Set after episode 405, so it contains spoilers. Beta read by crittab.
Annie wasn't exactly looking for Jeff. When Pierce recreated his 'Showtime at the Bennetts' routine after dinner and Jeff left, it was par for the course. Still, he usually would have come back by now with a few good zingers.
Right now, Annie just wanted to have a nice walk around campus and take stock of the day before going home. It was more than she could have done on an Edison Thanksgiving night, for certain.
So when she took her leave, she wasn't expecting or planning to find Jeff sitting by himself on the library steps. She wasn't planning to stand behind the library doors and watch him either. It just turned out that way.
His back was turned and Annie couldn't see his face, but she could tell he was looking unguarded for once. Annie couldn't help but wonder why that might be, yet it wasn't hard to figure out.
It was hard to ignore after he made a Greendale Thanksgiving dinner for his real chosen family. It was hard to ignore when he actually encouraged holiday sentiment and let the Dean slap his arm 1 1/2 times. He looked like a Jeff Winger Annie had never known before.
But that was after the heat of whatever moment he had with his father. Now that he had time to take stock of what he'd done, what he'd said and what he'd realized about himself, it must have finally been sinking in for him.
Just as it did for Annie when she realized what she'd lost by choosing rehab over her mother. Just as it did when everything she'd ever hoped to have from her real family shattered forever, with the subsequent awful Thanksgivings rubbing it in from there.
But Jeff hardly looked that shattered tonight. Right?
So much of Annie wanted to find out, yet so much of her scolded herself for it. Just as the scolding won out, Jeff turned his head.
Annie gasped but couldn't bring herself to hide. If Jeff was going to scold her for intruding on such a private, personal moment, she might as well face the music. Yet he wasn't moving his face or lips.
He was just staring at Annie as if he wasn't mad. Like she wasn't another meddling Britta. Then again, maybe that wasn't the worst thing to be tonight.
Annie then remembered that someone had to break their little staring contest. She did it by opening the door and making her way to sit next to Jeff. Beyond that, she had no idea what to do.
She looked at Jeff's face and how it was devoid of snark, indifference or basic Winger cool. It was just plain and curious and almost….open.
Annie couldn't bring herself to look at it. Instead, she stared straight ahead out into the campus. It was all she could do before she started asking things she probably had no right to know.
Like what the hell happened at Papa Winger and Half-Brother Winger's place? What the hell had Jeff said to them? How the hell had Britta interfered? How many more lines had she crossed and how the hell did it actually work out?
It took everything Annie had not to ask questions like that at the study room yesterday. It took everything she had not to pull Jeff aside afterwards and ask him privately. It took everything not to pull Britta aside and tell her not to pull her usual crap on him – not with something this big. And it took everything not to think about him during the Bennett prison break saga. More than four times, anyway.
Annie wished so much that she could have been there for him. And not just because it was Jeff.
But that was the very reason she knew she couldn't have been there for him.
She understood exactly what Jeff was feeling and going through, having lived enough of it herself. Her parents didn't abandon her for 25 years, but the way they failed her was just as terrible. Even seeing them nowadays usually just made things worse.
That was why she knew the last thing Jeff wanted to do was talk about it. Why the last thing he wanted was to be pressured and pestered into it, especially by Britta.
No matter what, Annie swore she was not going to Britta Jeff. Not on this. Especially not on this.
But what if Britta'ing had been a good thing for the first time ever? The proof was in the dinner and the smiling and the shared silence right now. What if taking Britta's lead on facing these painful, private problems had become okay while Annie was in Bennett jail?
Yet Annie knew it didn't matter. She still had no right to pressure him any further than he'd already been. After a day like this, he didn't deserve that.
But she couldn't ignore Jeff's silence. She couldn't ignore how he had no comments or jokes or anything for her. She certainly couldn't ignore him breaking the silence with a small, audible sigh right now.
She couldn't ignore how she knew no matter how much progress he made today, it still hurt. How even standing up to awful parents at long last could hurt like hell, no matter how much good it did. How shattering the final illusion of having a real, normal family someday was freeing, but still gut-wrenching. Even for a man like Jeff.
Annie wanted to share how she knew that. Maybe he'd even listen now. But then maybe she'd just make it all about her, like Britta usually did.
As much as Annie knew Britta really, truly wanted to help, she still hated her tactics on this issue and on this man. As much as those tactics might have worked anyway, Annie didn't want to use them and let the ends justify the means.
She'd done that too much over the years and would never forgive herself for doing it here. That logically meant she should have walked away and left Jeff alone.
