CHAPTER 1
Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us. –Brian Jacques, Taggerung
William F Cody fell in love, deeply and truly for the first time in his life, at the age of thirty-five, on a cold, wet Thanksgiving morning. He had arrived at Lou and Kid's place a day later than expected, after riding through storms for nearly a week. He walked into the kitchen to find all the women hard at work. Lou and Rachel stood at the stove, laughing together. Rebecca was feeding the baby bits of bread. Stella was cutting out biscuits on the tabletop.
When he entered, only Stella noticed him. She looked up from the biscuits, wiping her arm across her sweaty brow. When she saw that it was him, the wistful expression on her face gave way to a big, welcoming smile, and Cody felt his heart suddenly give a jolt that almost hurt, and before he knew it, he was spinning. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he'd started this journey long ago, this journey toward Stella, but now for the first time, he was forced to acknowledge it.
Just a few short months after her husband's death, Cody admitted to himself that he was, and perhaps always had been, fathoms deep in love with Stella Hickok.
Cody had been there on that long ago day when Jimmy had met Stella, and on their wedding day he'd been standing at Jimmy's side in that rickety courthouse in Ogallala. Throughout their too-short marriage Cody had been a constant visitor in their home, dropping in as often as he pleased, stopping by for dinner two or three nights a week, staying over when poker games dragged on into the night. He'd been witness to their flirtations, their arguments, their family jokes, and their tears. He'd brought a succession of young ladies to them, to give or withhold approval as they saw fit. He'd scouted with Jimmy and played piano for Stella. The three of them had been more than friends; they'd been family, a tight unit of three, together against the world.
And yet...
And yet, there were times when Cody found his gaze lingering just a little too long on the graceful curve of Stella's neck, nights when he dreamed restless dreams filled with her smile and the scent of her hair, shameful moments when he envied Jimmy not just his happy life, but the woman he got to share that life with. These were things Cody never spoke of, things he never even admitted to himself. After all, what kind of man envied his best friend his wife? No kind of man, that's who.
Over time, Cody got pretty good at pretending he didn't feel such things for Stella. He became a skillful actor. He was sure no one suspected a thing. Hell, if he never acknowledged such feelings to himself, how would anyone else ever guess?
Except that sometimes he would turn his gaze from Stella only to find Jimmy watching him, not accusingly, not jealously, but thoughtfully all the same. Jimmy was a smart man. Maybe he knew the things Cody could never say to himself.
Maybe Cody wasn't as good an actor as he thought.
He wasn't, however, acting one little bit the day of Jimmy's death. Even now it ranked as the worst day of Cody's life, and probably would forever after. He had never felt such heartbreak and despair, and it was all made so much worse by Stella's own devastation, which he had felt as keenly as his own. Jimmy—his friend, his partner, his brother. Gone. Dead. They had been boys together. They had worked together and fought together. They had grown up together. His loss left Cody bereft. Stella's grief left him helpless.
And so he had brought Stella back here, back to the family in Rock Creek. He had promised Jimmy once that he would care for Stella if the worst happened. She had no family of her own and Cody couldn't bear the thought of leaving her alone in some random small town. If he could've he would've kept her with him, but of course that was impossible. And anyway, Stella needed people around her, Jimmy's people especially.
It seemed to have been good for her. At first Cody thought that those months away from Stella might have been good for him too. He met a girl or two, certain as always that each was the one. He took it as proof that those feelings he most certainly did not have for Stella were waning, had perhaps faded altogether.
That first glance of Stella after so many months away, smiling at him over a messy tabletop, and Cody knew he had been mistaken.
Thanksgiving dinner was delightful and torturous at the same time. It was the first holiday he'd been able to spend with the family in nearly five years, and everyone was so happy to see him and so thrilled to all be together, that he couldn't stop smiling. There were Kid and Lou, kissing over the turkey, and Rachel sitting on Christopher's lap. There were Buck and Rebecca snuggling their baby between them. There were all the children, such miraculous combinations of their parents. There was Teaspoon, beaming like the proud patriarch he was. And then there was Stella, flushed and beautiful at his side, smiling softly as she passed him the sweet potatoes, the gold of her wedding ring sparkling at him in the lamplight.
