Gumball Vs Satan
Chapter 1: The Newcomer
Beginning AN:
This is an intentionally badly written fan fic, don't even try to take it seriously. Just read it as if it were a joke I guess?
Any similarities to another fan fic are coincidental. And I do mean that more than I usually do when it comes to SBIG: The previous installments kinda tended to make a few lighthearted cliche parodies, this one doesn't for now ("now" refering to the two chapters in one update here) and doesn't plan on it later.
This is rated T for swearing, mild (but very badly described) violence, and maybe some perverted humor.
The below is a disclaimer that I've decided to add to these without giving the summary itself much of a lookover first. Please forgive me if it is redundant with this opening AN, I kind of got sloppy with this and I want to make sure that the pseudo-series is clear:
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
Mr Omarn Scratch who was the badguy of this fan fic was playing poke with his poker buddies: Shits (he does all the dirty work; he's a salt monster that looks like Problem Sluth) and Giggels (he's no laughing matter; he looks like a green corcidiel who's art style is in the same as Problem Solverz) when the lite bulb burn out.
"Aw snap!" Shouted Giggles. Not to be confused with Happy Tree Frends Giggles the squirrel.
"Don worry" said Omarn, "I'll change bulb"
He got ladder, but there was a missing sixth step! He fell through it!
"Ah!" Omarn shouted as he fell into the floor. Then he got angry. "Shits," he said. "You doi all the dirty work. You change it."
But then the game thing happened! Shits fell to the floor!
"Ow! This ladder is broken! That meens there's a problem with it!"
"Giggles?"
"No way man. That latter is cursed. Its like Rolf from Ed Edd n Eddy did his 'from another country' magic on it."
Omarn looke at it. "Hrm... I now my daughtor can sort things out. Elisa!"
Elisa was ther and she looked pretty. Elisa and Omarn where humen looking thingys.
"Hrm it seems that the problemo is a gap in the ladder."
"What should we use?"
"Well we moved to Elmore so I can go to the middle school as a transfer to see what we have... availble... HA HA HA HA HA! I meant that to be evil."
(Waterson house)
"Hey" said the Nicole of the family, "I heard that there's a new peeople moving in let's check out."
"No" said Anais who's like Lisa Simpson but better. "What if they're Nazis."
"Oh, yikes your right. We should bring katanas just in case they're Nazis."
"Nazis?" Said Gumball with disgust. "I hate these guys!"
Then Nicole Gumball Anais and Darwin left, but Richard appeard at top of stairs!
"I can't wait to be a useless peice of shit all dsay and wach all this TV."
But then he steped on stairs, and got blown up by a landmmine! Hay! Who put that there?
(Srach House)
Door knock.
"Hi hello." Said Omarn.
"Good afternoon homie." said Nicol because she was hip and modern like that. "You must be new person who moved in."
"Yes I am" said Omarn "And I am not evil in any way whatsovever."
Then Elisa walked out.
"Oh, hey new girl" said Gumball. "Your pretty. Will you go out with me to the Jr High Prom?"
"Yes mabey." She tilted head and thinks. "But look I only date peopols who'se tibia bone can fit into the missing sixth step of the ladder in my house. Hold on let me measure."
"Ok"
Then she got out ruler and mesasured.
"Ok, I'll go out with you."
"I was originaly goig to ask my crush Penny but your prettier and manlier, and I'm into the manlier type because I am half yaoi."
Then Anasis, "Hey Gumball you don't reelise that they are going to kill you and use your bone to fix ther ladder?"
"How can a prety persin be so mean? Name one evil pretty girl."
"Hether and Courtney from Total Drama Revenge of the Island."
"That's too girls not one so I' won't lissen to you anymore." Oh Gumball, that stupidity will get you killed someday!
Then they went to homes now. Anais looked at the camera in a ticked off look, because too much of the stupidity of the show is from Gumball and not enough smart.
(School)
In between clases Gumball went to locker.
"I'm in love now!" He told to Darwin.
