put it, but it's the truth. I mean, even before this whole mess happened I was completely enthralled with him.

Yes, I count being his 'rival' in order to gain his acknowledgement being enthralled with him. Back then I was even more obsessive than I am now. So he really did bring this all on himself. He didn't need to be so damn cocky with me and try to make me feel so damn inferior. He could've ignored me and I probably would've left him alone. Well, I might not have… But I don't think I'd be killing myself over these damn feelings.

You got it!

Some kind of magic…

I know it's not all his fault because I'm not as childish as I used to be. I realize part of the blame goes with me, but why did it have to be him? Why couldn't I have fallen for some other guy who wasn't as great of a friend as Sasuke is to me?

I swear, every time he even talks to me I feel like my heart overloads. Adrenaline rushes my system. I'm surprised I don't start sweating and stuttering like some love-stricken boy. Wait… I am some love-stricken boy. UGH. That was a stupid realization. Just makes me believe that I'm actually not any different than Sasuke's little fangirls that follow him around like he's their God. Ok, I haven't gone far enough to make a Sasuke shrine out of papier-mâché and try to show it off on his fansite. That's always a plus.

Still. I have feelings for him. Yes, I know they're real, unlike the creepers who just think he's some Godly figure, but it's still bad. I swear, sometimes when I think about him I think I was brainwashed into thinking these things.

Hypnotic!

You're leaving me breathless…

It's terrible! I can't stand this anymore. Yeah I may have made it sound like my head's just in a rush, but I really can't stand myself for thinking like this. Like I said before, it's not some happy-go-lucky love interest that ends with everyone smiling. Sometimes I'd love to just shoot myself in the head for the crap I put up with. It would solve my problems. It would probably create even more for the people who would still be alive, but hey, Sasuke wouldn't have to worry about his love-ridden best friend going insane.

Yeah, I can feel my thin wall of sanity breaking. Hell, it's practically broken now. All it needs is one little push and it will shatter. That's a scary thought. I'm this close to insanity but I still try to function as a regular member of society. Well, I try as hard as I can because there's no bouncing back to normalcy with the shit I've been having to take.

I hate this!

You're not the one I believe in…

With God as my witness!

So it's probably a wonder as to why I'm even thinking about this right now, huh?

It would be my luck I'd choose a normal day with normal plans to fall apart. And within my range of luck, of course Sasuke would be there to trigger it. Why me? Oh wait, I've already asked that.

What were we talking about? Oh, nothing that should've provoked me. We were just making plans to study because I'm not getting this thing in one of my classes--but that's not important. I'm not even sure how talking about study plans escalated. I honestly don't remember. All I know is that one minute we're talking about what time to meet at the library and the next we're screaming at each other. With the way things have been going it was probably me that started it.

Like I really want to start yelling at him. I try not to get into heated debates with him anymore because of certain things that would slip out. Certain things like oh, I don't know, I love you? That's why I'm acting so damn strange? Who knows what could come out of my mouth if I start yelling at him and he starts asking questions. When I'm angry, I tend to answer things without really knowing what I say until after I've said it. A habit I'd love to break.

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought--

Funny thing is, we're in a public place. Not only do I not want to start having a verbal fight with Sasuke, but I sure as hell don't want to do it in pubic. So what do I do? While he's in the middle of some sentence I just get up and walk away. I know he's going to follow me so it's not like our fight will end with me running away. Though I'd like for that to happen.

I'm speed walking through the hall, not quite sure why I'm so pissed off, but now I know a reason why he is. A little tidbit about Sasuke: He really hates it when people walk away from him while he's trying to get a point across. "Great. Real fucking mature, Naruto."

God this is just one big mess now, isn't it? "Would you rather me make a fool out of myself yelling at you?" I know I'm at least a foot away from him, even without looking behind me. There's no avoiding a fight right now. I've gone and pissed him off a little too much. And I don't even know what I did this time! Knowing me, it was probably over something little and it just escalated because I'm so damn frustrated with everything that's wrong with me.

