Sometimes
by allez venez milord

An age has passed and yet here they stand.

He's apologizing but she doesn't really remember why. He's desperate though, so she allows him to go on. He speaks and speaks and speaks –

Sometimes she'd like to go and never come back. Things have changed and here they stand, both the same children they once were but not. They aren't children anymore, this she should know. The sound of his voice is so comforting, so she lets him continue his incessant, unending, dramatic speech. He can't know she doesn't care if he apologizes or not, he never really could read her as well as... No, don't think about him, it will only do you more harm.

Maybe he isn't apologizing but just telling her about his trip.

Trips she calls them, those long winded trips they both have grown accustomed to in the name of a phoenix. He went on a trip.

He isn't apologizing; he's not the one who has to apologize.

Sometimes she wants to go and live a happy life. She loves him and his comforting voice and his dramatic speeches. Then again, she hates the deaths and curses and that excuse of a man who slithers and threatens and no one dares speak his name and she knows that if he hissed instead of word his orders, he'd be a snake and nothing more. Maybe he hisses. He's a snake that has curled itself around them and smothers them slowly, their lives and all they once were is gone now. They can't do anything about it.

She hates the snake for hissing at his mind and taking him away from her, from what they could have been, were, and had. She hates the snake.

He now stopped his blabber and silence muffles her thoughts. She wants to tell him to go on and keep talking. I don't care what you say, not now. I normally care, but not today. I can't bring myself to care, it's too much effort, James. It's too much. I'm tired. I'm so tired and I want to go home.

Home – that word hadn't crossed her mind for a while.

I miss him, James. I love you, but I miss him and I want to go home. Please take me home.

I'm so tired.

But he doesn't hear any of this, maybe she doesn't either. A kiss on the cheek and a swift don't fret too much, Lily, and he's gone to bed.

Sometimes she wants to go and let the snake get her. She's not of any particular interest, maybe his followers would do her the favour. Get caught in the crossfire. Be cursed. Let her name be part of the endless list of martyrs and victims. Oh, poor Lily, she's dead. But what about him? He'd be lost without her and she loves him too much to put him through that. He needs her. It feels good to be needed, she'd forgotten how it felt.

She's already let someone else be lost. He had needed her too, maybe more than her husband did.

He is strong, though. Strong and taciturn and his opinions, his actions are so wrong.

Sometimes she wants to go back and change his mind. How good it would be. How good they would be, could be, had been. What if she had tried more? Forgave him? Where is he now? She missed him and his voice and his eyes and his smell. Nothing can be done, stop thinking about him, you're only harming yourself. Nothing will ever be different and that's the end of that. Upstairs James called for her come to bed, Lily, everything will be alright.

She loves her husband so much.

He's a good man. She does not know what happened or who's to blame, but he changed and she loves him for that. James is so good, so brave.

Sometimes she wants to go away, escape, and find him. Demand that he turn away from that path he's chosen, if he loves her so. She wants to live and love, kiss, touch him – her best friend. She can never bring herself to it. She knows she'd find herself thinking of coming back, of being forgiven by an unknowing and brave and caring James. He was proud, but not as proud as him.

Sometimes she loves Severus – only sometimes, some days. She thinks too much.

Severus – that word hadn't crossed her mind for a while.

Severus,

Severus,

Severus.

What would it be like to speak it?

"Severus."

Severus. Sev.

There, you said it. Are you happy now? Does it feel good, that knot in your throat? Yes, it feels good, because just before it was there I was that little girl in the playground again. Just for a second. I was that little girl in the playground discovering she was a witch. I had a best friend and there was no such thing as a snake tearing us apart. Just for a second.

Today she loved him.

But upstairs James was calling again.

Thank you for reading this spur-of-the-moment ficlet. I hope you enjoyed.