Hello everyone! I know I was supposed to release this yesterday, but I needed another day. However, this story has had a long time coming! This is a request by Cooldude. I'm going back to my roots of dark humor. Be excited, for this will be an exciting ride!
Chapter 1: Joyous Days Begin...Not!
Hello everyone. My name is Charlie Bucket. Most see me as a sweet and innocent boy in their eyes, but I don't really care when it comes to disappointing everyone. Being poor and eating cabbages has made me cynical and mad. But who can blame me? Have you ever eaten cabbage? It's bloody awful! Not even cabbage; cabbage water is what we eat! It's absolutely bloody worse than bloody cabbage. We might as well be eating a bowl filled with vanilla pudding, served with a side of extra large snot! Although, considering I live with people who don't have enough water to wash their hands, it happens more often than you think. Also, why is our house the only one with a bloody fault line? Who modeled our house: Oliver Twist? Our house is more slanted than American politics, and I don't even live there! Some genius in our family decided it would be a good idea for a poor family to live in a tundra, where it's bloody -35 degrees on a good day! Somehow in my terrible life of eating snot cabbage and living in the cold with a partial roof over our heads (mostly because we have a hole in the roof the size of a cavern opening), I've managed to find a golden ticket by finding money in the streets. I don't want to know where that money came from (probably a prostitute who gave a guy a back-alley snozzberry twist), but I found the ticket nonetheless. Now I get to enjoy spending the day looking inside a factory with a bunch of unpleasant and classless jackholes...and then there are the kids, who are worse.
First, we have Augustus Gloop. Man, he is the poster child for "Fat Kids United." He could stop a train by just sitting on the tracks. He leaves so much food on his face, it's a wonder if he ever actually gets the food down his used-up, fallen-apart digestive tract. Next, we have Veruca Salt. She's saltier than the nuts her father works with. She didn't earn her ticket; but there she was, parading it on television with that creepy serial killer smile. After that, we have Violet Beauregarde, who chews gum way too much. She chews like a crocodile, and she also has the most charming personality: if you consider someone who's borderline sociopathic charming. Too bad she can't use all her trophies to buy herself a persona that isn't incredulously obnoxious. Lastly, we have Mike Teavee, who proves me wrong when I say I'll never see someone more cynical than me. He has the brain of a supercomputer, but the mentality of a total jackass.
After all this, you're probably wondering how absolutely bloody horrible tomorrow will be. Well, I for one will think it will go just nicely. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, we're having dinner in a minute. It's cabbage water again. I hate cabbages. I sat at the table, and I'm mad because my cabbage water didn't get enough snot in it this time. Maybe I should sneeze in it.
That's the chapter! I actually borrowed the "I hate cabbages" thing from a fanfic I read a long time ago. So, how did I do when it came to being incredibly vile and humorous? By the way, if you want a hint at my next story, pay attention to the first letter in each chapter. Stay tuned for what happens next, and have a great day!