But Annie didn't want Jeff to feel alone right now. She just didn't know how to do it without meddling or pressuring him.
In spite of that, she wasn't meddling or pressuring him now. She wasn't even talking to him. She was just keeping him company and not making him do anything.
Maybe Annie had stumbled onto the right idea without really knowing it. Maybe she was Britta after all.
So instead of making Jeff talk, Annie merely placed her hand on his forearm. It was meant to be a soothing touch to tell him she was here, but he didn't have to say anything. Just being here and doing everything he had done today was enough.
He didn't have anything to say back, but Annie took it as a good sign. Nevertheless, she wasn't ready to look at him and confirm it. If she looked at him and analyzed him further, who knew what inappropriate questions she'd ask? It was best to keep her hands and face where they were and just look up at the stars.
Annie did this for a few moments until she heard Jeff sigh quietly again. Either everything was still sinking in, or she really was annoying him after all.
She couldn't know what it was until she looked or talked to him, but she didn't know the best way to do any of those things. Not that she ever really knew how to do them with Jeff under normal circumstances. Maybe that was all the more reason to leave now.
But she could do this. She knew she could. If anyone could, it was Annie.
Jeff's daddy issues had mainly been brought out by Pierce and Britta – the two worst examples possible. Britta had "therapized" him on this, yet she didn't have parents who abandoned her or cut her out when she needed them the most. Pierce had been Jeff's cautionary tale, but he never got to break free from his father himself, outside of a video game.
Annie was a far more positive example of overcoming rotten parents than Pierce was. It made her far more willing to deal with those issues the right way than Britta was. So why couldn't Jeff have come to her instead?
"He didn't want to come to anyone. It wasn't just you, genius," her inner voice reminded.
Then why didn't Annie come forward herself and tell Pierce and Britta to back off? Maybe then Jeff would have opened up to Annie and they could have found a better, more sensitive way to help him.
"But the insensitive way worked in the end. Is it still a bad way because you didn't think of it?" Inner Annie wondered.
Of course it wasn't, but Jeff deserved to have an easier time of it. He had to know Annie would have tried to find one if she had the chance. He had to know she knew too much about awful parents to steamroll him like Pierce and Britta.
"Did he know? How much does he or anyone else know about Mommy and Daddy Dearest? Honestly, I can't remember," Inner Annie admitted.
Okay, she had her there. But if Jeff did know enough about what happened to Annie, it made it more puzzling he wouldn't think of coming to her. He had to know she knew better than to force him on it for her own purposes.
"Is that really what you're making him think by being here right now?" Inner Annie questioned.
Probably not. But if he had come to her about this earlier, or if she had gone to him, it wouldn't have been like that.
She'd lived through abandonment almost as painfully as Jeff had, and came through the other side long before today. If Jeff knew that, he had to know he could have come to her and not been judged, hassled or shamed into doing anything.
She would have kept his secrets if he wanted her to, she would have kept the Dean, Pierce and Britta at bay, and she would have kept her distance while letting him know she was still there for him.
Didn't Jeff know her enough – trust her enough – to know she could do that?
"Could you? Wouldn't it have brought back too many memories of your own parents? Or of how no one you knew did that stuff for you years ago?" Inner Annie reminded. "Can you really say remembering that wouldn't tear you up inside and make you no help to anyone? Like it's tearing you up right now? Wouldn't that make you as selfish to still 'help' him as Britta makes herself look with her antics?"
Inner Annie had her there on all counts.
But it shouldn't tear her up like that. Not now, anyway. Not years after she overcame the absolute worst time of her life. She was so much weaker and less evolved than she was now, and she still got herself clean and started over on her own anyway.
That gave Annie the strength to overcome anything. It made her want to make sure no one else suffered like she did. It would have made her willing to face any painful memories, if it could have helped her make Jeff feel any better.
Jeff may have wanted to spare Annie from going through that anyway. After all, he couldn't deal with his issues while worrying about hers as well. On that note, hypothetical Jeff had a real point.
But Annie would have faced that for him. He was worth it to her. Didn't he know he was worth it to her?
Didn't he think he was worth it at all?
Somehow, this made Annie finally look at Jeff's face. As it turned out, he was already looking at hers.
He looked so open. So confused. Like for the first time ever, he had no idea what to say. Before long, it was almost like he couldn't look at her.
It was like if he kept looking at her long enough, Annie would know he was broken.
In a way, she already knew he was. But he was no more broken than she was. He deserved to know that, but he didn't deserve to have it turn into a big spectacle.
