The Compressed Macbeth
by Oni Hime
Act I, Scene i
1st Witch: Let's Get together sometime.
2nd Witch: Let's invite Macbeth!
3rd Witch: On the heath!
1st Witch: Sounds Atmospheric!
2nd Witch: What's a heath?
Act I, Scene ii
Duncan: Oh look, a corpse!
Malcolm: He's alive.
Duncan: Cool!
Sergeant: Macbeth killed Macdonwald. We won.
Duncan: Yay!
Sergeant: I'm dying.
Duncan: Yay!
Malcolm: Oh look. Here is Ross with news.
Ross: Macbeth was violent. We won.
Duncan: I like that man!
Ross: The Thane of Cawdor is a Traitor.
Duncan: Oh shock! I woe is me! Well, kill him and make Macbeth the thane of Cawdor so that the audience can Ooh and Aah over the irony of Macbeth's getting the title of a traitor.
Audience Member 1: Ohh! Ahh!
Audience Member 2: Oh, the irony. The blinding irony.
Act I, Scene iii
1st Witch: Yo!
2nd Witch: Wassup?
3rd Witch: I have a sailor's thumb!
Witches: Yay!
2nd Witch: I hear a drum! Here comes Macbeth!
Witches: Yay!
(Macbeth enters)
Macbeth: The weather was bad, the battle was good.
Banquo: Hello, I am the good guy who dies a tragic death at the hands of Macbeth.
Audience: Yay!
Witches: Greetings Macbeth. We're going to give you some prophecies that you shall fixate over for the rest of the play.
Macbeth: Good good. Let's get on with it.
1st Witch: Hail to thee Macbeth, Thane of Glamis.
2nd Witch: Hail to the Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor.
Macbeth: Score! I never liked that guy.
3rd Witch: Hail to thee Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter! Have a cookie.
Macbeth: Score! A cookie.
Banquo: Prophesy me because i don't believe in you.
1st Witch: Lesser than Macbeth, but greater.
2nd Witch: Not so happy, yet much happier.
3rd: Thou shalt get kings though thou be none. You're too much of a pussy.
Banquo: Dammit.
Witches: So all hail, Banquo and Macbeth! Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!
(Witches Leave)
Macbeth: I like those Ladies.
Banquo: They're not real.
Macbeth: You're just sore because you don't get to become king, so nyah!
(Ross Enters)
Ross: Hey Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Score! He really is dead!
Banquo: Don't trust the witches. They're evil.
Macbeth: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Banquo: Well, whatever floats your boat.
Act I, Scene iv
Duncan: Is he dead yet?
Malcolm: No.
Duncan: Is he dead yet?
Donalbain: No.
Duncan: Dammit. Why isn't he dead?
Lennox: He's dead.
Duncan: Yay!
(Enter Macbeth, Banquo, Ross, and Angus)
Duncan: Hey Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Hello Liege who i am planning to kill within the next few scenes!
Duncan: Yo! Banquo! You aren't as special as Macbeth, but i like you anyway.
Banquo: ...
Duncan: Angus, no hellos for you! You're not a main enough character.
Angus: Dammit.
Duncan: Well, I just named my son Malcolm as my heir because he's almost as special as Macbeth!
Macbeth: Dammit.
Duncan: And since Macbeth is plotting to kill me, why don't we all go and stay at his castle tonight? By the way, i feel bad about not making Banquo Thane of Cawdor, so why don't we all leech off Macbeth and hold a banquet.
Macbeth: Dammit.
All: Sounds fun!
Banquo: Yay me!
Macbeth: (laughs evilly)
Act I, Scene v
Lady Macbeth: (Reading letter from her husband)
Let's kill Duncan. Then you can be queen!
(puts letter down)
Yay! My husband is so special! Except he's weak, stupid, a hypocrite and a loser. O well, i guess i'll just have to blackmail him into being a bastard like myself. There's a good plan.
Messenger: Duncan is conveniently coming to stay tonight.
Lady Macbeth: Score! (evil laugh)
(Messenger Exits)
Lady Macbeth: (dances) There'll be some bloooooood tonight! I am not woman, i am man! hear me roar! Evil, evil thingies, take away all that makes me female and make me mean and butch, like a man so that i may abuse Macbeth and traumatise him into becoming a pawn to my own evil ends!
Evil spirits: Okay! Sounds fun!
(Enter Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hello Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Bite me.
Lady Macbeth: I'll speak some lyrical and poetic gibberish now.
Macbeth: Okay.
Lady Macbeth: Okay, i'm done. You shall be king!
Macbeth: Let's chat about this later.
Lady Macbeth: Dammit.
Evil Spirits: Dammit.
Act I, Scene vi
Duncan: Look at me! I'm the king! I demand a fanfare!
Lady Macbeth: Oh, wonderful, beautiful King. Our castle is yours. We didn't have time to pretty it up for you though.
Duncan: Well, you suck!
Act I, Scene vii
Macbeth: Kill him hard and fast. Screw hell, being king is more important. I'd like to be king. guess i wont kill Duncan then.
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Macbeth: I've decided not to kill King Duncan. I want to bask in his adoration for a while longer.
Lady Macbeth: Idiot. Pussy. Girl. Wimp. Liar.
Macbeth: Bite me.
Lady Macbeth: I'll dash my baby's brains out...
Macbeth: You don't have a baby.
Lady Macbeth: That's irrelevant.
Macbeth: Okay. Well, you've assaulted my Masculine ego enough.
Lady Macbeth: Yay!
--End Act 1--
Act 2 is coming soon, if enough people r/r this one... i need incentive. Please? Please? (begs)
by Oni Hime
Act I, Scene i
1st Witch: Let's Get together sometime.
