Nope, I don't own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or anything from their universe either. If I did, there would be way too much angst and emotion in the new cartoon for a Saturday morning time slot.
Author's Note: This was written before The Ancient One, so Leo's still brooding over his failure, for more reasons than the ones he gave in said episode. I'll admit it's both corny and unrealistic, but it was fun to write.
Regretting LoveKarai stood at the top of the Saki Building, aka Foot Headquarters, looking down at the city her father hated, the city her father loved. She felt hatred for it at times, apathy at others. Sometimes she loved it, but she felt this way very little anymore. It wasn't so much that the city itself was hard on her, but it just made everything that was wrong so much easier. The crime, the violence, the size: it was easy to run the Foot clan in a city like this. She missed Japan, her homeland. She missed her father, the founder of the Foot clan, the kind man who adopted her off the streets, the alien murderer of millions. She missed when it was easy to pretend she was good. She missed when she could call Leonardo to fix any problem that was just too big while still being able to call herself loyal to her father. Now that was all gone. Now she was the head of a crime op, a murderer, a betrayer.
She flinched at these thoughts, tuning away from the edge of the building and back again, now pacing restlessly from one end to the other. No! He betrayed me! I told him all along that my loyalties were with my father. I warned him—I begged him even—to go. All he had to do was walk away. But these words brought an unwanted memory. Leonardo had spoken similarly to her.
"They think you're dead. All you have to do is walk away. We can help you start a new life," Leonardo pleaded. Karai bowed her head at the intrusion to her thoughts. She pushed the memory aside. She couldn't afford to be weak, she was responsible for her entire clan. "He's just using you. Don't you see, he's the murderer!" Leonardo exclaimed, not content to be ignored. Karai paced faster, she could not take it. The memories had been plaguing her since it happened. Her nights were full of his hurt face when she refused to leave Shredder, his agonized face when she stabbed him… No, I will not go there again! She demanded of herself, but it was futile. The guilt would not go away. The feelings would not go away. She just wanted it all to go away. She just wanted them to all go away. Mainly, she wanted him to go away. He was the problem. He was the complexity. There was no black and white where he was concerned. She had cared about him, and he about her. They were allies, she promised him safety, on her honor. She broke her promise. She blamed him when he attacked her father in the pretense of doing it for Earth and some alien enemies of her father. She had respected him, and he her. They had saved each others lives. He had saved her life more than three times, too many times to be coincidence, too many times to be enemies. Yet the last time he saved her she stabbed him with his own katana. Granted it had not been intentional, but she could have lowered the sword. She didn't. She stabbed him in the shoulder. He could have died. She could never expect forgiveness, yet she had the audacity to blame him, yell at him that this was not what she wanted. She hated him for taking away her father, her life, her honor.
Yet after all that, she still had feelings for him. She could never act on them, not with the eyes of the entire Foot organization on her. Not with the responsibility she had for them. She could do nothing. Even if they both wanted to, there was absolutely nothing they could do to change their status of enemies. Not that they wanted to. They were both wounded in more ways than one, embittered and feeling like there was a wrong done to them alone. Frustrated with the sudden narrowness of the path that they chose, or that was chosen by them by their fathers. Nothing to do now but fight, and they both went down the path without resistance.
Karai fingered the Heart of Tengu with something that could've been mistaken for fondness, but was in reality loathing. Her father had given the gem to her as his final testimony. It was the real token of leadership. More than just a symbol, it controlled some of the Foot's most deadly guardians, the Foot Mystics. Her father kept them a secret from all but himself, and now her. He told her that the turtles had seen them, however, but believed them to be destroyed. He assured her that his enemies would be ill prepared for an attack by the Mystics. At that time Karai had vowed to herself to never use them against the turtles. She broke that promise a month after it happened. She ordered the Mystics to get rid of the turtles. She didn't say kill, for she wouldn't let herself think it, but that's what was meant. She just wanted them out of the picture. It was as if not knowing meant not being responsible. As if the guilt would not affect her after they were "gotten rid of." She hated him; she hated herself. She loved him; she hated herself.
