Fascination
I had always imagined my life to turn out differently from the way it is now, it is surprising how much the start of a sentence can explore a person's manner of thinking as well as their personal endeavors. Although the problems and situations which one faces can differ on the scale of importance, they remain substantial in the eye of the beholder.
You may not think these issues are worth mentioning to the public but I beg to differ seeing as each experience is emotionally worthy of speaking about if it is faced by someone who believes it to be significant.
Relationships I believe are rather overrated, what is this infatuation with 'love'? Call me insensitive but it tends to be the start of many problems within a relationship. Why can't people get the idea that 'love' is just a word when spoken out loud? Why does it have to generate such a great aura that surrounds it if it hasn't been expressed through words? Are actions not enough to show this? If I had never experienced this would I still remain the same person I was before just a little more naïve? Because even now when I'm in this experience, the euphoria you may have only lasts for a few seconds, the butterflies in the stomach are just a figment of my imagination and the feelings I have tend to be fleeting. Does it really matter if you are only in it for the present and not yet the future?
The talk of future is just not worth mentioning because you can neither choose what your path is, sure you might be able to tweak it a bit to go in your favored direction but must it be an issue that you pull others into?
To express these meanings into the form of literature becomes a constant struggle because not everything can be explained in words or appropriately written to the point where it won't agitate the other person. The difficulty with this is due to the time constraints one can experience as well as the amount of knowledge a person can have in these situations. I have not yet lived out my life to have the correct reference to be criticizing the inner workings of a mind, I have only experienced so much in the life I am in now and even then the amount of emotions which seep through this unforgiving soul is over spilling into a documented format. I have tried to avoid contacting this ebony keyboard but along with the songs that emit from these speakers, so do these petty words of remorse.
Misery floats relentlessly in this mind when it shouldn't, when people ask "How are you doing" the normal response is "I'm doing ok" mainly because you don't want a tirade of lectures that aim to promote that happy feeling deep inside and what you should be thankful for in this lifestyle. I am thankful for being raised by both my loving parents, for having friends that care so much for your wellbeing, and for the love of those who care the most which basically sums up the first two mentioned. But sometimes you wish to crawl into your shell of a person whom only you can converse to. Those walls which surround your soul that you wish no one else can see nor break down because there lies a person who you don't want anyone else to see, anyone else to pry into or worst of all anyone else to know but God and yourself. You may not be able to hide it that well in the presence of others but only you will know the truth.
Betrayal
It is in this world where one can actually realize there is no such thing as forever even when it is spoken or written. Although it may seem like an eternity due to the time that has elapsed the fact of the matter is that not one flitting emotion can stay true throughout the years which you fall from grace and crawl back to realize that there is in fact only a handful of people you can trust your life with.
Melodramatic as it may sound now, if one was faced with the same opposing situation with all the odds against you, one would still stay true to their faith and beliefs. It is in my belief that once something deceitful and treacherous happens to you, you would not go pawing through the ground hoping to find something pretentiously grateful about the act.
Arrays of contradicting excuses and explanations should just remain deaf to your ears because if an issue has happened once, there is no telling when it is bound to happen again. Better to just sever all ties with those who have the nerve to describe themselves as your companions. Petty and childish is what they would dare to call you but it is nothing compared to the amount of hurt and anguish you know they do not deserve.
It is a realization that those who do not speak their mind straight off end up just living life as though it is a lie. There is not enough time in life to be pondering over what is to be done and worrying about others sake because in the end, it is as quoted 'every man for themselves'. Of course the whole ideal situation of 'having one friend is not enough but having one enemy is one too many' but what is the dull point of having a bunch of insolent and arrogant people control how you resolutely feel?
There is none in my opinion.
Absence
You do not know if others see through the eyes which cannot repent or speak out from its silent cell. Almost afraid to be caught out and shunted as the one who spoke the inevitable truth as well as the slight possibility that you could be false in these accusations.
Those unexplained moments away from relative blood, but you know the exhilaration of remaining a secret. Of course, what else could you expect living a lie as you glide down those soul filled streets inhaling and holding captive the substance which more than half of society is addicted to? The limits remain tested as you are slowly inching closer to the edge of that knife which leaves you all but exposed if you take that leap.
