It was just an ordinary day for Ethan and me. We'd walked into the ED, chatting and laughing, we'd changed into our scrubs - still chatting and laughing - before going our separate ways to treat patients. What I didn't know what that was the day my world would fall apart. The day a part of me disappeared. If only I knew - so many things I could have done that day to stop the events folding out. I should have done so much more, I shouldn't have let what happened... happen.
Let me start from the beginning.
I'd gone to treat a patient who had depression, pretty bad depression at that. The reason why they were in the hospital was because they had tried to kill themselves. We don't get suicide attempts often in Holby, but when we do, everyone wants to save the person. Most of the time, they aren't in their right mind to decide whether to end their life or not.
I've always said depression is like a figure dressed in black. Probably quite tall. He doesn't have a face, or that much of a figure. I mean, he's got arms and legs and such - but the way you identify him is by the darkness that surrounds him, that is him. But when that darkness latches onto you, finds you even, there's no escape. He will follow you, haunt you, until the day you give in.
Obviously there are such things as anti-depressants, but that will never stop him from invading you mind, invading all that you are to get his one final goal.
To make sure your gone.
So when we had that suicide attempt, we were going to make sure that dark figure wouldn't win, that he would scarper after being beaten.
Luckily, our patient - Eldon Marks - survived. With the help of Zoe, Robyn and Lofty, we managed to beat depression this time and bring Eldon back from the dead. We were all so pleased that he survived. It meant he could get back on the road to recovery and possibly live happily ever after.
I should have known a Happily Ever After was the stuff of fairy tales.
There's no such thing as a Happily Ever After.
I continued to treat Eldon Marks - and was very happy that he woke up. We seemed to get along quite well. We made some small-talk, and I discovered he wanted to be a doctor. A paediatric orthopedic surgeon to be exact. I suppose he trusted me because I didn't leave him.
Until I had a shout.
I wanted to stay with him, but I was told I was most suited to going out with the paramedics. It was an unstable building - and I was the most qualified doctor available. Well, I wasn't available as such, but I was practically made to go.
I wish I didn't.
Ethan was the person to take over Eldon - and I had told him he could trust Ethan. We had the same DNA, after all. Eldon seemed to take this in his stride, and the two chatted together.
But I can still hear Ethan's remark to me when I was changing in the staffroom.
"Always the action-hero."
I laughed. Ethan laughed. But we both know he meant it. I was always the action-hero. I got my kicks from dangerous situations. I thrived on it. Knowing I made it out, knowing I could do it again and survive. It was an amazing feeling.
How naive I was.
It was only when we came back, patient alive and well, that I wished I hadn't been on that shout.
Dixie and I jumped out the back of the ambulance - Iain jumping out from the driver's seat. There was a crowd of people looking up towards the roof. I told Dixie and Iain to go on - I was sure I could help in this situation that seemed to be escalating outside, so I walked towards the crowd and fixed my gaze upon the roof. I saw two people. One in a hospital gown, and one in scrubs. I looked closer and saw it was Eldon Marks. Please God no. I really hopes he wasn't going to jump.
Then my gaze feel upon the other person.
Ethan.
I shook my heat in disbelief. I felt my heart pound in my ears. I saw Zoe approach me with Lofty.
"They've been up there for 10 minutes." She said.
"He's not coming down." She said.
"We can't do anything." She said.
It was all good saying it, but they should have been doing something to get them down!
I shouted at her, I shouted at Lofty, I shouted at the sky. No one was doing anything, though. So I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I darted up the stairs, not caring about the feeble attempts of other people to stop me. I had to make Eldon come down. I had to make Ethan come down. I had to help somehow.
Despite Ethan being 31, I didn't like the thought of him being on a roof with no railing. That's probably the big brother part of me.
I made sure I stepped carefully. I didn't want to startle Eldon. I didn't want him to jump - that would have been terrible. And no doubt Ethan would blame himself.
Ethan smiled at me, I smiled back. We approached the situation together. Brothers in arms. I spoke calmly.
"Can you come away from the edge?" I said.
He didn't listen. Ethan tried - still nothing. I tried to jog his memory about me, about how I treated him, talked to him, saved him. I saw him look at me - he turned his head and I saw him recognise me.
He turned his head to Ethan, who, along with me, was making his way towards him slowly. Eldon didn't seem to recognise him. He looked scared.
I could feel the blood rushing in my ears still at the thought of Eldon jumping.
But he didn't jump.
He pushed my little brother.
Eldon was scared. He didn't recognise Ethan over me, so he pushed him. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to kill him.
I pushed Eldon back with such force he landed on his back and was nearly knocked unconscious. I didn't care. Ethan was holding onto the edge of the roof, struggling to climb up. I lay flat on my stomach and reached my arm to Ethan - trying to get him up.
"I won't let you go, Ethan." I said.
"I promise." I said.
"I know." He said.
"Just know, Cal." He said.
"I love you." He said.
"I love you too, Ethan." I said.
And he couldn't hold on any longer. I could feel Ethan slipping. I couldn't let him go. I promised. I promised!
But it didn't work.
I could see the pure panic in Ethan's eyes.
The pure fear as he guessed what was going to happen.
I tried to pull him up.
But it wasn't working.
I can still see his face.
His terrified face.
He had faith in me and I let him down.
I watched him fall.
He didn't scream, he didn't shout.
He looked scared, but he smiled.
Ethan smiled at me and I smiled back.
Then I watched as his body made contact with the ground.
Blood poured from around his limp form and everyone crowded round him.
I didn't care about Eldon behind me. I practically jumped down the steps from the roof and sprinted to my brother.
Zoe was doing CPR on him. He was so pale, so ill, so frail... so dead.
I knelt down beside him and cried as Zoe kept pushing on his chest - trying to restart his heart.
It wasn't working. Deep within me, I knew it wouldn't work. Not a fall from that height.
It was half an hour before Zoe called it.
I screamed at her. I screamed at Ethan to wake up. I screamed at everyone and everything - begging for Ethan to be alive, begging for my little brother to be beside me.
Laughing, smiling, being alive.
I needed Ethan to be with me. He was my little brother. He should never have died.
I can still remember what Zoe said.
"We did everything we could, Cal." She said.
"I really am sorry, Cal." She said.
I sat there. I sat there until midnight, until Lofty, Max and Robyn practically dragged me back to their place.
Then I drank my own body weight in alcohol.
I drank away my sorrows, but I couldn't forget about Ethan.
I let him down.
I let him fall.
I promised him I wouldn't.
I promised him and he's dead.
If only I changed what I did on that day.
If only I was in his place.
If I only I fell.
That was the day the world feel apart.
That was the day Ethan died.
And today's the day I die.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. Please let me know your thoughts, thanks!