Disclaimer: Not mine. Paramount's
"I must honor a debt that cannot ever be repaid." That was what the Caretaker told us when he brought us into the Delta Quadrant. At the time, I was too concerned with finding Harry and B'Elanna, with understanding the array, with getting back to the Alpha Quadrant to pay attention to the sentiment behind his declaration.
It wasn't until four years later, when we were traveling through that black void that I was able to begin to appreciate the agonies the Caretaker must have suffered over the centuries as he watched over the Occampa. He hadn't meant to harm them; it was all a terrible mistake and he tried his best to make it right for them. I didn't mean to hurt my crew either, but I too could not make it right for them either.
Daddy was a firm believer in prevention. "How could you have avoided this? What should you have done differently?" he would demand and I would scramble to explain my thinking and to unravel my actions and their consequences. Mom, ever the mathematician, taught me to learn from my mistakes. One inconsequential little mistake here could completely undermine everything you were working toward and you wouldn't even know it until you were finished. "Start again at the beginning and work your way forward. Once you realize your mistake, you won't ever make it again."
I thought about this a lot, mistakes, prevention, the Caretaker, consequences, debts that could not be repaid as I stared into the black void. The nothingness that was the void allowed my mind to actually be at peace for once. There was nothing there and so I was free to think anything. I hadn't had such clarity of thought in a very long time, maybe never before. I wanted to explain this to Chakotay when he came to me with reports and invitations to the holodeck, but the words failed me. He wouldn't have understood anyway; how could he? The debt wasn't his and it angered me when he tried to dismiss my debt and my wrongdoing. So I stared into the void and thought by myself. We knew the Caretaker had been wrong in how he tried to repay his debt to the Occampa. He had stolen their independence and potential from them when he took over their care. There was much to learn from his mistakes.
The seed was planted after our disastrous attempt to use the slipstream drive. In my eagerness to get my crew home, I killed them all except for Harry and possibly Chakotay. Sweet Harry was the one who made it right and saved us all. He was the one who showed me the way. Tampering with the time line for any reason is one of the biggest taboos and for good reason; the consequences are likely to be devastating. This is what most recorded instances of time manipulation have shown throughout the centuries. I never chose to become involved in any temporal ridiculousness, I knew better; the trouble always seemed to find me. But still, the thoughts began to come to me at night when I couldn't sleep. When I was a little girl Mommy would brush my hair until I fell asleep. It relaxed me. Now, in order to lull myself to sleep, I began to fantasize about changing things, making things better, but only when things began to be too much to bear: the Equinox incident, Seven's death, Tuvok's madness, the Fen Domar. It was just a way to soothe myself at night enough to give me the strength to get through another day.
The tipping point was Chakotay's death just before we arrived home. He shouldn't have died then, not like that, not him, not for me. He was my soul and without him I was empty, in spite of the ways we had hurt each other over the years. I was empty for a long time, but I knew what I had to do. I watched what was left of my crew struggle in a world that had long since adapted to our absence. We had been gone too long and now we were oddities, relics of the past. Our adventures in the Delta Quadrant had been entertaining and inspirational, but our actual presence was uncomfortable. What to do with the outdated, unwanted, unnecessary Voyager crew? I tried to make things easier for them; the promotion to the Admiralty was useful for this purpose, but I couldn't make it right. I got them home too late. My debt was unpaid, so I began to plan.
After my promotion, they put me next door to Admiral Picard. Our assignments were rarely related, but we began to meet for lunch or for tea several times a week. Sometimes we were joined by Picard's wife and she entertained us with the latest gossip at Starfleet Medical. Sometimes we were alone and we talked: about the Borg Queen, whether assimilation or Cardassian torture was more painful, but mostly about how much we missed our ships. Sometimes Q joined us, wearing a Rear Admiral's uniform and with a full head of white hair he made a point to ostentatiously run his fingers through while Picard self-consciously rubbed his own bald head. Sometimes he just sat quietly listening to us talk and other times he provoked us as only he could.
Once he turned to me and asked, "So Kathy, do you regret not taking me up on my offer to mate?" and I had to admit, "Yes, my crew deserved any sacrifice I could have and should have made for them. I was too short-sighted to realize that at the time and they paid the price." He looked at me for a long time while Picard sipped his tea and I stirred mine.