"WHAT IS THIS A CHICK FLICK?" Then Darwin slammed his locker and went to class, but forgot to books!
"Darwin you forgot to bring books!" Then Penny went up to Gumball and asked qwuestion.
"Is ther the problem with Darwin he's acting like it's the time of the month for him."
"I don't know, I think I should be a spy to him and see what's wrong because frends don't just ignore when someone sudenly gets angry to romance he's always the one to like romance."
"Hi Gumall." It wsas transfer student Elisa!
"Speeking of spys..." Said Peenny, "Say Gumball I think the new girl is being your crush instead of mine and I am getting jelous so I'm going to spy on her then."
"Ok just dnot get yourself killed I think her father works for the hell. So yeah. Big thing to be afraid of."
Then Gumball wocked to class when he saw Tina in the way.
"Oh hey Gumball. I was overhear that your frends with Elisa." Said Tina. "Nice shoes."
"Why are you acting nice to me now?"
"Because Elisa has SATANIC POWERS and so I'm also her frend and her father is Satan the ghost. THE UNHOLY GHOST."
"Oh um gulp."
"I treet you with respect now but if you mess with Elisa I'll mess with you. Twice." Then she stomped away, laughfing like Bowser.
"YikeS!" Gumball shoutd. "I have gotten myself in a highschool pickle today! And I'm in the middle school! That's some deep shit!"
Meanwile, in counseling center, creepy music played as Mr Small was to answer to fone.
"Hello there?" He asked.
On the other line, Devil voice!
"This is not a warning. I called you to warn you about that we want a surgery to get rid of Gumball Waterson's tibia."
"Ew that's perverted."
"Tibia is your leg bone."
"O ok then. Why did you call me and not Mr Brown the princible?"
"Because I know he wouldn't want to perform school surgery at all never. Now, in five minites one of my poker frends is going to drop a needle full of cat tranquilizer over ther. His name is Shists, because he does all the dirty work."
Then, door nocked! Small was scared as all heck!
He opened it and Shits was smoking three cigars at oncve because being a mob is all about smoking as much as possible, also it shows he's evil because smoking KILS.
"HAY! NO MOCKING IN SKOOL!"
"Eh... wher mafia mob nazis. Eh... We don't give two carps about pubic health saftey."
"oh BTW I'm a cloud man I can rain and put those out."
"Yeah but I'm a salt man I can dry you up if you don't take this needel. ALSO YOU'RE NOT CLOUD! YOU JUST FLEEPING CLOTH OR SOMETHING! FAKER!"
Then handed over needle to Small.
"I want you to go Dexter Morgan on Gumball."
"BUT WHAT IF I DO NOT WANT TO? IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I STAND FOR!"
"Er..." Shit's eyes looked back and forth. "Er..., we have'nt thought that through."
Then he grabed needle and insted of knocking out Gumball he knocked out Shits and called the police.
(Omarn's House)
"U oh" said Giggles. "I tapped into phone wire. Mr Small is calling the police eh."
"bad..." evily chanted Omarn, opposite of saying "good". "We need a new plan."
Elisa came up with plan. "We must use the war."
(School)
Suddenly there was a knock at the door and nobody ansered because there was class so then the people knocking BUSTSED IT DOWN and it was men in militant uniforms!
"Hey we come to war now so everone hide or else you will die."
Then the evil guys started shootin,g and using nukes but there was nobody to shoot at! Instead the shots were a warning over to Mr Brosn, who announced on PA "Attention students were now at war it's every man and women for themselfs now either get a gun or run your for lives."
Ms Simins class was ending early because of the war at schol so Darwin didn't get screwed over because he didn't books.
Then the defense army came but they only consisted of nine school staff who were redshirts. Most of the redshirts but one were killed by the evil army, the one who didn't had his giant anti-bullet shieled shot away and his bazooka thingy was also shot to smithereens. Redshirt who was alive ran up to where the Small was looking at Shits body tranquilized.
"This the bad guy right?"
"I think." Then he entered fylosofy. "Therfore I am."
"Ok cool story bro. Now I can kill the badguy for you."