Karai stopped her pacing. She found herself at the very edge of the building once again. She looked down, letting the distance register. It would be more than enough to solve the problem. She would never have to worry about any of this again. She would never have to feel all of the emotions running through her body ever again. She would never have to worry about anything anymore. She would never have to feel anything anymore. No pain, no guilt, no love, no hate, no remorse, no compassion, no betrayal, no sadness. She would never have to remember. It would be so easy, But without honor, she realized. Absently she started fingering the Heart of Tengu again. Suddenly she froze, staring at the crystal. Of course. It would seem like they were the traitors. The Clan would destroy them, and then itself, without my father or myself. The Elite and Hun won't be able to keep the Clan together when they're at war with each other. And I wouldn't have to worry about it anyway. There is no one I care about anymore, no one but the man I hate more than any other. I would rather end by his hand, but I do not think that he would give me the satisfaction. He is too honorable, even after all that I have done. I would be doing both of us a favor. It would be so easy…
She dropped the Heart of Tengu off the side of the building, watching it fall, down, down, down, until it shattered on the concrete. She straightened and waited. The Mystics did not make her wait long. They appeared above her in flashes of colored lights. The wind blew her hair across her face, her bandana tails danced, but she stood still.
"We told you that we would serve you only while you held the Heart of Tengu. Now that it is gone we will be rid of you!" One of them shouted. Karai still stood unmoving, waiting. The shouts of the Mystics brought the Elite guard. They did not look inclined to help Karai. On the contrary, they wore evil smirks, and circled in for the attack, sensing bloodshed and leadership opportunities. The Elite struck; the Mystics swooped down, striking Karai with beams of energy. She withdrew her swords, slashing and reflecting some of the energy beams back upon their creators, blocking some of the blows, slicing some of the Elite. She managed to down two of the Elite and one Mystic before the first blade met her. She cried out, her arm was cut deeply, but she kept fighting. An energy beam knocked her down. The Elites took the opportunity to gang up on her. They got in many hits. She was bleeding profusely and weakening quickly. She knew that she did not have much longer, but she was determined to take as many of these evil beings with her as possible. She ran on rage; she ran on love. She ran an Elite through the stomach with her blade, just before another did the same to her. She groaned, but found the energy to wrench her blade out of the thrashing Elite and across the chest of his fellow. She hit deep. The last Elite circled her warily, sensing that she did not have much left. Before either could make a move, however, one of the Mystic's beams hit her squarely in the chest. She was blasted off the edge of the building and into space. Her final thoughts swirled around her darkening mind as the wind swirled around her fading body. And so ends the Shredders daughter. She lived a life of evil and she died a life of evil. With no friends by her side. With no friends at all…she succumbed to the darkness before she could feel the impact, released from her pain.
The leader of the turtle clan needed to blow off some steam. Leonardo was sensitive enough to his family's emotions to realize that a little space was exactly what they all needed. He didn't understand all of the emotions plaguing him lately, but he thought he could identify at least some of the causes. The largest, of course, was his failure to protect his family. He lead them into an impossible battle. He got them injured, and then he gave the order to sacrifice themselves to kill the Shredder. He put his revenge first. He lost sight of why he needed to get rid of Shredder in the first place, to protect his family, and was instead willing to sacrifice them to get rid of Shredder. Leo could never forgive himself for loosing sight of what was important. He would never forgive himself for making that decision. He would never forget what almost happened, because of him, so he ran. He ran away from the guilt, ran away from the memories, ran away from the responsibilities, and ran away from them. But more than that, he ran away from her.
Leo could not understand how he could've trusted her, why he refused to give up on her, why he saved her when she refused to be saved. He had trusted her, respected her, and damn it, he'd cared about her. He could never trust her again, even if she begged forgiveness. He knew that she could turn her back on her word just as easily as she had already done. Now he hated her. Yet he still cared, and that's what hurt so badly. That's what drove him to vent his frustration, his sense of injustice, and his rage on the common street punks that use to be Raph's turf. Leo knew that he couldn't act like this forever, knew that he wasn't being himself, knew that his current actions only put his family in more danger, but he continued them anyway. He needed release. He needed to run.