When everyone had settled and plates were full, an expectant lull began to fall, until they were all quiet and staring expectantly at the head of the table. Teaspoon smiled back at them. "Before we enjoy this here meal these beautiful ladies have fixed up for us, how's about I say the blessing?"
One by one, the heads around the table bent and hands were clasped together. Even the babies fell silent as, in a deep, heartfelt voice, Teaspoon said, "Lord, on this day of thanksgiving we know that we have so much to be thankful for indeed. We are thankful for each bright face around this table, the old ones and the new. We are thankful for the roof over our heads and the bounty that lies before us. We're thankful for the clothes on our backs and the land that sustains us. We thank you for the love of family and friends, for the tears we share together and most especially the laughter too. And on this day of thanksgiving, O Lord, help us to remember these things we're thankful for, to remember how much we have, and to focus less on what we don't." There was a slight pause, and they all knew what was coming; the husky timber to Teaspoon's voice, the catch in it, betrayed what was next. "Please watch over those we've lost, dear Lord, our beloveds gone too soon-Ike. Noah. Jesse. Emma. And Jimmy." Teaspoon's voice nearly broke then, but he caught himself, drawing in a wet, shaky breath. "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen."
"Amen." The family's voices, young and old, followed in an untidy chorus. There were a few sniffles. The children watched Grandpa Teaspoon with respectful awe as they always did when they saw their unshakeable hero so moved.
Next to him, Cody felt Stella's body quiver ever so slightly, as if she were overwhelmed with emotion, or as if, perhaps, she was fighting back what emotion she felt. He watched her hands tremble as she lifted her fork from her plate. The fork was nearly to her mouth when she suddenly shook her head, as if shaking away a thought, and set it back down.
The table had become lively again. Even Teaspoon had brightened and was feeding the baby mashed potatoes from the tip of his finger. Everyone was busy. No one noticed Stella until she stood abruptly, pushing her chair back from the table with a loud scrape of wood on wood. She tossed her napkin onto the table and when she felt all eyes on her, she said haltingly, "Excuse me, I need some fresh air."
She was gone before anyone could protest, or ask questions, or offer concern. Rachel and Teaspoon both stood as if to follow her, but then Cody rose to his feet and looked at them, one hand reaching out to stop them. "I'll go," he said simply.
As he walked out the door, Cody glanced at the coat rack. Stella hadn't taken a coat and he wasn't sure which one was hers, so he grabbed his own instead, and walked out into the cold and still November evening.
She hadn't gone far, of course. It was too cold and it was getting dark. He found her leaning against the corral fence. The crunch of his boots on the frosty ground gave him away, and he knew she knew he was there, though she didn't turn around.
Cody saw that she was shivering already, and he knew it was from her grief as much as from the freezing night. She had her arms wrapped around her middle. Even in the moonlight he could see how hard she was clutching at her sides. Without a word he slipped his overcoat around her shoulders and stood next to her.
"You always did have a way with a dramatic exit," he said wryly.
He was rewarded with a laugh, albeit a small one. "Jimmy always brought it out in me," was all Stella said. Cody was gratified to see that she was sliding her arms into the sleeves of his coat and gathering it close around her.
"Y'all didn't fight much, but when you did, whoo boy." Cody shook his head.
"As I recall, you used to stick around for the really good ones," Stella retorted, some spirit coming back to her voice.
Cody laughed. "I couldn't help it. It was awful fun to watch Jimmy turn purple, and those eyes of yours practically give off sparks. It was some good entertainment. Anyway, y'all always made up pretty quick afterward."
"Thank goodness you didn't ever stick around for that," Stella teased. Then she whispered, "But you were there for the important things."
"I always will be," he promised. He stared at her, intent, eyes searching her sweet face for clues to what she might be thinking.
"I'm so glad you're here, Billy."
"You doin' all right, Stells?" Her tone worried him. He recalled her sad eyes when he'd come into the kitchen that afternoon.
Stella lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "I'm all right. Maybe a little restless from time to time, but all right mostly."
"Restless, huh? Life gettin' a little dull out here on the prairie, compared to our wild old days?"
They both laughed together, a comfortable, companionable laugh that spoke of their years of intimacy and friendship. Cody remembered how easy it always was to make Stella laugh, to laugh with her. And he remembered how the sound of their laughter had always before been accompanied by the sound of Jimmy's. It was a lonely thought.