So Annie broke eye contact with Jeff before he could, while lowering her hand from his forearm to his wrist. She grasped it gently and softly, hoping that this touch would help him feel a little better.
It would tell him that even if he felt broken, overwhelmed and at a loss, she was still here to do whatever he needed. Even go away if he wanted her to. He should have told her to leave him alone already, but he was still quiet.
Maybe he was trying to be nice and not fight with her, on top of everything else he'd endured. Yet nothing in his body language or his face suggested that this was the case.
Until he said or did something otherwise, Annie didn't want to leave him, but she wouldn't break the silence either. With that, Annie went back to looking at the stars, her hand still on Jeff's wrist the whole time.
After a few moments, however, she felt him slip away from her grasp. She was barely surprised and was just about ready to plan her escape. At least until Annie felt his hand covering hers.
She looked down in time to see Jeff fitting her hand into his own. She forced herself not to look at him, knowing she'd start talking and ruin the moment if she did. Seeing them holding hands barely helped her restraint.
Annie took a few deep breaths to regain her sense of peace, leaving her more curious than anxious at seeing her tiny hand in Jeff's large palm. His warmth coursed through her body, in a way that none of their touches or kisses had done before.
There was no romantic anxiety, daydreaming or nervousness involved in this touch. It was just soothing and comforting. Intimate in a way Annie had never experienced with Jeff, or maybe with anyone. They weren't even looking at each other, and yet she could feel them telling each other so much.
Well, that's what Annie felt anyway. She couldn't just assume Jeff felt it too. That kind of thinking never worked out.
Yet Annie couldn't help but hear how Jeff was breathing now. It sounded slightly faster and more shallow than usual. How could that be?
Because this was truly uncharted territory for Jeff.
Annie doubted he'd been in this moment with anyone before. To have it come after what he'd been through today must have been even more overwhelming.
Jeff knew why Annie was trying to comfort him, because how could he not by now? He also had to know it was killing her not to say anything, because how could he not know her that well by now?
He had to know how she was fighting every natural instinct she had so he'd be comfortable. And he had to know how meaningful it was for her to do that. For the first time in years – maybe his whole life – someone was helping him through his daddy issues without making him feel defensive, pressured, hostile or scared in any way.
The concept was so foreign that Jeff must not have known what to do with it. Hence the heavier breathing – and maybe the tiny sound of a sniffle – that Annie heard now. Not to mention the feeling of his hand weakening its grip on hers.
None of that would do at all.
Annie closed her eyes, held Jeff's hand tighter and recalled all her great moments of strength. Like the immediate aftermath of defying her mother, putting her bottle of Adderall down for the last time, and every incredible feat, friendship and moment of growth ever since.
She wanted to transfer all that strength and power over to Jeff right now. Her logical mind knew that this was kind of impossible, but for once, logic wouldn't enter into things. She just wanted Jeff to feel. She wanted her strength to be his own, so that he'd know how valuable it really was.
Without strength like that, Annie wouldn't be here right now – whether it was due to her being an Ivy League drone or something far worse. Either way, she wouldn't have finally learned to like who she was and who she wanted to become.
She wouldn't have real friends. She wouldn't have had the first real family Thanksgiving of her life today. She wouldn't have had her real family.
She wouldn't have had Jeff.
This made her squeeze his hand even harder until it actually started to hurt him.
Jeff winced and had to break away, shaking his hand as Annie's breath caught up. She wanted to say sorry, but worried it would make it worse. Besides, not talking had done more good so far.
Annie waited for Jeff to rest his hand again, then placed her hand back on top of it and tried to rub it better. She stroked her thumb over his skin slowly, hoping it was nursing his hand back to health. He wasn't pulling it away, breathing heavily or telling her to stop, so it must have somewhat helped.
Eventually, Annie stopped and was content to leave her hand on his. She kept her gaze there for several moments, waiting for Jeff to make the next move. He came through by pulling his hand away, only to once again put her hand in his palm and thread their fingers together this time.
Annie bit back a smile and squeezed his hand as gently as she could. She then looked away and was content to stare up at the night sky again. She could almost sense Jeff doing the same thing, losing himself in the rare peace and quiet just like she was.
It was only natural that Annie felt small right now, staring up at the big sky in this quiet solitude. Yet thinking that way made her remember she didn't feel that small.
Not as small as she felt when her father left home. Or when her mother wouldn't let her do anything but study. Or when Annie saw just how low a priority her health and happiness was to her mother at the hospital. Or when she faced her family in every Thanksgiving since then.