Nearly all of those you call acquaintances and friends know of your habit yet the ones you long to keep it from are threatening to finally see you in another light, that which is tainted and raw. It is that same emotion that courses through your veins, much like the ones that adults tend to harbor when they are faced with an unbearable decision, knowing full well that nothing of a good nature could come from it.
Your mouth seals shut but you cannot help but let your mind take control of your emotions, wondering all those thoughts which teenagers your age should not be concerned about.
Entering unwelcome territory tends to be a specialty of your mind, constant scenarios stream through those ridges that make up your cerebral system. No pain forces its way into that which you can only describe physically as your nervous system but rudimentary literature would exemplify as your emotional side.
There are many themes of your life which have yet to be discovered under the most unworthiness of situations so you just bide your time that you have by yourself. For no one but the closest to you can intrude and surprisingly those who are considered to be bound by blood have yet to gain that access into that part of yourself.
So you leave those candles burning with the scent of a million aromas concocted into one wick, dreading and yet awaiting the day you are found suffocating in the realm of your own room.
Unwilling change
A flicker of a touch leaves your senses running wild, wondering how you landed yourself in such a predicament. Those aristocratic fingers close over your own, pushing away the company of others willing itself to be the only one in your life. The clasp is almost asphyxiating but also confusingly welcome as it draws you nearer to the warmth of a slender body.
The fingers entwine with your own, branding you with their flesh as the neon light dances meticulously across your form. The music pounds against your eardrums in a repetitive motion and some how you hear the whisper of breath as their hair tickles the sides of your neck, the head bent forward enclosing you in an embrace that neither words nor actions could explain. The air is thick with smoke and the heat of a thousand bodies but all you feel is him.
Tentative lips brush lightly against your own and when you pull away shocked, you realize this is just a dream, because only in a dream would you have the audacity to pull away from someone you have such overflowing feelings from.
You sit up in your bed, soft fingers touching the place on your lips where yours had momentarily met his, even if it was only a dream, it seemed much too real to be only a fantasy.
Annoyance
Is repetition the key for someone to have a grasp of what you are trying to tell them? Is the message not clear enough when a person eloquently describes how they seriously do not wish to be a part of this Godforsaken imbecilic life? I wish it would all end like a full stop, short and unemotionally. But every time this request is denied, which is every moment of every day, you feel a build up of rage and somehow realize that it is a dangerous emotion to harbor.
You always thought pain and angst were one of the worst but after experiencing such an increased annoyance which is multiplied to the power of infinity. You realize that you can make people hurt, physically and emotionally so that it crushes them. You realize that medically your core body temperature, heart rate, pupil constriction, auditory response and general ability to move is increased to a dramatic degree. Sometimes you wonder if you are really capable of such murderous intent, and why your mind projects these visions of horror as you stew in this heat.
Your fists slam against the wooden bench sending a pang through your system and a jolt to wake you from these thoughts. You believe you had it beat and then the phone rings in that repetitive motion. And once again you are repeating your words and your actions. How much more can you take of this torment before you really snap and commit an act of sin which when the time comes? You will not care about the consequences as long as the recipient is eliminated from your life for good.
Truth
Darkness should have engulfed you many eons ago once you skimmed over that decision, the unwilling change in emotions that made you reveal another side to this twisted personality. Are you that fraught from human compassion that you must latch onto any alteration that another sends your way?
Everyone remotely close to you has detailed all the despicable acts that would befall you, how emotions are merely an attitude which you yourself choose to accept, that you should ignore the cobblestoned path and pave a less detrimental one. But how can you help it? Why is it that every remaining choice you boil up end up being the one set for the worse?
When once spoken about in such light, is now leveled with pity and loathsome comments. It was you that brought about this change, there is no one else to blame. And it was these unchanging behaviors that made you resent the soul that you hold too close to your heart. Despite all the information provided from yourself, your peers and your family, how is it that you cannot escape these binds? Is there some irrevocable curse that has somehow implanted itself into this worthless brain that you are unable to break? Was there ever a chance in hell that a relationship this one-sided could ever work?
It seems to your broken self that it has and will always be the way things are. The truth hurts. But a lie hurts more. So when you have finally admitted this, was there any change in behavior?
No.
And at the time, it was fine by you.
However now that you think about it, there was a sense of pride which has been voluntarily snatched from you. Fragments of your quartered heart have been scattered across your body for all to see. There is no longer any self control. The chains have been tied and forever will you be a puppet.
An object of useless quality, ready to be abused.