Sighing, Cody rested his forearms against the corral fence and bowed his head. He was silent. He heard the crunch of Stella's footsteps and felt the heat of her body as she moved closer to him until she had pressed herself into his side. Then she lowered her head to rest on his shoulder, taking one of his hands in hers.
"Do you remember the Thanksgiving when I had that terrible cold?" she asked after a long pause.
"You mean the one where you accidentally used salt in the cranberry sauce instead of sugar?"
"I couldn't taste anything!" Stella protested.
"Yeah, and I guess you couldn't see anything either, huh? Like labels that say 'salt' and 'sugar' as plain as day."
Stella snickered. She lifted her head away so that she and Cody were looking at each other. They were both grinning. "And you didn't say a word, just kept shoveling it in and taking big gulps of milk, and then Jimmy took one bite and said—"
"'Dammit, woman, there are subtler ways of poisoning a man,'" supplied Cody.
They giggled.
"What about the first Thanksgiving you and Jimmy were married, when we got snowed in with that mouthy preacher and his snooty wife and their hellion children?"
Stella made a sound that was a cross between a groan and a laugh. "For ages afterward, Jimmy would bolt straight up in bed in the middle of the night and he'd turn to me and say, all terrified-like, 'I dreamed the Marriott children were after me.'"
Cody roared with laughter, and Stella sank her head back down onto his shoulder as she laughed too.
"We had some normal holidays too, as I recall," he said when he had sobered.
"We had some real good ones," she agreed. The sigh that rose from her body was deep and shuddering. "I miss him, Billy."
"Me too," he said finally.
Cody shivered in the bitter night air—as much from the feel of Stella against him as from the cold. Suddenly Stella's arm went around him, and she drew him closer to her and the warmth of her body. They stood like that for a long, long time. The minutes ticked by imperceptibly as they listened to the quiet of the night, feeling the cold burrow under their skin, smelling the crisp air. The world was so still and calm, if it hadn't been for the warm glow of the house behind them, Cody and Stella might've been utterly alone.
He didn't mind too much. If he had to be alone with anyone in the world, he would want it to be Stella.
Cody had planned his departure for the following Sunday morning. He knew he had to get an early start, so he said his goodbyes to the family the night before, instructing them not to make themselves miserable by getting up on a wet and drizzly morning just to see him off. Of course Stella and Lou didn't listen. When had they ever?
When Cody trudged downstairs at four-thirty that morning, he found them both bustling around Lou's kitchen, and the smells of coffee and bacon beginning to fill the air.
"Y'all are crazy," he complained, setting his things on the floor. "You could be sleeping right now, which I tell you for damn sure is what I'd rather be doing."
Practiced as they were in ignoring him, they both did so now, and continued to attend to the food and the coffee. "Sit down," barked Lou in a tone that brooked no nonsense.
Stella met Cody's gaze, one eyebrow lifted. "I'd listen to the woman if I were you, Billy."
Grumbling as he did so, Cody sank down into a chair and glared at the two women.
"Honestly, Lou, can you believe this? The man's got two women who love and care for him-"
"Two attractive women," Lou interrupted, still scrambling the eggs without missing a beat.
"Two attractive women who love and care for him," Stella continued smoothly, "tearing themselves out of their warm beds on a cold morning, at the unholy hour of four a.m., all to fix him a hot breakfast for a long journey, and instead of being grateful—"
"Instead of getting down on his knees and thanking the heavens," interrupted Lou.
"—he's moaning and groaning at us because we didn't do as we were told."
"Which was unlikely to begin with, Cody, and you ought to have known that from the start," added Lou, coming over to the table with the eggs. As she scraped them onto his plate, she said, "I guess you've been away too long, 'cause you don't seem to remember how things work in this family."
"We drew straws," Stella informed Cody, pouring his coffee. "Rachel wanted to help too, but we decided three of us making breakfast for one man was a little excessive."
Lou was adding bacon to his plate. "She wasn't too pleased about it either, let me tell you. After all, who knows when we'll get to see you again?"
"Ah hell, Lou, I told you I'll try to be home for Christmas."
"Christmas is less than four weeks away, Billy, don't you think it's possible to nail things down a little more by now?"
"And I'll remind you that it's been five years since you were here for Christmas," Lou said as both women slid into chairs and began to level their gazes at him. "My children keep asking when Uncle Cody's going to deliver his presents in person instead of by mail."