I shove open the door to our dorm (yeah, we share a dorm. Fucking typical, right?) and storm inside. I still haven't looked behind me. I don't want to see his face. Not only because Sasuke is just flat out scary when he's pissed, but because it hurts. Yeah, I got him pissed at me and I have the audacity to feel hurt about it. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait, I actually know the answer to that question. Go me!

I hear the door slam shut behind me but I still don't look back. "What the hell is your problem!?"

Everything seems to come to a halt for me. Oh God, why did you ask that? WHY?! I turn around without really wanting to and stare at him. His coal eyes are narrowed and I know he wants an answer. The only answer I could give him is something he definitely wouldn't want to hear. I stare at him long enough to make his expression shift uncomfortably, but then I open my mouth and the words fall out before I can catch them.

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought of you!

Of you!

"You!" I all but scream at him. "You're my fucking problem! Everything about you is my problem!" I breath in deeply, "No matter how much I try to push you away, you just keep rearing your stupid head and I can't even figure out how to breath right afterwards!" I glare at him as his face falls. Yes, I realize I'm probably making zero sense right now, but there's no other way I can say it. "And even if I did manage to get away from you, I'd wind up going back to you! What the fuck!?"

You're pushing and pulling me down to you.

"You're everywhere I turn and I can't stand it anymore! I hate being in love with you!!" There. I said it. And I know I said because the look on his face tells me that I can't even pretend I didn't. It's terrible that I said I hate it, but it's also true. No, I don't hate him… I just can't stand everything I feel for him. "I hate it but…" My voice, it's soft. I don't want to be saying any of this. And even if I did, I really wish I hadn't screamed it at him. "I don't want it to go away just yet…"

Some part of me is truly happy that I'm in love with him. I'm not sure where it is but it won't let me let go of these dumb feelings. Even though they're pretty much ruining anything I could ever have with the silent guy in front of me. He still hasn't said anything but he looks like he's thinking.

It's awkward just standing here in this thick silence. I want to take it back. Take back everything I just said. I don't want him to think about what to say, because I don't want him to know anything. I don't want to talk about it. I just… Don't. I felt like something had been lifted off my chest when I finally screamed it out, but now I feel like there's something even heavier replacing it. I feel sick with doubt and anxiety. Panic is probably thrown into the mix somewhere as well.

"Then…" His voice sounds strange, like it's not really his, "What do you want?"

But I don't know what I want!

No, I don't know what I want!

What do I say? I don't know? That would be the truth, but that kind of truth isn't going to fly in this situation. He wants a legitimate answer and I can't give him one. How do I know what I truly want when I haven't the faintest idea of what's going on in his head? I don't want anything he doesn't, but I can't ask the right questions to figure it out. He knows I can't ask, because I don't want to know the answer. If he says he wants nothing I won't be ready for it… If he says he wants something I won't be ready for it.

He should know that I have no clue as to what I want. Isn't he always telling me about how I blindly strive for things without really knowing what to do with them? That's why I strive. I don't expect to actually succeed because I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I did. He can't expect me to say that I want him or that I don't want him. He knows I don't know. So why would he ask? Why would he even bother with such a useless question?

After all these years of knowing me he should've figured out by now how infuriating I can be when it comes to what I want. The question I guess I should ask myself is do I want him? But the answer is both yes and no. Yes for appeasing all the emotions. No because I know it's not right. I can't have him… I can never have him.

"Well?"

You make the decision because we both know I can't. It's not something that I should be left to the choice of anyway. It should be his choice considering I'm the one breaking the mold and blurting out all these things that have been locked inside my head until now. It would be a burden to know my answer before he could create his own. "The answer should be obvious."

Don't know what I want,

But I know it's not you.

It's strange but he let's me walk to the door though he knows I'm leaving. Hopefully he understands that I just can't be in this room right now. If he understands then why does he look so sad as he watches me walk out? Is it because he knows that I can't give him an answer?

No, it's because of the way I think. The fact that I'm leaving everything up to him and not even worrying about how I'll feel--that's why he's giving me that expression. Because he knows that even if he comes to me and says no, no matter how much that will probably crush me, I won't let it bother me on the outside. I'm being selfless, as usual. That's one thing he's grown to dislike about me. It makes him so mad that I'm willing to just drop anything and everything I have and go to someone else's side.