When the only sounds he could hear were the beating of his heart, his own breath, and the pounding of his feet, he couldn't hear the voices mocking him…as much. When the only things he could feel were the sweat dripping down his body, the wind whipping across his plastron, and the acid churning in his muscles, he couldn't feel the anguish…as much. When he demanded all that his body could take he forced himself to focus on the here and now. It made it easier not to remember the past, or to think of the future. God, how he hurt inside. He started to feel, he started to think, so he ran all the harder.
It was only when he realized how close he was to the Foot headquarters that he slowed. He was in no condition to charge in there on his own, and yet that was exactly what his subconscious must have been telling him to do. Leo shook his head, drops of sweat flying off his face. He was not stupid; he was more focused than ever. Tonight was not the night. He was prepared neither physically nor mentally, and mentally was more important. The night he attacked had to be one in which he didn't think about the good things or the gray areas. The night he attacked had to be black and white. All the bad things she did to him versus the bad things she could do to his family. The night he attacked had to be about them. Tonight it was personal, and that wasn't acceptable. Leo walked slowly to the edge of the building he stood on, his breath only now returning to normal. He looked darkly towards the skyscraper before starting to turn, but a flash of color out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. It came from the roof of the skyscraper. He wanted to see what it was, so he crept cautiously across rooftops and up walls until he was as close as he could get. He was not prepared for what he saw.
When Karai's body was flung from the rooftop Leo acted without hesitation. He withdrew a grappling hook from his belt, attached it to the roof he stood on even as he pushed off from the edge, arms outstretched. He nearly missed, and as he swung he wondered why he didn't just let her go, but at the last moment he grabbed for her waist, and she landed in his arms. He didn't register how wet and sticky his grip was until he swung them down to a roof below. Only then did he look at Karai, and wish he could look away. There was a great gash in her stomach, numerous other lacerations, and some horrific burns. Her clothes were torn, charred, and soaked with blood. Her hair was matted with the same. It clung to her neck. One strand slid across her face, leaving a trail of blood in its wake.
"Oh no. Karai," Leo whispered softly. He gently laid her down, all bitterness forgotten. Now he could only think of the good times, so he took off his kneepad. Leo put the pad on her wound and pressed down, but the blood only seeped up and through his fingers. Karai moaned from the pressure he put on her wound, her eyelids fluttering. She seemed to have a hard time focusing on his face, but when she did, she smiled.
"It's you," She whispered simply, placing her hand on top of Leo's. Leo tried to smile back, but found that his mouth was quivering too much to manage it. "I'm glad…I get to…to apologize." Blood seeped from the corner of her mouth as she struggled for breath, fighting for strength.
"No," Leo said emphatically, shaking his head. He shifted his hands so that one held Karai's. He gave it a squeeze. "It was an accident. The fates were set against us from the beginning. I'm sorry that the one I felt needed to be dealt with was your father. I'm sorry my father was his enemy. I'm sorry that we were enemies."
"I tell you what," Karai gasped, a fresh line of blood running down her drastically paling chin. "I'll forgive you…if you forgive me." Leo could only nod. His throat was suddenly constricted and there was wetness in his eyes. Karai found that she couldn't keep her eyelids open, but she used all of her focus to say what she knew had to be said.
"I love you." It was barely a whisper, but Leo heard it. He froze, watching as a little more blood followed the path down her chin. Leo reached out to caress her cheek. He smiled through his tears. Leo's thumb brushed the line of blood and smeared it across her face without meaning to. His hand stiffened; there was no response from Karai.
"Karai?" He asked softly, whispering, "Please, don't go. I—I think I love you too. It hurts too much to think of you leaving me. So please, don't go." Karai's chalk white face, smeared with blood, didn't move. She died without hearing his last words. Or maybe she did hear them, Leo couldn't know. He just stared at her face for a couple seconds. His gentle smile became a grimace of pain. He blinked, looked down, staring at nothing, and blinked again. "No," he whispered. "Please. You can't do this to me. Not after all we've been through, to only have a minute together! Please, Karai!"