"Buck and Rebecca's baby doesn't even know you yet," said Stella.
Cody swallowed his mouthful of food and shook his head appreciatively. "Mmm, mmm, bacon and eggs with a heapin' helpin' of guilt. Sure does start the day off right." Both women were still staring at him, unrelenting. Cody heaved a sigh and threw his hands up. "All right, all right. Uncle. I give up. I'll be here for Christmas."
Lou squealed in delight, and probably victory, and jumped up to throw her arms around Cody's neck. Stella just beamed at him. After that, breakfast was a relatively peaceful affair.
By the time Cody had his horse saddled and ready to go, Lou and Stella were bundled up and waiting for him on the porch. There was a melancholy sort of look on Stella's face. Lou just looked resigned.
"You could always come home for good, and still have your travels, you know," Lou said as he walked the horse up to the porch.
"We wouldn't mind havin' you around on a more frequent basis," agreed Stella, reaching out to pat the horse's neck. She smiled at him. "It's like old times, kinda like havin' a piece of Jimmy again."
Cody felt like a traitor to Jimmy's memory, but Stella's words didn't exactly fill him with pleasure. He missed Jimmy every day of his life, but pretending it was old times wasn't going to do either of them any good. They needed to move on. And, deep down inside where he refused to admit it to himself, he didn't really like the idea that his prime attraction to Stella was reminding her of her husband.
But then she said, "And I miss you when you're not here, Billy, and mostly you're not here."
A trickle of warmth spread through him at that, but all he said was, "You girls are relentless. I already said I'd be back for Christmas, didn't I?"
"We're gonna hold you to it," warned Lou, hugging Cody. "Now I'm gettin' on out of this rain." She grabbed his head in both of her hands and looked at him intently. "We love you," she said firmly. Then she turned on her heel and headed back onto the porch.
Though the rain was soft and slow, Cody could feel the temperature quickly dropping. "You oughta head in too, you'll catch a cold out here," he said.
Stella shrugged. "I'll be all right, I'm tough."
"Yes, you are," Cody said softly, putting a hand to her shoulder.
She smiled at him. "Smooth talker."
"You take care of yourself, Stella, you hear me?"
"You too, Billy."
"I'll see you at Christmas."
"You better."
Cody opened his arms and Stella came to him. They hugged each other for a long time. He could tell she was crying, though he heard nothing. The fine trembling of her body gave her away, so Cody just held her tighter, his heart breaking for her.
"You're gonna be all right, Stells. This first year is the roughest, for all of us, but especially you. You'll get by."
"D'you think I'll ever be happy again?" she asked, her voice breaking, muffled against his chest.
"I'm sure of it," he promised.
Stella drew back, gazing at him with a tear-stained face. She wiped roughly at her eyes and tried to smile at him. "And what about you? When will you be happy again?"
"Ah hell, Stella, I ain't too worried about me. It's you I'm worried about."
"Don't be. I'm fine, I promise. Just...just come back soon, all right?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "And try to find yourself someone in the meantime. A real woman, too, not one of these doe-eyed floozies you seem so fond of."
Cody laughed at her description. He squeezed her a little tighter in his arms, murmuring against her hair, "'Doe-eyed floozies.' I sure do love you, Stella Hickok." He tried to ignore the way the words twisted his heart. He felt like a liar. He was a liar, pretending he meant 'love' the way he meant it for Rachel or Lou. He was a liar, and a traitor to boot. Jimmy had been gone less than a year and here Cody was, savoring the feel of Stella in his arms.
"I love you too, Billy." Stella stood on her toes to brush a kiss to Cody's cheek. "You take care of yourself."
"I will, and you do the same. I'll be back for Christmas, and if you need me before that, I'll—well, I'll come back then." Lifting himself into the saddle, he looked down at her, trying for his old rakish smile but not entirely succeeding. He looked over at Lou, who watched from the porch, a peculiar expression on her face as she assessed him.
"See you at Christmas," he said. Then he pressed his heels into the horse's sides and tipped his hat first to Stella and then to Lou. "Ladies."
Toward the edge of Kid's property Cody urged the palomino into a brisk trot, and as he rode away, over the steady beat of his horse's hooves and the sad howl of the wind, he could still hear Stella's voice calling goodbye.
to be continued...