These were the memories that Jeff's parental issues were bringing up for her. As Annie feared, it wasn't making her feel that well. Especially since Jeff was more stunted and abandoned than she was, yet did more to face it head on today than she had since rehab.
To think she thought she was better at this family stuff than Pierce, or even Britta. At least Pierce was living with a biological family member. And Britta's family never thought her past mistakes were that shameful.
Annie overcame so much because she stood up to family and found something better. But the cost of doing so still hurt. It would probably hurt in some way for the rest of her life. It would have hurt worse if she never went to Shirley's today.
Yet just as she heard herself sniffle and breathe heavily, she felt pressure on her hand. She felt Jeff squeezing her hand just as she had done for him. Of course he wouldn't squeeze her hand that tightly, but it was still strong enough.
It set her mind at ease like she had tried to do for him. It meant so much from someone who would hurt in some way for the rest of his life as well, no matter what progress he had made and would make in the future. Annie knew that and maybe Jeff was starting to see it as well.
Yet he was still here. He was still a person who could comfort a friend and keep her from drowning in the pain they both shared.
They'd already beaten so much of the pain individually and with other people. But together, in this moment with their hands connected, it almost felt like it didn't exist. It was the rarest feeling either of them had ever felt.
Jeff and Annie didn't tell each other that with words. They shared it in the way their hands rested together, how one tightened its grip on the other whenever it weakened, and in how neither felt anything but contentment in doing so and staring at the sky together.
However, they could only do this without talking for so long. Eventually, they'd either have to talk or go back inside to finish things with the group. Jeff made the call by letting go of Annie's hand, then got to his feet and offered his hand again to help her up.
Annie took it and got up with no hesitation, but felt the awkwardness creep in afterwards. She was staring at Jeff's chest, still unsure if looking right at him would spoil the mood. However, it would be spoiled anyway if she didn't find the right way to end this.
There was still so much to say, but Annie felt words would cheapen it and go against what made this so special. They had communicated so much through hand holding already. Maybe another kind of hold would say the rest, if she kept it short and sweet enough.
Annie carefully put her hands on Jeff's waist, waiting for him to stop her. When he didn't, she wrapped the rest of her arms around him and let herself hold on for just three seconds.
In that time, she squeezed Jeff gently to tell him everything she was thinking right now. Everything she wished to God that anyone she'd loved would have told her four years ago. Or today, for that matter.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. If you need any help with it, I'm right here. Even if you don't want to talk, I'll always be here.
You're not alone. As long as I'm in your life, you will never be alone.
That said just about enough, so Annie got ready to let go. But before she could, she felt a large hand on her back, followed by the rest of a large arm.
Jeff was only giving her a one-armed hug, yet it felt stronger and tighter than any hug she'd ever had – and not just physically. Annie closed her eyes and kept her arms around Jeff, losing herself to emotions more than she had all night.
It was so strong by the time she let Jeff go for real, she was inspired to let herself go.
She let herself go back in for one last big hug, which would only last one second. Yet she squeezed hard enough to convey one last important message.
I am deeply, ridiculously proud of you.
The hug broke a split second later, as Annie shook it off to see Jeff walking back to the library doors. She caught up and held the door open for him, while still not looking directly at him.
She didn't have to, however. After Jeff went back into the library, Annie realized all by herself that she said her final thought out loud. Obviously it was finally too much for Jeff to handle.
Annie knew there was a limit to how much Jeff could take, and she thought she had worked around it. But once again, she went too far and pushed too hard, and it made the end too awkward. Now his shields would go up again the rest of the weekend and it'd be like nothing ever happened by Monday.
Annie then said her first conscious word since going outside; "Shit."
At least there was a three day weekend ahead. That was more than enough time to brush through this latest, far too emotional moment between them. It gave Annie comfort as the night ended without another word with Jeff, and as she spent Friday at the apartment to rest.
But on Friday night, the silence was shattered when Annie got a text asking "Could you meet me for lunch tomorrow?"
All Annie needed to tell Jeff was, "Yes," and ask for the location.
16 hours after she got it, Annie found Jeff there with a table already reserved. They didn't greet each other when she sat down, but not out of coldness or awkwardness.
Just seeing Jeff there and being with him in this way, at this exact moment, was all Annie could have ever asked for. If he had anything else, she would let him give it to her however and whenever he wanted. And she would listen, accept and take in whatever he was ready to give her.
Jeff began to give it to her right after they ordered from the menu. By the time they finished an early dinner, he had told her everything.
By the time the weekend was over, Annie wound up telling Jeff everything herself.
And by the time Christmas was over, they managed to tell each other everything else.