"No!" Leo cried. He grabbed Karai and clutched her body to his, burying his face into her shoulder and sobbing into it. Her hair left trails of blood across the side of his face and back of his head, like some macabre tiger hair. His body jerked and twitched with the sobs, all control lost. All the emotions he felt, all the bitterness, the hatred, the grief, the love, it all combined into one unbearable ball of pain in his chest. Without warning he threw back his head and roared out his anguish, his confusion, all of his emotions in one long scream. The last Elite heard it and looked over the side of the building. He slunk down. Leo stiffened, gently laid Karai back down, careful to support her head until it flopped the last half an inch to the cement after Leo removed his fingers. She lie still once her head settled. Leo stood, finally tearing his eyes off Karai and onto her murderer.
Perhaps the Elite saw the look in Leo's eyes, for a glint of fear appeared in his own. They sized each other up for a few seconds, the breeze slowly drying the blood that covered them both. Leo waited until the Elite made the first move. Leo withdrew his katana, rushed forward, and thrust both blades into the Elite's chest before the Elite had begun the swing that was meant to take off Leo's neck. The Elite's grip went slack, the blade clattering harmless on the ground. It lay at an angle that juxtaposed the reflection of the moonlight on the smooth, white steel and the darkness of the slick, black blood. Leo heard the sound, but somehow failed to appreciate the art while twisting his katana deeper into the Elite's ribcage. The sudden spurt of blood out of the man's mouth signaled when Leo hit his target. The Elite gasped, tensed, quivering, and leaned slightly forward. Leo placed his foot on the Elite's abdomen and pushed back while pulling on his katana. They came out of the man's chest with a spurt of blood. The Elite wobbled, and fell back when Leo continued pushing with his foot. Leo bent down and whispered in his ear, "that's what any man gets for hurting my family." Leo watched as the life drained from the man's body. He walked away.
The inhabitants of the lair didn't immediately register what they saw before them. One in particular acted without thinking. They first heard Leo coming, and looked up from what they were doing to greet him. They didn't really notice his odd gait, or how slow he was going, almost like he was carrying something heavy.
"Leonardo, when will this behavior cease? Do you not realize that your irresponsible actions endanger—" Splinter stopped as his son stepped out of the shadows of the entrance passageway and into the light of the lair, suddenly lost for words. The lair was dead silent as all eyes registered what they were seeing. Leo, covered in blood, stripes of it on his face, carried the dead body of Karai, covered in just as much blood. The mouths of Leo's brother's hung open, their eyes wide and disbelieving. Mikey swallowed a few times before managing to speak.
"Leo, what happened?" he began weakly. "Are you ok?" Leo looked at him with haunted eyes and just shook his head.
"My son, please, put her down and sit down," Splinter insisted. Leo didn't even acknowledge his father, he just walked into his room with the dead body of the Shredder's daughter. The other's exchanged worried looks; it was clear that their brother had gone off the deep end, sought out their enemy, and killed her with the mad rational, "I do what I have to to protect this family." They slowly followed him to the door and were dumbfounded by what they saw. Leo had placed Karai on his own bed and was now lying with his head on her chest, and his arms around her. He was embracing their dead enemy.
"Leo, what—?" Don began, but Raph put a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head gently. Raph slowly walked into his brother's room, giving him the chance to tell him to leave. Leo didn't, so Raph knelt beside his brother and drew him into a hug. Leo resisted for a moment, holding all the tighter to Karai's body, before breaking down and turning into Raph's arms. Raph didn't say anything stupid like: "shhh, it's ok. Don't cry," he was simply there, supporting his brother. The others soon joined them, but when Splinter attempted to give comfort, Leo hissed at him.
"Get away from me. You're the reason she's—you and him," Leo couldn't finish; he simply buried his face into Raph's shoulder again. Raph placed one arm protectively around his brother, and another motioned placatingly to their very hurt father. Splinter took a step back, horror written all over his face, before it turned into a look of understanding.
"I am so sorry, my son. I never would have asked you to bear my burden if I realized all that I was placing on your shoulders. Had I but known I would be asking Romeo to fight against Juliet, I would have tried to forget my father's name, and not burdened you with it. I will not ask you to forgive me now, for I know that you are in great pain. I can feel it, my son. And I feel horrible, knowing that things are not so simple as they once were. I cannot make this go away. But oh how I wish I could." Splinter bowed his head, a tear of his own beading on his fur and dripping off his nose. Leo's faced crumpled.