2nd Witch: Let's invite Macbeth!
3rd Witch: On the heath!
1st Witch: Sounds Atmospheric!
2nd Witch: What's a heath?
Act I, Scene ii
Duncan: Oh look, a corpse!
Malcolm: He's alive.
Duncan: Cool!
Sergeant: Macbeth killed Macdonwald. We won.
Duncan: Yay!
Sergeant: I'm dying.
Duncan: Yay!
Malcolm: Oh look. Here is Ross with news.
Ross: Macbeth was violent. We won.
Duncan: I like that man!
Ross: The Thane of Cawdor is a Traitor.
Duncan: Oh shock! I woe is me! Well, kill him and make Macbeth the thane of Cawdor so that the audience can Ooh and Aah over the irony of Macbeth's getting the title of a traitor.
Audience Member 1: Ohh! Ahh!
Audience Member 2: Oh, the irony. The blinding irony.
Act I, Scene iii
1st Witch: Yo!
2nd Witch: Wassup?
3rd Witch: I have a sailor's thumb!
Witches: Yay!
2nd Witch: I hear a drum! Here comes Macbeth!
Witches: Yay!
(Macbeth enters)
Macbeth: The weather was bad, the battle was good.
Banquo: Hello, I am the good guy who dies a tragic death at the hands of Macbeth.
Audience: Yay!
Witches: Greetings Macbeth. We're going to give you some prophecies that you shall fixate over for the rest of the play.
Macbeth: Good good. Let's get on with it.
1st Witch: Hail to thee Macbeth, Thane of Glamis.
2nd Witch: Hail to the Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor.
Macbeth: Score! I never liked that guy.
3rd Witch: Hail to thee Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter! Have a cookie.
Macbeth: Score! A cookie.
Banquo: Prophesy me because i don't believe in you.
1st Witch: Lesser than Macbeth, but greater.
2nd Witch: Not so happy, yet much happier.
3rd: Thou shalt get kings though thou be none. You're too much of a pussy.
Banquo: Dammit.
Witches: So all hail, Banquo and Macbeth! Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!
(Witches Leave)
Macbeth: I like those Ladies.
Banquo: They're not real.
Macbeth: You're just sore because you don't get to become king, so nyah!
(Ross Enters)
Ross: Hey Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Score! He really is dead!
Banquo: Don't trust the witches. They're evil.
Macbeth: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Banquo: Well, whatever floats your boat.
Act I, Scene iv
Duncan: Is he dead yet?
Malcolm: No.
Duncan: Is he dead yet?
Donalbain: No.
Duncan: Dammit. Why isn't he dead?
Lennox: He's dead.
Duncan: Yay!
(Enter Macbeth, Banquo, Ross, and Angus)
Duncan: Hey Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Hello Liege who i am planning to kill within the next few scenes!
Duncan: Yo! Banquo! You aren't as special as Macbeth, but i like you anyway.
Banquo: ...
Duncan: Angus, no hellos for you! You're not a main enough character.
Angus: Dammit.
Duncan: Well, I just named my son Malcolm as my heir because he's almost as special as Macbeth!
Macbeth: Dammit.
Duncan: And since Macbeth is plotting to kill me, why don't we all go and stay at his castle tonight? By the way, i feel bad about not making Banquo Thane of Cawdor, so why don't we all leech off Macbeth and hold a banquet.
Macbeth: Dammit.
All: Sounds fun!
Banquo: Yay me!
Macbeth: (laughs evilly)
Act I, Scene v
Lady Macbeth: (Reading letter from her husband)
Let's kill Duncan. Then you can be queen!
(puts letter down)
Yay! My husband is so special! Except he's weak, stupid, a hypocrite and a loser. O well, i guess i'll just have to blackmail him into being a bastard like myself. There's a good plan.
Messenger: Duncan is conveniently coming to stay tonight.
Lady Macbeth: Score! (evil laugh)
(Messenger Exits)
Lady Macbeth: (dances) There'll be some bloooooood tonight! I am not woman, i am man! hear me roar! Evil, evil thingies, take away all that makes me female and make me mean and butch, like a man so that i may abuse Macbeth and traumatise him into becoming a pawn to my own evil ends!
Evil spirits: Okay! Sounds fun!
(Enter Macbeth)
Lady Macbeth: Hello Mr. Thane of Cawdor Man!
Macbeth: Bite me.
Lady Macbeth: I'll speak some lyrical and poetic gibberish now.
Macbeth: Okay.
Lady Macbeth: Okay, i'm done. You shall be king!
Macbeth: Let's chat about this later.
Lady Macbeth: Dammit.
Evil Spirits: Dammit.
Act I, Scene vi
Duncan: Look at me! I'm the king! I demand a fanfare!
Lady Macbeth: Oh, wonderful, beautiful King. Our castle is yours. We didn't have time to pretty it up for you though.
Duncan: Well, you suck!
Act I, Scene vii
Macbeth: Kill him hard and fast. Screw hell, being king is more important. I'd like to be king. guess i wont kill Duncan then.
(Enter Lady Macbeth)
Macbeth: I've decided not to kill King Duncan. I want to bask in his adoration for a while longer.
Lady Macbeth: Idiot. Pussy. Girl. Wimp. Liar.
Macbeth: Bite me.
Lady Macbeth: I'll dash my baby's brains out...
Macbeth: You don't have a baby.
Lady Macbeth: That's irrelevant.
Macbeth: Okay. Well, you've assaulted my Masculine ego enough.
Lady Macbeth: Yay!
--End Act 1--
Act 2 is coming soon, if enough people r/r this one... i need incentive. Please? Please? (begs)