Redshirt shot Shits but Shits got up and since he was made of salt it dint work against him at all!
"I thought you was the sleep." Said Mr Small.
"Yeah since I',m made of Salt everything runs thru me faster."
"Oh, cool."
"No its not. most of the time."
"Wy not?"
"DIAREAH!"
And then Shits shot Mr Small, and thus the first of many deaths insued.
(Hay this fan fic is ultimatly written by Gret Pikmin Fan what do you expect everyone to live?)
Then Shits looked at the camera screen, and he ment buisness!
"Er... Red shirt!" Shoted Shits.
"WHAAAA."
"Er... Brrring me Gumball Waterson!"
"But I'm a good guy!"
"Hey! I stronger then you! Bring him to me or I will END you!"
(Roof)
Gumball was standing there and he was nervous because Darwin was never seen again after his "CHICK FLICK "outburst and Gumball also never saws Anaias.
Suddenly, Carrie flew through the floor and spoke in a mysterious accent.
"Gumball this is time of dire needs I want to be your guide."
"I am not a necrophiliac."
"That's not what I meen I maen I want to assist you."
"Nah."
"TOO BAD. I GIVE YOUR ADVICE, AND YOU LISSEN. YOU CANNOT UNLISSEN TO ADVICE!" Carrier was a fan of Futurama and so was Gumball and so was everyone so after that comment Gumball litened up.
"Ok I'll be guided. What's first."
"First: Guns. Ask Bobert since he's like the f'ing Terminator. Also, beware of WIDNOWS."
So then he went down the roof door and down stairs and into classrooms to double check if he missed anyone there and he saw FBLEEPING WINDOWS RIGHT THERE.
He took step cautionally and then sudenly tripped like in Super Smash Bros and tumblred all over the floor and flew out the window.
Unluckly, Shits had stolen a portal gun and used it to make portals from the opening of windows to floor to make Gumball fall in a loop!
"I WARNED YOU ABOUT WINDOWS BRO!" Shouted Carrie. "I WARNED YOU MNAN!"
"IT KEEPS HAPPno forget this."
And then he stopped himself by using catclaws to grab onto outside school wall, and looked around a lot, and was wierded out by the portals.
"Hay I can see my own back of head." Said Gumball. Then he saw the portals and remembers something Mr Small taughtt him before he died was to always look through reflections and so then Gumball started meditating and saw figured out that the portals were just technology and like all technology there can be... GLITCHES.
"I know! I will glitch the portals so that I can go past them now!"
And then ue wipped out a smartphone and tossed it in, but befor he did he went onto a pornographic website and downloaded a free virus, and the virus spred to the portals and the portals turned into blue and orange numbers and leftr.
"Ok now it's time to find the family."
So then he walked until he found Bobert.
"Afternoon to you, how's war?" Gumball asked.
"I detect slash predict a high probablity of bloodshed."
"Ok on our side or on the enemys side."
"Eether or. I am trying to learn that war is not very pretty."
"War is not pretty." Gumball said with a glare. "War is heck. But do you have guns I use?"
"Ok"
Then BGobert did stretch his arm, annd it was like in the Matrix with a butload of wepons!
"Ok these look good." Said Gumball with a grin. Then he grabbed double pistols and winked at camrea.
"Hey Bobert Carrier has opted to join me in my quest you want to join too?"
"Define quest."
"Nvm you'll just be my weapon rack."
"Captical D, colon, lesser than."
"Hahaha it's funny cuz robots. Also because fanfiction dot net won't allow leser then so I had to pull that joke out of my ass."
But then there was background explosion and Gumball new that he had to add quickly so he ninja jumped all over the place and found that Rocky was fighting against Redshirt and Redshirt was now evil because he didn't want to die from Shists.
"ROCKY WACH OUT!" Gumball said as he noticed that Redshirt had gotten out nuclear recoilless rifle.
Gumball new he had to act really faster and then he ran and jumped and did a triple flip in the air and kicked Rocky in one of those "both feet out" kicks and the kick send both of them out the window just in time as Redshirt's big gun launched an explosion which traveled to the wall that would have hit Rocky had it not bee for the kick and then the explosion from the gun hit the wall and exploded.