"Father," Leo choked, like a child who wanted freedom only to realize how scary the world is without daddy. He reached out towards Splinter, who gladly joined the group on the floor. "I didn't mean that. Please, don't feel like that. I didn't—I only—" Leo broke off unintelligibly as Splinter drew him into a hug. Leo buried his face in Splinter's robe, soaking it in blood and tears, but Splinter paid no mind to the state of his clothes. He was focused entirely on his children before him, precisely the eldest who had carried so many burdens as of late.
"When you are ready, we will listen. Until then, we are always here for you, my son," Splinter said softly. The others nodded, features twisted into looks of worry. Leo was starting to hiccup, he was crying so hard. Looking at himself from the outside, he was ashamed. Yet a part of him knew that he needed this release. That he had needed it since the battle with the Shredder.
"I was running on the rooftops when I found myself at the Foot Headquarters," Leo began, almost expecting a reprimand. None came, so he continued. "I saw Karai fighting the Foot Elite and the Mystics, alone. She was blasted off the building, so I caught her. But she had already lost so much blood, and I couldn't stop the bleeding," Leo broke off, nearly in hysterics again. Everyone tightened the group hug, until Leo, feeling supported, took a deep breath and continued.
"She apologized for all that she had done to us. I said I was sorry too, and she said that we were even. She was struggling for breath, and there was so much blood," Leo gasped. His brothers wore looks of deep concern, bordering on grief. They realized that they had lost an ally after all, not an enemy.
"Then, she managed to get something out. The last thing she said—Why would she say that? Didn't she realize it would just make everything so much harder, so much more painful?" Leo demanded, more of some higher power than to anyone present. The others kept silent, sensing that to press would be unwise. They didn't think Leo had ended her life, whether by mercy killing or murder, but he was making it sound like that.
"She told me she loved me!" Leo exclaimed. All eyes widened, first in shock, then empathy. They all knew what that meant. As mutant turtles, the love of a woman wasn't easy to come by. So far April seemed to be the only one, and hers was a platonic love anyway, one that preferred Casey. Leo found someone to love him ten seconds before he lost her.
"Oh bro," Don began, moving closer to draw Leo into an embrace. He more than anyone could understand, first from his experience in the alternate future, then in losing April on their 'bad day.' "I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, me too. It would've been better if I thought she died as just an ally, or even an enemy!" Leo exclaimed, almost in anger.
"Really?" Raph asked slowly, carefully. "Isn't that almost an insult to her memory? Bro, Karai was strong. I don't think she would've wanted you to wish she had never gone back to the good side. Telling you had to be the most important thing to her. She wanted to set it straight. I'm not saying she picked the easiest thing for you…but maybe it's the way that will be the most healing." Raph suggested gently. It wasn't quite what Leo wanted to hear, but he didn't really mean what he said about wishing Karai had left him with the illusion that they were enemies anyway.
"Yeah. Ignorance is bliss, but it's not the truth. Everything would've just seemed wrong. I know, it just hurts so much," Leo moaned, then, seemingly in an attempt to lighten the mood he continued, "God, if I'm this bad, what am I gonna do when the first one of us kicks the bucket?" He realized that it wasn't really funny and winced, but Mikey saved it.
"Hey, we all know it'll either be Raph doing something stupid or you trying to stop him, so either way you won't really have to worry about it," Mikey attempted, making it a little better.
"Hey, I resemble that remark," Raph joked back, feebly. Leo managed a small smile, putting one arm around Mikey's shoulders, and the other around Raph's.
"You guys are too much. As long as I've got you I won't be able to cry through my laughter," Leo gave an equally feeble chuckle.
"And besides, you should be glad to know that I'm done being a brooding-loner-obsessed-with-training-jerk. Karai made me realize that I should forget all pretenses and appreciate what I've got, while I've got it." Leo grimaced again, but really did feel the healing process begin with this. Love really is the answer, as corny as that sounds. They healed me. She healed me, and I guess the only way to thank them is to luv 'em back, like I mean it, and not like protection is the only thing that matters.