As he stares at me with his hurt eyes it fills me with this strange urge. I just want to grab a hold of him. No, I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him or anything like that. I just want to hold him. Shield him from falling victim to my self-destruction. I always knew I'd be the death of myself. It's just something that I've come to accept.

Though here I am, in this impossible situation, and I just want to hold him. How does he do these things to me even when it's completely the wrong time?

Keep pushing and pulling me down,

When I know in my heart it's not you!

After my 'lovely' confrontation with Sasuke last night I slept in Sakura and Ino's dorm. They asked questions because I'm sure I looked like hell, but I didn't give any answers. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. There was no point. I already know the outcome of this situation. He's going to say no and there's the end of my friendship with him. Just like that. All because I can't keep a lid on my feelings. My God I sound pathetic.

I could try and justify it because of how much I feel for him and how long I've felt it, but what kind of justification is that? It's just an excuse. No amount of romantic feelings should've been worth more than my friendship with him. As it turns out, I'm not as amazing as I try to make everyone believe I am. I'm not some guru who can fix every problem that comes along. Especially when it comes to my problems. Fixing my problems entitles me to lock them away someplace and hope to God they don't bust out.

Right now I'm at the library. Before you jump to conclusions--No. I'm not here because I think Sasuke will come here. I'm here because, despite the fact that I just lost one of my best friends, I still don't understand things in my classroom. If I'm going to succeed at something it might as well be school so I can at least make something with the rest of my life. Make up for the fact that I'll probably be this bad for the rest of it.

Though I can't really study. I've got too much on my mind--even with my iPod turned on. My thoughts bleed through the music and threaten to take over my body. If I let myself do half the things I'd like to right now, Sasuke would definitely never want to see me again. As if I need anymore drama in my life right now.

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought--

My mind keeps going back to mine and Sasuke's 'confrontation'. If I can even call it that. We basically yelled at each other ninety percent of the time. In any case, after a night to think it over I'm seriously starting to regret saying what I did. I know there was really nothing that I could've done to stop it (besides maybe not fight with him in the first place), but it's still making me feel very insecure. Even though I only said that because he asked that damn question.

I mean really! With all the things that had been on my mind right until that point, I can't really blame myself for letting it slip. It's actually been something I've been wanting to get off my chest for awhile so when he asked what my problem was… Right at that moment… Of course I was going to tell him straight out. Without even thinking of the consequences. Like I said before, when I get angry I usually blurt out answers to questions before I realize what's being asked.

Even if I try to justify it--I've been doing that a lot, trying to justify my actions--with the fact that it really couldn't be helped, it doesn't make things better. I don't feel any different and I know nothing has changed since I left the dorm last night. The fact of the matter is it's pointless for me to be sitting on my ass trying to make up excuses for my actions when nothing changes. It's especially pointless when it doesn't even make me feel better. Not that I think doing anything will ever make me feel better about what happened, but that's beside the point.

I should at least try to pay attention to the books I picked out. Even if my mind keeps replaying the events that occurred last night, I still have a test on things that I still don't understand. I always try not lot let my personal life interfere with my schoolwork. It's never a good mix. Because if you allow yourself even one excuse because you're depressed, you'll want to do it over and over again because suddenly you're depressed all the time, yeah?

So I put my nose in the first book I saw. I had brought them all out in a pile so it should at least be somewhat informational. Whether I'll retain the information or not is actually the question.

I guess I'm about a third of the way through this book when it's literally taken right out of my hands. My first response is surprise. So I look at my hands--which are still in the same position as they were when they were holding the book--and make sure the book is really gone. Once I've made sure it's gone, and I'm not seeing things, I look up. I couldn't stop the shocked look on my face, but I did stop myself from gasping like an idiot.

Now when I caught myself,

I had to stop myself

From saying something that,

I should've never thought of you!

You idiot, you actually came. I guess somewhere deep in my heart or mind or wherever I was hoping Sasuke would come meet me here. It only seemed logical because we made these plans before we began yelling at each other.