Carrie flew to Gumbal again. "WHAT DID I TELL ABOUT WINDOWS?"
"I had to or else this guy wuld not have a saved life." Gumball retorted.
"o ok then"
"Holy heck you saved me?" Asked Rokcy. "I want to give you thanks."
"Cool I'm a hero now." Gumball said. "My want to thanks is one of those 'gradually lighting up bombs'"
"Ok"
Then he gave the bomb to him.
"How did you get that and how you carry that on school grounds?"
"Shh..." Was all he said. "Okay?"
"Um ok?"
Then, Redshirt activated explosives and blew hole in the wall by the broeken window, and did a quaduple frontflip out of the hole!
"Im' not cleaning that up." Said Rocky.
"I can if anyone wants me to." Said Bobert, who was ther since he was tecnically part of the war group.
Gumball killed redshirt using the gradually lighting up bomb.
"That was anticlimatic!" Said Rocky. "Also I'm not cleaning that up either. Ew."
Gumball looked suspicion. "How do you know about this weapons?"
He put finger to lips and said "Sh..." again. Then walked away mysteriously.
Gumbqll shrugged and so did his homies until he heard a shrieking scream that sounded like Peenny not Penny like Big Bang Theory but another love interest Penny. The scream sounded like it came from th sewer manhole so Gumball thought for once and was thinking really faster and used crowbar to pry open manhole and like in Futurama tha manhole said "The PJs" whatever that meant. (AN i think it's a reference to the creators of Futurama?) Then he flipped in and was fliprolling down the sewer ladder like in Ed Edd n Eddy but it was a long fall and he hit the sewer sidewalk thingy. Ouch!
Then Gumball heard another Penny scream and decided to run really fast to the source and found EVIL LIAR wher Tobias was laughing evilly and he had Penny stuck in a cage floating above the duel aranea.
"Good afternnoon" Tobias said sounding like Howard on Big Bang Theory. Also that's his voice throughout this story.
"We must do the battling so I can save Penny." Gumball said like a hero. Then he got out his double pistols.
"I sense a kidnaping." Said Bobert. "Shall I fight the badguy?"
"No. I must oner this."
GRIEF! (an play Zelda rock musoic remix in background)
Tobias got out a plasma gun and started shooting plasma, wich meant fire, everywhere. The plasma was spreading around the metal sewer like wildfire until Gumball found pipe and used it to be extinguishing the fire.
Then Gumball shouted really louder and was rage at how his beloved Penny was being caged right now by this jerk rival. He started running up the walls and fired his bullets from there and Tobias managed to dodge them by fliprolling all over the place. Then Gumball jumped off wall like Sonic the Hegehog but a cat not a gopher like Sonic is. He then did that cool landing thing you see in the comics and put his hand down when he land along with his feet, then he ran really fast in circles around Tobias.
"HOLY GUACAMOLY!" Shouted Bobert, "HIS SPEED IS OFF THE CHARTS! I AM SAYING THIS TO SHOW OFF GUMBALL'S RUNNING SKILLS!"
He ran so fast that the wind of him running started up a tonado and because Tobias was in the center he was lifted up in the air and Gumball jumped up and used the wind to fly around in his self-made natrual catastrophe and struck Toboias a lot.
Tobias looked around and was really not sure and then Gumball's left foot began to light up on fire ("hehe heh heh that's a weird STD" snarked Tobias) and then he shouted "LET GO OF MY PURSE! THAT'S MY PURSE! I DON'T NO YOU!"
And then suddenly Gumball flew in and kicked Tobias in the... um... his equivilent of balls. And the force of this magic attck that set his foot on fire had also created a giant beam of fire that ripped through the sewer walls and blasted away Tobiad in a light of fire. DEAD. Gumball landed like a ninja and then he did a handsign and the fire on his foot and on the hole in the sewer walls blew out.
