Dust fell from the fan in Rose's crowded room. Her eyes settled on the illuminated particles of dust drifting in front of the sliver of light in her curtains. She let her eyelids rest, and burrowed herself further into her bed.

It had been months since she lost the doctor. She hadn't done much since then, except remember everything about him, their adventures, and wish she didn't have the ability to breathe or exist. Her Mum, Peter, & Mickey frequently pressured her to eat, or even acknowledge what had happened.. But she couldn't move on. She didn't want to. The pain, the hole ripped through her chest was the only reminder she had that everything wasn't a dream. His face was seared onto her eyelids, its all she could ever see. It was poison, he was poison to her veins. The possibilities and things that could have been and would never be were paralyzing. She took in a broken, raggedy breath, and fumbled for her capsules. She took one into her mouth, then another. She forced them down her throat without liquid and closed her eyes. Waiting to not feel.

rose.. rose… listen.. hear my voice.

Rose woke up groggy, her tired, medicated form slumping against the headboard. She felt light, as if she were back in the tardis, drifting from star to planet. The medicine frequently diluted her thoughts and feelings. It was a proved side effect, but honestly it felt like something more to her. She used it every night, every day. That medicine was the only chance she could hear a whisper of his voice. She could almost feel his slender hand around hers, sometimes when she slept. Other times she could hear the sound of the Tardis' engine blaring in her ears. That was all she lived for, the moments when she could imagine him, in his tardis, in time and space.

rose. please

She rubbed her eyes, thinking the medicine still had hold on her, but it sounded so real. She wanted it to be real so badly. Her mum tapped on the door, and then entered her cluttered room. "Rose darling, I made tea.." She said sweetly. Her mom was pregnant, and too energetic for her age. She tried to smile, mostly for her mom. It was a failure, the smile was lopsided and empty. Her mom handed her the hot cuppa, and noticed Rose's capsules scattered all about her nightstand. "Would you like me to clean up your room? You could do with a make over, or we could get you some air?" Her mom rambled worriedly, picking up the narcotics with shaking hands. Once all the pills were in the bottle, her mum shook it, then read the label. Oh god, here we go again. "Rose, you've taken nearly the entire bottle!" Jackie nearly choked out. "I cant sleep" Rose said quietly, her voice sounding alien to her. "All you do is sleep, Rose please, come out we can get chips, and .. I dont know something more than this room" Jackie said, her own voice bobbing in her throat. It all annoyed Rose. How could she get up and act like nothing happened? When everything in the universe was still out there, he was still out there, and she was stuck here. "Mum, please.." Rose said tiredly, the fight that never ended.

"You talk in your sleep." Her mum mouthed quietly, as if she were afraid to talk. "Everynight, everyday.. The same thing, same words.." She said, as if she were the one in pain. Rose clenched her jaw, it wasn't possible for her mum to understand, for anyone to understand what she had, and what she lost. She didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to think about it, she wanted to go back. Take me back. "Drink your tea.. I'll be down stairs if you.." Her mum kissed her cheek and sniffled her way out to the hall.

Rose set the tea on the bedside table, and picked up her bottle of capsules. She emptied one out into her hand and rolled it softly between her palms.

rose.. rose dont take it.

She dropped the pill.. Was she going crazy? She was used to hearing his voice in her dreams, but never when she was awake.. and never so clear. As if he were in the room with her. Her heart sank, and her eyes scanned her dark room, her heart felt like it would rip apart. doctor? She asked, rolling her eyes at herself after a moment of silence. It was just her demented mind playing tricks on her. She wanted it so badly to be true she would hear anything. She ran her hand over her face and slowly eased her stiff body from her bed. She fumbled around her dark room until she reached her bathroom. She flicked the switch, and waited for her eyes to focus. In the mirror her eyes weren't staring back, but two brown eyes, with long lashes, and that piercing stare that she would remember even when she couldn't remember her own face. Her heart hurt in her chest, her breath got caught in her throat and her knees gave out.

rose