I knew!

"You think you're going to get it if you read a book?"

No, of course I didn't think that. I just needed something to pass the time. It's so weird, I can't speak. I'm afraid to. Because I'm afraid this is a dream and if I speak he'll just shimmer away like he was never there. I stand, "I…" My first word and Sasuke's still standing in front of me. Ok, we're making progress. Even though I have no idea why he would want to be here.

Before I can start to form another word he turns to walk away. But he looks back at me before he does so that means he wants me to follow him. Oh God, we're not about start fighting again are we? I really don't think I'd be able to make it through. I wouldn't be able to yell at him and make it seem like I was really mad. I couldn't. I'd end up breaking down and sobbing my eyes out probably. Oh, speaking of crying, I'm very proud of myself I've made it this far.

I know in my heart it's not you,

I knew!

He leads me into our dorm and once he closes the door behind him he turns towards me. He hasn't said a word the whole time. I'm actually getting a little freaked out. It must've shown on my face because he smiles softly. The way he always does when he wants to reassure me. But what do I need reassurance for? Is he going to take revenge and start yelling at me? Will he throw everything back in my face? God, you can't just 'reassure' me when I don't know what's going on!

"Sasuke I--"

"Shh." Aaand I instantly shut up. I don't know what's going on but the more I listen to him the less of a chance I have at pissing him off. That's good. "I really don't want to hear your voice right now."

Sure, I won't talk for as long as you like. Just tell me what the fuck's going on!! As he takes a step closer to me I squeeze my eyes shut without realizing… But when I do I don't open them. Oh God, Oh God! He's gonna hit me, he's gonna do something to me. I know I deserve whatever pain he dishes out on me but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be scared. I mean Christ! Sasuke already scares me down to my bones, he doesn't have to do much to rile me up.

I was so scared of what I thought he would do to me, I almost missed what he actually did to me. They were soft, a little cool, and pressed against my lips. When my eyes shot open he had already backed away. He had a smirk on his face and I knew he was making fun of me for being so scared over nothing. Well, I wouldn't say nothing… Because that was definitely something, no matter how small.

My eyes blinked as I stared at him, and my mouth was slightly parted in surprise. No, surprise doesn't even begin to cover it. If I had been any less healthy than I am now, I would've had a heart attack. No joke. Sasuke kissing me wasn't even on the list of things I thought he would do. Though in the few seconds my heart stopped I made my resolve. The first real concrete resolve I've really ever made. He should be proud of me.

I take an instant to smile (God it feels good to do that again), "Fuck being right." Then I throw my arms around his neck. Of course he really doesn't understand what I mean by that, but I'll tell him later when we're a little less busy.

But now I know what I want…!

I want…!

He pulls his arms around my waist as I'm granted an entrance into his mouth. I actually relish the flutter of my heart as my tongue brushes against his. You would think that after dreaming and fantasizing about kissing him for so long that it would seem anticlimactic, yeah? Hell no. This is a hundred times better than anything my mind could have concocted. I'm sure of it.

I roll my tongue against his and feel a moan form in my throat. I don't bother with hiding it and let it pour into his mouth. I can feel his smirk but I really don't care. Just because I moaned first doesn't mean a damn thing, I hope he knows that. I begin to walk forward. I know the front door isn't too far from where we are and we need something to lean against. I press him against the door without breaking our kiss and put my hands on it on either side of his head.

I push my legs in between his and begin to grind. A slow groan rolls out of his mouth and into mine, and I move my hands to his thighs. He takes the incentive to wrap them around my waist as his hands snake up my torso. I rock my hips against his now that they are fully pressed against mine and we both moan into our breathless kiss.

I break the kiss for air and look into his now slightly glazed coal eyes. What did I say? Just because I moaned first doesn't mean anything. "Now what?" Comes past my lips in a pant. Dumb thing to ask, yeah, but I don't know if it's alright to take this any further.

He just smirks and adds a very cocky: "Hn."

Oh no, I should've never thought!

Another songfic for ya. Blahhh. x(