"Why don't you drink coffee anymore?" he finally asked. We were used to his nonsensical questions by now and I merely shrugged and answered as honestly as I could. He never hesitated to call us on our lies.
"I don't know really, a lot of reasons. I don't have to stay up half the night reading reports or responding to red alerts anymore. It reminds me too much of Voyager. The fun is gone since Chakotay isn't around anymore to tell me I'm drinking too much."
"Hmmm. You do realize it would have been too soon if I had sent you back at that time. All of your beloved Maquis would not have been welcomed with open arms and you and your crew would have been in the thick of the Dominion War. I thought you would have taken the hint when I gave you that padd."
His gaze seemed to pierce through me and I could have kissed him, just as he once kissed me. Ever since Chakotay's death, I had stopped lying to myself. I wasn't just fantasizing about how to change things, I was planning the unthinkable, deliberately changing the time line for my own selfish reasons.
But I couldn't repeat the Caretaker's mistakes, I couldn't make things even worse in my attempt to make things right. I had already been considering the transwarp hub, but there were so many uncertainties. Q gave me the courage to choose the transwarp hub, although didn't know what would happen to me once I went back in time. Sometimes time lines completely reset and no one ever knows that a change has even occurred, as one version of Braxton never knew he spent a lifetime in Earth's past. Other times artifacts or people can remain in a time different from their origin. The Doctor's holoemitter is one of these anachronisms and Seven and I experienced multiple versions of the same people on the time ship Relativity. I thought the best outcome might be if I remained in existence after bringing Voyager home. I could hide somewhere and watch over them all, make sure things were set right and my debt was repaid.
It was difficult to make such important decisions on my own and envision the possible ramifications by myself. I missed Chakotay so much as I planned. He wouldn't have approved of my plan. He would have called me reckless, accused me of wearing a hair shirt, asked me why I was bothering to ask for his advice when I rarely listened, and would have threatened to have me relieved of duty. Seven's death certainly didn't do his temperament any favors. But then he would have told me he was coming with me. He would have helped me to plan because he was always by my side. My dear beloved Chakotay. Q's blessing, and I know that his mention of the padd was just that, was exactly the encouragement I needed.
The Caretaker must have been so lonely. I've often thought about that. Suspiria abandoned him and he was left alone to watch over the Occampa. In desperation, he snatched ships from across the galaxy in order to do what he could to fulfill his obligations. He violated our bodies, he was responsible for the deaths on Voyager and the Liberty when we were thrown into the Delta Quadrant, he was responsible for who knows how many other deaths. I despise him for it, yet I also feel an odd kinship to him. I've done unspeakable things in order to protect my crew. I still can't believe I made a deal with the Borg. It was the only way to make it through Borg space, but was it the right choice? I still don't know. Seven was worth it, though. She was my consolation after Kes left, my tangible proof that something good had come of my decisions out there in the Delta Quadrant. Maybe that was why I pushed her so hard and demanded so much from her. She deserves more than the paltry seven years she got on Voyager and a disastrous marriage she was too immature to understand. She deserves the opportunity to have a life, to explore, to make her own mistakes, to find out who she really is away from Voyager. They all do. I'm going to give them that opportunity.
I'm here again, on Voyager. Tomorrow I'm going to sacrifice myself to the Borg Queen so that they can get home, so that they can destroy the Borg hub in the process. It's not what I planned, but I'm not the Caretaker. I won't take away their choices, their free will. I wanted to watch over them and ensure that everything went well once they got home. Instead, I'm going to die tomorrow without knowing for sure if they get home. That was how the Caretaker died. He didn't know if the Occampa would be saved from the Kazon. I don't know if my people will be saved tomorrow. How I wish I could watch and see how it all turns out. It has to be better than what we've already lived. I wish so many things. I have so many regrets. I could go and talk to Chakotay right now, share my heart with him, all of the things I should have said, but he isn't my Chakotay. Seven and Tuvok, they aren't mine either. They're all hers. I love them all so much. I've always wondered, did the Caretaker love the Occampa or did he watch over them only because of his guilt? Guilt has always been with me, but so has the love. So much love. I love you all. Please be happy. Stay safe and be happy.