"Oh my devil!" Shouted Carrie. "That is the Flaming Foot! A legendary tecnique by the Watterson clan! also bobby hill"
"Yes my last name is Watterson."
Carrie laughed.
"Why funny?"
"I can't think I never asked."
"Also only my mom and I know this but I'm the heir to get lots of cash when she dies! It turns out there was fortune but it being locked away and only wen the time is come I can collect the items to unseal it."
"Hrm I know where these items are at."
"The heck?"
"Yes, I study a lot of anchent clan stuff."
"A-HEM!" Penny shot from the cage.
"O h,right sorry." Said Gumball as he shot the rope holding up the cage. Penny dropped like Princess Peach but there will be no upskirts like you can do in Super Smosh Brothers. (Heh heh get it Smosh brothers?)
Then Gumball asked, "Ok so then how can I get this cash but then again I want my mom Nicole to get it so that I can keep my personal code of honor."
"We must go to lands."
Then Tina smashed in.
"Oh hey someone from the outside how's the war going." Gumball asked suspisiously.
"It over it ended when the badguys cannot find you. Now I thick you ticked off Elisa so we must fight now."
GRIEF! (agan)
"No." Said Gumball. "I must not go around fighting all of my schoolmates! I must find the keys!"
And then Gumball ran up wall and flipped off and landed on Tina's back and was acting like a rider.
"MUSH MOTHERFUCKER!" He shouted.
"Nah."
And then she threw him off and corned Gumball and Penny.
"OH NO!" Gumball said as Tina was appraoching to eat him, "Penny will we makeout before I die?"
"Um... you... see... about... that..."
Then she showed him hand, and there was a ring on it!
"I am engaged to Darin. I did not tell you because I was hoping later on in years later I would cheat on him after we got marry and get some from you."
"NO!"
Then Tina backed.
"The hell? You are in loving Darwin?"
"Yes."
"Aw man Darwin's soooo cuuute! I cannot hurt anyone he likes."
Then Tina backed the heck away.
"HEY!" Gumball shouted. "BUT I'M HIS BROTHER! YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT?"
"Because your only related by adoption."
"Oh that makes purrfect sense." He said it that way becauses cats like to puns.
Then Tina put everyone on her back except Carrie who floated Bober wiho used rocket feet jets like Iron Man except not as cool Gumball who she didn't like and Tobias because he was busy being dead like that show Firefly. So basically the only person that actually rode Tina was Penny. But keep in mind that this is not a hint of lesbians in this ok sorry if my Homestuck fan fics have you think otherwise but there is no planned femslash or slash but there might be if you say please.
"Where is the first destination?" Said Gumball who had to walk.
"First place is... THE FORST. FOREST OF-"
"Doom like in the picknicks episode where I was naked for half the episode?"
"No worse the forest of DEAHT."
"Hey that's Naruto I thot this fan fic was done with crossovers."
"It's a different frost of death. This has... THE TREE KEY!"
Gumball laughed sporatically. "hahaha I'm so sorry hahaha but that's just hahaha a stupid hahaha name."
MEANWHILE
Richard flew through the sky and fell into a sewer.
BUT, it turned out that the sewer lines was... THE SAME SEWER GUMBALL USED TO BE IN, so he Richard fell and landed on Tina.
"Hey" said Richard. "Has anyone seen my ass? I think I lost it in that landmine explosion."
"Yay!" Gumball shouted slash cheered. "I found one family! Now there's three more I need to found!"
Closing AN:
Yes I know HTF Giggles is a chipmunk I don't want a bunch of reviews trying to "correct me," that was supposed to be the joke.
Fun Fact: From this chapter alone, the story was to go in a completely different way. Everything up until Penny revealed the ring was the same, but after that Gumball would pass out and awake with jealousy taking him over. He would then end the chapter messaging Darwin like Caliborn in Homestuck, asking if he would like to play a game and then flipping him off...
Then again I write enough Homestuck fic and one of the SBIG fics of that comic in question is already supposed to have a character that parallels Caliborn. Among others, including someone from this fan fic...